Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 4, 2015 23:42:36 GMT -5
MJ's thread on dating got me thinking.
How do you find the nebulous line when trying to establish a long term relationship between setting high standards without being "took picky."
I can see it from both sides.
On one hand, if you're going to find a spouse, someone (you hope) you'll spend the rest of your life with, you would want to find someone that's "perfect" for you, and set a really high standard.
On the other hand, isn't it possible to be "too picky?" For example "The man I want to meet has to be over 6 feet tall, have a respectable job making over 100k, have no kids, be a Southern Baptist, and live within 30 miles of my house." Don't you think such a person should relax their standards a little?
What do you think? How do you keep an open mind but not "sell yourself short?"
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 5, 2015 2:09:13 GMT -5
Easy! You find somebody who turns you on and then slowly beat him into something that resembles what will be "perfect" for you.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Jul 5, 2015 6:34:57 GMT -5
Yes, it's possible to be too picky.
If I was to remarry, I'd consider who was relatively healthy, earned at least $50,000 and attended church.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 5, 2015 6:48:18 GMT -5
I guess that is up for everyone to decide for themselves. But, I do people who claim they would have liked to have been married and had kids but nobody met their standard. I mean, we are all a mix of good qualities and flaws. But, if you get so specific that they have to make X amount and not one dollar less or they must be 6' tall or taller or whatever you are eliminating a big pool who could potentially be your soul mate.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 8:44:23 GMT -5
I guess that is up for everyone to decide for themselves. But, I do people who claim they would have liked to have been married and had kids but nobody met their standard. I mean, we are all a mix of good qualities and flaws. But, if you get so specific that they have to make X amount and not one dollar less or they must be 6' tall or taller or whatever you are eliminating a big pool who could potentially be your soul mate. I forget the exact statistics, but I only %5 or so of American men are 6' or taller, it's a relatively small number.
What I find interesting is many women (or at least older women) insist on home ownership. Which never made sense to me, because the decision to tie yourself down to a mortgage shouldn't reflect on you as a person.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 8:44:54 GMT -5
Easy! You find somebody who turns you on and then slowly beat him into something that resembles what will be "perfect" for you.
Man, I feel sorry for Mr. POM.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 5, 2015 9:07:33 GMT -5
The man I married is nothing like my "ideal man", the one my 21 year old self thought I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
Hes 5'6" and balding. But he's a great guy, treats me well, and is a hard worker.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 5, 2015 9:57:37 GMT -5
I guess that is up for everyone to decide for themselves. But, I do people who claim they would have liked to have been married and had kids but nobody met their standard. I mean, we are all a mix of good qualities and flaws. But, if you get so specific that they have to make X amount and not one dollar less or they must be 6' tall or taller or whatever you are eliminating a big pool who could potentially be your soul mate. I forget the exact statistics, but I only %5 or so of American men are 6' or taller, it's a relatively small number.
What I find interesting is many women (or at least older women) insist on home ownership. Which never made sense to me, because the decision to tie yourself down to a mortgage shouldn't reflect on you as a person.
It's really a euphemism for being financially stable and being able to take care of your stuff.
A 55 year old guy living in his mom's basement would be a no-go for me even if he was a gorgeous, nice guy. I'd wonder why he wasn't able to cut the apron strings.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 10:58:55 GMT -5
Easy! You find somebody who turns you on and then slowly beat him into something that resembles what will be "perfect" for you.
Man, I feel sorry for Mr. POM. Mr. POM loves when Mrs. Pom beats him!!
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moon/Laura
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Post by moon/Laura on Jul 5, 2015 11:31:00 GMT -5
yes, it's absolutely possible to be too picky. Yes, you want a man you're attracted to in all ways, but how he (or she) treats you should be at least as - if not more - important. how much money they make or whether they own a house (to me) just isn't all that relevant. yes, you want someone that works, and can manage their money, but the annual salary just shouldn't be a contributing factor. unless you're some sort of materialistic fool who thinks money is the most important thing in life..
way more important is whether you have the same core beliefs, feelings about kids/parenting, and complementary personalities. you also need interests that are both common and individual. do the common together and enjoy the individual as individuals. everyone needs time apart.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 12:10:00 GMT -5
I guess that is up for everyone to decide for themselves. But, I do people who claim they would have liked to have been married and had kids but nobody met their standard. I mean, we are all a mix of good qualities and flaws. But, if you get so specific that they have to make X amount and not one dollar less or they must be 6' tall or taller or whatever you are eliminating a big pool who could potentially be your soul mate. I forget the exact statistics, but I only %5 or so of American men are 6' or taller, it's a relatively small number.
