moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 6, 2015 15:06:09 GMT -5
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quince
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Post by quince on Mar 6, 2015 15:12:58 GMT -5
I think the important thing and the thing you can control is that she is not treated differently by you and her father.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 15:13:22 GMT -5
Well, it sucks that Grandma left the youngest out, but if you change things up so the olders get less you're doing the same thing.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Mar 6, 2015 15:32:06 GMT -5
Do the siblings of left-out kids ever equalize inheritances via gifting? I can see it being pretty easy to do if the inheritance is relatively small.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 15:44:17 GMT -5
I mean this nicely, but I think you should quit letting money have so much power to hurt you. You are the one who feels hurt by this scenario, not your daughter. She's too young. Until she's an adult, she hardly has to know even that her grandmother's assets were distributed without her.
Why not work on helping your daughter develop a relationship with her grandmother? That's the part that is sad in your post. That's what your daughter is losing out on, not some inheritance that might all be spent before her grandmother dies.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 6, 2015 15:53:20 GMT -5
If grandma doesn't want a relationship with your DD, the money part is going to seem like a natural outflow. You may be surprised at how your DD takes this information, especially since it will be her "norm."
If I had more personal integrity, I would have NEVER accepted money from an extended family member that I had less than desirable relationship with and that caused issues in my nuclear family. That's one of the few choices I wish I would have made differently, even though I used that money for college.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Mar 6, 2015 16:10:39 GMT -5
Info received from whom? Your MIL? One of your step kids?
I thought your DH was giving money to his mother for living expenses and she was passing it along to your SS. Doesn't sound like there's much of an estate to start with.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Mar 6, 2015 16:12:50 GMT -5
I don't know if this will take any of the sting away, but this situation is extremely common. I could easily see one of my grandmothers doing what you are describing, and not by accident or oversight. It's rather shocking how many older people are fixated on blood relatives, want to punish a child for a second marriage or second brood, or don't approve of trans-racial adoptions and write bequests that reflect those beliefs.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 6, 2015 16:16:40 GMT -5
Info received from whom? Your MIL? One of your step kids? I thought your DH was giving money to his mother for living expenses and she was passing it along to your SS. Doesn't sound like there's much of an estate to start with. He is. That makes it hurt more. She has no assets other than her home, but her home is paid off and it's worth a LOT.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 6, 2015 16:17:56 GMT -5
If grandma doesn't want a relationship with your DD, the money part is going to seem like a natural outflow. You may be surprised at how your DD takes this information, especially since it will be her "norm." If I had more personal integrity, I would have NEVER accepted money from an extended family member that I had less than desirable relationship with and that caused issues in my nuclear family. That's one of the few choices I wish I would have made differently, even though I used that money for college. You are SO right. It really isn't about the money itself...I just don't want DD feeling like she was excluded for negative reasons, because I don't think that's the case.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 6, 2015 16:18:38 GMT -5
I don't know if this will take any of the sting away, but this situation is extremely common. I could easily see one of my grandmothers doing what you are describing, and not by accident or oversight. It's rather shocking how many older people are fixated on blood relatives, want to punish a child for a second marriage or second brood, or don't approve of trans-racial adoptions and write bequests that reflect those beliefs. This breaks my heart.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 6, 2015 16:36:08 GMT -5
Info received from whom? Your MIL? One of your step kids? I thought your DH was giving money to his mother for living expenses and she was passing it along to your SS. Doesn't sound like there's much of an estate to start with. He is. That makes it hurt more. She has no assets other than her home, but her home is paid off and it's worth a LOT. So then why is he giving her money - especially since it appears that none will be flowing back him or to your DD (his second family)? That's directly akin (pun intended) to taking $$ away from your daughter/your nuclear family right now.
I'm not a big tit-for-tat person because that does nothing but cause problems, BUT - if her house is worth so much and she has "nothing" other than it, why doesn't she take out a reverse mortgage? Yeah they're not the best financial deal on the planet for people with their heads screwed on straight about money, but if she has "nothing" - well - she may have made a bunch of decisions over time that have left her without cash, BUT she has a house. It should work for her NOW. So what if there's "nothing left" to pass on to heirs; she should not be taking money from your family now and later passing it along to others and excluding your family who partially supported her. Sez me. YMMV
ETA: Anne beat me to it! AMEN ten times over to this: "I would not be giving her money so she can preserve an inheritance for someone else."
