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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2015 21:38:39 GMT -5
Wait, I don't mean to take away from mid's thread, but zib did your husband just pass away? I thought the two of you were going to Florida for the winter? I'm so sorry either way: if I'm interpreting this correctly or if I'm not and making a patooty of myself. Yes, he passed away unexpectedly October 5th. I'm doing what we were going to do, just on my own instead of together. Ah, damn it! I am so sorry but so glad you had the time together you did. And I am really sorry for the way his ex-family and the rabbi treated you. Just not right
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 20, 2015 23:05:28 GMT -5
I was friends with a couple who divorced. The husband came in to my workplace (H & R Block) seeking their tax returns and told me before he told my friend, the wife. I was appalled. He asked me not to tell her. That was so hard. I knew the day as he was going to pick her up from the airport and tell her when they got home. Yep, the phone rang that evening and it was her. I managed not to ever tell her than I knew before she did, but it was so hard. Never talked to him again. He had asked if he could stay in the house until the divorce was final but she kicked him out that night. Turned out he was having an affair with his high school sweetheart from way back when and only stayed in the marriage until the glory days of their youngest child's athletic achievements were over. About the time my friend was starting to be happy again, she was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away 6 months later. The children told him that he was not welcome at the funeral and he was not present. I had only met her side of the family, so don't know if any of his siblings were at the funeral. Guess he got his due because she died in February and in December of the same year, he had a brain anuerysm and died. I felt bad for the kids because they did lose both parents in such a short time. One of them told me they had already lost their father. The oldest child was mildly mentally retarded. As part of the divorce proceedings, husband tried to say it wasn't his child so a DNA test was performed. Yes, it was his child. He had it written in the divorce decree that he never had to see that child again as long as he paid child support. I could not believe the cruelty of that man. It was not hard to lose him as a friend. As the parent of a special needs child I have to say the part about him not having to see his child if he laid support broke my heart. How absolutely cruel
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 21, 2015 9:25:01 GMT -5
OMG, marital strife is not "contagious". You don't just go from happy to unhappy because a divorcing couple sat too close to you. Every relationship has its issues and complications, so you have no idea what the couple divorcing right after one already did had going on. Maybe they were considering it longer than the first couple and it was just a timing issue. You'll never know.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 21, 2015 9:43:44 GMT -5
Every relationship has its issues and complications, so you have no idea what the couple divorcing right after one already did had going on
DH was going on about his nephew and girlfriend breaking up. I said you have no idea what was going on behind closed doors so you don't get to decide who was at fault or if they should have stayed together. They seem to be working it out as far as their 2 year old son goes so MYOB.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 21, 2015 10:18:28 GMT -5
I don't think divorce is contagious, but I do think the "see, they divorced, the sky didn't fall, everyone is still breathing" factor isn't to be discounted. A couple divorcing is not going to take another couple in their group from happy to unhappy, but it could be the impetus for an already unhappy couple to finally pull the trigger once they see divorce isn't the end of the world. My friends' situation continues to devolve. My girlfriends and I are encouraging them both (separately) to stay civil for the kids, but it is gonna be a tough road. I just wish there was something more I could do.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Oct 21, 2015 10:48:27 GMT -5
I don't think divorce is contagious, but I do think the "see, they divorced, the sky didn't fall, everyone is still breathing" factor isn't to be discounted. A couple divorcing is not going to take another couple in their group from happy to unhappy, but it could be the impetus for an already unhappy couple to finally pull the trigger once they see divorce isn't the end of the world. Agreed. Like when gay people start being all gay and stuff. Other straight people go, "hey that's not so bad". That's how they recruit us.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 21, 2015 10:56:06 GMT -5
I don't think divorce is contagious, but I do think the "see, they divorced, the sky didn't fall, everyone is still breathing" factor isn't to be discounted. A couple divorcing is not going to take another couple in their group from happy to unhappy, but it could be the impetus for an already unhappy couple to finally pull the trigger once they see divorce isn't the end of the world. but if that's what needed to happen after all is said and done, is it really that terrible? Divorce - like marriage, having (planned) children, or any other life-altering event - is not a decision one makes lightly. You look at your situation, weigh the benefits and drawbacks, and go from there.
