Custody of friends in divorce?

[midjd]

Two of my very close friends announced over the weekend that they are divorcing. My heart breaks for them, they are both good people and have a son just a few weeks older than DD.

Right now things are publicly civil but simmering. I expect by the end it will be a knock-down, drag-out battle complete with dirty laundry airings on Facebook. I don't want to have to choose between them (I have a decent amount of background on the issues leading up to this point and IMO they are equally responsible), but the "if you are inviting him/her to X I'm not coming" has already started.

Have you usually found that you wound up with "custody" of one friend or another in these situations? Anything you have done (or wished you did) to keep the peace? 

(My only other close friend who has divorced has a real douchecanoe ex we were all glad for her to be rid of, so this is an issue I haven't faced before.) 

[NancysSummerSip]

Been in this situation as well. Fortunately, choosing between them was easy. The XW (who was my best friend at the time of the divorce) was having an affair, unbeknownst to all of us (including her husband), and decided to just up and leave. No warning, no phone calls, no goodbyes, nothing. She still wound up materially better off in the divorce, but as her husband (now he's one of my best friends!) still says, "I wound up with all the friends, while she wound up with most of the material goods. I think I got the better end of the deal." FWIW, her then-boyfriend dumped her as soon as she left her husband (I guess she was more fun while she was attached to someone else.)


And since none of us knew about her affair, it's unlikely any of us could have changed anything. It's like watching a train move inevitably towards a cliff. You know it's going to go over, and while you may be able to slow it down, you also realize there is little you can do as an outsider to stop its progress.

If you want to be a friend to both of them (and since there is a child involved, I think it's a good plan) then be as fair and equal to both of them as possible, and let them know early on that you care about them as individuals, and that you are not taking sides in their marital issues. That's between them, their lawyers and the divorce court judge.

[Ryan]

I really don't have any friends that have gotten divorced, but if you're friends with both people then I would say that both would be excluded from couples events, the husband is invited to guy events, and the wife is invited to girls events.  

[haapai]

Oct 19, 2015 9:13:49 GMT -5 Ryan said:

I really don't have any friends that have gotten divorced, but if you're friends with both people then I would say that both would be excluded from couples events, the husband is invited to guy events, and the wife is invited to girls events.  

Well, that excludes most of my friends. 

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Oct 19, 2015 9:13:49 GMT -5 Ryan said:

I really don't have any friends that have gotten divorced, but if you're friends with both people then I would say that both would be excluded from couples events, the husband is invited to guy events, and the wife is invited to girls events.  

Inevitably one or both in the couple will find new partners and become a couple again.  You would exclude their new partners because they are not their old ones?

[midjd]

I'm not sure that would work well in our group. There are 10 of us total -- the girls are all good friends (and friends with some of the husbands), the guys are good in groups of 2-3 but not all are as close to each other as the girls are. We are generally either in a big mixed group or it's just girls.

So it would really be a question of whether to exclude divorcing guy from couples events... which I don't want to do. I wish they could just stay on opposite sides of the room like my parents did.

[Ryan]

Oct 19, 2015 9:19:33 GMT -5 haapai said:

Oct 19, 2015 9:13:49 GMT -5 Ryan said:

I really don't have any friends that have gotten divorced, but if you're friends with both people then I would say that both would be excluded from couples events, the husband is invited to guy events, and the wife is invited to girls events.  

Well, that excludes most of my friends. 

That's why they say divorce is hardest on the friends.

[ArchietheDragon]

Oct 19, 2015 9:35:19 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm not sure that would work well in our group. There are 10 of us total -- the girls are all good friends (and friends with some of the husbands), the guys are good in groups of 2-3 but not all are as close to each other as the girls are. We are generally either in a big mixed group or it's just girls.

So it would really be a question of whether to exclude divorcing guy from couples events... which I don't want to do. I wish they could just stay on opposite sides of the room like my parents did.

He will move on.  

[Ryan]

Oct 19, 2015 9:35:19 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm not sure that would work well in our group. There are 10 of us total -- the girls are all good friends (and friends with some of the husbands), the guys are good in groups of 2-3 but not all are as close to each other as the girls are. We are generally either in a big mixed group or it's just girls.

So it would really be a question of whether to exclude divorcing guy from couples events... which I don't want to do. I wish they could just stay on opposite sides of the room like my parents did.

So it sounds like you could live without the guy, but not the girl so there is your answer.  If this were to happen, there is always a clear "winner" in most cases.  The husband was my friend long before he met his wife.  The wife was my wife's friend long before the husband came into the picture.  I only have one friend (who dated his wife since HS) that would be tricky since we've both known both of them for a long time.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 19, 2015 9:35:19 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm not sure that would work well in our group. There are 10 of us total -- the girls are all good friends (and friends with some of the husbands), the guys are good in groups of 2-3 but not all are as close to each other as the girls are. We are generally either in a big mixed group or it's just girls.

So it would really be a question of whether to exclude divorcing guy from couples events... which I don't want to do. I wish they could just stay on opposite sides of the room like my parents did.

