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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 22:57:27 GMT -5
thank you MJ.....you said what I was going to.
Plus when I worked I never met anyone that I was dating or intending on dating, for lunch. Why? Because during a working day, I was in work mode, all day period. I would 'date' on my off time, when I could switch hats.
Plus, you two had already had this coming Sunday as your 1st meetup, if I'm not mistaken...yes, he could have been sooo enthralled w/your convos that he couldn't wait and tried to move it up, but.....nah, just weird. AND if you said yes to his request/invite, like you said, he'd know where you worked and we both agree.....not cool; gonna happen.
We do think alike..
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2015 23:10:44 GMT -5
Well you can do the fade out or just tell him. Its harsh I know. I have done it both ways, fading out feels like a cop out so I would recommend just telling him Jenny. I agree with Nutty. I think it is better to concentrate on your objective, 'I don't want to be more than friends' over 'I want to be nice about it'. Culturally, guys are taught not to take the No. Make it clear, and be ready to keep being clear on friends only, if that.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2015 23:15:55 GMT -5
That's the big revelation I've had about women and dating. It's a revelation I started to have about 6 months ago.
With all due respect to women, they feel first when it comes to dating. They want to fall in love from the first meeting, or at least have strong feelings about a man as soon as they meet him.
That's why you get people like MJ, who meets a bunch of guys, many of which are willing to go out of their way to please her, and she's like "meh."
My big mistake was assuming because I had my shit together, good job, education and all that, that it would be enough. The realization is that doesn't matter, or at least is a secondary concern, it's all about feelings and falling in love early and hard. Chemistry, in other words.
So if a really unattractive woman tried to pursue you, you'd reciprocate even if you weren't the least bit attracted to her? Not buying it at all. Men are visual creatures and are in general more shallow than women. Chemistry matters. I think depending who you are, that chemistry might be more mental than physical, but if you are thinking 'I will never bang that', I think it is smart for a woman to end it right away.
I am not at all attracted to older guys, i.e. ones usually 5 or more years older than me, who usually remind me of Dad. I like many as friends, but expect to never be physically attracted to any of them.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2015 23:18:12 GMT -5
Friend or husband - sure. Someone you've never met wanting to come to your job? Nope. Coming to someone's workplace is intimate. More so than helping someone move. At least to me. FWIW. YMMV.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2015 23:30:44 GMT -5
One last thought on this subject. About 3 months after dating my dh, he asked me one day if I was ever going to call him
I replied, "Uhm...no, why would I ever do that?"
..........yeah, I know.......dinosaur...but I have no complaints... Everyone is different. Two of my most successful relationships, I initiated. Not calling a man and expecting him to always call? Totally not my style.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2015 23:38:59 GMT -5
I, for one, don't know how you can even determine chemistry before you have met someone and interacted with them.
That said, I don't like this arrangement due to no one you know even knowing the guy. Why is having dates or distractions worth these set-ups with people of unknown background? If you feel creeped out, you absolutely should not go meet up with him.
Maybe I am the dinosaur, but I don't understand why you would even want to 'just be friends' with this guy if you have no interest in him. If his texts have been funny, engaging, interesting, then that might be different; but then you probably would have been looking forward to seeing him.
If you know yourself to be shallow and looks at 8/9/10 are mandatory, then take a lesson from this and ask for a photo before you allow any contact or express any interest. Anyone else asks if you want to meet their friend, just say 'looks are important to me, send a photo first'.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 2, 2015 23:49:03 GMT -5
Still on page 1...
Even AFTER my now-husband and I were dating for months, engaged and then married, I still didn't want him anywhere near my work. I liked to keep my private life - private.
Pictures can be VERY deceiving. After seeing the first pic of my now-husband, I thought he was some Italian mobster, and not that high on their food chain. The second picture made me do a double take bc I thought he looked exactly like one of my celebrity crushes - very very hot.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Jul 3, 2015 0:28:21 GMT -5
Oh my God, you guys read so much into everything that isn't there! The dude offered to drive an hour to meet her, and if that was your husband you would be flattered but if it's some guy who is trying to make a good impression he's a stalker? Holy crap! When's the last time you had somebody take an hour out of their life for you? The fact that that it is a bad thing, speaks volumes about our society.
