CCL
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Post by CCL on Oct 19, 2015 22:01:58 GMT -5
Wait, I don't mean to take away from mid's thread, but zib did your husband just pass away? I thought the two of you were going to Florida for the winter? I'm so sorry either way: if I'm interpreting this correctly or if I'm not and making a patooty of myself. I thought the same thing. I had no idea.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Oct 19, 2015 22:06:34 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I was numb but afterwards my friends were furious on my behalf. The rabbi never mentioned my name. Only one friend from his former life was asked to speak and he said nothing about us as a couple. So my six years with DH disappeared like it never happened. I console myself that DH loved me and vice versa and her show was exactly that. But it sure did hurt. I lost the "friends" in my divorce because I lost the money. So I figured friends like that, weren't. That is so wrong, Zib. I am so sorry. That is terrible.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Oct 19, 2015 22:26:38 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I was numb but afterwards my friends were furious on my behalf. The rabbi never mentioned my name. Only one friend from his former life was asked to speak and he said nothing about us as a couple. So my six years with DH disappeared like it never happened. I console myself that DH loved me and vice versa and her show was exactly that. But it sure did hurt. I lost the "friends" in my divorce because I lost the money. So I figured friends like that, weren't. That is so wrong, Zib. I am so sorry. Yeah that. ((((Hugs))))
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Oct 20, 2015 1:31:00 GMT -5
zibazinski I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I know it must have especially hurt given everything you just had to help your late DH with healthwise. I am sure that nearly everyone noticed the awful behavior, but most would not say anything because of the setting. @midjd I think you have to give things time. If they just announced this then the emotions are still raw. I think it is reasonable to alternate inviting them couples events at least through the divorce. That way you are offering your friendship to both, though I think you might find one or both will move on. And like you mention the woman is already being inappropriate. So at some point you will probably be sitting the woman down for a hard conversation about her behavior.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 20, 2015 8:35:58 GMT -5
Alternate - or let them sort it out. One or the other of them will have multiple things to do half the time (at least if they are like my friends.)
I was trying to think of how this has worked out in my life - as I have had many friends get divorced - and I realized they have all drifted away either before or after their divorce. One stayed single and was just not interested in my life which contained so many children and the obligations surrounding that. One couple, both people found new relationships quickly and immersed themselves fully in that person's world - leaving behind many previous relationships. One couple moved and faded out quickly and then divorced shortly after that. One couple - I am sure it was my fault. I panicked when they divorced. That shit can be contagious - and I didn't want to catch marital strife from them, so I backed away. (I know - I am a shitty ass friend.) I did stay friends with that one gal. She says I was her rock - so hopefully that balances out my karma.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 20, 2015 10:16:29 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I was numb but afterwards my friends were furious on my behalf. The rabbi never mentioned my name. Only one friend from his former life was asked to speak and he said nothing about us as a couple. So my six years with DH disappeared like it never happened. I console myself that DH loved me and vice versa and her show was exactly that. But it sure did hurt. I lost the "friends" in my divorce because I lost the money. So I figured friends like that, weren't. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My dad's girlfriend of almost 10 years was basically ignored by a lot of people at the funeral for my dad that his brother put together. Some people are just awful. My dad's coworkers put together another memorial service later that was more in tune with what he would have wanted.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Oct 20, 2015 10:55:44 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow.
I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration.
Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 20, 2015 11:09:19 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration. Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this. I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2015 11:19:39 GMT -5
I can understand the ex attending the funeral, she is the mother of his children. To ham it up during the funeral like you're the only widow is a bitch move.