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quince
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Post by quince on Oct 21, 2015 11:45:33 GMT -5
I am actually a fan of divorce. I'm not a fan of people staying together, miserable with the situation, because divorce is a horrible boogeyman that will make the kids into delinquents and everyone go bankrupt, regardless of the maturity of the parents or their financial situation.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 21, 2015 12:09:56 GMT -5
I am actually a fan of divorce. I'm not a fan of people staying together, miserable with the situation, because divorce is a horrible boogeyman that will make the kids into delinquents and everyone go bankrupt, regardless of the maturity of the parents or their financial situation. both X's parents admitted to him (in the absence of the other spouse) that they hadn't had romantic feelings for each other for well over a decade. It's just like they're together because it's the status quo. They're not happy but it's better than being alone. I guess that's good enough for some people, but after living that way for a while I can't understand why I was ever one of those people. You don't win a gold medal for staying married to someone you can't stand.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Oct 21, 2015 12:10:40 GMT -5
I don't think divorce is contagious, but I do think the "see, they divorced, the sky didn't fall, everyone is still breathing" factor isn't to be discounted. A couple divorcing is not going to take another couple in their group from happy to unhappy, but it could be the impetus for an already unhappy couple to finally pull the trigger once they see divorce isn't the end of the world. but if that's what needed to happen after all is said and done, is it really that terrible? Divorce - like marriage, having (planned) children, or any other life-altering event - is not a decision one makes lightly. You look at your situation, weigh the benefits and drawbacks, and go from there. I never said it was terrible... in many cases, divorce is the best option.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Oct 21, 2015 12:15:11 GMT -5
but if that's what needed to happen after all is said and done, is it really that terrible? Divorce - like marriage, having (planned) children, or any other life-altering event - is not a decision one makes lightly. You look at your situation, weigh the benefits and drawbacks, and go from there. I never said it was terrible... okay - maybe I was reading your post the way I read Thyme and Bonny's because they were putting a negative spin on it all.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 21, 2015 14:40:53 GMT -5
I was friends with a couple who divorced. The husband came in to my workplace (H & R Block) seeking their tax returns and told me before he told my friend, the wife. I was appalled. He asked me not to tell her. That was so hard. I knew the day as he was going to pick her up from the airport and tell her when they got home. Yep, the phone rang that evening and it was her. I managed not to ever tell her than I knew before she did, but it was so hard. Never talked to him again. He had asked if he could stay in the house until the divorce was final but she kicked him out that night. Turned out he was having an affair with his high school sweetheart from way back when and only stayed in the marriage until the glory days of their youngest child's athletic achievements were over. About the time my friend was starting to be happy again, she was diagnosed with brain cancer and passed away 6 months later. The children told him that he was not welcome at the funeral and he was not present. I had only met her side of the family, so don't know if any of his siblings were at the funeral. Guess he got his due because she died in February and in December of the same year, he had a brain anuerysm and died. I felt bad for the kids because they did lose both parents in such a short time. One of them told me they had already lost their father. The oldest child was mildly mentally retarded. As part of the divorce proceedings, husband tried to say it wasn't his child so a DNA test was performed. Yes, it was his child. He had it written in the divorce decree that he never had to see that child again as long as he paid child support. I could not believe the cruelty of that man. It was not hard to lose him as a friend. As the parent of a special needs child I have to say the part about him not having to see his child if he laid support broke my heart. How absolutely cruel It happens more often than not.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 21, 2015 15:34:16 GMT -5
My parent's divorce wasn't a walk in the park. However, I am still better off than a few people I know whose parents didn't divorce, but still have a hard time being in the same room together. Regarding whether divorce is contagious, I think it makes happy couples appreciate what they have, and unhappy couples start thinking about their options.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 21, 2015 15:37:46 GMT -5
As the parent of a special needs child I have to say the part about him not having to see his child if he laid support broke my heart. How absolutely cruel It happens more often than not. The paternal grandparent's of my cousin's daughter fought her really hard for custody before the baby was even born. They backed off completely after the baby was born with some non-life threatening birth defects. Some people really are just awful.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 21, 2015 16:14:07 GMT -5
It's hard to deal with a special needs child. Not everyone is up to it. I can't bring myself to judge too harshly.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Oct 21, 2015 16:48:46 GMT -5
I think I would have more sympathy for them if they had stayed in her life after she was born instead of disappearing, even if they couldn't handle having full custody of her. She is a mostly normal teenager now, and they just recently decided they would like to have a relationship with her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 21, 2015 19:57:42 GMT -5
Yikes, that's the age most normal people would like to skip!! Not start coming around.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Oct 21, 2015 20:20:46 GMT -5
As the parent of a special needs child I have to say the part about him not having to see his child if he laid support broke my heart. How absolutely cruel It broke my heart for him and his mother. It was cruel. I am glad that she never told him. When the other three adult children could not understand her anger at their father, she finally let them read this part of the divorce decree. Their minds about their father changed--a lot and not for the better. He has two siblings that live in the same metropolitan area as he does. He wanted his own apartment and, with the money he inherited from mom and his SSI, he has a small apartment. He has his cats and the siblings check on him often. The sibling who has POA for him does not live in the area but I know she talks to him often. Whenever I talk to her, she tells me how he has flourished being on his own. He also was a great caretaker to him mom when she was sick.
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