whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 8:43:57 GMT -5
Susana's thread brought up a point that I've been debating/struggling with ever since I had kids. Grandparents and their rights (for the lack of a better word).
When I was growing up one of my grandmas lived with us. She did a lot for me and raised me in many ways. Both of my parents worked. She also did some things that I knew that my mom didn't approve of - like she always had chocolate candy for me and would let me have it as much as I wanted.
Now, that I have kids, I am on a flip side of things. My IL's COMPLETELY ignore any and all requests that I've made. While I backed off on many of them, the last straw was two years ago when I nicely asked my MIL not to feed chocolate to my then 2 yr old and she told me that it is her prerogative as a grandparent to do what she wants.
I don't know if it's my "love" for my IL's that is coloring my vision of how the relationship should work between parents/grandparents/children but it's been very frustrating.
What are your thoughts, experiences?
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grumpyhermit
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Post by grumpyhermit on Jul 8, 2015 8:50:59 GMT -5
I am neither a parent, or a grandparent, but my brother and his wife had their first kid a few years ago, and I have witnessed the frustration from both sides.
I think grandparents do develop an "I'll do what I want" attitude. From what I have observed with my mother at least, it seems to stem from this odd belief that any instruction they give her on how to take care of the kid, is somehow a slight on her parenting. She will often gripe to me about "well I did raise two kids..."
It is not of course a slight, it is simply that they know what works best for THEIR kid, and sticking as closely to his routine as possible is the best solution.
It doesn't help that my SIL has a very close relationship with her mom, who actually babysits a few days a week. So there is probably also some jealousy issues at play with my mother which makes it all worse.
I honestly find the whole thing tiresome and ridiculous. It's their kid... do what they want! I mostly just try to stay out of it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 8, 2015 9:00:53 GMT -5
whoisjohngalt - I can't really help you answer the question. Theoretically, I am on your side - but I haven't heard what your requests were, and I might 'pish-posh' some of them. That said - I can tell you it gets easier as the kids get older. Especially if the time they have with the GPs is limited. I know if they make a bunch of bad choices for a weekend or even a week - they won't be damaged forever. When they get to that 8 YO range - it is actually good for them to be put in situations where you know they are with someone who cares about them, but will give them the option to make bad choices. You can use it as a way to discuss with them how they are responsible for themselves. So, if you can hang on for a few years, it will all be okay. Now, if she is driving around with them not in car seats, or talking about suing for custody, then go ahead and cut that bitch.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 8, 2015 9:09:55 GMT -5
I am neither a parent, or a grandparent, but my brother and his wife had their first kid a few years ago, and I have witnessed the frustration from both sides. I think grandparents do develop an "I'll do what I want" attitude. From what I have observed with my mother at least, it seems to stem from this odd belief that any instruction they give her on how to take care of the kid, is somehow a slight on her parenting. She will often gripe to me about "well I did raise two kids..." It is not of course a slight, it is simply that they know what works best for THEIR kid, and sticking as closely to his routine as possible is the best solution. It doesn't help that my SIL has a very close relationship with her mom, who actually babysits a few days a week. So there is probably also some jealousy issues at play with my mother which makes it all worse. I honestly find the whole thing tiresome and ridiculous. It's their kid... do what they want! I mostly just try to stay out of it. You are very wise!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 9:12:12 GMT -5
Growing up my Grandparents house was pretty much no rules as far as some things went...like there was a freezer on the porch filled with different ice cream treats that we could have as much of as we wanted, we had no set bedtimes and could stay up late and watch Johnny Carson with her if we wanted and could come and go to the community pool by her house as we pleased. Some of my best memories from my childhood were hanging out there with my cousins. I don't think my parents are quite as loose with my kids as my grandparents were with me (probably because I had over 50 first cousins ), but my kids still get a lot of things with them that they don't get at home. When they go visit my Dad for a week in the summer they come home with bags of things he bought them and when with my Mom she takes them on a lot of day trips and buys them whatever they want to eat. They have a TV in their bedroom there and I'm sure they sit up late watching shows. They never come home acting spoiled or pestering me to do the same, so I don't really care.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 8, 2015 9:12:16 GMT -5
I expect a certain amount of spoiling from both sets of grandparents. This includes watching TV that I don't particularly approve of or think is age appropriate (my husband doesn't have an issue with it); snacks and food when the kids are there (I ask them to try no snacks from about 30-60 minutes before pickup so they eat their dinner) and toys that I hate due to sounds made, batteries required, etc. The toys I just suffer though, for the most part.