I am also surprised the rabbi never said anything considering Zib is his wife.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 20, 2015 11:42:58 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration. Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this. I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything There is attending the funeral and there is making it all about you and your loss. My BILs ex was horrible the week after he died. She kept calling her daughter saying she should come to MO too and was a wreck on the phone to her 22 yo daughter. My niece finally told her you have to stop calling and no you cannot come to MO. If she had been supportive of my niece and my MIL she would have been welcome, but she made it all about her and my niece had enough. (FTR they had been split for 15 years+ at the time of his death and were together less than 10.)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 20, 2015 11:55:38 GMT -5
I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything There is attending the funeral and there is making it all about you and your loss. My BILs ex was horrible the week after he died. She kept calling her daughter saying she should come to MO too and was a wreck on the phone to her 22 yo daughter. My niece finally told her you have to stop calling and no you cannot come to MO. If she had been supportive of my niece and my MIL she would have been welcome, but she made it all about her and my niece had enough. (FTR they had been split for 15 years+ at the time of his death and were together less than 10.) Of course I wouldn't do that...a funeral is about the person that died and that's it.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Oct 20, 2015 12:12:16 GMT -5
My and DH's best friends just got divorced and it is so insanely complicated I fear we will lose them both. Well, both will likely remain in our lives, but I can't figure out how to remain close. She is part of my social circle and he is part of DH's, but there isn't much overlap so everyone else has essentially chosen sides. Her new beau is a former friend of her ex, now a social pariah in DH's circle. Remaining neutral is pretty much impossible. We can hangout separately, but couple events will not be happening for some time.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 20, 2015 12:16:15 GMT -5
My MIL is a good one for making it all about her. One of her sisters was dying over the period of a couple weeks. Instead of traveling there to say goodbye while it was happening, she waited until her sister was gone to travel there for the funeral instead, to be there "for the family". IMO, I think the family could have used some support while it was happening, but then my MIL wouldn't be getting any attention then.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 20, 2015 12:24:20 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration. Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this. I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything A lot depends on circumstances. My brother brought his bio-dad to my mom's funeral (her ex) supposedly for his (my brother's) emotional support. Never mind the fact that the sperm doner basically walked out our his sons' lives and left a young woman with two young kids, one sick and permanently hospitalized and had another man (my father) pay for the medical bills, funeral when the sick kid died (that sperm donor didn't bother to show up at) and never contributed a dime to support them. My grandma hated mom's ex with a venom I never saw elsewhere. Imagine a 90 yo woman in a wheelchair, burying her daughter (my mom), and having to look at the man who treated her own like dirt. Not saying that's what it's like in your case, but there are circumstances where it is not appropriate for the ex to come to the funeral. If you treat the parent of your children with respect that's one thing, not sure if that was the case for Zib's husband.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Oct 20, 2015 12:34:42 GMT -5
Dayum....that's awful. If I had been granny, I'd have tried to find a way out of that wheelchair and run his ass over with it. After all, what could they do to a 90-year-old that was worse than losing your own child? I think you have a lot of people who crave attention use major events like divorce and death as their personal soapbox time. I call people like this "spotlighters," as in, they see a spotlight and they jump right into it, regardless of the circumstances. If there is a chance that they can be up front, out there and numero uno, they will take it. Heck, they don't even have to be related to the divorced or deceased. At an event a few years ago, an acquaintance of mine decided to take over the bar and teach the hired bartenders how to "do drinks right" and wound up so messed up herself that she was tapdancing on the bar. Problem was, the event was a post-funeral luncheon at a rather swank country club.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 20, 2015 12:39:54 GMT -5
DH's ex showed up to the visitation, the funeral, and the meal after. She put on quite the show of the grieving widow. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the nerve of this witch (misspelled). I realize she had a history with him .......... but Zib is his chosen wife and companion at the time of his death. I'm surprised the Rabbi allowed the disrespect to you at the life celebration. Zib, I'm so very sorry about this whole situation. Do what you need to do to get through this. I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything My mom attended my dad's funeral, and she was one of the few people who hugged my dad's girlfriend and told her how sorry she was for her loss. However, if she had still been as angry as she was right after the divorce, it probably would have been easier on my brother and I to not have her there. Also, my dad's brother thought his brother's ex-wife would be the perfect person to talk sh*t about my dad with at the funeral, but my mom shut him down pretty quick. I guess it depends on the timing and everyone's ability to behave like adults.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 20, 2015 12:46:58 GMT -5
I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything My mom attended my dad's funeral, and she was one of the few people who hugged my dad's girlfriend and told her how sorry she was for her loss. However, if she had still been as angry as she was right after the divorce, it probably would have been easier on my brother and I to not have her there. Also, my dad's brother thought his brother's ex-wife would be the perfect person to talk sh*t about my dad with at the funeral, but my mom shut him down pretty quick. I guess it depends on the timing and everyone's ability to behave like adults. There is class and then there is ass. Your mom is class.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 20, 2015 12:48:54 GMT -5
an event a few years ago, an acquaintance of mine decided to take over the bar and teach the hired bartenders how to "do drinks right" and wound up so messed up herself that she was tapdancing on the bar. Problem was, the event was a post-funeral luncheon at a rather swank country club
It's so not appropriate and I know I should be horrified but I find it hysterical. That would be quite something to talk about afterwards.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 20, 2015 12:53:59 GMT -5
I don't know what I think. My ex is the father of my children and I spent 26 years with him. Should I not attend his funeral, even to support my children, if he were to die? I have seen plenty of funerals where the ex attends so I wouldn't have given it a second thought..not that I'm plotting my exes death or anything My mom attended my dad's funeral, and she was one of the few people who hugged my dad's girlfriend and told her how sorry she was for her loss. However, if she had still been as angry as she was right after the divorce, it probably would have been easier on my brother and I to not have her there. Also, my dad's brother thought his brother's ex-wife would be the perfect person to talk sh*t about my dad with at the funeral, but my mom shut him down pretty quick. I guess it depends on the timing and everyone's ability to behave like adults. I'm very civil to my ex publicly and in front of my children. I would never embarrass myself or my children...and a funeral isn't about how he wronged me or anything else. It would be about showing my respects to his family (who still adore me) and to support my children.
