I'm a hot YM mess.

[wonderland]

I use to post on these boards several years ago, but I don't know my log on and the email server that I had registered with has now shut down, so I created a new account.

I'm 30, married and have 1 daughter, age 2. I work as an RN, I make ~ $40/hr, sometimes more with shift differentials and overtime. My hours are variable, with as much overtime as I want. They would let me work 20 hr days 7 days a week if I were willing. As it stands I usually work about 36 hours a week. We live in a LCOLA.

DH doesn't make much, roughly $35k/ year, but he has excellent benefits and is currently in grad school to be a librarian, which will hopefully give him a little more earning potential. His employer will reimburse him at the end of each semester, but we have to front the tuition money and he has to earn high grades. So far, we have been able to manage this.

The bad: I am in debt up to my eyeballs. I have followed YM for 10 years, was always very frugal and careful with my money, until DD came along. My goodness, it is easy to bleed money when you have children! I find myself spending way too much on clothes and toys and shoes for her. She is 2 and has 13, yes 13, pairs of shoes. We also take more family vacations and the like, in order to give her the ideal childhood that neither of us had.

I had about $20000 in debt leftover from college. My original plan was to pay that off my first year as a nurse, but plans change. We got pregnant with our very planned and anticipated child,so our savings went to that instead.

The day DD was born we had $15,000 in savings. Now we have nothing, plus $10k more in credit card debt. It is completely my fault. I feel like a failure.

I went through some intense anxiety and depression the first year and a half of dd ' s life. I'm still not all the way back to "me", but I'm getting there.

The plan for the coming year is to pay down the debt, Re-establish some savings, and practice self control with shopping and spending. We have cut cable and got a roku, we have cheap cell phone plans.

I am working on cutting the grocery bill some. Right now we spend about $200/week, and have a lot of waste. I also spend far too much money on food and water at work because I'm too lazy to get up 15 minutes early and pack a lunch. Water at work is $1.55 a bottle.

I will also only shop at second hand stores for clothing except for special occasions, such as easter dress, birthday, etc. This has to hurt a bit or I won't change, and not shopping at name brand, new places will hurt for sure.

Anyhow, I just wanted to re-introduce myself and give a little background info. So much has changed in the past few years. I feel like a complete idiot, and I know that it is nobody's fault but my own. I keep falling into this trap of "I make a lot of money, so it won't be too hard to pay off" but that is so, so wrong. Time to start digging out of this hole.

[mmhmm]

Welcome back, wonderland. Sorry you're feeling so down on yourself, but we all make mistakes. The trick is to learn from them and work forward. There's plenty of help here for you, so join in! 

For today, though, happy holidays to you and yours! 

[trimommy]

I hear you on the lure of family vacations! We also have some debt and little savings, but went on three family vacations this year. It is so easy to justify in the name of memories and "only X age once!" I am with you on 2015 being the year to turn it all around. Good luck!

[bookkeeper]

Your debt is one of the few negatives in your life.  Embrace a few staycations and save your money. You need to save some money and get a couple thousand $$ in the cookie jar.  I doubt your kids will remember any events/locations until they are 5 or 6 years old.

Stop watching TV. Television tells you what you should want to own, should want to think, should want to buy. Read a book and lose yourself in a story instead. Children can be very expensive, we have two grown sons so I know, but some expenses are for you and not them. For instance, my DH never had a mini bike or dirt bike as a kid.  Guess what, he bought two for our kids brand new.  This was not really for our sons, it was for our sons to ride with their Dad.  I need to add that he had to borrow the money to buy them and I refused to cosign.  I always held the belief that one should pay for their fun as they go along.  He got to pay for those dirt bikes for quite a while.

You, now, are going to get to pay for the stuff you have charged on your card, for quite a while.  The first step to a better life is to start living within your means.  Make a goal to pay off your CC in full and then pay the balance every month. 

Be the master of your finances, you can do it!

[gooddecisions]

Welcome back! You can still buy plenty of toys, clothes and shoes without spending a lot of money. I also have a toddler and infant and buy pretty much everything second hand. I get adorable Janie & Jack outfits, Zackali4kids, Nordstrom and so on for a buck or 2 per outfit. These are outfits that normally retail for $100 and are in perfect condition. If I wanted, I could turn around and sell them for more than I purchased, but instead I don't worried about keeping them in mint condition. I have two girls anyway, so I need to save it all for the second.

