mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Dec 10, 2015 23:38:17 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. I agree with others who have said to wait until your own financial picture is clear. This woman has relatives who should step up. I understand honoring your DH's wishes but that should be your decision, not because someone else is pressuring you.
I am also curious about why your DH thought an inheritance might hurt what she was entitled to. Is she in subsidized housing or something?
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 10, 2015 23:41:08 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. If his cousin mentioned this situation to you, & DH's older sister too, let THEM send her some money for now. Just tell them your financial situation is uncertain at this time. Rinse & repeat. A little Christmas gift may be in order, but DO NOT be the main support system of this person. You need to take care of yourself right now. Remember: no big decisions the first year. (I'm giving myself the same speech right now, as I may be getting a bit of money from Mom, & there are PLENTY of extended family who would love a handout.)
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 11, 2015 0:44:20 GMT -5
Please do not allow your DH's family to pressure you into paying money to anybody else at this time. You don't owe anybody what was left for you. I agree with the people that said if he wanted her taken care of he'd have put her in the will regardless if he thought he'd die soon or not. EVERBODY dies so I'm sure he knew he wasn't an exception to that rule. Give yourself at least a year to figure everything out and then ask us again so we can talk you out of it then too.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Dec 11, 2015 5:10:28 GMT -5
Zip about the car ... I don't know anything about car leases but it seems Blonde Granny was able to turn in her DH's car. Can't you do the same? Or turn it in for a less expensive model/lease?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 5:59:15 GMT -5
I let the executrix talk me into keeping it. . Fortunately it's not forever and once I'm out of this place things will ease up. I'm not dead broke and she knows I can afford it. I just don't throw money away on things like fancy cars. It's not my thing. Plus, it looks like I have money which gives people an impression I don't want them to have.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 6:03:15 GMT -5
The cousin and DH's older sister brought it up? Talk about a bitter taste in the mouth. Sorry you're dealing with this. The cousin is her daughter and DH's favorite cousin. Honestly, the more I think on it, the more I'm leaning toward not a dime. Not because I don't like her but because it'll never end Plus, let his EX pony up. She's got 7 million IN CASH with no strings attached. Plus, a paid for cat, boat, and condo.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 6:22:07 GMT -5
Plus, I now can't reimburse the company for my cell phone which means on my own. Lovely. Another blow.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 7:28:52 GMT -5
It's just another reminder that I'm totally on my own
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Dec 11, 2015 7:38:53 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. I agree with others who have said to wait until your own financial picture is clear. This woman has relatives who should step up. I understand honoring your DH's wishes but that should be your decision, not because someone else is pressuring you.
I am also curious about why your DH thought an inheritance might hurt what she was entitled to. Is she in subsidized housing or something?
Yeah, why did he think it would effect something she was entitled to?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 7:55:37 GMT -5
In case she had to go into a nursing home or assisted living, he worried that his money would be taken for that and not for things he wanted her to use it for.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 7:57:07 GMT -5
She's still in her home but she's upside down in it. Big time. Her house should be free and clear but she and her husband borrowed against it over and over again. Insane.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Dec 11, 2015 8:44:23 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. If his cousin mentioned this situation to you, & DH's older sister too, let THEM send her some money for now. Just tell them your financial situation is uncertain at this time. Rinse & repeat. A little Christmas gift may be in order, but DO NOT be the main support system of this person. You need to take care of yourself right now. Remember: no big decisions the first year. (I'm giving myself the same speech right now, as I may be getting a bit of money from Mom, & there are PLENTY of extended family who would love a handout.) WTH?? Why do they think they are entitled? Are they your Mom's children, also?
