Opti
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Post by Opti on Mar 8, 2015 18:50:12 GMT -5
She just got a major shock and does not know what her prognosis is. The protocol should be to comfort her and be there for her. Everything else is not that important.
If you say you aren't fixated on money or the financial aspects, now is the time to show that. Give her emotional support. Have DD visit her in the hospital or at home if she is released. Everything else can wait. While you might feel taken care of if people asked your final wishes in this situation, I think most people would prefer being comforted instead. JMO.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 8, 2015 18:51:48 GMT -5
I'm not going to mention a thing about her estate or wishes. I will only support her from here on out.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Mar 8, 2015 20:06:54 GMT -5
If she is in the hospital, there should be a social worker there who can help her fill out her final wishes. It is an actual form that is given to the terminally ill. If you tell the social worker you would like to be in on the conversation with the ill person's permission, this should clear it up.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Mar 8, 2015 20:11:32 GMT -5
I think you're being a wee bit dramatic about the whole thing. I didn't get anything when any of my grandparents died and , for all I know, thenother kids might have!
If you really feel the need to 'fight the wrong' then make an adjustment in your will to give the adopted daughter more money than the siblings. Even Steven.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Mar 8, 2015 23:03:00 GMT -5
STOP TALKING ABOUT MONEY. If she is ill/terminal, then go spend time with her. Who gives a sh*t about money?
Please go get therapy. Your DD is at risk for significant issues if you don't get control of YOUR issues.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2015 23:29:26 GMT -5
okay, apparently i'm just crazy. She's in serious condition right now and I thought when things are this serious it was normal protocol to find out final wishes. We have no idea how she wants to be buried, or cremated, or anything. And we may never know at this point. We are the ONLY people taking care of her. She has nobody else. And for the record, I seriously don't want a penny. I want her to be healthy and have a good relationship with us. I guess that might be too late. In no way is it normal protocol to ask someone who was just admitted to the hospital and doesn't even have test results yet if they want to be cremated or buried.
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Post by mojothehelpermonkey on Mar 9, 2015 0:43:30 GMT -5
Hi MoneyMom, Sometimes you remind me of my mom because she is a really great person, but she is also overly hung up on fairness, and sometimes the easiest way to quantify that is by looking at how much money is spent. My parents got divorced when I was a around 13, and my mom got remarried about a year or so later. My former stepdad apparently never liked me, and at some point during their marriage, he gave a chunk of money to a random combination of biological and stepchildren that did not include me. If I had known about it at the time (when I was struggling), I probably would have been hurt,, but it ended up just being on of those things where I probably never needed to hear about it and when I finally did, my main reaction was ehhh... ....whatever. The effect that your MIL's distribution of her estate has on your daughter probably has more to do with the way you react to it than anything else, and as long as you stress out about on message boards instead of transferring that anxiety on to her, you guys are probably going to be okay.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 9, 2015 0:54:56 GMT -5
Nobody can be hurt by money. Money is inanimate. The only real power it has is the power you give it. I think that's an important thing to remember.
As to your MIL's current condition, until the tests are in it's not known whether she has cancer, or not. It's not known whether it's a cancer that can be eliminated, or one that can't. Finding all that out is the first order of business at this juncture and the poor woman is going to need all the loving support you can give her. She's in a very, very frightening situation. What you give now is critically important. What you (or family members) might, or might not get in the future is, right now, meaningless. It really is.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 9, 2015 8:06:55 GMT -5
If your MIL is as poor as you claim then the hospital is going to go after her house to pay her bills. There isn't going to be anything to fight over. Stop obsessing over the trust being finished and just let the chips fall where they may.
Problem solved.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Mar 9, 2015 8:54:13 GMT -5
If this inheritance is $100,000's of thousands to each kid, I don't see how DD won't find out about it eventually, and probably be hurt as a result. I would probably adjust somewhat as a result. On the (ironic) bright-side, they could blow right through all the money, and then she'd probably never find out. Sorry about your MIL--hopefully it's something that can be fixed.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 9, 2015 9:21:08 GMT -5
I'm going to have to go looking for this other thread that was mentioned early on.
But as someone down to 1 grandparent left, just love her. I don't spend anywhere near enough time with my grandmother. There's reasons but they're not particularly good ones (in my own opinion) So when she passes, I know I'm going to feel just horrible about it.
Just try to love her and spend time with her.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Mar 9, 2015 10:36:43 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about your mother in law. My grandma fell, broke her hip and got diagnosed with cancer when she was 80. She beat it and lived another 13 years in her house alone without the need for caregivers. Her mind stayed sharp until the end as well. Maybe your MIL will be okay as well and this will be your chance to build a real relationship and not just a financial relationship.
ETA- I was pretty close with my grandma but got no inheritance. As far as I know, she split whatever she had evenly between her two sons (my dad and uncle). But, I really have no idea what was in the will. My dad brought it up a year after her death and said she left him some money and he wanted to see if I could use 10K. I told him I didn't need any money, but maybe setting up a 529 would be a good use for it. So, he did. Maybe that counts, but the account isn't in my name so I've never actually seen it or any account details. I have no idea if he had the same conversation with my sisters, but I'm guessing he did. He's very fair and a man of his word.