I don't know if I can get away with this when they are older, but for now I'm taking full advantage. I buy all the toys from the neighborhood facebook yard sale page. I spent $100 on Christmas and have a disgusting display of toys that are about to come out of the closet.

We also go on a week long beach vacation, a week long florida vacation and a mountain/ski weekend trip every year. I budget $2k total/year for those vacation and just search, search, search until I find the right deal. I don't feel like we sacrifice at all. Even though I used the word "budget," I really don't use a strict budget.

I can't help you with food. I'm terrible at that as well and as a full-time working mom of two, I don't have the time or energy to coupon.

You can do this!

[Deleted]

Welcome back! 

Its hard to manage money when depressed. Especially when depressed and handling life changes. 

Im sure we'll get go details, but for starters, 2 year olds don't remember anything. As long  as they are feeling secure and safe and have their basic needs met they don't care and won't remember what they wear or eat or see... Don't feel like some austerity now will spoil her childhood. Think of it as getting things in line so you will have the opportunities to make choices later, when they will matter/ she will remember. 

[Blonde Granny]

Welcome back wonderland!  Recognizing the problem and what can be changed is the first step toward financial success.  Onward and upward.....

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 19:51:32 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Your debt is one of the few negatives in your life.  Embrace a few staycations and save your money. You need to save some money and get a couple thousand $$ in the cookie jar.  I doubt your kids will remember any events/locations until they are 5 or 6 years old.

Stop watching TV. Television tells you what you should want to own, should want to think, should want to buy. Read a book and lose yourself in a story instead. Children can be very expensive, we have two grown sons so I know, but some expenses are for you and not them. For instance, my DH never had a mini bike or dirt bike as a kid.  Guess what, he bought two for our kids brand new.  This was not really for our sons, it was for our sons to ride with their Dad.  I need to add that he had to borrow the money to buy them and I refused to cosign.  I always held the belief that one should pay for their fun as they go along.  He got to pay for those dirt bikes for quite a while.

You, now, are going to get to pay for the stuff you have charged on your card, for quite a while.  The first step to a better life is to start living within your means.  Make a goal to pay off your CC in full and then pay the balance every month. 

Be the master of your finances, you can do it!

We actually have been without a tv since July. A bad storm hit our cable line and fried all our tv's and our modem. FIL gave us a new TV for Christmas about a week ago, and now we only have an antenna and ROKU. We don't have time to watch much TV anyhow.

[phil5185]

A couple things jump out -

She is 2 and has 13, yes 13, pairs of shoes. We also take more family vacations and the like, in order to give her the ideal childhood

Two year olds don't care how many shoes they have (she doesn't count, remember?)  And she doesn't care a lot about vacations, attention spans aren't that long at age 2. That means that those things are for MOMMY, not for chilld.

and is currently in grad school to be a librarian, which will hopefully give him a little more earning potential.

Have you researched this? I doubt that a grad degree in library will pay much above his current wage - but I could be wrong. Just make certain that the Degree is marketable, rather than a waste of time and money.

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 19:57:21 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Welcome back! You can still buy plenty of toys, clothes and shoes without spending a lot of money. I also have a toddler and infant and buy pretty much everything second hand. I get adorable Janie & Jack outfits, Zackali4kids, Nordstrom and so on for a buck or 2 per outfit. These are outfits that normally retail for $100 and are in perfect condition. If I wanted, I could turn around and sell them for more than I purchased, but instead I don't worried about keeping them in mint condition. I have two girls anyway, so I need to save it all for the second.

I don't know if I can get away with this when they are older, but for now I'm taking full advantage. I buy all the toys from the neighborhood facebook yard sale page. I spent $100 on Christmas and have a disgusting display of toys that are about to come out of the closet.

We also go on a week long beach vacation, a week long florida vacation and a mountain/ski weekend trip every year. I budget $2k total/year for those vacation and just search, search, search until I find the right deal. I don't feel like we sacrifice at all. Even though I used the word "budget," I really don't use a strict budget.

I can't help you with food. I'm terrible at that as well and as a full-time working mom of two, I don't have the time or energy to coupon.

You can do this!

You're right. I guess I just grew up poor and I don't want DD to ever know what that feels like, so buying secondhand clothes and toys felt like cheating her somehow. It's totally an irrational/emotional thing. We're done buying any toys or clothes for a while, she has far too much.