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 6, 2015 16:37:56 GMT -5
I'll be honest. I doubt it has anything to do with your daughter being adopted or a different race or anything other than your DH's "new" daughter. I think your MIL would be leaving her out even if she were your DH's biological child.
I think this has everything to do with your DH's current relationship with his two older kids. What his mom sees is that he got re-married, had another kid, and now he's "refusing" to support his two older kids. She sees him as having abandoned the first two in favor of the "new" family. Given that, she believes that if she were to leave anything to him, her two oldest grandkids, the grandkids to whom she is incredibly close, would get nothing, and you and your daughter would get it all - not just your DH's assets, but her assets as well. So, in order to make sure that her two oldest grandkids do get something from her, she's bypassing her son altogether and just giving straight to them.
I am NOT saying this is what your DH would actually do, just what I believe your MIL's perception of the situation is.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 6, 2015 16:40:14 GMT -5
I'll be honest. I doubt it has anything to do with your daughter being adopted or a different race or anything other than your DH's "new" daughter. I think your MIL would be leaving her out even if she were your DH's biological child.
I think this has everything to do with your DH's current relationship with his two older kids. What his mom sees is that he got re-married, had another kid, and now he's "refusing" to support his two older kids. She sees him as having abandoned the first two in favor of the "new" family. Given that, she believes that if she were to leave anything to him, her two oldest grandkids, the grandkids to whom she is incredibly close, would get nothing, and you and your daughter would get it all - not just your DH's assets, but her assets as well. So, in order to make sure that her two oldest grandkids do get something from her, she's bypassing her son altogether and just giving straight to them.
I am NOT saying this is what your DH would actually do, just what I believe your MIL's perception of the situation is. Then why is she taking money from the son?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 6, 2015 16:42:49 GMT -5
Your MIL is making a show by leaving her house to the older kids.
In turn your reaction is to punish the older children by reducing what you plan to give them and upping the amount to your daughter.
Anybody notice a trend?
You can't control what your MIL does or how she feels. You can only control your actions and what you choose to do. How about breaking the cycle of trying to control everyone via money and just give to the kids equally?
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Mar 6, 2015 16:45:10 GMT -5
This is going to sound mean, but if she's excluding your youngest, & yet expects you to contribute to her finances, I'd end whatever you give to her each month NOW. If she can afford to own an expensive house, she can sell it & move into something smaller, or figure out another way to finance her lifestyle (like maybe hitting up the 2 older grandkids). JMHO.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Mar 6, 2015 16:47:24 GMT -5
This is one of those things you don't have control over. It's her house, so she gets to decide what to do with it when she dies - pointless to fret over it.
Even if she does die and leaves a wad of cash for the other grandkids, how would your DD ever know, if you don't tell her? You can protect her feelings my making sure your DD never knows what grandma did.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 6, 2015 16:47:21 GMT -5
Your MIL is making a show by leaving her house to the older kids.
In turn your reaction is to punish the older children by reducing what you plan to give them and upping the amount to your daughter.
Anybody notice a trend?
You can't control what your MIL does or how she feels. You can only control your actions and what you choose to do. How about breaking the cycle of trying to control everyone via money and just give to the kids equally? Well I think we've been around the block a few times about this already (lol), and I agree with you EXCEPT if something should happen to DH before DD is 18. I believe interim provisions must be made to protect a minor child and the parent who is raising her. Once DD is 18 (or out of college, or no longer needing support however-they-define-it), THEN wills can be re-written or other divisions made.
This is a PERFECT example of why many folks keep their mouths firmly SHUT about their future plans. 1) Lots (and lots and lots) can change over time (and it almost certainly will), and 2) look at all the hurt feelings that happen.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Mar 6, 2015 16:51:02 GMT -5
kittensaver - The MIL is taking money from her son and giving it to her grandson. It all makes perfect internal logic. Her son hasn't abandoned her, but he has abandoned (in her mind) his two oldest children, so she is doing her part to redistribute the wealth.
I agree with NomoreDramaQ1015. moneymom and her DH, at least based on what she's posted here, seem to have a history of trying to control his older kids' actions via money, or withholding money when a kid withholds affection. I get why moneymom thinks of the older kids as "not her's" and the youngest as "her's". But her DH should not be making that distinction at all. All three kids ARE HIS. And when it comes to estate planning, they should be treated equally by him. (He deals with making sure the youngest is covered while she's still a dependent by making sure moneymom is covered. Obviously, wife should be treated differently than kids.)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 6, 2015 16:53:56 GMT -5
Well I think we've been around the block a few times about this already (lol), and I agree with you EXCEPT if something should happen to DH before DD is 18. I believe interim provisions must be made to protect a minor child and the parent who is raising her. Once DD is 18 (or out of college, or no longer needing support however-they-define-it), THEN wills can be re-written or other divisions made
I agree. That wasn't the reason though, the reason was a knee jerk response to the MIL sharing that the S-kids will *inherit* her house.
