Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 20, 2015 10:50:27 GMT -5
You can get a pre-paid and give him that number, and then block him from your regular number. Even cheaper, you can block him from your regular number and only unblock him on that Wednesdays from 6-7 time frame, and then reblock him. I like this idea. Then I'd tell him the phone will be available for him to call and talk to the kids Thursdays from 6-7 (or whatever) and that's it. Then turn it on at the designated time and back off when it's not in use. Don't check the messages or voice-mails. Adding a simple phone to your plan shouldn't be that much. Also, please stop texting him.
ETA: if you need to have any other contact with him, set up a dummy e-mail that all his e-mail gets sent to, that way you can contact him if there's actually something you want to do (like send him a pic of the kids or whatever). He's used to pushing your buttons and you let him. If you are really truly sick of him manipulating you, stop answering, stop wondering what he is thinking. The 'Thank you' text was bait. The best response would have been nothing. A text in response, no matter the content, means he has succeeded in reeling you to respond and he's going to continue the behavior.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 20, 2015 12:15:40 GMT -5
I have a jerk but non abusive ex. He would randomly call or text drunk when he was downtown since I live there. Even when I stopped saying he could come over I'd still respond to his texts the next morning. The texts kept coming. The last texts was the drunken one following an apology the next day. I responded to neither and haven't heard from him in almost a year. He's never give away that long since I met him six years ago.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 20, 2015 12:25:51 GMT -5
I do get why Angel wants to keep in touch and it doesn't necessarily mean she's enjoying that he's still liking her. It's scary not knowing where they are, what they're up to or what state their head is in. You start wondering if they're just going to show up at the door at 3am or pull the kids out of school while you're at work and leave the state. This is what I get to deal with today. The creepy silence. I know it may not make sense, but silence is WAY, WAY worse than the harassment. With the harassment you know their state of mind. With silence you don't know if their happily living their life without you or as MPL said planning to show up at 3 AM at your door or worse.
I know he is 700 miles away. I know he has a warrant in this state & I can get him arrested. But, that doesn't stop the what-ifs that run through your head. Logically I don't think he would ever hurt the kids, but he is a totally unstable individual who is now uber-pissed at me & possibly depressed, possibly suicidal. So even if it is 1 in a million that he might do something, that is still a what-if that runs through your head & it sucks & it is scary. It is creepy enough with him being at such a distance, but if he was in town I would be panicky about having the kids in school today.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 20, 2015 12:31:32 GMT -5
He is 6 & I think it is a combination of talking on the phone & the fact it is his dad. He does miss his dad. They both talk about how much they want him to come back. I've told them even if he comes back to the state he won't be living with us. I dealt with this one for a while. It was an obvious "get DS to start begging Mom to let Dad come home and make her feel guilty" ploy. I'm glad he quit that (after I blew up at him a couple times for it), because it really sucks being put in that position where you have to be the bad guy to your kid. DD actually said last night that I had made him leave, which upset me. I just corrected her & said I made him leave our house, but it was his choice to leave the state.
And then I don't know if it was the best choice, but I told them that he probably wasn't coming back & to not expect him to.
I just don't know how to balance the line between letting them figure out he is a horrible dad, but then possibly having them go through what Carl & Dark did growing up vs totally protecting them & later being blamed for coming between them & their dad because I'm sure they will grow up with a totally idealized version of him & what their childhood could have been if not for me. Either extreme seems really bad.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 12:35:06 GMT -5
I was lucky in that I had some of his family members that would tip me off to anything. I could text THEM and ask if he was acting wonky or what was up, but even with that there were stretches when they hadn't heard from him and he didn't contact me that I would break down and send him a text. It wasn't that I missed him or wanted to chat, I just wanted to get a couple replies to gauge where he was at mentally. I was perfectly fine and happy when he was in jail and didn't write or visit, because I knew he wasn't going anywhere. With nobody to act as a go-between at all I can see where it would be stressful even with him far away.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 12:37:03 GMT -5
I just don't know how to balance the line between letting them figure out he is a horrible dad, but then possibly having them go through what Carl & Dark did growing up vs totally protecting them & later being blamed for coming between them & their dad because I'm sure they will grow up with a totally idealized version of him & what their childhood could have been if not for me. Either extreme seems really bad.
Yeah....that's a tough one. I have no answers either.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 20, 2015 12:39:19 GMT -5
Might not be a bad idea to seek some counseling for yourself too.
