Why Do People Who are Not Married Cheat?

[Deleted]

Honestly. I can't fathom why people who aren't even married go through all the lies and crap to cheat.

[Deleted]

Uh oh.

[NancysSummerSip]

Not quite sure where all of this is coming from, but assuming the relationship was an exclusive, just-the-two-of-you type of thing, and someone stepped out. I'd be hurt if it was me, but not surprised. People lie and cheat with one another simply because:
 1) they can - no one told them they couldn't do it.
 2) some people have no moral compass when it comes to right vs. wrong in this particular category (if there is no marital piece of paper, they don't see it as cheating)
 3) it's a thrill thing (some people enjoy both the thrill of the chase and the thrill of getting caught - it's a turn on for them)
4) the proverbial "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" idea
5) the relationship they're in is boring, predictable or otherwise unexciting
6) it's not their fault - they were "led astray" by someone else (yeah, I know it takes two to do this tango).

[Deleted]

The last guy I talked to and went out with. He came after me very agreessively and I figured out he is in a "serious" relationship with someone. 

They aren't married, but he is screwing around.

I told him to F-off because I don't do Girl 2 or cheating on GFs. He went away and came back again... I just don't know how to live without your body... OMG. WTF? So, I told him to pound it and posted a message on his FB account about him being a lier and cheater.   

I just don't get it. Break up and be with someone else if you want to be?

Maybe I am just finally figuring out how life should be, and I just tollerate a lot less crap from people.

[zibazinski]

Good for you for outing him!

[beergut]

Aug 1, 2015 11:43:31 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

Honestly. I can't fathom why people who aren't even married go through all the lies and crap to cheat.

The reason I often hear from divorced people is that there is something missing from the relationship, something they are not getting, and someone else provides it for them. 

In your case, you were giving him something he wasn't getting from his current relationship, so....he doesn't find her body attractive? 

[zibazinski]

I find people that cheat usually have serious self esteem issues and need the constant reaffirmation that they are "desirable."

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 12:04:27 GMT -5 @workingshasta said:

I just don't get it. Break up and be with someone else if you want to be?

They don't want to break up with what they have.  The current relationship is comfortable, but they are a selfish A hole and want extra. 

[ZaireinHD]

Aug 1, 2015 14:26:32 GMT -5 pooks said:

They don't want to break up with what they have.  The current relationship is comfortable, but they are a selfish A hole and want extra. 

I watch the TV Show Cheaters A LOT A LOT

My $0.02

I don't want to break up with current and then you come along and I find to be amazing and go after you aggressively and maybe you might work out better for me but don't want to let go of what I have

[techguy]

Let me be frank and tell it from a guy's perspective.

It's nature that causes men to want to Thai Food every attractive thing out there.

It just is.

So, it actually takes effort to NOT cheat.  Those that don't cheat actually have to make a conscience effort to not cheat.

I know, it's weird, but men can screw a different attractive woman every night with little remorse. We only worry about STDs and pregnancy.

I, myself, don't cheat only because I don't want to get caught and hurt the current SO.  But I can totally see why some guys are serial cheaters...

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 15:46:59 GMT -5 techguy said:

Let me be frank and tell it from a guy's perspective.

It's nature that causes men to want to Thai Food every attractive thing out there.

It just is.

So, it actually takes effort to NOT cheat.  Those that don't cheat actually have to make a conscience effort to not cheat.

I know, it's weird, but men can screw a different attractive woman every night with little remorse. We only worry about STDs and pregnancy.

I, myself, don't cheat only because I don't want to get caught and hurt the current SO.  But I can totally see why some guys are serial cheaters...

This

I don't cheat but I sure have the desire to, you can cage the lion but it still wants to hunt. I also think most men either will acknowledge they are the same way or they lie about it.

[justme]

You do realize a ton and a half of women cheat? At least we don't try to blame it on our fucking biology. Or at least I never hear that excuse to explain it away.

Sorry baby, my ovaries just wanted to jump him, nothing I could do. You're lucky I made the effort not to cheat as long as I did, you see his (redacted)?