I just didn't realize that an ex showing up could be considered a bad thing. Given our ages, odds are that we will have been together longer than any relationship he or I have going out. I can honor the man he was at one point any pay my respects to his family without making it about me. I think the difficult part would be that I do have 26 years of history with him. Odds are I will know long lost friends and family that his new wife (if anyone marries him) just wouldn't know. So it might seem I was flouncing in and making it about me when in reality, it is just a shared history that no one can replace.
If we were only together 5 or 10 years it would be different...but 26 years has a lot of history behind it.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 20, 2015 12:55:40 GMT -5
My mom attended my dad's funeral, and she was one of the few people who hugged my dad's girlfriend and told her how sorry she was for her loss. However, if she had still been as angry as she was right after the divorce, it probably would have been easier on my brother and I to not have her there. Also, my dad's brother thought his brother's ex-wife would be the perfect person to talk sh*t about my dad with at the funeral, but my mom shut him down pretty quick. I guess it depends on the timing and everyone's ability to behave like adults. There is class and then there is ass. Your mom is class. First she scolded him for not being a better godfather to my brother during the time that my dad was drinking himself to death, so she didn't entirely take the high road.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 20, 2015 13:11:02 GMT -5
There is class and then there is ass. Your mom is class. First she scolded him for not being a better godfather to my brother during the time that my dad was drinking himself to death, so she didn't entirely take the high road. I don't put too much stock in godfathers and mothers-symbolic role and nothing more in my opinion and nothing else, especially when we four siblings had all different godparents. I probably saw my godparents maybe ten times in my whole life. And they lived just two suburban towns away. Now as an uncle and brother to your mother's ex, I can understand her annoyance with him.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 20, 2015 13:39:35 GMT -5
The annoying part was that my uncle is one of those judgy religious types who does put a lot of stock in the role of godfathers. (Disclaimer: Not all religious people are like that.)
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 20, 2015 16:15:16 GMT -5
The annoying part was that my uncle is one of those judgy religious types who does put a lot of stock in the role of godfathers. (Disclaimer: Not all religious people are like that.) Yea I know godfathers. I lived in a heavily populated Italian neighborhood for a number of years and I know all about those godfathers.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Oct 20, 2015 16:21:54 GMT -5
Dayum....that's awful. If I had been granny, I'd have tried to find a way out of that wheelchair and run his ass over with it. After all, what could they do to a 90-year-old that was worse than losing your own child? I think you have a lot of people who crave attention use major events like divorce and death as their personal soapbox time. I call people like this "spotlighters," as in, they see a spotlight and they jump right into it, regardless of the circumstances. If there is a chance that they can be up front, out there and numero uno, they will take it. Heck, they don't even have to be related to the divorced or deceased. At an event a few years ago, an acquaintance of mine decided to take over the bar and teach the hired bartenders how to "do drinks right" and wound up so messed up herself that she was tapdancing on the bar. Problem was, the event was a post-funeral luncheon at a rather swank country club. I have a blowhard uncle (Mom's brother) who showed up at my uncle's (Dad's oldest brother) wake years ago, my aunt in tow. whose support he was there for, I'll never figure out. we were all standing in the viewing room, and blowhard's doing what he does best - speaking loudly about the all-inclusive vacation he had just returned from. I wish I could say that's the only gaffe he's ever made. and my mother wonders why I want nothing to do with that side of the family.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 20, 2015 16:32:26 GMT -5
The annoying part was that my uncle is one of those judgy religious types who does put a lot of stock in the role of godfathers. (Disclaimer: Not all religious people are like that.) Yea I know godfathers. I lived in a heavily populated Italian neighborhood for a number of years and I know all about those godfathers. This was the rural Norwegian/German variation. My brother was shunned for getting a body piercing and showing no interest in guns. I guess it's really not that different.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 20, 2015 16:57:40 GMT -5