What I find interesting is many women (or at least older women) insist on home ownership. Which never made sense to me, because the decision to tie yourself down to a mortgage shouldn't reflect on you as a person.
No mortgage . . . just home ownership :-) RE is part of a portfolio. Also demonstrates ability to sustain long term financial & community commitment. Helps you avoid grifters. Us older YM ladies might have more rules because more to lose
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 12:17:19 GMT -5
yes, it's absolutely possible to be too picky. Yes, you want a man you're attracted to in all ways, but how he (or she) treats you should be at least as - if not more - important. how much money they make or whether they own a house (to me) just isn't all that relevant. yes, you want someone that works, and can manage their money, but the annual salary just shouldn't be a contributing factor. unless you're some sort of materialistic fool who thinks money is the most important thing in life..
way more important is whether you have the same core beliefs, feelings about kids/parenting, and complementary personalities. you also need interests that are both common and individual. do the common together and enjoy the individual as individuals. everyone needs time apart. At my age, a man that can't manage his own money & has no assets is a no-go. I don't need someone who is going to be a drain on me at this point. If they are in their 50's and have no money to their name, that's an indicator of lifetime pattern of bad choices. When I was younger, working full time with young kids, I would have loved to have a Mr Mom and would have been happy being the only one bringing in money. Different times, different expectations on where people should be. Guess I am a materialistic fool because it is important & I was massively burned by it before.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 12:24:22 GMT -5
I forget the exact statistics, but I only %5 or so of American men are 6' or taller, it's a relatively small number.
What I find interesting is many women (or at least older women) insist on home ownership. Which never made sense to me, because the decision to tie yourself down to a mortgage shouldn't reflect on you as a person.
No mortgage . . . just home ownership :-) RE is part of a portfolio. Also demonstrates ability to sustain long term financial & community commitment. Helps you avoid grifters. Us older YM ladies might have more rules because more to lose Well, if I wanted to purchase a home I'd could do it, in fact, I've done it before. But renting makes the most sense right now for me. It's just a shame some people judge others as unworthy because they didn't partake of home ownership. I can understand wanting someone to have their own place to live and be independent, but home ownership seems oddly specific.
But to be fair, I don't think Rock It and I are in the same dating pool age wise. I can see how an older adult might have different priorities.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 12:25:46 GMT -5
yes, it's absolutely possible to be too picky. Yes, you want a man you're attracted to in all ways, but how he (or she) treats you should be at least as - if not more - important. how much money they make or whether they own a house (to me) just isn't all that relevant. yes, you want someone that works, and can manage their money, but the annual salary just shouldn't be a contributing factor. unless you're some sort of materialistic fool who thinks money is the most important thing in life..
way more important is whether you have the same core beliefs, feelings about kids/parenting, and complementary personalities. you also need interests that are both common and individual. do the common together and enjoy the individual as individuals. everyone needs time apart. At my age, a man that can't manage his own money & has no assets is a no-go. I don't need someone who is going to be a drain on me at this point. If they are in their 50's and have no money to their name, that's an indicator of lifetime pattern of bad choices. When I was younger, working full time with young kids, I would have loved to have a Mr Mom and would have been happy being the only one bringing in money. Different times, different expectations on where people should be. Guess I am a materialistic fool because it is important & I was massively burned by it before. What if they had significant assets, just not in real estate, and rented?