I haven't met this dude, so I don't know what he's like. The fact that somebody who wanted to have a threesome hooked her up with him raises flags LoL.
I flew 2 hours just to drink with an old friend at Oktoberfest, so I don't think driving an hour to date somebody is out of line...call me crazy. It comes from having dated and run across an obsessive nut job or two. Have you ever met a chick you barely know who will not take no for an answer? In addition to being frightening, no one really wants to continue seeing someone who is unbalanced.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Jul 3, 2015 1:10:28 GMT -5
It comes from having dated and run across an obsessive nut job or two. Have you ever met a chick you barely know who will not take no for an answer? In addition to being frightening, no one really wants to continue seeing someone who is unbalanced. No, and I get it from listening to the single guys at work - one had an ex-GF bust out the window of his car and his new GF said "he's my man!" and it's all so much drama! And I'm sure some of it is because of the male perspective vs female...I"m very trusting and it's burned me, but that's never lead to a sexual assault or anything like that where it could have if it was switched around.
I dunno, all the married guys wish they were single because they would be out at the clubs picking up chicks like mad, and all the single girls want a family man! I'll be honest with you, the best complement I ever had was when a coworker said "You're the best family man I know"...and that didn't come from my wife, so guys want to be things and don't live up to expectations either, and all that.
I don't think you get what I am saying. There are men out there who will get obsessive WAY too early, and fixate. It is creepy because it is not emotionally healthy. To them, you are an object and not a person. (I am sure there are women who do the same thing). Is MJ's blind date guy one of these nut jobs? I have no idea. Still, I have learned to trust my gut in these situations.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 3, 2015 5:50:28 GMT -5
If the guy was physically very attractive, would it still be weird? or would it be romantic? Absolutely weird for anyone to go an hour out of their way for someone you don't know. I feel smothered for MJ just reading about this guy. Not weighing in on whether this guy is OK or not, but since you don't know him you also don't know if this is weird behavior or not. It might not be as weird as it sounds on the surface. For example, there's a town about an hour away that I sometimes go to because they have a great Italian market with homemade pastas, etc. I'll go once every 4 months or so and stock up. If, for example, I met someone online that lived in that town it wouldn't be a biggie for me to drop something off to them because I'd just do it on the way to the Italian market. Way too much detail to discuss with a person I just met, so they'd probably get the impression that I'm driving an hour just to see them when instead they're a small diversion on my way to happy homemade manicotti.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 6:17:19 GMT -5
Gorgeous guys rarely use dating sights. They don't need to to. I have yet to meet a really gorgeous guy who isn't an asshole because their whole life they've been chased. When I was young looks mattered. Now that I'm older character matters. I married "looks" not character. Big mistake. Huge. Now I married character. Right now my life sucks because of him being ill but when he wasn't, my life was good. Think long term not right now. Besides I take awful pictures and I'm not awful looking.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 3, 2015 7:46:20 GMT -5
I know it all depends on the specific people in question, and to what degree you've talked and shared. So all of that weighs in here.
For me, a woman I was interested in telling me "lets just be friends" is like a consolation prize. Obviously I didn't have whatever it was she wanted to make me worth trying, and it is what it is. If you are going to meet him having already pretty much made up your mind, then just give him a straight up clean break.
...:::"ETA: Single guys listen up...here would have been the non creepy way to score points. Ask if there is a close or favorite restaurant nearby and arrange for lunch to be delivered!":::...
Would this really score brownie points? He'd still get her work address. As a guy, this seems like a big gamble. She gets all the benefits of the encounter without actually having to do any work. We don't get to meet, we don't get to talk. It sounds like a "that was so sweet" gesture. I would have major expectations of getting a meetup very soon after that.
...:::"...many of which are willing to go out of their way to please her, and she's like "meh."":::...