Wait, I don't mean to take away from mid's thread, but zib did your husband just pass away? I thought the two of you were going to Florida for the winter? I'm so sorry either way: if I'm interpreting this correctly or if I'm not and making a patooty of myself. Yes, he passed away unexpectedly October 5th. I'm doing what we were going to do, just on my own instead of together.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 20, 2015 17:05:43 GMT -5
Her "children" are in their forties with children of their own. She ignored them and just "held court." As far as the rabbi, he was being PC in hopes that he didn't piss off the Jewish group. Mentioning me at all would have done just that. He actually mentioned the care I gave DH later on and I said how nice of you to acknowledge that AFTER the funeral when no one can possibly hear you. I hope DH hasn't paid his temple dues bcuz that rabbi is not getting another dime from DH's estate. THAT I can control. Kiss that 4K goodbye. Good luck getting it from the ex.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Oct 20, 2015 18:53:41 GMT -5
I was very lucky ... I kept EVERYBODY after my divorce, although life happens and I'm not necessarily in touch or close with them now, 23 years later. I am still closer to his cousins than my ex is, 23 years later (although not to his parents / sister of course, they are immediate family, and blood is thicker than water).
One very common thing I read / heard about was, that nobody your age likes a divorced woman hanging around, because she's "on the market". I was always invited, even if I was "the odd woman out". Again, I was very lucky / blessed, my friends all came out of the woodwork for me. Despite that, it was such a terrible, lonely time in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. True confessions: I used to change the clocks in the house so that my kids could go to bed, so I could go to bed too.
In my experience, the people that have "done wrong" tend to disappear ... sometimes very quickly. Maybe from shame, discomfort, I don't know.
I think you are right to try to continue to befriend both. But, I think it is unlikely that 1 or 2 or 3 or 5 years from now, both friends will be very present in your lives. Often one (or the other, or even both) will decide to "cut the cord", and "start over". You are all young, it's easier to "start over" at your age than when you've got a kid in HS, for example. You and your friends are young, some may just turn the page on your collective past and thrown themselves into their new relationships.
But you are a good person to worry about this Mid, and to want to do right by both of them. Kudos to you.
ETA: I also agree with Thyme, that marital strife can "rub off". IMO, before every new divorce, there is a close couple that divorces. The person who may want to divorce silently observes the process, and realises (in most cases) that nobody died, nobody killed themselves, the kids are still "okay" (whatever that means, the bar can be pretty low for somebody who becomes hell-bent on divorcing). So they decide, well so-and-so divorced, and the sky didn't fall down, the earth didn't swallow them up, everybody is still OK, despite the divorce. So that means divorce isn't that big a deal. So that means that I can do it too.
That is just my opinion and my experience. But with literally EVERY divorced person I've gotten close enough to to ask them about it, they have had somebody in their close circle who had recently divorced.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 20, 2015 21:05:11 GMT -5
I was friends with a couple who divorced. The husband came in to my workplace (H & R Block) seeking their tax returns and told me before he told my friend, the wife. I was appalled. He asked me not to tell her. That was so hard. I knew the day as he was going to pick her up from the airport and tell her when they got home.
Yep, the phone rang that evening and it was her. I managed not to ever tell her than I knew before she did, but it was so hard. Never talked to him again. He had asked if he could stay in the house until the divorce was final but she kicked him out that night. Turned out he was having an affair with his high school sweetheart from way back when and only stayed in the marriage until the glory days of their youngest child's athletic achievements were over.
About the time my friend was starting to be happy again, she was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away 6 months later. The children told him that he was not welcome at the funeral and he was not present. I had only met her side of the family, so don't know if any of his siblings were at the funeral. Guess he got his due because she died in February and in December of the same year, he had a brain anuerysm and died. I felt bad for the kids because they did lose both parents in such a short time. One of them told me they had already lost their father.
The oldest child was mildly mentally retarded. As part of the divorce proceedings, husband tried to say it wasn't his child so a DNA test was performed. Yes, it was his child. He had it written in the divorce decree that he never had to see that child again as long as he paid child support. I could not believe the cruelty of that man.
It was not hard to lose him as a friend.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Oct 20, 2015 21:12:20 GMT -5
Yikes.
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