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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 21:33:22 GMT -5
hmmm.....what if I don't think my IL's did a good job with their children......
Lena I think you may have me on ignore, because you have always ignored me since we disagreed a while back. But if you don't, um, you chose to marry their son. So they must have done SOMETHING right, unless your DH was raised by fairies / unicorns. Your in-laws sound like total douchebags, I agree. But a lot of the fault is your DH's for not standing up to them right away. I'm truly glad things are getting better there. If my 3 kids came home with 19 Pez dispensers each, I would have told them, that was just to play with, now choose the 3 you want to keep. The other 48 (16 X 3) would have been in the garbage / donation box immediately. I'm quoting you in case Lena DOES have you on ignore. Does that mean you can't read her if I quote? I thought your coments were good.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 8, 2015 21:55:44 GMT -5
Some people turn out ok even if their parents are completely useless.
We have have a few posters on here who came from less than ideal circumstances and are thriving.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 8, 2015 22:14:23 GMT -5
I know you planned on free daycare from her but if you don't get a grip and have a heart to heart with your MIL , you won't need to worry about daycare. DH told his bio that if he saw place cards addressed the way she addressed the wedding invite , he was leaving the wedding. She addressed him, her own father, as Mr So and So and me as my first name and my former last name. It was disrespectful. He blamed her mother but I said the bio was 27 years old, not 7. This was totally on her and childish/spiteful. But DH handled it. You're going to have to man up for this one. I think Carl's wife needs to handle this one. It's her mother. She needs to establish boundaries with her mother for her own sake, and yes, so her husband doesn't come home to a bunch of tension and confusion. Yeah, by telling her mom "Carl said..."
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 8, 2015 22:16:39 GMT -5
hmmm.....what if I don't think my IL's did a good job with their children......
Lena I think you may have me on ignore, because you have always ignored me since we disagreed a while back. But if you don't, um, you chose to marry their son. So they must have done SOMETHING right, unless your DH was raised by fairies / unicorns. Your in-laws sound like total douchebags, I agree. But a lot of the fault is your DH's for not standing up to them right away. I'm truly glad things are getting better there. If my 3 kids came home with 19 Pez dispensers each, I would have told them, that was just to play with, now choose the 3 you want to keep. The other 48 (16 X 3) would have been in the garbage / donation box immediately. I'm quoting you in case Lena DOES have you on ignore. LOL!!! Yes, she could read this unless she has you on ignore too. Oops - forgot my comment that I'm sure you all wanted to read. I agree with all of you that stated that as long as it's not a safety issue in some way that Grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids now and then. But I find it sad that some disregard a parent's wishes when it's health or safety related. I think many are trying to be the favorite grandparent when they get carried away so the grandkids like them best. I kind of find that sad too. At that age you should be less insecure about such things especially at the risk of making your grandkids ill in the process.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 22:30:34 GMT -5
hmmm.....what if I don't think my IL's did a good job with their children......
Lena I think you may have me on ignore, because you have always ignored me since we disagreed a while back. But if you don't, um, you chose to marry their son. So they must have done SOMETHING right, unless your DH was raised by fairies / unicorns. Your in-laws sound like total douchebags, I agree. But a lot of the fault is your DH's for not standing up to them right away. I'm truly glad things are getting better there. If my 3 kids came home with 19 Pez dispensers each, I would have told them, that was just to play with, now choose the 3 you want to keep. The other 48 (16 X 3) would have been in the garbage / donation box immediately. I'm quoting you in case Lena DOES have you on ignore. Does that mean you can't read her if I quote? I thought your coments were good. Yes, I do have her on ignore. And yes, I can read it if someone quotes it, although, I have less than zero interest in doing so
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 22:36:29 GMT -5
I'm quoting you in case Lena DOES have you on ignore. LOL!!! Yes, she could read this unless she has you on ignore too. Oops - forgot my comment that I'm sure you all wanted to read. I agree with all of you that stated that as long as it's not a safety issue in some way that Grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids now and then. But I find it sad that some disregard a parent's wishes when it's health or safety related. I think many are trying to be the favorite grandparent when they get carried away so the grandkids like them best. I kind of find that sad too. At that age you should be less insecure about such things especially at the risk of making your grandkids ill in the process. The thing is that even something like safety is not always black and white. When my oldest turned 4, my IL's gave him a bag full of little soldiers. It was a bag the size of large grocery bag and those soldiers were the size of my finger. At that time DS2 was 2 and DS3 was 1yrs old. I pointed out to my FIL that I can't have that in the house right now, my two youngest were still putting everything in their mouth and there was no way for me to keep it away from them. He gave me such an argument, yelling and telling me that my ideas are all crazy and I don't know what I am talking about and boys should play with things like that.....