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 5, 2015 12:30:31 GMT -5
yes, it's absolutely possible to be too picky. Yes, you want a man you're attracted to in all ways, but how he (or she) treats you should be at least as - if not more - important. how much money they make or whether they own a house (to me) just isn't all that relevant. yes, you want someone that works, and can manage their money, but the annual salary just shouldn't be a contributing factor. unless you're some sort of materialistic fool who thinks money is the most important thing in life..
way more important is whether you have the same core beliefs, feelings about kids/parenting, and complementary personalities. you also need interests that are both common and individual. do the common together and enjoy the individual as individuals. everyone needs time apart. At my age, a man that can't manage his own money & has no assets is a no-go. I don't need someone who is going to be a drain on me at this point. If they are in their 50's and have no money to their name, that's an indicator of lifetime pattern of bad choices. When I was younger, working full time with young kids, I would have loved to have a Mr Mom and would have been happy being the only one bringing in money. Different times, different expectations on where people should be. Agree. I think this is what's keeping one of my other friends from finding the right woman. He's in his early 60s and very, very attractive - even to the 30 something year olds. Tall, athletic, kind, gentle, nicest person ever. But.... he can't manage money. Unless you know him it's not obvious because it's not like he talks about it or makes an issue, but he's going into his 60s with little to no savings, doesn't own a home and has bad credit. I've only known him 7 years, so not sure how much of it was the latest real estate melt down in FL and if he isn't necessarily a serial mismanager just got caught in the collapse while overextended. But I do know that even if he is totally and completely responsible for the rest of his life, going into retirement age with no savings, no home and poor credit is going to make for a very, very tough next few decades.
His long time live in girlfriend left him three years ago because of the financial issues (she told me all this and when she left I kept him as a friend and dumped her because she was kind of a bitch) and I know he's had several other women not date him because of that as well. As his friend it kills me because he's such a catch in so many ways. But as a woman and a logical person, I do understand the concerns of the women. Very tough situation.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 5, 2015 13:03:48 GMT -5
You have to have some type of standards for sure. But I admit that I'm kinda picky. Right now I'm not looking for anything really serious so at the moment a guy has to be 1. Physically attractive IMO 2. Smart or interesting 3. Not a douchebag
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 5, 2015 13:07:53 GMT -5
At my age, a man that can't manage his own money & has no assets is a no-go. I don't need someone who is going to be a drain on me at this point. If they are in their 50's and have no money to their name, that's an indicator of lifetime pattern of bad choices. When I was younger, working full time with young kids, I would have loved to have a Mr Mom and would have been happy being the only one bringing in money. Different times, different expectations on where people should be. Guess I am a materialistic fool because it is important & I was massively burned by it before. What if they had significant assets, just not in real estate, and rented? Might be somewhat location specific; could be common in NYC or SF.
Just not his mother's basement!
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Jul 5, 2015 13:10:15 GMT -5
Phoenix84,
I'll add that it would be odd for a man in my dating range 50s-early 60s to have never owned a home.
ETA: And in CA no one gives up their prop 13 status willingly!
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jul 5, 2015 13:50:26 GMT -5
?
sometimes I think that specific of stuff is kind of a "code" for:
Guy needs to be taller than I am (OR the guy needs to be able to handle my height without making it awkward with all those clichés ) Guy need to HAVE a job and I'd really like it if he wasn't working the weekends/evenings. Guy needs to have no kids - well, ok, that one probably is literally what they'd like. Guy needs to be a Southern Baptist... they might be ok with a guy who's NOT religious but who is willing to go along with HER religious beliefs and commitments - ie JOIN her at Church functions etc... Guy needs to live within 30 miles of my house - I don't want a long distance relationship.
I generally think someone who IS too picky (especially if it's nitpicking stuff) isn't really all that interested in finding a spouse.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 13:52:27 GMT -5
Well, if I wanted to purchase a home I'd could do it, in fact, I've done it before. But renting makes the most sense right now for me. It's just a shame some people judge others as unworthy because they didn't partake of home ownership. I can understand wanting someone to have their own place to live and be independent, but home ownership seems oddly specific.
But to be fair, I don't think Rock It and I are in the same dating pool age wise. I can see how an older adult might have different priorities.