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 20:06:02 GMT -5 phil5185 said:

A couple things jump out -

She is 2 and has 13, yes 13, pairs of shoes. We also take more family vacations and the like, in order to give her the ideal childhood

Two year olds don't care how many shoes they have (she doesn't count, remember?)  And she doesn't care a lot about vacations, attention spans aren't that long at age 2. That means that those things are for MOMMY, not for chilld.

and is currently in grad school to be a librarian, which will hopefully give him a little more earning potential.

Have you researched this? I doubt that a grad degree in library will pay much above his current wage - but I could be wrong. Just make certain that the Degree is marketable, rather than a waste of time and money.

We have researched this. The jobs are hard to come by but they pay well. His dad and stepmother are both librarians and each make in the low $70's. Granted, they are toward the end of their careers, but we anticipate a starting salary on the low 40 ' s with growth potential.

And you're right, she doesn't need so many shoes. She can count to twenty, and she does love shoes, but I realize it is a waste of money, especially since she will outgrow in a few months. Some are necessary though. We live in an area that gets a good snow each winter, so snow boots, plus rain boots, dress shoes, play shoes, nice casual shoes, all are necessary.

[mmhmm]

Something that might help you put things in perspective is this: It's not bad for kids, necessarily, to learn what it's like to be poor. That lesson gives you two very important things to take forward with you - a knowledge of what you don't want to repeat, and empathy. Those are valuable commodities too often missed these days.

[msventoux]

Dec 24, 2014 20:23:38 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Something that might help you put things in perspective is this: It's not bad for kids, necessarily, to learn what it's like to be poor. That lesson gives you two very important things to take forward with you - a knowledge of what you don't want to repeat, and empathy. Those are valuable commodities too often missed these days.

And if the parents are stressed out about money, that will trickle down to the kids.  That's not good for the kids either.

[justme]

I don't know how much you have put into his degree and how much you've researched the openings in your area, or if you're willing to relocate to follow an opening for him, but if you're putting a lot of money into his degree I would definitely double check it a lot of he's not that far into it. From all I know and have read librarians are a dying breed - not because they're aren't enough to fill a job but because the internet is killing the need.

Hell from what I know a lot of elementary, middle and high schools don't have librarians/media specialist now.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Welcome back, and congrats on your little one.     Best of luck to you with your financial goals.

[souldoubt]

My earliest memories weren't of vacations they're random flashes with the oldest being of me running around the house in my one piece pajamas. My mom has asked me over the years if I remember her taking me certain places when I was young and unfortunately for her I don't. The vacations I first remember are from when I was maybe 7 or older and the most important thing was being with family and friends and not what they cost or where they were. Better to build a solid financial foundation now rather that living a lifestyle you can't quite afford. Pretty sure the parents in here will tell you kids only get more expensive once sports and school start. Good luck. 

[zibazinski]

Glad you're a nurse because if your DH manages to score a job as a librarian, you might need to move around. Who told him this was a good career choices? It's like paralegal school. Colleges still push it and law firms hire lawyers instead because there's a glut of them looking for jobs. If I can hire a lawyer for 40k, why would I hire a paralegal for that?

[gooddecisions]

Dec 24, 2014 20:07:08 GMT -5 wonderland said:

Dec 24, 2014 19:57:21 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

Welcome back! You can still buy plenty of toys, clothes and shoes without spending a lot of money. I also have a toddler and infant and buy pretty much everything second hand. I get adorable Janie & Jack outfits, Zackali4kids, Nordstrom and so on for a buck or 2 per outfit. These are outfits that normally retail for $100 and are in perfect condition. If I wanted, I could turn around and sell them for more than I purchased, but instead I don't worried about keeping them in mint condition. I have two girls anyway, so I need to save it all for the second.

I don't know if I can get away with this when they are older, but for now I'm taking full advantage. I buy all the toys from the neighborhood facebook yard sale page. I spent $100 on Christmas and have a disgusting display of toys that are about to come out of the closet.

We also go on a week long beach vacation, a week long florida vacation and a mountain/ski weekend trip every year. I budget $2k total/year for those vacation and just search, search, search until I find the right deal. I don't feel like we sacrifice at all. Even though I used the word "budget," I really don't use a strict budget.

I can't help you with food. I'm terrible at that as well and as a full-time working mom of two, I don't have the time or energy to coupon.

You can do this!

