UPDATE :( Being hurt by money

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2015 20:45:24 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

When it comes to other people's money, I repeat the same mantra over and over again:

"If it was your money, you would have it in your control right now."

I have personally experienced people trying to control or manipulate me with money. Long ago I decided whatever money came my way, outside of my own earning potential, was a gift and should be treated as such. I do not expect any money from someone else and I do not count on any money I don't earn on my own. When I do receive a gift from my parents (they are the only ones in my life that gift me) I make a point to thank them graciously.

People do not control you with gifts of money. Your reaction to a supposed future gift to the grandchildren is very premature.  No one has given anyone anything. No one has been excluded from anything at this point. One nursing home stay of any duration could easily wipe out whatever assets a person would have in a residential home.  My own grandmother entered the nursing home and her care consumed all the assets she had including her home. 

Put on your big girl panties and quit spinning around the kitchen about something that hasn't happened.

Yep.  I don't get get stressing about an inheritance that may never come to be.  My aunt owns three houses and left me one in her will, along with one to each of her two kids.  I'm definitely not spending any time figuring out what I'm going to do with that windfall in maybe 20 to 30 years.  LOL

[souldoubt]

Why? I don't see the point in teaching your child to equate money with love and going so far as to create a lie that your daughter has to be coached on to perpetuate.  To be blunt that just sounds like a terrible idea to me. Of all the people I've lost the feelings I have towards them have nothing to do with what I did or didn't get when they passed.  They have to do with what type of relationship we did or didn't have when they were alive.  

[Formerly SK]

I don't know why your DD would even find out about this, and why she would mind.  Some relative she doesn't know dies and leaves money to half sibs she doesn't know.  Why would she equate that with love or betrayal?  How would she even know about it if you didn't tell her?  Honestly, I have no idea what's in my grandmother's will and I really don't care.  If she gives some money to a cousin and not to me, serious it does not matter.  Death does not equate inheritance, and honestly it's disturbing to me that you don't seem to care about the lack of relationship, but you are up in arms about the money.  Grandma is old and can't handle visitors - nothing you can do about it.  Move on and create a loving network of family/friends your DD can grow up with.

There are ramifications to having children early in life and there are ramifications to having them late in life.  It is what it is.  I strongly encourage you to get counseling for yourself because it's pretty clear after all these posts that YOU equate money with love.  All these threads about parceling out money are really about love and who is worthy of it and who should get more/less. 

[cronewitch]

My grandmother gave her house to my cousin then her other money to my mom and aunt nothing for other grand kids. It was her choice, she decided one cousin needed a house because he is handicapped. Totally her right and a good choice. Mom could have been mad or my aunt or any other grand child but we weren't.

Unfair inheritances can be something to be upset by, but nothing you can control. My ex was raised by grand parents and we spend years working for them fixing up their house and doing all their chores, taking them shopping spending a couple days a week doing for them. The daughters did nothing for them then he was treated like he didn't count and the lazy aunts and cousins like they were respected. He finally decided that if he wasn't at least in the will we were leaving the state not staying to take care of them. There was an incident in 1976 that was a final straw so we moved to Seattle from Michigan since they choose the daughters and cousins over him let them take care of them.

[zibazinski]

I hate when money is used as the final F you to someone. 

[8 Bit WWBG]

Is talking to the grandmother out of the question?  The plans were shared prior to death, so it stands to reason that there'd be some discussion.

I think many "benevolent" reasons have been posited here as to how things are the way they are.  It may have zilch to do with payback or condemnation, and everything to do with whom the grandmother felt closest to.

[Artemis Windsong]

Mar 6, 2015 21:03:59 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

Why? I don't see the point in teaching your child to equate money with love and going so far as to create a lie that your daughter has to be coached on to perpetuate.  To be blunt that just sounds like a terrible idea to me. Of all the people I've lost the feelings I have towards them have nothing to do with what I did or didn't get when they passed.  They have to do with what type of relationship we did or didn't have when they were alive.  

I didn't see it as a lie.  I see it as sparing the tender feelings of the daughter.  A similar situation is a younger child at an older child's birthday party where there are ample gifts for the one and nothing for the youngest.  A couple of gifts were bought for the younger. 

Some people do not mind being cut out of the inheritance as commented here.

[emma1420]

If your step-kids are as much as a financial mess as you describe, I suspect your DD won't care when she is an adult.  Especially, if she has a decent job of her own.  At least I don't care what the hell happens to anyone's money.  It's theirs.  They earned it (well most of the time), they can spend it however they want.  In an ideal world they'd spend it all before they die.

i think when you have a good income of your own, then you generally stop worrying about what other people do with their money.  At least I'd rather earn my own than inherit someone else's.  