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 8, 2015 22:41:56 GMT -5
LOL!!! Yes, she could read this unless she has you on ignore too. Oops - forgot my comment that I'm sure you all wanted to read. I agree with all of you that stated that as long as it's not a safety issue in some way that Grandparents should be allowed to spoil their grandkids now and then. But I find it sad that some disregard a parent's wishes when it's health or safety related. I think many are trying to be the favorite grandparent when they get carried away so the grandkids like them best. I kind of find that sad too. At that age you should be less insecure about such things especially at the risk of making your grandkids ill in the process. The thing is that even something like safety is not always black and white. When my oldest turned 4, my IL's gave him a bag full of little soldiers. It was a bag the size of large grocery bag and those soldiers were the size of my finger. At that time DS2 was 2 and DS3 was 1yrs old. I pointed out to my FIL that I can't have that in the house right now, my two youngest were still putting everything in their mouth and there was no way for me to keep it away from them. He gave me such an argument, yelling and telling me that my ideas are all crazy and I don't know what I am talking about and boys should play with things like that..... Yay! I'm not on ignore! Yeah, after I posted that I realized that there is a lot of gray area to my comment and I agree with you 100%. The allergy situation that I read just had me wanting to rip their throats out for her. And your situation... I can't even imagine how high your blood pressure is during such times especially the FIL situation. Holy Crap!! I think you should take's Thyme's advice on page 1: LMAO!!!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 22:57:46 GMT -5
I just hate that the situation the way it is. I never in a million years thought I would be here. Family is so hugely important to me. I had my grandparents growing up and it was great and I wanted the same for my kids.
My crappy relationship with my IL's completely screwed my sense of what is OK and what's not....
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 8, 2015 23:09:47 GMT -5
I just hate that the situation the way it is. I never in a million years thought I would be here. Family is so hugely important to me. I had my grandparents growing up and it was great and I wanted the same for my kids. My crappy relationship with my IL's completely screwed my sense of what is OK and what's not.... I admit to only reading some of your trials and tribulations but do all of your boys hate them or just the one that overhead what he said to you that horrible time? I'm hoping they have the sense to treat them better than they treat you (although that is inexcusable) and they are having a decent relationship/experiences with them that you wanted for them. But it's such a shame they can't be adults and let the experience be good for all of you where you could interact more for the boys sakes. It just doesn't make any sense because they lose too by their behavior because they can't be around more often due to the way they act.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 8, 2015 23:13:45 GMT -5
Lena, I'm just glad to hear that your husband is getting better at standing up to them. That makes me so happy for you.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 23:18:30 GMT -5
I just hate that the situation the way it is. I never in a million years thought I would be here. Family is so hugely important to me. I had my grandparents growing up and it was great and I wanted the same for my kids. My crappy relationship with my IL's completely screwed my sense of what is OK and what's not.... I admit to only reading some of your trials and tribulations but do all of your boys hate them or just the one that overhead what he said to you that horrible time? I'm hoping they have the sense to treat them better than they treat you (although that is inexcusable) and they are having a decent relationship/experiences with them that you wanted for them. But it's such a shame they can't be adults and let the experience be good for all of you where you could interact more for the boys sakes. It just doesn't make any sense because they lose too by their behavior because they can't be around more often due to the way they act. My kids don't hate them at all, they have pretty good relationship, actually. I stay out of the whole thing as much as I can and stopped going to IL's house after the whole "soldiers' incident 3 yrs ago. The whole thing with my IL's is very much old news, I let go off a LOT of anger over the years. One of the posters gave me some very good advise and I still re-read it years later.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 23:22:06 GMT -5
Lena, I'm just glad to hear that your husband is getting better at standing up to them. That makes me so happy for you. Thank you. It's been very hard on him, but I couldn't be the only one making sacrifices. The whole thing has been a colossal mess from day 1 and I don't wish it on anyone. But we are muddling through it.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jul 8, 2015 23:44:57 GMT -5