Correct Phoenix! If you were 50-60 year old nomad, might concern me. 20's & 30's sure, still figuring out where you want to be!! If no roots at 45 I am going to worry about you. Fully expect you to be married with a healthy bouncing baby in the next 5-7 years
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 5, 2015 14:04:41 GMT -5
I'm not sure if my standards are too high. Right now in striking out on getting a second date and you don't find out any substantial deal breakers on date one.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 14:08:00 GMT -5
At my age, a man that can't manage his own money & has no assets is a no-go. I don't need someone who is going to be a drain on me at this point. If they are in their 50's and have no money to their name, that's an indicator of lifetime pattern of bad choices. When I was younger, working full time with young kids, I would have loved to have a Mr Mom and would have been happy being the only one bringing in money. Different times, different expectations on where people should be. Agree. I think this is what's keeping one of my other friends from finding the right woman. He's in his early 60s and very, very attractive - even to the 30 something year olds. Tall, athletic, kind, gentle, nicest person ever. But.... he can't manage money. Unless you know him it's not obvious because it's not like he talks about it or makes an issue, but he's going into his 60s with little to no savings, doesn't own a home and has bad credit. I've only known him 7 years, so not sure how much of it was the latest real estate melt down in FL and if he isn't necessarily a serial mismanager just got caught in the collapse while overextended. But I do know that even if he is totally and completely responsible for the rest of his life, going into retirement age with no savings, no home and poor credit is going to make for a very, very tough next few decades.
His long time live in girlfriend left him three years ago because of the financial issues (she told me all this and when she left I kept him as a friend and dumped her because she was kind of a bitch) and I know he's had several other women not date him because of that as well. As his friend it kills me because he's such a catch in so many ways. But as a woman and a logical person, I do understand the concerns of the women. Very tough situation.
60's and no assets is really scary. He'll have to look for an equally broke 60 year old Actually, I am surprised to hear that in FL with ALL the single, older ladies. Keep in mind that I am in a community property state, so you are 50-60 and run into a serious illness, you can wipe out more than 1/2 my assets and leave me broke. Likewise on marriage/divorce, you'll get close to 1/2 regardless of a prenup. Sucks, but unless I and my kids leave this state, that's how it is and I am okay with it if I am single forevermore!
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 5, 2015 14:10:31 GMT -5
Agree. I think this is what's keeping one of my other friends from finding the right woman. He's in his early 60s and very, very attractive - even to the 30 something year olds. Tall, athletic, kind, gentle, nicest person ever. But.... he can't manage money. Unless you know him it's not obvious because it's not like he talks about it or makes an issue, but he's going into his 60s with little to no savings, doesn't own a home and has bad credit. I've only known him 7 years, so not sure how much of it was the latest real estate melt down in FL and if he isn't necessarily a serial mismanager just got caught in the collapse while overextended. But I do know that even if he is totally and completely responsible for the rest of his life, going into retirement age with no savings, no home and poor credit is going to make for a very, very tough next few decades.
His long time live in girlfriend left him three years ago because of the financial issues (she told me all this and when she left I kept him as a friend and dumped her because she was kind of a bitch) and I know he's had several other women not date him because of that as well. As his friend it kills me because he's such a catch in so many ways. But as a woman and a logical person, I do understand the concerns of the women. Very tough situation.
60's and no assets is really scary. He'll have to look for an equally broke 60 year old Actually, I am surprised to hear that in FL with ALL the single, older ladies.my Keep in mind that I am in a community property state, so you are 50-60 and run into a serious illness, you can wipe out more than 1/2 my assets and leave me broke. Likewise on marriage/divorce, you'll get close to 1/2 regardless of a pre-nup. Sucks, but unless I and my kids leave this state, that's how it is and I am okay with it if I am single forevermore! Then have "friends" or "roommates" and never remarry. If I ever divorce or my wife passes, I have no intentions of getting remarried.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 14:12:59 GMT -5
Agree. I think this is what's keeping one of my other friends from finding the right woman. He's in his early 60s and very, very attractive - even to the 30 something year olds. Tall, athletic, kind, gentle, nicest person ever. But.... he can't manage money. Unless you know him it's not obvious because it's not like he talks about it or makes an issue, but he's going into his 60s with little to no savings, doesn't own a home and has bad credit. I've only known him 7 years, so not sure how much of it was the latest real estate melt down in FL and if he isn't necessarily a serial mismanager just got caught in the collapse while overextended. But I do know that even if he is totally and completely responsible for the rest of his life, going into retirement age with no savings, no home and poor credit is going to make for a very, very tough next few decades.