I think, for us, both sets of grandparents are basically reverting to their own standards for raising kids, which doesn't include unlimited candy and does include the word "No."
My MIL has admitted to jealousy of my Mom in the past. I think she's mostly over it now but I do try to keep that in mind as I plan stuff or when I think I'm going to need help with kid pickup and/or dropoff. But both sets of parents live within 5 minutes of our house and the school is 5-7 minutes from all of us.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 9:13:04 GMT -5
It's all about food and TV watching. They allow it as much as the kids want. They bring TONS of cookies and crackers and candy. Last month my kids came home from visiting them with 19 pez dispensers each. There are hours and hours of cartoon and general TV watching.
things like that
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 8, 2015 9:17:08 GMT -5
Can you mention their recent cavities and how the dentist said for them to limit sweets?
I really find the jealousy issues the most annoying. It makes me feel like I can't have any evidence around which would suggest a gathering and I don't like feeling that my kids are pumped for information. I guess I shouldn't worry too much about others insecurities but the possible effect on my kids is what gets me.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 8, 2015 9:18:53 GMT -5
It's all about food and TV watching. They allow it as much as the kids want. They bring TONS of cookies and crackers and candy. Last month my kids came home from visiting them with 19 pez dispensers each. There are hours and hours of cartoon and general TV watching. things like that I'd actually let that go. It doesn't sound as if they are in their grandparents house on a weekly basis so no long-term damage done. That being said, I understand how frustrated you must be as your in-laws sound pretty awful.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jul 8, 2015 9:19:21 GMT -5
I'm an auntie - not a grandmother - but I do keep my niece and nephew. I'm actually more strict that either of their parents, but if the parents have a request, I do try to follow it. It isn't my kid and I don't have a right to interfere with the way they've chosen to parent. They have to pick up after themselves at my house, which they do not have to do at home, so I guess there are some changes. However, if their parents say no candy, I don't give them candy. If their normal bedtime is 9:00, they go to bed at 9:00. I guess I feel it's just good for them to stay on their schedules. In actuality neither set is that strict and are usually quite glad to get a break so they don't inundate me with "dos" and "donts". I'm not sure what I'd do if they laid a bunch of requirements on me that I thought were dumb.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 8, 2015 9:19:36 GMT -5
Lena, your in-laws already raised their kids. They are not raising yours; you are. They cannot and should not be ignoring your wishes. I am neither a parent nor a grandparent, but my mother (and her mother, and my paternal grandmother) always had the good sense to know when to spoil within sensible bounds and when it was time to butt out and let the parents do their job.
They always checked to make sure it was OK before giving the kids anything to eat or play with that their parents might object to. And you know what? The relationships were wonderful. My Mom and grammas are gone now (my SILs have their mothers, but their dads are also gone). There was fun and respect, because the elders had already been there, done that and while they earned some "rights" (if you want to use that word) to spoiling the grandkids, they also knew from experience that the parents were raised right and needed to do their jobs, too.
From what I recall of your family dynamic (and I could be mistaken), your husband does not back you on standing up to your in-laws. Honestly, if I had to face that kind of thing, I'd be long gone. When your husband married you, no one expected him to forsake his folks. But you two are supposed to be a parental unit. His parents don't get to dictate what happens in your family.
Somebody needs to grow some body parts here - balls, a backbone and a thick skin that's able to bounce the insults right back at them. If these people are putting you down, and putting down your parenting skills, at what point do you decide you deserve better?