Soooo . Once kids go on playdates, they come home with their "in Johnny's house..." and by getting your kids used to "my house-my rules, their house-their rules" early on, it makes life so much easier. But knowing other people have different rules doesn't excuse our children from following our rules, even when we parents are not present. [b No, no one is excusing kids who don't follow their parents rules when not in their parents' presence. But, they need practice to develop that skill. Sounds like your in-laws are the perfect foil for that task. ;-)
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 9, 2015 0:12:57 GMT -5
I don't know what they were arguing about and my MIL must have lost it and hit my wife. When my wife came to the room crying I basically lost it and I told her mom right there and then:you ever raise your hands to my wife again and you will never step foot in my house. Her response: I am her mother. Mine: and I am her husband and I don't give a fuck. As far as I know that was the last of it and never happened again. She complained to my mom about it and my mom had the nerve to try to lecture me about it and as far as to go: so you don't think I can slap you or beat/discipline you as your mother? I said: why don't you try me because I can promise you you will not like the consequences. My mom called me the Devil... Oh well. The Haitian idea that kids are forever kids and should bend over backwards to please their parents no matter the age doesn't fly well with me. Awww- hell no. She needs to be shown the door. Now. This is very YM, but I do not see this working for Carl's wife (and MIL.) Culture stuff runs deep. Carl's wife apparently cried when this happened. What she did not do, is tell her Mom 'How dare you assault me, next time I am calling the police and filing domestic violence/assault charges.'
MIL is not really a guest. Guests do not do the majority of the cooking & cleaning for the household. Its time to get Carl's wife and Carl on a page they can agree with. I do agree with many posters in that it should involve scenarios where MIL has crossed a line and will be moving out.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 9, 2015 8:32:05 GMT -5
I just hate that the situation the way it is. I never in a million years thought I would be here. Family is so hugely important to me. I had my grandparents growing up and it was great and I wanted the same for my kids. My crappy relationship with my IL's completely screwed my sense of what is OK and what's not.... You have to pick your battles carefully. If the visits are 6 or 8 weekends a year - 72 hours of solid sugar and terrible television will not permanently damage any of them. You will have to be a little extra-firm with the kids once they get home. And, as they get older, you can use it as an opportunity to talk to them about choices.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 9, 2015 8:47:24 GMT -5
My parents and inlaws don't have close relationships with any of their grandchildren. They each might get time with them alone for a few hours once or twice a year. They are all great people, just too busy to hang out with their grandchildren. I am jealous of anyone who gets to drop the kids off at grandparents for a weekend. I can't even imagine!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 9, 2015 8:53:20 GMT -5
My crappy relationship with my IL's completely screwed my sense of what is OK and what's not.... For me, when I'm in that situation. I trust my gut. My gut knows what's best. It's never been wrong. And in fact, when I don't trust my gut (or the niggling voice), that's when I get hurt, run into issues, etc. Sometimes, the best thing we can do in these situations is learn to trust ourselves. Kind of OT, but I grew up in an environment where my parents basically told me I couldn't possibly know what was best for me. Only my parents knew what was best for me, even into my adult years. We chose not to raise our kids like that. It has been so moving to watch DS learn that he can make decisions for himself, based on what he thinks is best for himself. And, as it turns out, he makes good ones. And I couldn't be prouder.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 9, 2015 9:15:35 GMT -5
I didn't grow up Haitian and I did spank my kids when necessary but I have never ever slapped them in their face. Ever!! Shame on that woman and shame on the both of you for allowing it. She should have been kicked right out then and there. She should count herself lucky she wasn't arrested. Your wife is a grown ass adult and put up with her mother hitting her? OUT and OUT now. That woman has burned her last bridge. I get furious just writing this. If you'd hit your wife, is it okay because your culture condones it? Bullshit. It's wrong and culture is no excuse. This is the woman who thinks she's better than most people and raised her daughter to think the same way? Trash slaps people in the face, not class.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jul 9, 2015 9:16:24 GMT -5