[zibazinski]

Be grateful your DD isn't going to turn out the financial and personal wrecks of the other two. I'd really keep her away from that influence as much as possible. 

[Deleted]

1) you say it's not the money, it's the relationship.
2) the very title of the thread says it's about the money.
3) there is a long pattern of you and your husband conflating relationships and money.

Have you considerd therapy? 

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2015 18:18:32 GMT -5 moneymom said:

Mar 6, 2015 17:58:24 GMT -5 @hickle said:

Can you talk to the two kids who will receive money and ask them to fix it by sharing?

LOL!!!  Please tell me you are kidding!!!!  

I stated above, it is not about the money.  It's about the relationship.  DD adores MIL and at this age or in the near future, none of this will matter because she will have no idea what occurred.  However if she is much older, I am sure she will know how things happened and it could just really hurt her.  

I think a lot of my stress is over the fact that I feel WE are depriving DD in some ways.  We adopted her when we were older so our parents are old and cannot have the same relationship that younger grandparents would have.  Also, they will have much less time with DD than they had with the step kids.  MIL is not in the best of health and she prefers no visitors.  She's an extreme introvert.  Although she is close to the step kids, she rarely sees them now.  SS stops by to get money but SD has't seen her in probably well over a year (SS brings money home to SD).  

FWIW, we are NOT changing our trust.  I just stated it crossed my mind because DD will not have much when all is said and done and it makes me sad.  Skids are set to inherit a small fortune from their other grandparents plus MIL, and their mother (but she's not likely to have anything).  

Yes, our family dynamics are messed up.  And we are trying to work on it.  It gives us great peace of mind to have our trust done and it's basically one share to each kid. 

You have NO IDEA what anyone is going to inherit or not inherit, and it doesn't matter!  Life is not about everyone getting the same things even in the same family.  I'm an "only" child with 4 brothers and a sister due to divorce/remarriage/adoption.  We have parents/grandparents we share and ones we don't.  Some have had college paid for, some not.  Some may inherit a great deal, others not as much.  Even in my own family, my two boys are 8 years apart with different paternal families.  It's doubtful younger son will get all the travel and experiences with his Dad that older son had/has with his, but I'm not going to throw more money at him to make up for it.  It is what it is.

[Angel!]

My Grandma died on Christmas. I am trying to imagine how I will feel if I find out my brother or cousins got a large inheritance and I get nothing. Honestly it doesn't really bother me. If that happens, it was her money and I'm sure she had her reasons. Maybe who she was closer to, maybe who helped her the most, maybe who she thinks needs it the most. At this point I'm assuming the kids get everything and grandkids get nothing, but who knows. And really it doesn't matter. If I get anything it will be a nice surprise. If I get nothing, I'm no worse off than before. I may never even find out if others got something.

I agree with those who say you seem to equate love with money. And your letting others peoples decision affect you too much. Maybe counseling?

[zibazinski]

I don't know. I'm huge on treating people the same. I had a fit until DH changed his will to make sure the 3 kids inherited equally. He raised his EX's 2 kids even though they were older when he married her. He refers to them as his kids and their kids as his grandkids. But his will left 75 per cent to bio and 12 1/2 to each of them. I wasn't having any of it. You're "my" kids until money's involved? That's just wrong. 

[souldoubt]

Mar 7, 2015 12:24:02 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I don't know. I'm huge on treating people the same. I had a fit until DH changed his will to make sure the 3 kids inherited equally. He raised his EX's 2 kids even though they were older when he married her. He refers to them as his kids and their kids as his grandkids. But his will left 75 per cent to bio and 12 1/2 to each of them. I wasn't having any of it. You're "my" kids until money's involved? That's just wrong. 

Which is fine when dealing with your money and assets that you and/or your DH will leave behind.  The OP is worried about what may or may not happen with someone elses money when the time comes.  What you or I consider fair has no bearing on what someone else does with their money nor should it for the OP because she has no control over it.  People have been telling mm for a while that she needs to remove money from the relationship equation and this thread just reinforces that.  Equating love with money or trying to control people with money isn't healthy and she does both of these. 

[zibazinski]

Or she could be like my Grandma who felt "blood" was everything. Her adopted grandchildren got zip/nada from her. I got her pearls and her Eastern Star ring. That's all I wanted. Even then she gave me her pearls before she died because she knew I'd never get them otherwise. I'm glad I have one girl.