[honeysalt]

I have never cheated, but I have been tempted to twice.

Once, was in college.  I was in an intense and not particularly healthy relationship.  I found myself fantasizing about starting a relationship with a guy I knew casually, and told my mom.  She told me it had nothing to do with fantasy boy and everything to do with the fact that I wanted out of my relationship.  She was right, I broke it off with the boyfriend and didn't get involved with fantasy boy. 

The other was last year.  DH and I do not have similar libidos and I am not convinced that monogamy makes a lot of sense to me (it did when I got married).  A man I was in contact with regularly pursued me.  I shot him down consistently, but I was physically attracted to him and, as an added bonus, he held no interest for me emotionally.  I brought up the idea of an open marriage to my partner, who quickly shot that down.  So, I let it go.

I also think there are a lot of people out there who are addicted to romantic love, or the initial phases of a relationship.  Those initial feelings don't last.  For emotionally mature people, they grow into something more meaningful, but some people need their infatuation drug.  Cheating is a good way to get that fix.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 16:57:39 GMT -5 justme said:

You do realize a ton and a half of women cheat? At least we don't try to blame it on our fucking biology. Or at least I never hear that excuse to explain it away.

Sorry baby, my ovaries just wanted to jump him, nothing I could do. You're lucky I made the effort not to cheat as long as I did, you see his (redacted)?

[br

So you are saying it isn't more hard wired in men to seek multiple partners? Everything I have seen and read suggests it is.

www.m.webmd.com/men/features/our-cheating-hearts


“There is a natural tendency that is pretty hardwired in us as a species that suggests putting your seed in as many places as possible. It’s what got humanity to this point in history,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California. “That non-monogamous urge persists in many men — though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”


I think the key is — "though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”

[justme]

Aug 1, 2015 17:36:17 GMT -5 @aj said:

Aug 1, 2015 16:57:39 GMT -5 justme said:

You do realize a ton and a half of women cheat? At least we don't try to blame it on our fucking biology. Or at least I never hear that excuse to explain it away.

Sorry baby, my ovaries just wanted to jump him, nothing I could do. You're lucky I made the effort not to cheat as long as I did, you see his (redacted)?

[br

So you are saying it isn't more hard wired in men to seek multiple partners? Everything I have seen and read suggests it is.

www.m.webmd.com/men/features/our-cheating-hearts


“There is a natural tendency that is pretty hardwired in us as a species that suggests putting your seed in as many places as possible. It’s what got humanity to this point in history,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California. “That non-monogamous urge persists in many men — though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”


I think the key is — "though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”

I'm not denying that across all animals males tend to have the biological need to spread their seed as much as possible while females tend to be selective because they have less eggs.

But male animals also tend to piss everywhere to mark their territory, still won't keep me from calling bs on a guy pissing everywhere because of his biology. Our brains have evolved beyond the animals in the wild, oh and there's some monogamous species out there.

If you don't want to be monogamous then don't be, but if you choose to be in an exclusive relationships don't act like it's a damn hardship and a favor and that you're going against nature.

[Deleted]

I've been trying to figure out for YEARS why people cheat, whether they're married or not.

It use to drive me nuts when people say "everybody cheats". Some people honestly believe that, but I think the ones that believe it, do so because THEY cheat and can't imagine how a person wouldn't.

I've asked cheaters why they do it, men and women. They have all kinds of reasons. For some, the sex isn't satisfying or frequent enough at home. For some, there's something besides the sex they're not getting at home. Some just like the thrill of doing something they're not suppose to. I can't even remember all the reasons I've heard. Some just do it just because they can. They know their SO will be hurt, but they also know they won't leave.