I don't mean this as harsh, because I happen to like you. And I think you deserve to be treated better as a wife and mother and person.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 9:33:08 GMT -5
Lena, your in-laws already raised their kids. They are not raising yours; you are. They cannot and should not be ignoring your wishes. I am neither a parent nor a grandparent, but my mother (and her mother, and my paternal grandmother) always had the good sense to know when to spoil within sensible bounds and when it was time to butt out and let the parents do their job. They always checked to make sure it was OK before giving the kids anything to eat or play with that their parents might object to. And you know what? The relationships were wonderful. My Mom and grammas are gone now (my SILs have their mothers, but their dads are also gone). There was fun and respect, because the elders had already been there, done that and while they earned some "rights" (if you want to use that word) to spoiling the grandkids, they also knew from experience that the parents were raised right and needed to do their jobs, too. From what I recall of your family dynamic (and I could be mistaken), your husband does not back you on standing up to your in-laws. Honestly, if I had to face that kind of thing, I'd be long gone. When your husband married you, no one expected him to forsake his folks. But you two are supposed to be a parental unit. His parents don't get to dictate what happens in your family. Somebody needs to grow some body parts here - balls, a backbone and a thick skin that's able to bounce the insults right back at them. If these people are putting you down, and putting down your parenting skills, at what point do you decide you deserve better? I don't mean this as harsh, because I happen to like you. And I think you deserve to be treated better as a wife and mother and person. He has gotten SOOO MUCH BETTER! Unfortunately, 1 - the precident has been set and 2 - they are the kind of people that have always lived their life "we are going to do whatever we want"
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 8, 2015 9:34:13 GMT -5
My ILs do lots of TV watching. My MIL will record stuff so the kids can watch it when they're there. Mine are 5.5 and 7 and if they want to play outside, they'll ask. Or in the case of my DS just go outside and start playing. So while I'm not thrilled with the amount of TV I think the kids get over there, it's not a hill I'm prepared to die on. And DH will NOT back me on this for the most part. I have requested that they stop watching Scooby Doo because DD has nightmares after seeing it. I think they have - at least I'm not seeing it on TV when I pick up the kids anymore and DD's not having anywhere near as many nightmares so I'm counting it as a win.
As for food, my parents probably offer the kids more snacks but they tend to be cut up fruit or veggies or a couple of cookies. My Mom always has cookies, often homemade. 3 is usually her limit. My ILs tend to be more willing to buy a big bag of Doritos or Cheetos for the kids when they take them shopping. I don't like that because the kids will whine about gettng one when we take them shopping. On the whole, I guess I"m ok with the amount and type of food my kids are getting from their grandparents. I am worried about my MIL's attitude and verbal expressions about food and I try to counter some of it at home. I don't want my kids have food and body issues. I know it's coming but the longer I/we can hold off on that, the happier I am.
My kids don't like soda so they get juice boxes, milk or water. That's not a battle I have to have. And since soda is one of MY triggers for overindulging on, I'm grateful.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 8, 2015 9:39:29 GMT -5
Lena, your in-laws already raised their kids. They are not raising yours; you are. They cannot and should not be ignoring your wishes. I am neither a parent nor a grandparent, but my mother (and her mother, and my paternal grandmother) always had the good sense to know when to spoil within sensible bounds and when it was time to butt out and let the parents do their job. They always checked to make sure it was OK before giving the kids anything to eat or play with that their parents might object to. And you know what? The relationships were wonderful. My Mom and grammas are gone now (my SILs have their mothers, but their dads are also gone). There was fun and respect, because the elders had already been there, done that and while they earned some "rights" (if you want to use that word) to spoiling the grandkids, they also knew from experience that the parents were raised right and needed to do their jobs, too. From what I recall of your family dynamic (and I could be mistaken), your husband does not back you on standing up to your in-laws. Honestly, if I had to face that kind of thing, I'd be long gone. When your husband married you, no one expected him to forsake his folks. But you two are supposed to be a parental unit. His parents don't get to dictate what happens in your family. Somebody needs to grow some body parts here - balls, a backbone and a thick skin that's able to bounce the insults right back at them. If these people are putting you down, and putting down your parenting skills, at what point do you decide you deserve better? I don't mean this as harsh, because I happen to like you. And I think you deserve to be treated better as a wife and mother and person. He has gotten SOOO MUCH BETTER! Unfortunately, 1 - the precident has been set and 2 - they are the kind of people that have always lived their life "we are going to do whatever we want" Can you toss it back to them that if they're going to do whatever they want, then you're going to follow in their footsteps and do what YOU want. And if that means taking the kids and going to a hotel or shipping all the damn Pez dispensers back to their house as soon as the kids get home, so be it? Or sending them the dentist bill for the cavities...