[Deleted]

Mar 7, 2015 12:19:25 GMT -5 Angel! said:

My Grandma died on Christmas. I am trying to imagine how I will feel if I find out my brother or cousins got a large inheritance and I get nothing. Honestly it doesn't really bother me. If that happens, it was her money and I'm sure she had her reasons. Maybe who she was closer to, maybe who helped her the most, maybe who she thinks needs it the most. At this point I'm assuming the kids get everything and grandkids get nothing, but who knows. And really it doesn't matter. If I get anything it will be a nice surprise. If I get nothing, I'm no worse off than before. I may never even find out if others got something.

I agree with those who say you seem to equate love with money. And your letting others peoples decision affect you too much. Maybe counseling?

My Grandma died 4 years ago.  She had 8 kids and 50 some grandkids.  Nearly everything she left to two of her kids and maybe one of my cousins (not sure on that).  I honestly never thought much about it until now and still don't really care.  Those three took care of all her yardwork and snow shoveling, if something was broke, they'd fix it or get it fix.  After she couldn't drive anymore they took her to appointments and grocery shopping.  I'm sure some of her other kids would have helped out if they lived around here, but they're far away.

I don't imagine she had much.  Her house was paid for and I'm sure there was savings of some kind besides her SS as they were good with money and used to own a dairy farm that they sold to retire.  But still dividing it equally between 58 people? (and then there are the great grands and the great-great grands, how can you leave them out? )

[Robert not Bobby]

Mar 6, 2015 15:06:09 GMT -5 moneymom said:

you guys, this shouldn't bother me as much as it does.  While I'm not 100% sure of the details, I'm fairly certain info DH and I received seems accurate and very disappointing.

DH's mom has three grandkids.  Two are DH's adult children from his first marriage, and the third is our young adopted DD.  DH's mom is getting older and she got her estate planning done.  She is using another distant family member as an executor.  The info we received is that DH is being bypassed in the estate and the grandkids will inherit everything.  Here's the thing.  It's only DH's first two kids.  MIL had a great relationship with them when they were growing up, as she was a full time sitter for them and very close.  Now that she's older, she's much more distant to our adopted DD.  I am really hurt at the thought of my DD realizing one day that she was completely left out.  It really hurts me more because she's adopted and it can really be taken in the wrong way.  It is what it is, and I need to just get it out of my mind.  However we are completing our trust and it's actually crossed my mind that maybe we should change things a bit since the adult kids are inheriting from two grandparents and DD is inheriting from none.  I doubt we'll change anything, but again, I just don't want DD to ever feel like she was treated differently than the other kids.  

Just hug your DD and make her feel as special as she is...the rest, while disappointing, is out of your control. Take the time to explain it well. I hate family dramas, but it happens.

[Miss Tequila]

It is your MIL's money to do with as she sees fit. There is no reason for your dd to ever know what the other kids received.

When my mil died she had left more to my niece and nephew than she did to my two kids. It was only because each year she deposited a certain amount into CDs for the kids and my niece and nephew are 8 and 12 years older than my kids. My kids have no idea what they were left versus my niece and nephew and they never will. Mil could have caught my kids up but she didn't . Quite honestly, I wish she spent the money on herself and left nine of the kids anything because she could have had a better life

[Deleted]

LOL

My kids are playing next to me while I'm putzing on the computer.  I told them I was going to leave all my money to whichever one was the nicest to me and took care of me in my old age.  Oldest didn't even look up from his ipod, he just said, "Eli, you can have the money".

[Bonny]

Mar 7, 2015 16:24:30 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

LOL

My kids are playing next to me while I'm putzing on the computer.  I told them I was going to leave all my money to whichever one was the nicest to me and took care of me in my old age.  Oldest didn't even look up from his ipod, he just said, "Eli, you can have the money".

Have you considered adopting out?

[moneymom]

Thanks guys.  I've read each response and slept on it and I'm totally over it already.  I think it was the initial shocker in hearing the news that just caught me off guard.  I am confident this will be a non-issue from here on out. 

[Deleted]

Out of curiosity, who did you hear it from? 

[Deleted]

My secondary beneficiary is the dog! I'm kidding, but that's what I tell my kids.  My DIL says it's an improvement over the cat my ex and I used to have.  She isn't allergic to the dog. 