I finally stopped trying to figure it out and accepted that that's just what people do. When I finally accepted it, it honestly made me sad.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 17:44:57 GMT -5 justme said:

Aug 1, 2015 17:36:17 GMT -5 @aj said:

[br

So you are saying it isn't more hard wired in men to seek multiple partners? Everything I have seen and read suggests it is.

www.m.webmd.com/men/features/our-cheating-hearts


“There is a natural tendency that is pretty hardwired in us as a species that suggests putting your seed in as many places as possible. It’s what got humanity to this point in history,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified sex therapist in Fair Oaks, California. “That non-monogamous urge persists in many men — though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”


I think the key is — "though many manage serial monogamy despite that urge.”

I'm not denying that across all animals males tend to have the biological need to spread their seed as much as possible while females tend to be selective because they have less eggs.

But male animals also tend to piss everywhere to mark their territory, still won't keep me from calling bs on a guy pissing everywhere because of his biology. Our brains have evolved beyond the animals in the wild, oh and there's some monogamous species out there.

If you don't want to be monogamous then don't be, but if you choose to be in an exclusive relationships don't act like it's a damn hardship and a favor and that you're going against nature.

I agree with you that a person shouldn't be in a relationship if they want to play the field. I'm not asking for a cookie or anything for not cheating but saying we have evolved to a point that we don't still have urges isn't accurate.

[Works4me]

People who cheat do so because they are cheaters - it is something about them that has nothing to do with you or anyone else. Women cheat too.

Curious - did you specifically ask if he was single and unattached or did you just assume that he was available because he was pursuing you?

I have been divorced forever and in that time the definitions of single and available have changed greatly. I now specifically ask if they are single and available for a relationships because that is what I am looking for now. I also pay attention to the details and to his schedule. I never have sex with someone the first time we meet face to face because that is a decision I prefer to make for myself in the cold light of day.

One other thought - this did not work out for a long term relationship but so what? You stuck your toe back into the single dating world and had a good time. You learned more about yourself and others. Life goes on and so will you.

I think it is really great that you are rejoining the world. Be kind to yourself and have fun.mlearn what works for you and what makes you happy.

[justme]

Aug 1, 2015 17:54:35 GMT -5 @aj said:

Aug 1, 2015 17:44:57 GMT -5 justme said:

I'm not denying that across all animals males tend to have the biological need to spread their seed as much as possible while females tend to be selective because they have less eggs.

But male animals also tend to piss everywhere to mark their territory, still won't keep me from calling bs on a guy pissing everywhere because of his biology. Our brains have evolved beyond the animals in the wild, oh and there's some monogamous species out there.

If you don't want to be monogamous then don't be, but if you choose to be in an exclusive relationships don't act like it's a damn hardship and a favor and that you're going against nature.

I agree with you that a person shouldn't be in a relationship if they want to play the field. I'm not asking for a cookie or anything for not cheating but saying we have evolved to a point that we don't still have urges isn't accurate.

There's a big difference between saying you find others attractive yet choose your relationship and saying it takes a lot of effort not to cheat.

I have urges for cheesecake often, still keep myself from stuffing my face with it every time I see it, with not that much effort to boot.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 17:58:52 GMT -5 justme said:

Aug 1, 2015 17:54:35 GMT -5 @aj said:

I agree with you that a person shouldn't be in a relationship if they want to play the field. I'm not asking for a cookie or anything for not cheating but saying we have evolved to a point that we don't still have urges isn't accurate.

There's a big difference between saying you find others attractive yet choose your relationship and saying it takes a lot of effort not to cheat.

I have urges for cheesecake often, still keep myself from stuffing my face with it every time I see it, with not that much effort to boot.

I think we agree then we are just saying it a bit different, believe me I think people are responsible for their own actions and blaming biology is definitely not a sufficient excuse.

[techguy]

Aug 1, 2015 16:57:39 GMT -5 justme said:

You do realize a ton and a half of women cheat? At least we don't try to blame it on our fucking biology.

Yeah but the difference between men and women is that most women can get laid any night of the week with little effort.

Men, on the other hand, typically have to pursue and make an effort in order to get some action. So for us its a treat when a woman is willing to sleep with us. For most women, since sex is so readily available, its not a big deal since the opportunity is always there (i.e. Just say yes and you'll get laid).