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 8, 2015 9:40:47 GMT -5
Lena, your in-laws already raised their kids. They are not raising yours; you are. They cannot and should not be ignoring your wishes. I am neither a parent nor a grandparent, but my mother (and her mother, and my paternal grandmother) always had the good sense to know when to spoil within sensible bounds and when it was time to butt out and let the parents do their job. They always checked to make sure it was OK before giving the kids anything to eat or play with that their parents might object to. And you know what? The relationships were wonderful. My Mom and grammas are gone now (my SILs have their mothers, but their dads are also gone). There was fun and respect, because the elders had already been there, done that and while they earned some "rights" (if you want to use that word) to spoiling the grandkids, they also knew from experience that the parents were raised right and needed to do their jobs, too. From what I recall of your family dynamic (and I could be mistaken), your husband does not back you on standing up to your in-laws. Honestly, if I had to face that kind of thing, I'd be long gone. When your husband married you, no one expected him to forsake his folks. But you two are supposed to be a parental unit. His parents don't get to dictate what happens in your family. Somebody needs to grow some body parts here - balls, a backbone and a thick skin that's able to bounce the insults right back at them. If these people are putting you down, and putting down your parenting skills, at what point do you decide you deserve better? I don't mean this as harsh, because I happen to like you. And I think you deserve to be treated better as a wife and mother and person. He has gotten SOOO MUCH BETTER! Unfortunately, 1 - the precident has been set and 2 - they are the kind of people that have always lived their life "we are going to do whatever we want" Thanks for the update. I did not know things had improved. He needs to have your back, and you his. And it's fine that they do whatever they want. As long as they are talking about their own lives. Not yours. It's your kids, your rules. I realize that because the habits are already there, this is really hard. But to me (and this is strictly my opinion), what they do throws a lot of disrespect and disdain at you. It's as if you don't count for much and cannot do your job as a parent. And that's not the case. They're not doing what they do because they love your kids. It sounds more like they do what they do because they want to get back at you for...whatever. They sound like mean, vindictive people to me, out to prove a nasty point just because they can.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Jul 8, 2015 9:53:43 GMT -5
I think that grandparents should spoil their grandkids to some extent. My parents lived 9 hours away when my kids were growing up. They would usually go visit their grandparents for spring break and a week or 2 in the summer. They did things I would not do with them. They have a great relationship with my parents.
My ILs are the total opposite to the extreme. First of they have very little money and so were limited I what they could do but they also stayed very distant from my kids. One time my MIL actually told us she didn't want the kids to get too attached since we live SOOO far away. 3 hours. WTF.
My kids will visit with MIL (FIL died a couple years ago). But it is out of obligation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 10:08:36 GMT -5
This is just grandparents visiting time, correct? Not daily babysitting.
Let them know that they comply with the no/limited sugar/candy rules or the kids visiting will be limited/shut off. Then cut the visits to 2-3 hour sessions to limit damage. If you are using the GPs for date night or weekends off from your kids, instead of getting a babysitter, then you need to decide if trade off is worth it.
Personally, with what you wrote previously about FIL saying to you in front of kids; my kids would never be going to those people's home again. Personally regarding MY kids, its my way or the highway. I am the parent, and my rules are what must be followed.
Now I am a grandparent. I try to follow all mom's rules, they are her kids so her way needs to be followed. The kids get more Screen Time at my house with the computers & all. On that topic, I do not have the energy of younger parent, so if you want to dictate that I have to be chasing them around a park/playground for 4 hours, I can't do that and will tell you to watch your own damn kids. Food/Candy constraints I will totally follow. A little harder for me because I am lousy cook and DD is very good cook. She knows we will go out to eat when kids are with me since I don't enjoy cooking (and have very limited repertoire).
How does this work? Paternal grandma would not comply with the mom's dietary requests for kids + lied about it. But since it was allergy, it was obvious the requirements were being broken. She was spoken to about it, continued to ignore request and lie about it; and then started harassing DD on her parenting being deficient. It has now been 2 years since she has seen children.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 8, 2015 10:12:40 GMT -5
It has now been 2 years since she has seen children. That's very sad. I don't understand why some grands seem to get "crazy". Were they always crazy?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 8, 2015 10:12:50 GMT -5
The grands spoil our kids. The kids get their time, treats, late bedtimes, and the kids' financial futures will be much easier.
However, I am also lucky. They don't really take the attitude of I'll do whatever, whenever. They even ask if it's OK if they give the kids a juice box when we get together for brunch. It's rare that I say no them.
I do occasionally say something with deserts. But, it's more like "Oh, when you scoop ice cream for #3, please do half of what you did for the big kids." Then they are all like "Yup, looks like we got carried away."