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Dec 11, 2015 8:45:38 GMT -5
Ask yourself if you are prepared to do this the rest of your life because that's what it will amount to. If you never start it won't have to end it. I don't know if its possible but once things are settled and out from under the lease I would likely move away from the bunch of moochers. I wouldn't want anyone telling me who I had to support. Sounds like they are poed that you are being left something. Like you say its income not the estate. I'm not even sure how much I would go into it with them. Why would you have to? Well put!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 11, 2015 8:51:26 GMT -5
In case she had to go into a nursing home or assisted living, he worried that his money would be taken for that and not for things he wanted her to use it for. It seems like he didn't want to end his generosity - but thought that strategically, he should not leave her anything substantial. He may have mentioned this to you so that you would continue to help her with the cash assistance. My impression was that you were fairly comfortable financially on your own prior to the marriage, and that DH had pretty significant assets. So - the income from that should be quite a bit. If it doesn't impact you too much, I would likely continue his generosity as a way of honoring his memory and what he would do with his wealth, if still alive. Since the ex received a large sum, and is close with the aunt, (are they still close?) diffusing the responsibility there also seems reasonable. My impression is that it was a bit of sting to have him tie up the estate assets while the ex got the insurance without. But don't let any hurt there impact how you handle this beloved aunt. You are not required to, certainly. But don't let those negative feelings affect your decision. This is it-exactly. I think he was giving her 800-1000 a month. I'm sorry but I'm not doing that. I emailed the executrix and I'll follow her advice, maybe.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Dec 11, 2015 9:12:03 GMT -5
Zib, I'm guessing here from what you are writing but did you get the assets that cost money while others got the assets free and clear? If you did I might go to a good lawyer with a copy of the will and try and figure out what exactly you did get minus liabilities. I don't know this for sure but your comment about the leased car sounds like the executrix is trying to push off things to you that would subtract from the estate as a whole. Totally not right IMO. Things like liabilities should come out of the estate first and then it gets split up per the will not the other way around. Not that I think you are a wimp this is just one of those times in life where you are hurting and I would hate to see people take advantage of it. Good luck and vent as much as you would like! PS isn't she also your late DH's kids aunt? Why aren't they supporting her with their portion if it is such a big deal that DH's family should do this
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 11, 2015 9:18:17 GMT -5
At first, I was leaning towards helping the poor old gal out. Now I'm thinking, fuck it, the ex made out like a bandit, so let her take that task on. Sorry but this idisplays extraordinarily bad planning for a man who was supposed to be such a successful businessman. With that in mind, I'd assume things were left the way he intended them and let someone else worry about old Auntie. At most, send her a birthday gift and a gift to commemorate DH's birthday.
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Frappuccino
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Post by Frappuccino on Dec 11, 2015 9:39:27 GMT -5
Please be sure that you will be okay in your retirement years before you start giving this money away. Avoid these people while you sort out your financial affairs. Good luck to you!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 9:45:00 GMT -5
Plus, let his EX pony up. She's got 7 million IN CASH with no strings attached. Plus, a paid for car, boat, and condo. This. And, since you mentioned that the Ex paid the life insurance premium, any portion that's life insurance proceeds is tax-free.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Dec 11, 2015 9:56:39 GMT -5
It seems like he didn't want to end his generosity - but thought that strategically, he should not leave her anything substantial. He may have mentioned this to you so that you would continue to help her with the cash assistance. My impression was that you were fairly comfortable financially on your own prior to the marriage, and that DH had pretty significant assets. So - the income from that should be quite a bit. If it doesn't impact you too much, I would likely continue his generosity as a way of honoring his memory and what he would do with his wealth, if still alive. Since the ex received a large sum, and is close with the aunt, (are they still close?) diffusing the responsibility there also seems reasonable. My impression is that it was a bit of sting to have him tie up the estate assets while the ex got the insurance without. But don't let any hurt there impact how you handle this beloved aunt. You are not required to, certainly. But don't let those negative feelings affect your decision. This is it-exactly. I think he was giving her 800-1000 a month. I'm sorry but I'm not doing that. I emailed the executrix and I'll follow her advice, maybe. Zib, I'm happy to hear that you're not planning on continuing the monetary gifts. Please look out for yourself first! At some future point in time, if you DO feel you have the financial ability to assist, please speak to an attorney specializing in elder care law in the state the aunt lives in. Giving her cash every month might be considered supporting her. Should she need long-term care in the future, I would really hate to see you be on the hook to help pay for that care. When DH and I decided to move to Texas, the original plan was for my parents to move in with us to help them out financially. I learned that we would need to have a formal lease agreement between both parties and that the rent would need to be more than one-half of their monthly expenses. Otherwise, DH and I would be responsible for continuing the same level (not dollar) of support should either of my parents need long-term care. So, if we were providing 60% of their support, we would need to pony up 60% of the cost if they needed to go on Medicaid. Which they would. Each state's laws are different, so this may not be a potential issue for you. Just wanted to throw this thought into the ring, though, so you can protect yourself if you DO decide to help the aunt.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 9:57:03 GMT -5
If the Ex paid for the insurance policy that isn't something he left her in the will. Why didn't you have an insurance policy on him?