I think women dont cheat as much due to this and also because many chicks like that emotional connection before spreading it.

[Green Eyed Lady]

This is extraordinarily depressing for me. Am I to believe that when I'm ready to start looking again and find someone I want to spend my life with (and they with me) that they will live every day fighting off the urge to cheat? That makes me sad.

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 19:06:22 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

This is extraordinarily depressing for me. Am I to believe that when I'm ready to start looking again and find someone I want to spend my life with (and they with me) that they will live every day fighting off the urge to cheat? That makes me sad.

Look at it this way, when you have found a guy that doesn't cheat even though the thought goes through his head you know you have someone that loves you. There are a lot of us that don't do it.

Two times I have been in a situation where I was drunk and the stars were aligned for it to happen and I didn't do it, and I know from those experiences that I would never do it.

[MJ2.0]

Imagine that (despite some red flags their family noticed but were ultimately ignored or explained away) someone found themselves married to a very controlling person. Imagine that this person lost all their friends and virtually all of their sense of self, like they were emotionally living in a cage. Imagine that years go by - this person sees that this is a problem, addresses it with their spouse, and their spouse refuses to accept there's a problem and refuses to seek an professional opinion.

Imagine that this person encounters someone who looks past the shell of a person and sees him/her for who (s)he is deep inside. Imagine that this someone dusts that off, shines a light on it, and reminds the person that this is who they are and that it is wonderful. Imagine these people begin to have a connection. Imagine this person told their spouse that it's over (because they want to end things first), and their spouse throws up tons of roadblocks to stop the end of the relationship.... You get the idea.

There is no excuse for cheating. It is extremely hurtful and wrong, but some situations have to be lived before one can understand why people make the choices they make.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head, mj. Cheating isn't always about the sex.  Maybe its more about something vital missing from one's life. It may be the sex but it may be something a person needs much more than that and they aren't getting it from their partner.  It doesn't make it right but it is an explanation.  I guess my next question would be...is a person ever going to find everything they need from their partner?  Everything they need to remain faithful?   If the answer is "no", then I'm doing the right thing by staying single.

[MJ2.0]

Aug 1, 2015 20:00:50 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I think you may have hit the nail on the head, mj. Cheating isn't always about the sex.  Maybe its more about something vital missing from one's life. It may be the sex but it may be something a person needs much more than that and they aren't getting it from their partner.  It doesn't make it right but it is an explanation.  I guess my next question would be...is a person ever going to find everything they need from their partner?  Everything they need to remain faithful?   If the answer is "no", then I'm doing the right thing by staying single.

1. You should never look for everything in one person - that is just a recipe for disaster.
2. Realize that love comes with no guarantees of any kind - that's what makes it so wonderful, exhilarating, and soul-crushing all at once.

[justme]

Do you find everything you need in a friend in one person? I don't. I have some that I can do almost anything with but others that just fit me on one or two things. So I certainly don't expect to find everything I need in a spouse. But I do expect to find everything romantic in one person.

[Green Eyed Lady]

By the way...I'm the Queen of Missing Signs That are Right in Front of Me.   I feel ya.

[MJ2.0]

Aug 1, 2015 19:01:06 GMT -5 techguy said:

Aug 1, 2015 16:57:39 GMT -5 justme said:

You do realize a ton and a half of women cheat? At least we don't try to blame it on our fucking biology.

Yeah but the difference between men and women is that most women can get laid any night of the week with little effort.

I need to address this.... Really? I've never felt like I could pull guys left and right. I mean I guess I could if I had no standards....

[Deleted]

Aug 1, 2015 20:20:06 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Aug 1, 2015 19:01:06 GMT -5 techguy said:

Yeah but the difference between men and women is that most women can get laid any night of the week with little effort.

I need to address this.... Really? I've never felt like I could pull guys left and right. I mean I guess I could if I had no standards....

Oh yeah, I guarantee an average looking woman can get a decent looking dude almost any night, go to any well populated bar and start talking to a lot of men.