They also don't offer "free advice" when we parent or challenge our decisions. I have no clue whether nor not they "approve" of our decisions, actually. Based on their behavior, I think they do. They acknowledge that parenting has changed in the past 30-40-60 years and don't respond to us by saying "Well, that's nonsense. We all survived and thrived without ABC..."
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 8, 2015 10:14:10 GMT -5
@rockit, it'd be a cold day in hell before grandma got access to my kid if she ignored an allergy. AND harassed me about it and my parenting. My DH would also be in a world of hurt if he tried to defend her/talk me out of it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 10:18:00 GMT -5
He has gotten SOOO MUCH BETTER! Unfortunately, 1 - the precident has been set and 2 - they are the kind of people that have always lived their life "we are going to do whatever we want" Thanks for the update. I did not know things had improved. He needs to have your back, and you his. And it's fine that they do whatever they want. As long as they are talking about their own lives. Not yours. It's your kids, your rules. I realize that because the habits are already there, this is really hard. But to me (and this is strictly my opinion), what they do throws a lot of disrespect and disdain at you. It's as if you don't count for much and cannot do your job as a parent. And that's not the case. They're not doing what they do because they love your kids. It sounds more like they do what they do because they want to get back at you for...whatever. They sound like mean, vindictive people to me, out to prove a nasty point just because they can. oh Nancy, that ship has sailed. Actually, that ship has never left the port - they never had any kind of respect for me or my opinion or my ideas. It bothered me at first, mostly bc I couldn't understand "why", but I have very much stopped giving a shit a long time ago At this point, I am just trying to make life easier for myself and my husband. Susana's thread just kind of brought some feelings back when it comes to IL's and kids, so I was curious as to how people handle it, think about it.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 8, 2015 10:27:57 GMT -5
As far as the actual subject goes, I have not yet found a way to keep my Mom or her aunt from feeding the kids all kinds of crap. Mom would give me grief about buying cereal but take them to Wendy's after school for nuggets. Aunt cooks all kinds of sweets and fatty foods. My kids spent lots of time with both (they live next door to each other) when they were smaller. It was either deprive the kids of the relationship or try to compensate with healthier food at home. Best part? Mom expressed concern over DD's weight but kept doing the same crap. I waited it out and now they're old enough to stay home alone so not nearly as much chance to be feed crappy food. I also didn't have the attitude issues with my family that you do with the in laws.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 10:41:17 GMT -5
I respect my ds/dil's wishes, period. They are my gk's parents and therefore, numero uno...but they don't get upset at anything I give/do etc. with my gk's, because I don't go overboard with treats, sugary stuff, toys, clothes, trips, etc. If they don't eat their dinner, for example, no dessert. (My gs is a picky eater..but that ice cream cone dessert, or a cookie or two, is incentive enough now to get him to eat his veggies after testing me and seeing his sister get hers because she ate all her dinner, while he refused a few times...gs is 7 and gd is 9.) I offer them juice, water (gd loves h20) and milk, sometimes chocolate milk when they're with me...no soda, but occasionally I'll let them have a juice/fruit freezer pops, which are sugar I know....but one of those is only like a gulp or two worth of what a full can of soda would be. I do have a few chocolates in my purse and the gk's know this about 'grama' so they inevitably ask me if they can have one when I go visit them, or they're here w/me...and they get 1 or 2 pieces each.. .......19 pez dispensers Seriously?? That's either idiocy or outright disrespectfulness, or both. Until they learn to respect you as their parent, I'd stop allowing them access. I'd give them the opportunity to learn, and abide by, what is and what is not acceptable to you. If they disobey your authority...well, tough cookies for them. What kind of GP feeds 19 multi-packs of sugar to gk's that they love and care about anyway? Sheesh...I'm sorry....and po'd...I'd love to meet her and give her a piece of my mind... Someone posted to send her the kids' DDS bills, I agree! You are the Mother to your kids and your rules...DEFEND your PARENTAL ROLE.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 10:45:30 GMT -5
Lena, I'm sorry if you misunderstood my thread. I pretty much follow my kids' rules for their children. If anything, my house rules are a little stricter since you have to clean up one set of toys before getting out another and that sort of thing.
What my daughter-in-law did was to give me an assignment. I would arrange to pick-up this grandson, bring him to my house for tutoring, and take him home again.