So tell them that.  Worst that happens is what, they both storm off in a huff because you expect them to act like adults? 

[Green Eyed Lady]

I only have set of friends who are divorced. They are both great people. They just got married too young and for all the wrong reasons. There isn't really any great animosity between the two of them and they do a great job of co-parenting.  They divorced each other.  Our group of friends didn't divorce either one of them. They are free to join gatherings where the other will be....or not. It's up to them. I really don't think either one of them expects their friends to stress on it.  So far, so good. 

[Bonny]

Don't let them manipulate you into their drama.

If one of them says "I won't go (to your event) because STBX will be there your response is "That's a shame, we'll miss seeing you".

Rinse and repeat.

We had to live with a certain amount of this between DH's parents. Each was married 3x. Holidays were alternated and we rarely spent much time with my family which had its pluses and minuses.

And we pretty much had everyone mad at us at our wedding. Mom mad because we didn't spend enough money, MIL because we didn't get sucked into her power play at the rehearsal dinner and DFIL because we didn't ask for any help.

Makes you wonder if we were the only adults at the event. 

[The Captain]

Ugg.  Only had one set of very close friends get divorced and it was because one of them went off the deep end and refused to get help.  We didn't exclude them, they excluded themselves.

Hearing divorce statistics I'm stunned at how many of our crowed didn't get divorced.  Except for the one mentioned above, most of the divorced friends we have, got divorced before we became friends.

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2015 9:46:22 GMT -5 Bonny said:

Don't let them manipulate you into their drama.

If one of them says "I won't go (to your event) because STBX will be there your response is "That's a shame, we'll miss seeing you".

Unless you really do favor one over the other, just invite them both and let them decide if they are comfortable going. 

[Deleted]

I was trying to remember how the friends situation worked out with my two divorces, but we didn't have any...either time.  Not joint friends anyhow.  A little weird I guess.  However, I still get invited to all the family things from both my ex's sides.  Some I go to, some I don't.

[Miss Tequila]

I kept my friends, he kept his friends. All of our "couple friends" were really my friends as he isn't the most outgoing guy. So, that was easy-peasy.

What is hard is the family functions. I was part of his family for 26 years (6 years dating and 20 years married).  I am very close to my SIL. She chose me in the divorce because he is an ass (that's her words, not mine!lol) so she and I get together and do things. however, he is part of her family so even though she invites me to family functions, I will not attend. I have no desire to socialize with that man and refuse to attend something that makes me feel awkward. The only exception I will make is for the wedding of my niece or nephew. 

[Gardening Grandma]

Not dealing with this firsthand, but some close friends are. Their son left his wife (a DIL they adore) for another woman. Two young children.  Grandma's 100th birthday coming up ( not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas).  The exDIL has known and loved Grandma forever, so friends have told son he is not to bring the girlfriend to Grandma's BD celebration.  I'm not even sure Grandma has been informed of the split.....

They are dreading the holidays. Divorce has been filed, feelings are still raw.The exDIL is comporting herself with grace and dignity and friends absolutely love her.

[midjd]

Thanks for the responses! 

At this point wife has already started with the dirty laundry airing. Husband is (wisely) silent. If she continues publicly dragging him through the mud when she is at least as culpable in everything that has transpired, I think she'll make our decision easier. :/

I've been friends with both of them (separately) since before they started dating... I just hate the whole situation. I wasn't this upset about a relationship ending when my own parents got divorced.

[Peace Of Mind]

I would pick the fun but saner one. 

Sorry your good friends are ending their relationship.  I personally don't consider the person that says "If you invite them I'm not coming" bringing you into their drama though.  I would think they are just letting you know they'd not be attending as it would be very awkward so only invite them if the other is not invited.  If you love them both equally I'd invite them both and let them work it out amongst themselves.  But do you really want to risk drama at your function or would that add to the fun?  

[NancysSummerSip]

Oct 19, 2015 12:46:30 GMT -5 midjd said:

Thanks for the responses! 

At this point wife has already started with the dirty laundry airing. Husband is (wisely) silent. If she continues publicly dragging him through the mud when she is at least as culpable in everything that has transpired, I think she'll make our decision easier. :/

I've been friends with both of them (separately) since before they started dating... I just hate the whole situation. I wasn't this upset about a relationship ending when my own parents got divorced.

Unfortunately, social media makes this kind of thing much easier. Now, instead of confronting each other, it's time for the virtual backstabbing Olympics. I hate it for the kids, really. Because this stuff online never really goes away.

Although there was less social media availability when my friend went through his divorce from the cheating XW 14 years ago, she still tried to paint him in a bad light. But those of us who knew him knew better. Now, she has no friends here. Interestingly, her daughter (from her first marriage) is very close to my friend, who is her stepdad (her biodad has not been in the picture in 20 years) and relies on him for advice and knowledge. She is cordial with her mother, but they are not close at all.

[Miss Tequila]

Oct 19, 2015 12:55:33 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

I would pick the fun but saner one. 