I wasn’t particularly close with my grandparents, but I didn’t really have any issues with that. My parents (and my sisters) all have a totally different attitude. They constantly buy stuff for my kids and, if they are watching the kids, they give them a bunch of crap to eat. If they don’t see them much, I totally get it. If they are seeing them regularly, then it does piss me off because it kind of takes away the ability for US to spoil them. If they just had pizza and ice cream yesterday, you can’t really give it to them again today. I am constantly pushing back on my family when it comes to things. I’d prefer a situation where I invite them to events and they come. They prefer a situation where they have open access to the calendar of events (not really, but kind of) and they pick/choose what they want to come to. I made the mistake of inviting my sister to a soccer game one year, then she came to every single one. She found out the date of my son’s kids b-day party, then she made the assumption that the whole family (parents, siblings, significant others) would be invited. When I told her that wasn’t the case, she got really upset about it. My in-laws are not like that at all. They spoil, but it’s pretty minimal overall. If we were to take the kids to Disney and bring my parents, they’d want to ride the roller coasters with the kids as much as me and my wife. If I took my in-laws, they would be ok with being there for support (staying with the younger ones while we both went on a roller coaster with the older one). My parents would drive you nuts. They attend as many grandkid sporting things as they can. They even came to most of my DD's 1st grade soccer games this spring and they're 73 and 77 years old! But 8-10 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for them to be gone for hours on the weekends because they'd go from soccer to v-ball to lacrosse to basketball. And they'd stay at tourneys for a huge chunk of the day too. I'm grateful they've seen my daughter play. And they've come to a couple of my son's practices because we all know they might not be able to get to see him in games. I don't care if my siblings or their kids show up at games. But I remember your post and there is NO expectation that we entertain anyone afterwards. I made sure my ILs knew dates and times for soccer games too but they didn't come to any of the games. They only have 1 other grandchild and she wasn't involved with many activities so I didn't have a baseline. My 2 sisters are probably more of a problem than my parents. My mom isn’t direct with me, but I’m sure she works behind the scenes a little bit. The root cause of my frustration with my family is more about my kids being the center of attention for their lives. One of my sisters is 28 and lives at home and the other is 38 and has her own place. They both don’t put a ton of effort into relationships because they have very anxious personalities. They are at the point in their lives where their friends are either married and have kids (or will have kids), so they have more “free time”. The result of all this is that they want to be extra involved in my kids’ lives and I just want to say “HEY, GO GET A LIFE!”. If I give you the kids’ schedule, I don’t want you to plan around the schedule. I want you to do your own thing and then see which games fit into your schedule. Don’t have anything going on? Then go out and get involved with some stuff to make sure you have some stuff going on! I feel like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting where he tells Will that he wants to walk up to his house in Southie and realize that Will just up and left. One of these days, I want to tell my sisters of some kind of event that my kids are in and have them say “Hey, can’t make it. I’m busy”
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 9, 2015 9:26:28 GMT -5
My Aunts were 14, 16, and 18 when I was born so still lived at home. My Grandparents were like a second set of parents for me. I'm sorry my kids never got to experience that. That's one of the good things about having kids young. I have a 4 generation picture with my family. I treasure it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 9, 2015 9:26:49 GMT -5
Our parents did a good enough job with us we figure they can do fine with the grandkids. They spoil too much and don't do everything we like but that's life. hmmm.....what if I don't think my IL's did a good job with their children...... I think that's the difference Lena. You have toxic ILs. They may be better but I'm not dealing with toxic ILs. On the whole, mine are decent people with a similar family and belief structure to my own family. And they did do a good job raising DH (his brother, maybe not so much) The worst things I can say about my MIL are that she caters to my FIL (I've never seen the man fill or clear a plate); she used to have a tendency to follow fad diets and she likes to buy my kids toys that I find obnoxious. The toy thing might be slightly malicious but she also loves my kids and wants the best for them. I don't have a sense of that from your ILs.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 9, 2015 9:35:10 GMT -5