Unfortunately you can't predict or control the future. You could do everything "right" and still have them resent you for it or do everything "wrong" and have them be just fine.
I would focus on what is best for the kids RIGHT NOW. He's unstable and is taking it out on them. That's not fair to the children and not any kind of "relationship" I would want to foster.
I also like the phone idea and that he is only allowed ot call at X time on X day. You screen the calls and it's up to the kids if they want to talk.
I have a feeling once he finds out he can no longer use the kids against you he won't be interested in calling anymore.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2015 12:49:59 GMT -5
I do get why Angel wants to keep in touch and it doesn't necessarily mean she's enjoying that he's still liking her. It's scary not knowing where they are, what they're up to or what state their head is in. You start wondering if they're just going to show up at the door at 3am or pull the kids out of school while you're at work and leave the state. This is what I get to deal with today. The creepy silence. I know it may not make sense, but silence is WAY, WAY worse than the harassment. With the harassment you know their state of mind. With silence you don't know if their happily living their life without you or as MPL said planning to show up at 3 AM at your door or worse.
I know he is 700 miles away. I know he has a warrant in this state & I can get him arrested. But, that doesn't stop the what-ifs that run through your head. Logically I don't think he would ever hurt the kids, but he is a totally unstable individual who is now uber-pissed at me & possibly depressed, possibly suicidal. So even if it is 1 in a million that he might do something, that is still a what-if that runs through your head & it sucks & it is scary. It is creepy enough with him being at such a distance, but if he was in town I would be panicky about having the kids in school today.
For your own piece of mind, make sure any school officials/teachers/daycare people know that his parenting is suspended indefinitely by the courts and that under no circumstances are they to let the kids leave the premises with him.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 20, 2015 12:58:46 GMT -5
If parenting time is suspended indefinitely, you don't have to allow any contact with him.
however, if he gets a wild hair and decides to someday file for visits, you don't want to have cut off contact. I'd go with milee's suggestion and tell him your scheduled contact days and times are "x" and only respond to him on x.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 20, 2015 13:09:46 GMT -5
Not sure how to say this nicely and encouragingly so I'll keep it short. The impulsive act, react, react etc. cycle is not doing you or him any favors.
If you hadn't responded, he would not have reacted with I will never call them again, will see them at 18. With people who like to yank your chains, I find there is much less chain yanking if you say less and keep the interaction short.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 20, 2015 13:10:07 GMT -5
I would find a therapist for you that deals with family dynamics. I'm being you'll feel way less guilt when you have a professional that deals with families and kids in your corner to help you through things.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2015 13:15:09 GMT -5
If parenting time is suspended indefinitely, you don't have to allow any contact with him.
however, if he gets a wild hair and decides to someday file for visits, you don't want to have cut off contact. I'd go with milee's suggestion and tell him your scheduled contact days and times are "x" and only respond to him on x. Listen to Swamp, Swamp is a smart lady.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 13:50:47 GMT -5
Angel I don't have a creepy ex. I think we all attract people into our lives based on our behavior and beliefs. If you continue to tell yourself you have to monitor him to prevent bad things you are really just keeping yourself in this web of bad.
He may never have thought the bolded or gone on some mental tear if you had restrained yourself. Now you've gone on your own mental tear assuming the worst. I don't see anything you posted that realistically poses any risk to him deciding to drive 700 miles just to pick up the kids from school or do something else scary or weird near you.
The silence is scary because you've trained yourself to jump and interact with him. You apparently don't know silence can be good. Silence and not interacting can make you less important and leave room for him to get other interests or other local obsessions. Break the pattern. Perhaps you can find a friend or therapist who will teach you how to disengage and say no more than is necessary. It is far more likely your monitoring as you call it, is causing problems more than it is preventing them. (Not the same, but I can give you examples of how disengaging from problem patients at work lessens problems. When I'm tired and stupid they will play me. I try to keep that to a minimum.)
Well, I understand how silence can be worrisome in a situation like Angel's. If they're contacting you, you have an idea of their current state of mind even if you don't engage. If they disappear, that's good if they're somewhere focused on something else, it's not good if they're somewhere still focused on you and you don't realize it. Unfortunately you don't know which it is, and that can be unsettling. Dealing with an unstable, unpredictable person that knows where you live and your daily routines, is a bit different from dealing with problem patients at work imo.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 20, 2015 13:58:05 GMT -5
Angel I don't have a creepy ex. I think we all attract people into our lives based on our behavior and beliefs. If you continue to tell yourself you have to monitor him to prevent bad things you are really just keeping yourself in this web of bad.