Yeah that... Setting the bar too high too early makes it very hard to scale back, and distorts expectations. Ask me how I know that.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 3, 2015 8:00:10 GMT -5
...:::"There are men people out there who will get obsessive WAY too early, and fixate.":::... Fixed. ...:::"Gorgeous guys rarely use dating sights. They don't need to to. I have yet to meet a really gorgeous guy who isn't an asshole because their whole life they've been chased.":::... I agree with you in concept. I do wonder to what degree online dating is "the new way" and I suppose its everyones fantasy that the perfect person is on the site because they are too busy or shy or whatever. For me, I would love the idea of getting to "pre-screen" certain aspects like non-smoker, non-religious, and certain interests. This is the generation of online shopping so browsing profiles and adding to cart is natural!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 8:10:09 GMT -5
If I were in the market, I'd use it myself. If I outlive DH, I'm done. I want to find a singles group that travels and see the world. My girlfriend just put her kids in camp for a month and went to China!!
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 3, 2015 8:44:01 GMT -5
Absolutely weird for anyone to go an hour out of their way for someone you don't know. I feel smothered for MJ just reading about this guy. Not weighing in on whether this guy is OK or not, but since you don't know him you also don't know if this is weird behavior or not. It might not be as weird as it sounds on the surface. For example, there's a town about an hour away that I sometimes go to because they have a great Italian market with homemade pastas, etc. I'll go once every 4 months or so and stock up. If, for example, I met someone online that lived in that town it wouldn't be a biggie for me to drop something off to them because I'd just do it on the way to the Italian market. Way too much detail to discuss with a person I just met, so they'd probably get the impression that I'm driving an hour just to see them when instead they're a small diversion on my way to happy homemade manicotti.
But you'd say "hey, I'm making my regular trip to this town and I'll be nearby, I can drop this thing off." Not just out of the blue ask for their work address. If it's weird for MJ, then it's weird. I don't need to convince her not to be turned off.
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Jul 3, 2015 9:29:56 GMT -5
I would be totally put off by a guy I hadn't met wanting to come by my office, whether it was 1 hour or 1 minute away. When I was dating before DP, I always insisted on driving myself to meet them, not letting them come to my house, or telling them where I worked. Yes, I know they could have found out on their own if they really wanted to, but I wasn't going to make it easier for them. I'm not paranoid, but I don't trust every person I meet right off the bat.
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Jul 3, 2015 10:16:55 GMT -5
MJ, does he work?
You've liked him enough to continue phone conversations, go ahead with the planned date, he may have been trying to be nice. Although, you said you were too busy for lunch, like others said maybe he's just being awkward.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 3, 2015 10:31:16 GMT -5
Can't say I've ever offered to bring a woman lunch when we haven't even met. Not something that would really cross my mind.
Since I only get 30 minutes for lunch, I certainly couldn't do that on a workday, even if I wanted to.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 3, 2015 10:39:21 GMT -5
The reality of dating is that men pursue and women want to be pursued. For the most part, the advances are to made by the man, and whenever they're not wanted, or awkward the man's a "creeper" or a "weirdo." Which I don't think is necessarily fair.
Though I suppose it can go the other way.
I don't know, to me it sounds like the guy was just socially awkward, not a "weirdo" or "creeper." People get ideas that don't work out. There's a difference. But obviously I've never met the guy.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 3, 2015 10:41:06 GMT -5
Sounds to me like this guy just doesn't know the rules of engagement when it comes to online dating. I've never participated but even I know you don't arrange a first face-to-face meeting at your home, or your place of work. First meetings should be at neutral locations. He may not be a creep, but he's not in touch with the times from the sounds of it. If it were me, I'd go ahead with the planned meeting in order to actually get a feel for what/whom I'm dealing with. If I found him to be friend material, I'd tell him so and explain I'm not interested in taking things any further at this point in time. In my experience, the truth almost always works best.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 3, 2015 11:05:54 GMT -5
Gorgeous guys rarely use dating sites sights. They don't need to to. I have yet to meet a really gorgeous guy who isn't an asshole because their whole life they've been chased. When I was young looks mattered. Now that I'm older character matters. I married "looks" not character. Big mistake. Huge. Now I married character. Right now my life sucks because of him being ill but when he wasn't, my life was good. Think long term not right now. Besides I take awful pictures and I'm not awful looking. I don't know if you are seeing this clearly, or it may be the region of Florida you are currently in. There are gorgeous people looking for love on line much like other folks.