Sorry your good friends are ending their relationship.  I personally don't consider the person that says "If you invite them I'm not coming" bringing you into their drama though.  I would think they are just letting you know they'd not be attending as it would be very awkward so only invite them if the other is not invited.  If you love them both equally I'd invite them both and let them work it out amongst themselves.  But do you really want to risk drama at your function or would that add to the fun?  

I agree with this.  When my SIL invites me to anything I ask her if her brother is coming.  Early on she hoped we could both go to stuff (NAIVE!LOL) but now she knows enough to tell me that she didn't invite him as she wants me to come! Holidays and such he will obviously be invited so I won't be going.

I don't do it for drama...I do it because I really won't go if he is there. I'm very upfront with that. I won't be hurt if a person invites both of us but I want to know if he accepted or not before I accept. 

[NancysSummerSip]

I personally don't consider the person that says "If you invite them I'm not coming" bringing you into their drama though. I would think they are just letting you know they'd not be attending as it would be very awkward so only invite them if the other is not invited.

Most times, I agree. Sometimes, some people who need drama and attention will use this to create it, though. My ex-SIL did. She'd ask if my brother was invited to family events, then pitch a hissy fit if he was planning to attend a function she wanted to attend as well. She'd go through the whole "How come you don't care about me, wah, wah, wah!" routine. (Um, because he's family and you're an out-law now? Because he could care less  whether you are attending, and will be civil if you do show up? Because the kids will be there, and they'd like to see their dad?).

We solved the problem by not asking her to events anymore.

[mojothehelpermonkey]

I will forever be grateful that Facebook wasn't around when my parents got divorced. I would suggest refusing to listen to any dirty laundry and unfollowing one or both of them on Facebook if necessary.
My mom talked her stepson-in-law out of divorcing his wife about a decade ago by telling him exactly how much every aspect of his life would change. They are still together, and as far as I can tell they are happy again.

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2015 15:27:42 GMT -5 mojothehelpermonkey said:

I will forever be grateful that Facebook wasn't around when my parents got divorced. I would suggest refusing to listen to any dirty laundry and unfollowing one or both of them on Facebook if necessary.
My mom talked her stepson-in-law out of divorcing his wife about a decade ago by telling him exactly how much every aspect of his life would change. They are still together, and as far as I can tell they are happy again.

Hear! Hear!

I absolutely shudder to think of what it would have been like back then if they knew what social media was or even how to use it. Ugh. It would not have been pretty. As to the friends at the time of the divorce, the ones in NH were my dad's and he kept them for the most part. Then we moved here.  

[nutty]

I lost a few who I thought were my friends. I only knew them through the Ex sooooo I guess it was inevitably but it still hurt really bad.

[zibazinski]

DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I was numb but afterwards my friends were furious on my behalf. The rabbi never mentioned my name. Only one friend from his former life was asked to speak and he said nothing about us as a couple. So my six years with DH disappeared like it never happened. I console myself that DH loved me and vice versa and her show was exactly that. But it sure did hurt.
I lost the "friends" in my divorce because I lost the money. So I figured friends like that, weren't.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Wait, I don't mean to take away from mid's thread, but zib did your husband just pass away? I thought the two of you were going to Florida for the winter? I'm so sorry either way: if I'm interpreting this correctly or if I'm not and making a patooty of myself. 

[taz157]

Oct 19, 2015 20:27:25 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Wait, I don't mean to take away from mid's thread, but zib did your husband just pass away? I thought the two of you were going to Florida for the winter? I'm so sorry either way: if I'm interpreting this correctly or if I'm not and making a patooty of myself. 

Yes, her DH did pass away. There's a thread on EE about it.

[cronewitch]

My SIL's brother tried to divorce his wife about 20 years ago but would have lost his sisters in the divorce. His wife is from the Philippines and a meek woman who didn't speak much English, hair down past her waist and didn't drive. Housewife with a 4 year old and he decided to move out. Tells is wife she must not work, not put daughter in daycare. He told her she couldn't date until the daughter left home he would support them but live somewhere else.

He has 3 sisters who told his wife he can't tell you what to do if he divorces you. They taught her to drive, she got a hair cut and a job and put the daughter in daycare, he could see this was leading to her becoming her own person and his sisters getting her in the divorce. So he canceled it, now the little girl is a doctor and they are still married. I think he liked her better when she did whatever she wanted, she was more interesting, had her own small business and not so dependent on him.
She is an amazing cook and can wrap gifts and do many other things very well I think he was just bored when she was the obedient little wife.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 19, 2015 17:12:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I was numb but afterwards my friends were furious on my behalf. The rabbi never mentioned my name. Only one friend from his former life was asked to speak and he said nothing about us as a couple. So my six years with DH disappeared like it never happened. I console myself that DH loved me and vice versa and her show was exactly that. But it sure did hurt.
I lost the "friends" in my divorce because I lost the money. So I figured friends like that, weren't.

That is so wrong, Zib.  I am so sorry.