Which may or may not be a given for various reasons as people have stated. It's presented as a way to stick it to the S-kids b/c MIL is being biased.
Which may be in response to the S-son saying he was cut off from his dad. MIL is giving them the house b/c she thinks all the money is going to new DD and new wife.
The money semantics in this family are insanely convoluted, IMO.
This is a PERFECT example of why many folks keep their mouths firmly SHUT about their future plans.
Amen.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Mar 6, 2015 17:53:21 GMT -5
I'm glad my family and DH's family are both poor, so this will never be an issue.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 17:58:24 GMT -5
Can you talk to the two kids who will receive money and ask them to fix it by sharing?
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Mar 6, 2015 18:18:32 GMT -5
Can you talk to the two kids who will receive money and ask them to fix it by sharing? LOL!!! Please tell me you are kidding!!!! I stated above, it is not about the money. It's about the relationship. DD adores MIL and at this age or in the near future, none of this will matter because she will have no idea what occurred. However if she is much older, I am sure she will know how things happened and it could just really hurt her. I think a lot of my stress is over the fact that I feel WE are depriving DD in some ways. We adopted her when we were older so our parents are old and cannot have the same relationship that younger grandparents would have. Also, they will have much less time with DD than they had with the step kids. MIL is not in the best of health and she prefers no visitors. She's an extreme introvert. Although she is close to the step kids, she rarely sees them now. SS stops by to get money but SD has't seen her in probably well over a year (SS brings money home to SD). FWIW, we are NOT changing our trust. I just stated it crossed my mind because DD will not have much when all is said and done and it makes me sad. Skids are set to inherit a small fortune from their other grandparents plus MIL, and their mother (but she's not likely to have anything). Yes, our family dynamics are messed up. And we are trying to work on it. It gives us great peace of mind to have our trust done and it's basically one share to each kid.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Mar 6, 2015 18:28:36 GMT -5
:: However if she is much older, I am sure she will know how things happened and it could just really hurt her. ::
(Said with as much loving support as I can muster): Yes, a lot of things COULD happen. Whether they actually DO happen (or not) is another matter entirely. What steps can you take now to stop "borrowing trouble"? It will surely help your stress level.
Someone once said that depression is fear of the past, stress is fear of the now and anxiety is fear of the future. What can you do to just "live" in the now and accept your situation the way it is? Yes you are "older" parents which means the grandparents are even older. You can fret about it, or you can accept that that's the way it is, and enjoy what you have right in front of you, today. Take today for what it is, because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.
Easier said than done, I know, but worth striving for. JMHO
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Mar 6, 2015 18:31:20 GMT -5
Just some mindless musings: Is MIL really in danger of dying in the near future? What if it's not for 20 years? I don't know the whole story - but it sounds like her only asset is the "House" -- in other words if she lives another 15 or 20 years there may not BE the proceeds from a hosue to divide (cause maybe it got sold - if she needed any kind of long term care). Who knows where real estate values will be in the future. I've seen lots of really wonderful houses decay into "sold as is" derelict houses because the widow owning it didn't do any maintenance (either no $$ or the slow effects of dementia). Those wonderfully 'worth alot of money' houses - going for low double digit dollars per square foot (instead of over $100 dollars per square foot) because they've been neglected (leaking roof or pipes or gutters other structural problems because of lack of maintenance). Remember that it's ALWAYS difficult if not impossible to count your chickens before they are hatched. If it was me - I'd make sure my financials were in shape to make sure that my DD (and surviving spouse) were taken care if something were to happen to me... when the DD reaches a post college age and hopefully has launched I'd review my financials and then maybe set things up to benefit any of MY and MY SPOUSE'S grandchildren. By this time the Adult kids will have either sunk or learned to swim on their own... I'm cold cruel and heartless that way
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2015 19:41:22 GMT -5
Is anyone other than your husband contributing to your MIL's support?