You're right. I guess I just grew up poor and I don't want DD to ever know what that feels like, so buying secondhand clothes and toys felt like cheating her somehow. It's totally an irrational/emotional thing. We're done buying any toys or clothes for a while, she has far too much.

I grew up poor, too. Welfare, food stamps, the school free lunch program and goodwill for me as well. Growing up this way actually helped me realize it's not necessary to spend a lot of money to be happy. Our combined income is over $250K. I don't do it because I can't afford it, it just isn't a good use of our money and I want to retire one day!

[Deleted]

Second hand clothes isn't about being poor. It's about setting priorities. You have only so many resources... Where do they go? Buying used allows you to purchase other things.. Like security right now. Which you need. Because the 'feeling of poor' isn't really limiting yourself to 2 pair of shoes... It's not knowing where your next meal is coming from, or if you'll lose the house... Those are the 'poor' feelings you can save her from.

My daughter still till loves the community aide better than any other clothes store (although she does get cheap leggings on amazon).... But they went to Europe this year, again. Choices. Never too early or late to learn its all about choices. 

[dannylion]

Maybe it would help not to think of not buying things as deprivation but as a choice you make freely in order to have something more valuable. Instead of thinking "I can't have more shoes," think of it as "I am choosing not to by more shoes so I can establish an emergency fund or college fund, pay for life insurance, health insurance, dance/music/art/science/computer/whatever lessons, or whatever other non-material-thing you know will improve the quality of your family's life or expose them to a new skill or opportunity. Beyond basic decency and protection from the elements, clothing does not improve the quality of your life to the same extent that other options for your money would. 

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 20:41:04 GMT -5 justme said:

I don't know how much you have put into his degree and how much you've researched the openings in your area, or if you're willing to relocate to follow an opening for him, but if you're putting a lot of money into his degree I would definitely double check it a lot of he's not that far into it. From all I know and have read librarians are a dying breed - not because they're aren't enough to fill a job but because the internet is killing the need.

Hell from what I know a lot of elementary, middle and high schools don't have librarians/media specialist now.

DH ' S dad and stepmother work at a university library. One is a medical librarian, the other is a reference librarian. The job is changing more towards technology based, but there is still a need.
And the current slew of librarians is set to retire soon, leaving jobs open.

I am willing and hoping to relocate when he graduates. I don't like our current town. In the end, all we will have invested is books, because him employer reimburses him at the end of each semester, assuming he maintains passing grades.

We both know that the field is not as promising as some others out there, but this is the best he was willing to do. He has a bachelor's in english, an associates in medical office management, and now he will have the MLS. I desperately need him to pursue a decent paying career and remove some of the weight from my shoulders. He wants me to home school the little one and I can't maintain my current work pace and home school too, it's too much, but his take home just won't support a family.

[Deleted]

I'm assuming his degree is Information Science/Tech, rather than library science...

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 22:44:53 GMT -5 oped said:

I'm assuming his degree is Information Science/Tech, rather than library science...

The Degree is master's in library and information science.

Edited to correct degree title.

[Deleted]

Maybe he could be the one to homeschool? 

Remember nontraditional libraries as well, I have a friend who works in a prison library. Good benefits, ok pay.

[wonderland]

Dec 24, 2014 22:48:54 GMT -5 oped said:

Maybe he could be the one to homeschool? 

Remember nontraditional libraries as well, I have a friend who works in a prison library. Good benefits, ok pay.

He is not interested in doing the homeschooling at all. Says he has to work full time. Some weird macho thing.

I'll mention the prison library to him. I hadn't thought of that.

[busymom]

Welcome back!

First, have the confidence that you CAN dig yourself out.  I'm afraid I agree with the others that young kids don't remember family vacations.  The biggest vacation my family growing up ever took was when I was in 5th grade, & even at that age I don't remember much.  For the time being, hanging out with Mom & Dad is usually a young child's favorite thing to do. 

After digging myself out of debt, I frequent the resale shops now.  I worked a number of years for a few different major retailers, both in the back office & on the sales floor, & I can tell you "new" isn't quite as appealing once your discover how often people leave clothes on the fitting room floors.  Staff simply refolds or rehangs it, & puts it back.  Also, find out if Facebook has group in your area, like a "garage sale" group.  Often people post pictures of children's clothing for sale at fantastic prices!  Finally, write up a plan for how you're going to attack your debt.  I've mentioned before I made up a chart, & used highlighters in my favorite colors to show progress.  Whatever you draw up, do something that motivates you.