Now, its true many might be asses, prima donnas, etc. because of RL and on line attention. I know some gorgeous guys. My favorite in that regard does not see himself as gorgeous. He once was fat, now works as a trainer, but still mentally sees himself as less, than versus 'how lucky you are to be in my gorgeous presence '.
Both looks and character mattered to me when I was younger and still matter to me as I am older. I've just probably become more flexible on race, ethnitcity, etc. looks wise.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 3, 2015 11:08:35 GMT -5
The reality of dating is that men pursue and women want to be pursued. For the most part, the advances are to made by the man, and whenever they're not wanted, or awkward the man's a "creeper" or a "weirdo." Which I don't think is necessarily fair.
Though I suppose it can go the other way.
I don't know, to me it sounds like the guy was just socially awkward, not a "weirdo" or "creeper." People get ideas that don't work out. There's a difference. But obviously I've never met the guy. I think you need to read some current books on dating habits for your age group. It is so not about gender roles for many of us. There is some of the traditional stuff, but those who say they want women to pursue actually have to be OK with & welcome it, when it happens.
Part of being social beings is learning what behaviors creep people out and how to recover when you intended something innocuous.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 11:10:21 GMT -5
I see a lot of gorgeous women. I don't see a lot of gorgeous men. The few I see KNOW IT and USE IT.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 3, 2015 11:28:39 GMT -5
There are hot guys on there, but most of them are horny dirtbags.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2015 17:59:07 GMT -5
You're right Opti...everyone is different... I realize it is a totally different generation/world today; but I also know that some men still like to pursue women as was tradition for hundreds of years. Not all men/women are comfortable with what the latest popular social media medium deems is 'the way...' either. Just as some men like to be pursued by women, and some women are perfectly content to pursue men....there are also what you may call 'old fashioned' people even in this new-way world of ours...men that like to do the intial pursuing, and women who enjoy being pursued initially. (Note I said 'initially'....as it's also key)
I'm glad for you that your way, i.e.; pursuing men has resulted in some of your best relationships.
My way has also resulted in the same for me.
The way I see it is that we both get to enjoy a Win-Win philosophy on the subject, no?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2015 18:11:04 GMT -5
Heh, heh, if I had someone thirty years older than me message me, it'd be from the grave!!
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 3, 2015 18:28:26 GMT -5
I am using an online site. Not sure how well its going.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 3, 2015 18:48:15 GMT -5
...:::"There are hot guys on there, but most of them are horny dirtbags.":::...
I'm curious, what makes them horny dirtbags? I agree there are folks just using the site for hookups, so I know they are out there.
I always imagined that a lot of folks using online dating in our age group, or older, have come out of bad relationships. I know if I were in that situation, I would be very clear about what it was I wanted. I sat with an older friend while she browsed profiles, and yes, there are a lot of men on there who... have expectations. On the other hand, if you were in a relationship where you weren't getting what you wanted for a prolonged period of time, you probably aren't keen to step right back into that situation.
Also, I'm pretty sure knowing you are hot and using it is not restricted to one gender.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 3, 2015 20:53:39 GMT -5
There are hot guys on there, but most of them are horny dirtbags. Have you had anybody like 30 years older than you message you? There were 1 or 2 50 or almost 50-somethings.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jul 3, 2015 21:01:02 GMT -5
...:::"There are hot guys on there, but most of them are horny dirtbags.":::... I'm curious, what makes them horny dirtbags? I agree there are folks just using the site for hookups, so I know they are out there. I always imagined that a lot of folks using online dating in our age group, or older, have come out of bad relationships. I know if I were in that situation, I would be very clear about what it was I wanted. I sat with an older friend while she browsed profiles, and yes, there are a lot of men on there who... have expectations. On the other hand, if you were in a relationship where you weren't getting what you wanted for a prolonged period of time, you probably aren't keen to step right back into that situation. Also, I'm pretty sure knowing you are hot and using it is not restricted to one gender. Let's see... One immediately asked me if I liked guys with foot fetishes, another claimed he was looking for "the one" but kept talking about the arrangements so that we could have sex, one was actually a couple looking for a another woman, one kept trying to pursue me for a sex only relationship after I told him I wasn't interested in that... Do you need more?
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