He may never have thought the bolded or gone on some mental tear if you had restrained yourself. Now you've gone on your own mental tear assuming the worst. I don't see anything you posted that realistically poses any risk to him deciding to drive 700 miles just to pick up the kids from school or do something else scary or weird near you.
The silence is scary because you've trained yourself to jump and interact with him. You apparently don't know silence can be good. Silence and not interacting can make you less important and leave room for him to get other interests or other local obsessions. Break the pattern. Perhaps you can find a friend or therapist who will teach you how to disengage and say no more than is necessary. It is far more likely your monitoring as you call it, is causing problems more than it is preventing them. (Not the same, but I can give you examples of how disengaging from problem patients at work lessens problems. When I'm tired and stupid they will play me. I try to keep that to a minimum.)
Well, I understand how silence can be worrisome in a situation like Angel's. If they're contacting you, you have an idea of their current state of mind even if you don't engage. If they disappear, that's good if they're somewhere focused on something else, it's not good if they're somewhere still focused on you and you don't realize it. Unfortunately you don't know which it is, and that can be unsettling. Dealing with an unstable, unpredictable person that knows where you live and your daily routines, is a bit different from dealing with problem patients at work imo. It is different, but problem patients do hurt people and get them fired for not hopping to sometimes. Problem patients are right there, not 700 miles away. If you don't manage expectations you can continue to get yourself managed and not in a good way. FWIW, about 50 to 60% of our patients are confused. The unstable and unpredictable ones definitely learn your routines and try to play you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 14:34:59 GMT -5
He is 6 & I think it is a combination of talking on the phone & the fact it is his dad. He does miss his dad. They both talk about how much they want him to come back. I've told them even if he comes back to the state he won't be living with us. That makes it tough- you have one kid who WANTS to talk to Dad. If you prevent him from doing so you're the bad guy. I WOULD listen in on speakerphone, though. I'll tell you one thing that would scare me when dealing with an SOB like this: at some point you and DS will clash on something. He'll tell Daddy. daddy will sympathize, tell DS you're a bad mommy and it would be SO much better if DS could live with him. DS goes to live with Dad, he remembers why you and Dad divorced, he goes back with you. Rinse and repeat. I don't know how you prevent it (other than cutting off all contact) but you should be prepared for him to undermine your authority.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 20, 2015 15:18:48 GMT -5
We have in this area an organization called "Children of Separation and Divorce" that provides counseling, mediation and other services to parents and children affected by all phases of a marriage breaking up. They are wonderful. They will work out visitation plans, propose communications arrangements and have group and individual counseling for everyone involved. I hope, Angel!, that you have something similar. It will be good for your children and you, and you can emerge a bit from the fear. Suggestion in the meantime - communicate with him only by email, and use short declarative (and if necessary repetitive) sentences. Like this: Him: I miss you and the kids. You: "The children will be available by phone on Wednesdays, 6:30 - 7:00, for you to talk with them." Him: It's so hard without money. You: nothing, no reply Him: DS could come visit. And I want to send something to DD. You: "The children will be available by phone on Wednesdays, 6:30 - 7:00, for you to talk with them." rinse and repeat
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 20, 2015 15:40:56 GMT -5
We have in this area an organization called "Children of Separation and Divorce" that provides counseling, mediation and other services to parents and children affected by all phases of a marriage breaking up. They are wonderful. They will work out visitation plans, propose communications arrangements and have group and individual counseling for everyone involved. I hope, Angel!, that you have something similar. It will be good for your children and you, and you can emerge a bit from the fear. Suggestion in the meantime - communicate with him only by email, and use short declarative (and if necessary repetitive) sentences. Like this: Him: I miss you and the kids. You: "The children will be available by phone on Wednesdays, 6:30 - 7:00, for you to talk with them." Him: It's so hard without money. You: nothing, no reply Him: DS could come visit. And I want to send something to DD. You: "The children will be available by phone on Wednesdays, 6:30 - 7:00, for you to talk with them." rinse and repeat I wish I could like this post 1000 times
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