His long time live in girlfriend left him three years ago because of the financial issues (she told me all this and when she left I kept him as a friend and dumped her because she was kind of a bitch) and I know he's had several other women not date him because of that as well. As his friend it kills me because he's such a catch in so many ways. But as a woman and a logical person, I do understand the concerns of the women. Very tough situation.
60's and no assets is really scary. He'll have to look for an equally broke 60 year old Actually, I am surprised to hear that in FL with ALL the single, older ladies.my Keep in mind that I am in a community property state, so you are 50-60 and run into a serious illness, you can wipe out more than 1/2 my assets and leave me broke. Likewise on marriage/divorce, you'll get close to 1/2 regardless of a pre-nup. Sucks, but unless I and my kids leave this state, that's how it is and I am okay with it if I am single forevermore! Don't most states recognize common law marriages too? So even if you don't get married, but still shack up, doesn't that still apply?
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 14:13:49 GMT -5
Phoenix84,
I'll add that it would be odd for a man in my dating range 50s-early 60s to have never owned a home.
ETA: And in CA no one gives up their prop 13 status willingly! Prop 13 status?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 14:17:33 GMT -5
60's and no assets is really scary. He'll have to look for an equally broke 60 year old Actually, I am surprised to hear that in FL with ALL the single, older ladies.my Keep in mind that I am in a community property state, so you are 50-60 and run into a serious illness, you can wipe out more than 1/2 my assets and leave me broke. Likewise on marriage/divorce, you'll get close to 1/2 regardless of a pre-nup. Sucks, but unless I and my kids leave this state, that's how it is and I am okay with it if I am single forevermore! Don't most states recognize common law marriages too? So even if you don't get married, but still shack up, doesn't that still apply? Yes, so that's why he has to have his own house. I don't want to have risk of common law or palimony or any shit like that. Just won't do it. Ex trashed me financially, then made like really difficult for me and kids thereafter. Pretty burned & don't need it in my life again. Also, I consider myself a terrible picker of spouse-material (based on ex & then a couple of subsequent BFs); so really don't want to go there again. Even so, if I met someone with a fantastic personality that I mesh with I would certainly date. Just won't put my name on a certificate, cohabitate, or combine finances.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 14:18:36 GMT -5
Here's my standards.
1. Some sort of attraction 2. Some sort of job skill and able to earn a living 3. treats me well. 4. No kids 5. Has own place to live, own car, and lives independently.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 5, 2015 14:20:10 GMT -5
Here's my standards.
1. Some sort of attraction 2. Some sort of job skill and able to earn a living 3. treats me well. 4. No kids 5. Has own place to live, own car, and lives independently. How old are you? If you are pushing mid 30's the "no kids" will need to be evaluated.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 5, 2015 14:26:45 GMT -5
Here's my standards.
1. Some sort of attraction 2. Some sort of job skill and able to earn a living 3. treats me well. 4. No kids 5. Has own place to live, own car, and lives independently. How old are you? If you are pushing mid 30's the "no kids" will need to be evaluated. 30 And yeah, I expect I may have to relX the "no kids" rule at some point.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 5, 2015 14:30:20 GMT -5
Phoenix84,
I'll add that it would be odd for a man in my dating range 50s-early 60s to have never owned a home.
ETA: And in CA no one gives up their prop 13 status willingly! Prop 13 status? Has to do with property taxes: there is a maximum % they can raise the assesment basis of your home annually (Bonny is it 1 or 2%?) but it resets at the time a home sells. So you don't sell and keep the low basis. It is one of the few items (if not the only one) were CA is a "tax haven" compared to much of the rst of the country
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