It really has more to do with how I choose to spend my time. If my DIL had said, "I want you to spend some time with him helping him appreciate poetry," then the situation would be different. I would have designed some fun activities that I would enjoy doing with him.
My DIL is laid-back in her rules for the kids but very controlling around me. My whole family is. It is a learned behavior from my ex who wouldn't even call me by my name but rather the form of the name he thought I should use.
DH has helped me learn that I don't have to do what I'm told all the time.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 8, 2015 10:46:41 GMT -5
As far as the actual subject goes, I have not yet found a way to keep my Mom or her aunt from feeding the kids all kinds of crap. Mom would give me grief about buying cereal but take them to Wendy's after school for nuggets. Aunt cooks all kinds of sweets and fatty foods. My kids spent lots of time with both (they live next door to each other) when they were smaller. It was either deprive the kids of the relationship or try to compensate with healthier food at home. Best part? Mom expressed concern over DD's weight but kept doing the same crap. I waited it out and now they're old enough to stay home alone so not nearly as much chance to be feed crappy food. I also didn't have the attitude issues with my family that you do with the in laws. Your mother is my MIL.
My MIL spends lots of time with my kids. I think she feeds them crap and watches too much TV. DH does talk to her about it. She's gotten better, but there is room for improvement.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 22:24:37 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 11:03:14 GMT -5
@tbird, I don't negotiate with my DIL. I don't negotiate with my daughter either. It just doesn't work because of our personalities. I just smile and say, "No, thanks" when I disagree. If you don't give an opening, you don't get bullied into doing things their way.
I sound like I don't love them, and I do.
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whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 11:04:27 GMT -5
Lena, I'm sorry if you misunderstood my thread. I pretty much follow my kids' rules for their children. If anything, my house rules are a little stricter since you have to clean up one set of toys before getting out another and that sort of thing.
What my daughter-in-law did was to give me an assignment. I would arrange to pick-up this grandson, bring him to my house for tutoring, and take him home again.
It really has more to do with how I choose to spend my time. If my DIL had said, "I want you to spend some time with him helping him appreciate poetry," then the situation would be different. I would have designed some fun activities that I would enjoy doing with him.
My DIL is laid-back in her rules for the kids but very controlling around me. My whole family is. It is a learned behavior from my ex who wouldn't even call me by my name but rather the form of the name he thought I should use.
DH has helped me learn that I don't have to do what I'm told all the time. Nooooo, the ONLY reason I mentioned your thread is bc it brought back some feelings for me. I don't think you are doing ANYTHING at all like my IL's I WISH my IL's were doing half of the things you are doing for your grandkids.
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Chocolate Lover
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Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 8, 2015 11:07:08 GMT -5
As far as the actual subject goes, I have not yet found a way to keep my Mom or her aunt from feeding the kids all kinds of crap. Mom would give me grief about buying cereal but take them to Wendy's after school for nuggets. Aunt cooks all kinds of sweets and fatty foods. My kids spent lots of time with both (they live next door to each other) when they were smaller. It was either deprive the kids of the relationship or try to compensate with healthier food at home. Best part? Mom expressed concern over DD's weight but kept doing the same crap. I waited it out and now they're old enough to stay home alone so not nearly as much chance to be feed crappy food. I also didn't have the attitude issues with my family that you do with the in laws. Your mother is my MIL.
My MIL spends lots of time with my kids. I think she feeds them crap and watches too much TV. DH does talk to her about it. She's gotten better, but there is room for improvement.
So, which one of my sisters are you married to?
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 8, 2015 11:16:39 GMT -5
Such a timely discussion.... My wife and I discussed this and our fear that our current arrangement may not work once we have kids.
My MIL is having a hard enough time respecting our wishes as homeowners, we can already see the issues coming down when we are parents.
There is a lot of pent up resentment between my wife and mother so I am cheering that it boils over before we have kids and someone moves out and we go back to just getting visits once every other month:
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 8, 2015 11:19:06 GMT -5
@tbird, I don't negotiate with my DIL. I don't negotiate with my daughter either. It just doesn't work because of our personalities. I just smile and say, "No, thanks" when I disagree. If you don't give an opening, you don't get bullied into doing things their way.
I sound like I don't love them, and I do. Question and you are free To not answer if you don't want to... After reading some of your posts I just got to ask: How did your kids turn out such opposite of you? Is like you didn't even raise them or even live in the same house?
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