Now, go get 'em! 

[Apple]

You've started to make some steps (no cable, etc), and that's great!  

What I believe you should do next is really try to figure out what your priorities are, because you can use that to prioritize where you choose to spend money.  This is very personalized, and your priorities will be much different than others.

That's what I did when I got divorced and became a single mom (ex has only seen the kiddo maybe three times in the last 14 years, and child support is sporatic, so I really needed to figure out how to make it work).  What did I want?  My own house (in the end, I kept the house, it was less expensive than renting), private school for DS until at least 3rd grade (because the schools here aren't great, and I wanted him to have a good start), travel.  That was it.  Out of everything I could spend money on, these three things were what were important to me.

So, I didn't buy new (or "new to me") cars, I made do with what I had, until it died or, in the case of the truck, the money on gas was killing me.  When I did finally have to buy a car, in 2002, I bought a '92 Honda Accord from a friend for $2k (later sold it to my brother, he gave it back, and I still have it).  I have another car now as well, but it was also used, and it doesn't look pretty, but it runs great.

I rarely eat out.  I make dinner pretty much every night, with enough for leftovers, even though I'm gone 12+ hours a day.  

I don't have cable, because I look at how much it costs and I know I can pay at least two of my necessary bills (like electricity and gas), with the money not spent on tv.

I know my priorities, and so I don't feel guilty spending less elsewhere.  I don't feel like I'm depriving my son by him not having all the latest clothes and gadgets, because I know I am giving him other things I value more (like the travel).

When I get tempted to buy something, I think about my priorities and wonder "will this cut into my vacation budget"?  If so, it's usually enough to make me really think about the purchase.

Find your priorities and make some goals.  Hopefully that helps put you in the frame of mind to spend less/save more.  You really can do it!

[trimommy]

I am 32 with an MLIS degree and kids ages 6 and 8. I earn $70K as the Executive Director of a non-profit organization. An MLIS degree provides a strong backbone for a wide array of careers. Do not be fixated on actual librarianship or you (and your husband) might be disappointed and/or overlook a number of opportunities right in front of you.

But I also want to stay positive about your situation. Although I mostly lurk, I have been a member and posting for over 10 years, coming from the old MSN boards (just adding that since I didn't chime in on the other thread and can kill two birds with this one stone). I find posters here can jump quickly on the negative in the vein of being realistic rather than supportive and encouraging. You can do this!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. 

[cronewitch]

Hi, welcome, enjoy your little girl hope Santa is good to her.

[Deleted]

Dec 24, 2014 22:42:12 GMT -5 wonderland said:

Dec 24, 2014 20:41:04 GMT -5 justme said:

I don't know how much you have put into his degree and how much you've researched the openings in your area, or if you're willing to relocate to follow an opening for him, but if you're putting a lot of money into his degree I would definitely double check it a lot of he's not that far into it. From all I know and have read librarians are a dying breed - not because they're aren't enough to fill a job but because the internet is killing the need.

Hell from what I know a lot of elementary, middle and high schools don't have librarians/media specialist now.

DH ' S dad and stepmother work at a university library. One is a medical librarian, the other is a reference librarian. The job is changing more towards technology based, but there is still a need.
And the current slew of librarians is set to retire soon, leaving jobs open.

I am willing and hoping to relocate when he graduates. I don't like our current town. In the end, all we will have invested is books, because him employer reimburses him at the end of each semester, assuming he maintains passing grades.

We both know that the field is not as promising as some others out there, but this is the best he was willing to do. He has a bachelor's in english, an associates in medical office management, and now he will have the MLS. I desperately need him to pursue a decent paying career and remove some of the weight from my shoulders. He wants me to home school the little one and I can't maintain my current work pace and home school too, it's too much, but his take home just won't support a family.

I got my MLIS in 2008 but don't use it except within my English classroom.  What I noticed about the people who were part of my cohort were that they were smart people in a wide range of fields who couldn't seem to find the right niche for them.  It is like all the people who decide to go to law school for the same reason.  It is a second chance field.

However, don't believe that line about the current slew of librarians retiring soon, leaving jobs open.  They were spinning that back in 2006, almost ten years ago and the jobs aren't there. According to the Occupational Handbook, "Employment of librarians is projected to grow 7 percent from 2012 to 2022, slower than the average for all occupations."  That would scare me a little.

However, you weren't really asking for career advice for your husband.  I understand that.