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 11, 2015 10:01:28 GMT -5
At the time they were married, he was already to ill to be able to purchase life insurance.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 11, 2015 10:01:35 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. so your husband was helping her commit welfare fraud?
Tell the people who are mentioning it to you that it a wonderful idea if you all chipped in to help her and ask what you should all do together.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 11, 2015 10:21:36 GMT -5
If his cousin mentioned this situation to you, & DH's older sister too, let THEM send her some money for now. Just tell them your financial situation is uncertain at this time. Rinse & repeat. A little Christmas gift may be in order, but DO NOT be the main support system of this person. You need to take care of yourself right now. Remember: no big decisions the first year. (I'm giving myself the same speech right now, as I may be getting a bit of money from Mom, & there are PLENTY of extended family who would love a handout.) WTH?? Why do they think they are entitled? Are they your Mom's children, also? No, they aren't Mom's children. There are some who have made very poor life choices, & expect the rest of the family to clean up the mess. It seems these days there are plenty of folks with entitlement issues...
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Dec 11, 2015 10:22:21 GMT -5
I think this is where saying, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," would be appropriate.
And I would revisit the car lease issue. If your DH co-signed the lease, I would think the estate should pay half the cost.
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janee
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Post by janee on Dec 11, 2015 10:24:49 GMT -5
Zib, I would wait on deciding anything until you are settled both emotionally and financially. I think DH's kids, the aunt's kids, and the ex could also help Auntie. If someone pressures you about it, just say that you're still in shock and have promised friends (us!) that you will take the recommended time of 6 months to a year before making major decisions.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 11, 2015 10:45:46 GMT -5
I've come to the conclusion that DH never thought he was going to die, even with death slapping him in the face several times. He told me he wouldn't leave her anything in the will because it would possibly hurt anything she might be entitled to. He only gave her cash. Which means for several months, she got nothing. But she mentioned it to me. His cousin mentioned it to me and DH's older sister mentioned it to me. So I'm feeling the pressure. It's sweet that you can and may want to help. Legally, you don't have to do so. And you should feel free to tell anyone applying such pressure to fuck off, if you will pardon my French. You are still grieving, which is why I think these people are doing this to you - you're vulnerable, and they know it. There's nothing wrong with the cousin or DH's older sister chipping in some help, and they both know it. But they probably think 1) you're now the rich widow and 2) because your DH handed her cash, you're obligated by default/association. If you decide to help, put it in writing. $xx amount per month until a certain date, for example. Mailed to her, or transferred to her account from your bank, whichever works for you. And I also vote for waiting until the will is probated and the estate done. It will put this chapter of your life to rest and you can move on.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Dec 11, 2015 10:50:11 GMT -5
I think it is a bit cruel of his family to put pressure on you so soon like this. I would suggest that you wait for the dust to settle, and then try to decide if you still feel like helping his aunt out. Maybe by then, her children or his ex will have stepped up.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 11, 2015 11:33:50 GMT -5
I think you are right on some of that. I think the relatives are pissed at being excluded. But I also think they see Zib as a soft target with big bucks. Granted, they will find out at some point she does not have that kind of money at her disposal; they just don't know it right now. And I don't know how those relatives feel about the DH's marriage to Zib vs. how they feel about his first wife. Are they or have they ever taken sides and is any animosity now surfacing? I'm not suggesting there is resentment, and I certainly don't think it's any of their business. I do know that when it comes to money and family, it brings out the absolute worst in people. And it's not that the others cannot help, but they'd rather be able to wash their hands of it, keep their wallets in their own pockets and let someone else deal with it. Really sad, but that's what money, real or imagined, does to people.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2015 12:33:50 GMT -5
Only if they have never met her.
ETA - I can't be the only one that spent years reading zib's posts about trying to get her DF to disinherit everyone else, stop giving them money, talking about how awful his bio and step kids are.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 11, 2015 12:52:26 GMT -5
I'm not making a judgment call based on anyone's past posts (well, OK...with the exception of TLoony , but that's mostly done for fun). I make the call based on what I know from what happens when it comes to family and money and inheritance. And in this case, without everything settled and done, I think the aunt's relations are making a supposition that 1) Zib has the bucks, or will have the bucks, and 2) because her DH made the handouts, she should continue them by default, because "if he were alive, that's what he would have done/wanted." Not saying any of that is true or right, but merely that it is possible from this third party's perspective.
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