All 4 of my grandparents are gone and my mom is gone and I've never received an inheritance. It never occurred to me to ask why.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Mar 9, 2015 11:32:43 GMT -5
okay, apparently i'm just crazy. She's in serious condition right now and I thought when things are this serious it was normal protocol to find out final wishes. We have no idea how she wants to be buried, or cremated, or anything. And we may never know at this point. We are the ONLY people taking care of her. She has nobody else. And for the record, I seriously don't want a penny. I want her to be healthy and have a good relationship with us. I guess that might be too late. In no way is it normal protocol to ask someone who was just admitted to the hospital and doesn't even have test results yet if they want to be cremated or buried. My mother refused to answer that question when she was healthy. The message was Sis and I would have to make that decision when the time came. If I were seriously ill, in the hospital, I sure as hell would not want to be asked "cremation or burial"? If they don't make their wishes known, then you decide as best you can when death occurs.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 9, 2015 11:44:12 GMT -5
In no way is it normal protocol to ask someone who was just admitted to the hospital and doesn't even have test results yet if they want to be cremated or buried. My mother refused to answer that question when she was healthy. The message was Sis and I would have to make that decision when the time came. If I were seriously ill, in the hospital, I sure as hell would not want to be asked "cremation or burial"? If they don't make their wishes known, then you decide as best you can when death occurs. But if, as someone posted earlier, the social worker does have that kind of discussion with someone - it can't hurt to let the social worker know that you don't have a clue as to what the person wants and find out if they're willing to share their information, if they get it. I know when Dad had the stroke, the hospital staff DID bring up paperwork for Mom and Dad. And kept someone on staff to do POAs, DNRs, etc. Once Dad got out Mom did work on the rest of the assorted paperwork to address their wishes once they passed. But since their previous will was made around 1965, that's good.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Mar 9, 2015 12:04:56 GMT -5
In no way is it normal protocol to ask someone who was just admitted to the hospital and doesn't even have test results yet if they want to be cremated or buried. My mother refused to answer that question when she was healthy. The message was Sis and I would have to make that decision when the time came. If I were seriously ill, in the hospital, I sure as hell would not want to be asked "cremation or burial"? If they don't make their wishes known, then you decide as best you can when death occurs. I agree. Everyone is different. Some people find it comforting to tell people want they want. Others find it distressing. That is the type of conversation that has be prompted by the person who is sick or dying (if it hasn't already been discussed). Otherwise I think when family/friends ask, it's like they are trying to get you to hurry up and die.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Mar 9, 2015 15:45:14 GMT -5
I think, again, that this is something that you can't control, so you should stop worrying about it.
1) Wait to see what the diagnosis is. This might be bad, or it might not be as bad as it sounds - either way, you have zero control of that outcome. Don't let's jump to the worst possible scenario.
2) If she does have a terminal diagnosis, I suspect the doctor or hospital will ask her if she has a living will. This will be a good time to ask her if she has a written will, or even just a piece of paper stating what she wants to happen to her estate. However, this is something DH should discuss with her, along with her other next of kin - again, not something you can control, so not something you should stress about.
I used to spend a lot of time worrying over shit I had no control over. My DH pointed out this was wasted time. So when I started obsessing about something in my mind, I started asking myself if there was anything I could personally do to change the outcome. If there was something I could do, I did it. If there wasn't anything I could do, I mentally spanked myself whenever my mind wandered back to the subject, until I stopped dwelling on it. Took a while to master this technique, but it's been amazingly helpful in reducing the stress in my life.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 9, 2015 16:06:00 GMT -5
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 9, 2015 16:45:55 GMT -5
Have you been connected to hospice or any other services? I agree about hospice. If you have not been contacted about it, get back in touch with the hospital and ask to be connected to services.
When my MIL and FIL were dying (they died to-the-day six months apart), hospice was enormously helpful and supportive.
And a good service will also offer post-mortem care to the family left behind. This is an excellent way to get into counseling with minimal or no cost.
Hugs and prayers going out to you and your family!
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Mar 9, 2015 17:44:13 GMT -5
... Where I live (France), for better or worse, you have to leave equal shares to your children or your grandchildren, unless a child is disabled, in which case that child is entitled to more (but only with the siblings' agreement). I'm not saying it's good or bad, that's just the law here. Holy crap. I would have burned down the capitol or Versailles or whatever is holy to the people in France forcing such an INTRUSION into the private lives of citizens. Part of me agrees with you. The other part of me thinks the biggest benefit would be that estates don't get held up in court like they do here. I know multiple people who despite a will have had one sibling fight and hold up an estate to the point court costs ate up most of what everyone received. I'm not for the government saying how someone has to break up their assets when the time comes but I'm also not a fan of people fighting in court just to get a little bit more money or to spite other family members.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 17:51:42 GMT -5
Alwaysbe, like I said, there are ways around it (and I'm sure that my ex will be using them to minimize what he leaves our DD).