My former FIL was the only one of nine children who made good, and he made really, really good. He "bought" his mother's house, which allowed her to live there with a decent amount of $$$ to live on. At the same time, it meant that his brothers and sisters, who were contributing $0, couldn't jump in after she died to claim it. It really was very fair.
He had the lump sum withal, which you guys probably don't. But I imagine you could get a lawyer to draw up papers that say your DH would be reimbursed from the sale of the house for the $$$ he is contributing to his mother's support.
She may not want to sign that. In that case, she doesn't really want your DH's support. Well, she does, but without strings. I wouldn't do it given what you know. You could explain it as a family reverse mortgage or whatever. It might help your DH and you from getting screwed. She can leave the remainder, if there is any, to whomever.
Something to think about . . .
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Mar 6, 2015 20:30:16 GMT -5
I woudn't tell your DD what happened to assets after the grandmother dies she will assume it went to the children not the other grandchildren. If she finds out anyhow explain that people decide what to do with inheritances and it sometimes doesn't make sense. She might get hurt but nothing you should do to fix it.
Mom and Dad had about 10 grandchildren, first 4 were 3 years apart and two sets of cousins, they took them on vacations and kept them a week at a time parents were happy with the grandchildren had bank accounts for them every thing was perfect. Then one brother divorced, had a baby with a girl then married a woman with 2 toddlers so they went from 4 to 7 in 6 months and 3 lived thousands of miles away. Their was a rumor about another with another women he knew between marriages but not sure she had a baby or he was the father. Then his wife had 3 more with him but we only saw them a few days every year or two so he had 2+3+maybe 1 then he divorced and married a woman with an adult daughter then he divorced and married one with a teen son so he had 2+1+3+2 or 3 more so maybe 9 total some we never met or saw once, second three from that marriage died in a fire so maybe 6 plus 2 cousins. The first 4 seemed more like grandkids the others not as much even if born to him and a wife or girl friend. Mom would have left money equally to his kids if he didn't outlive her but we wouldn't have found them all and one was in state care as an adult. It would have been more fair to leave to the healthy kids he adopted or had currently with current wife and nothing to handicapped or ones we never met that he didn't even know. But when mom died my brothers and I got all the assets so not a problem. The kids shouldn't be hurt no matter what an old person decides but they will if they know. My brother with 2 kids told his son he gets nothing it is all going to one grandson, nothing to either kid or granddaughter. He just thinks the grandson is the right one to handle the inheritance since he is young with handicapped sister and adult children don't need money. His son is hurt but knows it isn't a love thing.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Mar 6, 2015 20:35:56 GMT -5
I've never expected an inheritance and when my mom even mentioned it I told her I hope she enjoys what she has while she's alive and I could care less about being left anything. I guess that's a bonus in situations like this because I don't think what anyone else does with their money or assets is any of my business or anything for me to worry about or get angry over. Your MIL has a stronger relationship with her oldest grandkids because she was closer with them and babysat them when they were growing up. Maybe it's harder for her to have a relationship with your daughter because as others mentioned she's closer with the other grandchildren and quite frankly it's harder for her to form that type of relationship with your daughter given her age. I appreciate your posts because you don't shy away from what anyone says and take it in stride but you equate money with love way too much. As other posters mentioned your daughter isn't going to even think about money grandma left to her half brother and sister unless you tell her about it some day and there's no reason to.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Mar 6, 2015 20:45:24 GMT -5
When it comes to other people's money, I repeat the same mantra over and over again:
"If it was your money, you would have it in your control right now."
I have personally experienced people trying to control or manipulate me with money. Long ago I decided whatever money came my way, outside of my own earning potential, was a gift and should be treated as such. I do not expect any money from someone else and I do not count on any money I don't earn on my own. When I do receive a gift from my parents (they are the only ones in my life that gift me) I make a point to thank them graciously.
People do not control you with gifts of money. Your reaction to a supposed future gift to the grandchildren is very premature. No one has given anyone anything. No one has been excluded from anything at this point. One nursing home stay of any duration could easily wipe out whatever assets a person would have in a residential home. My own grandmother entered the nursing home and her care consumed all the assets she had including her home.
Put on your big girl panties and quit spinning around the kitchen about something that hasn't happened.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Mar 6, 2015 20:49:04 GMT -5
A possible fix. Put some money away as you go along for DD who has been left out. When granny passes, take the money out and give it to her saying that granny left that for her and not to discuss it with the other family members. Discretely handled, she will not know what the others got. Only that she was remembered.
Coach her on a dodge phrase in case the others ask her what she got.
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