My parents would drive you nuts. They attend as many grandkid sporting things as they can. They even came to most of my DD's 1st grade soccer games this spring and they're 73 and 77 years old! But 8-10 years ago, it wasn't uncommon for them to be gone for hours on the weekends because they'd go from soccer to v-ball to lacrosse to basketball. And they'd stay at tourneys for a huge chunk of the day too. I'm grateful they've seen my daughter play. And they've come to a couple of my son's practices because we all know they might not be able to get to see him in games. I don't care if my siblings or their kids show up at games. But I remember your post and there is NO expectation that we entertain anyone afterwards. I made sure my ILs knew dates and times for soccer games too but they didn't come to any of the games. They only have 1 other grandchild and she wasn't involved with many activities so I didn't have a baseline. My 2 sisters are probably more of a problem than my parents. My mom isn’t direct with me, but I’m sure she works behind the scenes a little bit. The root cause of my frustration with my family is more about my kids being the center of attention for their lives. One of my sisters is 28 and lives at home and the other is 38 and has her own place. They both don’t put a ton of effort into relationships because they have very anxious personalities. They are at the point in their lives where their friends are either married and have kids (or will have kids), so they have more “free time”. The result of all this is that they want to be extra involved in my kids’ lives and I just want to say “HEY, GO GET A LIFE!”. If I give you the kids’ schedule, I don’t want you to plan around the schedule. I want you to do your own thing and then see which games fit into your schedule. Don’t have anything going on? Then go out and get involved with some stuff to make sure you have some stuff going on! I feel like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting where he tells Will that he wants to walk up to his house in Southie and realize that Will just up and left. One of these days, I want to tell my sisters of some kind of event that my kids are in and have them say “Hey, can’t make it. I’m busy” In my early 20s I used to show up for the 7am basketball games. Sometimes hungover as all hell. Clearly, I had a life but I wanted to show support for the kids. Because 7am games suck for everyone.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 9, 2015 9:50:50 GMT -5
My inlaws have no relationship with her other sons grandkids or great granddaughter, they just didn't want the grandkids around. They babysat for them awhile when little but stopped and never did it again. My daughter is nice to her grandmother she doesn't know when I would call to see if she could come they would say no. Our son visits them when home and he is nice, not sure how he feels. But its not the relationship he had with my folks.
My MIL wanted to avoid being the "distant" grandparents when we first had the kids. Her fear is/was that the kids wouldn't have a close relationship with her and FIL because in her life - kids (her, her sisters and then her sons) had a great relationship with 1 set of grandparents and a not so good one with the other set. I get it. And she's eased up a LOT because it's very clear that she is/has an important relationship with the kids. I also had a distant relationship with my Dad's parents (his dad and stepmom.) They lived 5+ hours away and they would make quiet trips to town to visit stepmom's family and not try to contact Dad at all. We found out when Dad ran into them in a grocery store or something. He was hurt. And I think still is. It's a loss for most when grandparents don't want a relationship with their grandkids.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jul 9, 2015 11:01:52 GMT -5
He wasn't damaged, just needed some adjustments. And I am a great teacher Parents couldn't have that bad with just adjustments. Actually they can be. I've said many times on here that when my mom married my father, she got the pick of the litter. My Dad was the youngest of 13. Of the 13, only three amounted to anything. You name the family nastiness (and I only know a little of it from his sister because my Dad simply won't discuss it) and it existed there. My grandparents did a piss poor job raising their kids and it's no wonder Dad left home at 17. Not my dirty laundry to air, but how the hell my Dad turned into the man he did is beyond me. It had NOTHING to do with his parents.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 9, 2015 11:37:38 GMT -5
Parents couldn't have that bad with just adjustments. Actually they can be. I've said many times on here that when my mom married my father, she got the pick of the litter. My Dad was the youngest of 13. Of the 13, only three amounted to anything. You name the family nastiness (and I only know a little of it from his sister because my Dad simply won't discuss it) and it existed there. My grandparents did a piss poor job raising their kids and it's no wonder Dad left home at 17. Not my dirty laundry to air, but how the hell my Dad turned into the man he did is beyond me. It had NOTHING to do with his parents. . Or maybe they made him the man he is
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