I didn't write the laws lol.
ETA The other advantage (if there is one) is there seems to be a LOT less infighting / resentment about inheritances between siblings.
Moneymom, I hope your MIL surprises you (healthwise, I mean).
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 9, 2015 17:53:31 GMT -5
Alwaysbe, like I said, there are ways around it (and I'm sure that my ex will be using them to minimize what he leaves our DD). I didn't write the laws lol. I don't get why your ex-husband keep on punishing your DD for him leaving you when you were pregnant with her. What an ass!! It is his fault they don't have a relationship, not the other way around.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 17:59:46 GMT -5
I completely agree, Haitian, which is why I'm not so sure that law is so bad. She got little enough from him growing up. Why should he be entitled to disinherit her just because his second wife refused to let him see her (DD)? (The fact that he agreed to that does indeed prove that he is an ass.)
By the way, DD and her biodad DO finally have a VERY limited relationship, as of 3.5 years ago. She was 18 and in her first year of college when it finally happened. It's very limited. She has lunch with him once in a while, usually when DS2 or her aunt (her dad's sister) is present, because she feels more comfortable. She's away for a year now and I don't even know if she's still in contact with him by phone or email.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Mar 9, 2015 18:06:13 GMT -5
I really had good intentions here. A few of the posts make me sick to my stomach. I DO NOT want a penny. And at this point, I think my DD not inheriting while the other two do, is a non-issue. I'm 110% past all of that. MIL most likely has advanced stage lung cancer. She didn't complete all the tests they wanted to do. She left the hospital against medical advice. She is in severe pain as it appears it has moved to her bones and she has back fractures. At this point all we can do is pain management. That is the ONLY focus now. I'm sorry she left AMA. She's probably frightened and just doesn't want to deal with it. I think we can all understand that. Hopefully, she'll accept home help - possibly hospice if that's suitable at this point. I know this is difficult for all of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2015 18:10:11 GMT -5
Oh dear, I'm sorry, I missed the second update. I'm sorry she left AMA. It will be harder on her, and harder on you too.
Can you ask the hospital social worker to intervene, or to set up hospice? I don't know how exactly that works, but other people here could give you more concrete advice.
Best of luck to you in this difficult time, Moneymom.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Mar 9, 2015 21:05:50 GMT -5
I third or fourth calling in hospice.
According to my dad's wife, they were incredible in making sure he had what he needed t home, and were an invaluable resource to my dad's caretakers.
From what I understand, she needs a terminal diagnosis from her doctors. Her leaving AMA should not have any impact upon that.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Mar 10, 2015 9:06:36 GMT -5
Coach her on a dodge phrase in case the others ask her what she got. moneymom, possible answer: "Time with her while she was alive."
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Mar 10, 2015 14:44:30 GMT -5
I really had good intentions here. A few of the posts make me sick to my stomach. I DO NOT want a penny. And at this point, I think my DD not inheriting while the other two do, is a non-issue. I'm 110% past all of that. MIL most likely has advanced stage lung cancer. She didn't complete all the tests they wanted to do. She left the hospital against medical advice. She is in severe pain as it appears it has moved to her bones and she has back fractures. At this point all we can do is pain management. That is the ONLY focus now. You can PM me if you want. This is my field.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Mar 10, 2015 14:45:50 GMT -5
Holy crap. I would have burned down the capitol or Versailles or whatever is holy to the people in France forcing such an INTRUSION into the private lives of citizens. Part of me agrees with you. The other part of me thinks the biggest benefit would be that estates don't get held up in court like they do here. I know multiple people who despite a will have had one sibling fight and hold up an estate to the point court costs ate up most of what everyone received. I'm not for the government saying how someone has to break up their assets when the time comes but I'm also not a fan of people fighting in court just to get a little bit more money or to spite other family members. I can't wait for this to happen when/if my spouse dies. Even though they've been divorce for 10 years and his kids are adults and everything is shared and/or left to me. *sigh*
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Mar 10, 2015 14:46:36 GMT -5
Moneymom, I hope your MIL surprises you (healthwise, I mean). I hope so, but if she has bone fractures from the cancer, she needs to start planning her last few weeks/months, sadly.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Mar 11, 2015 10:19:44 GMT -5
Moneymom, I hope your MIL surprises you (healthwise, I mean). I hope so, but if she has bone fractures from the cancer, she needs to start planning her last few weeks/months, sadly. I assume this means the cancer has metastized into the bones? This is what happened with my mother's Pancreatic Cancer. The doctors estimated 6 months but she didn't want to go through radiation (and no one blamed her). She did try some quack stuff though. Be prepared for that.
The good thing was that we were able to plan a wonderful 70th birthday party for her. I will always remember the absolute joy she had on her face during that party. It was a great way to say goodbye. She died 5 days later. 41 days from diagnosis to death.
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