[Deleted]

Mar 7, 2015 10:12:53 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Be grateful your DD isn't going to turn out the financial and personal wrecks of the other two. I'd really keep her away from that influence as much as possible. 

I'm not sure this is a foregone conclusion. As both her parents seem to treat money as an integral part of relatonships, I'm not sure she's going to escape without being influenced? 

[Deleted]

I'm glad you're feeling better about it Moneymom, because I have a newsflash for you ... it's her money, and she can do whatever she wants with it. 

Where I live (France), for better or worse, you have to leave equal shares to your children or your grandchildren, unless a child is disabled, in which case that child is entitled to more (but only with the siblings' agreement). I'm not saying it's good or bad, that's just the law here. 

But in the US, like it or not, your MIL can do whatever she wants with her assets. Even here, there are ways to bypass or at least attenuate the laws.

My outlaws (ex-inlaws) were always been blatantly unfair in regards to their grandchildren. It hurts, but it is what it is, and it was out of my control, so I figured it really wasn't worth worrying about. As they have aged (they are both in their late 80s now) they have become somewhat less unfair (or at least it's less blatant). 

But keep in mind that if your DD feels slighted within the next years, it will be because of what she hears from YOU. Your MIL isn't going to advertise her double standards, and the two older kids you and your DH don't have a great relationship with won't come over to gloat in front of your DD. So, you really need to watch what YOU say, obviously, but you also need to really watch how YOU "leak". 

My DD ended up figuring it out for herself, which was inevitable in her case. But, she was 18 when that happened, and therefore that much older / stronger / better equipped to deal with it when she finally did. But she figured it out for herself, she certainly didn't hear about it from me.

Life isn't fair. The faster you integrate that valuable life lesson, and help your DD integrate it, the happier you'll both be.

[moneymom]

Mar 6, 2015 18:31:20 GMT -5 Tiny said:

Just some mindless musings:

Is MIL really in danger of dying in the near future?  What if it's not for 20 years?  I don't know the whole story - but it sounds like her only asset is the "House" -- in other words if she lives another 15 or 20 years there may not BE the proceeds from a hosue to divide (cause maybe it got sold - if she needed any kind of long term care).   

Who knows where real estate values will be in the future.   I've seen lots of really wonderful houses decay into "sold as is" derelict houses because the widow owning it didn't do any maintenance (either no $$ or the slow effects of dementia).  Those wonderfully 'worth alot of money' houses - going for low double digit dollars per square foot (instead of over $100 dollars per square foot)   because they've been neglected (leaking roof or pipes or gutters other structural problems because of lack of maintenance). 

Remember that it's ALWAYS difficult if not impossible to count your chickens before they are hatched. 

If it was me - I'd make sure my financials were in shape to make sure that my DD (and surviving spouse) were taken care if something were to happen to me... when the DD reaches a post college age and hopefully has launched I'd review my financials and then maybe set things up to benefit any of MY and MY SPOUSE'S grandchildren.   By this time the Adult kids will have either sunk or learned to swim on their own...   I'm cold cruel and heartless that way

Just updated OP.  I cannot believe this is happening.  

We are not sure the trust is finalized.  DH is the only one that takes care of her and I don't think a time like this is a good time to bring all this trust stuff up BUT we never heard from her mouth that her assets should go to the grandkids only and I'm wondering if DH should ask if that is her wishes just so we grant them if the trust wasn't completed.  This is all so awkward and I want us just to focus on her health but I don't know... don't want to regret things in the future either.  

[Deleted]

Mar 8, 2015 16:26:53 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

It's honestly hard not to sound offensive, but I don't really mean to. I just don't think you have any idea how fixated you sound on money sometimes.

If one of my kids asked me how I wanted my assets distributed as I lay in a hospital bed after just receiving the diagnosis of cancer, I probably would leave it all to the dog (or Humane Society).

Glad you said it, but it was just what I was thinking. 

[Deleted]

I think you need to take care of your own $, not other peoples $.

[souldoubt]

So I just read the update and I'm sorry to hear it but you're still mentioning money and her trust. Whether or not it's set up isn't something you should be worrying about this minute or at all since its out of your control. 

[moneymom]

okay, apparently i'm just crazy.  She's in serious condition right now and I thought when things are this serious it was normal protocol to find out final wishes.  We have no idea how she wants to be buried, or cremated, or anything.  And we may never know at this point.  We are the ONLY people taking care of her.  She has nobody else.  And for the record, I seriously don't want a penny.  I want her to be healthy and have a good relationship with us. I guess that might be too late.