DD & MIL's Issues

[Deleted]

"He knows better"? What if he has no impulse control? 

Who is the boy/man? Is that the neighbor boy that MIL is saying came into her house?
And in the next sentence you refer to her - "keep her from getting any help with him" - who are you talking about? neighbor's mother, boy/man mother?

Totally agree with your statement to hubby - HE needs to be the one telling her anything & why didn't he say it while he was back already??

Doesn't matter if the kid has felony charges already. You/DH have a duty to protect MIL. You don't get to decide not to prosecute for harassment/trespassing. What if he is 'testing' and he escalates? Even if you file the complaint the police/DA may not choose to pursue it since everyone now has the impression the ladies in that house are crazy! He may also have decided that he keeps getting blamed for being over there, so he might as well go steal shit, including joy riding in the car or whatever.

[mollyanna58]

I'm so sorry this has gotten worse, Pat. 

[busymom]

So sorry, Pat!   Any idea if she's off her meds again?  Of course, her sister moving out may be the cause of things progressing too.

[Deleted]

Is it possible that you can have her stay at your house for a week, make sure she takes meds & eats properly? Just as a test to see how she is if she is well cared for. Could be that she is having small strokes. Does her doctor check for that?

Does she use any support mechanisms like carrying a little notebook for a daily journal?

I am so sorry to hear that she has such an erratic and suddenly dramatic issue. Not sure on calling the cousin. You knew that MIL knew they left with sister based on soup-night conversations. Talking must be how you calm yourself down 

[busymom]

BTW, I DO feel your pain, as far as short-term memory is concerned. Visiting Mom last week, she must've asked me 4 times in 10 minutes what day of the week it was...

[Blonde Granny]

Your DH won't be back for over a month. I'd start singing the song " Good old Texas here we come, right back where we started from, good old Texas here we come". (excuse me California for altering your song".

Time to leave Pat, tell DH you're taking DD and he'd best come back to take care of his Mother. After he's done that you can go back.

[CCL]

Jun 22, 2015 14:24:02 GMT -5 busymom said:

BTW, I DO feel your pain, as far as short-term memory is concerned. Visiting Mom last week, she must've asked me 4 times in 10 minutes what day of the week it was...

Don't know if it would help in your case, since they are all different, but when my mom couldn't remember days of week, time of day, or sometimes what month it was, I got her an atomic clock/calendar/thermometer. She loved it.

[seriousthistime]

I have to say I agree with Blonde Granny.

We all have excuses for why we do one thing vs. another.  The water pump, the lawn-mowing, the other things -- all those are just excuses when you have money to throw at them.  I think there's a big difference between "excuses" and "reasons why."  If you didn't have the money, I'd say that was a pretty good reason why.  But you do, so it's just an excuse. 

Two airline tickets out of Indy, one month at a Hyatt Regency, a month of meals and incidentals -- you can afford it.  Sure, it's less money left at the end of the road, but now is when you need to spend it. 

Give yourself permission to spend the money to keep your sanity.  Take a vacation.  You will appreciate it far more now than when you are 90. 

[Ombud]

Jun 22, 2015 20:14:46 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

Two airline tickets out of Indy, one month at a Hyatt Regency, a month of meals and incidentals -- you can afford it

And deserve it. So just go. It'll be healthy for you

[busymom]

I don't know how much it costs to put a water pump into a motorhome, but it's not that expensive for a car. I'd pay someone to do it, & get out of Dodge until your DH is back to deal with all of this. JMHO.

[Deleted]

While patstab does not WANT to deal with this, it does not mean she isn't going to deal with it at least minimally. Some of you guys surprise me, you would treat a stranger better than what you are suggesting patstab do with her MIL by running away. Patstab has drawn some lines, but I don't think she is going to fully abandon the situation. While it's nice to dream about taking off or put it off on DH, marriage is a sharing of responsibilities.

Yes, it would be better if her DH were home and dealing with it, but they made a choice for their family and his work is overseas to earn as much as possible in the fastest timeline possible. So the trade off on that leaves Pat to stand in his place, as best she can, for his mother. She has been clear that the woman can't live with her or them, and that keeping her in her own home for a time is preferable.

As for the 'they have plenty of money' I think patstab has been clear that this works for how they are now. She does not believe that they have enough money to support their long-lived retirement; the potential for either of them needing assisted living; and sufficient legacy for their daughter's care. So, I don't see her dumping $5K to escape for a month. Because the trade off would be her DH staying longer on his assignment and I think that will be worse in the long run.

[Ombud]

I respectfully disagree. I am concerned about Patstab. I know she's venting here. I know that's healthy. I still think she deserves a mental health break b4 he gets home next March. She's repeatedly showed how wearing it is

[Deleted]

Predictable but sad. Of course they are forcing her to move, because she needs to be closer to them so they can assist her.

Gosh, I would just blow my stack over them bringing the sister back in her condition. Just an impossible situation. Can you write a letter to the senior welfare authorities before it becomes a full blown police matter? 

Does DH agree that sister coming back is a problem? He can tell the cousin to remove the trailer and stop placing MIL sister in it since it is creating a neighborhood and police call issue? I know this creates a problem between relatives, but your sanity and trying to get MIL a little more stability should take priority. In the end DH needs to make the call since he is the property owner. 

[busymom]

I'm definitely a soft touch at times, but DANG! If sister does come back, I'd pay to get the motorhome fixed, pack up yourself & DD, & leave town. DD is enough to deal with as it is, you don't need the extra drama. Time for DH to man up & deal with his side of the family. Seriously, what would DH do if you have a nervous breakdown, & he has to deal with DD AND his side of the family? He wouldn't last a week...

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Pats, you already have an adult special-needs daughter to care for, if I remember correctly.

Your DH "conveniently spends months (or longer) working away - leaving you to juggle EVERYTHING - plus maintaining those properties (including your own), the vehicle maintenance AND dealing with HIS mother and taking all the crap that comes with it.

You're either a saint or a fool. You're not getting any younger and it's time for you to put your foot down - and put it down hard to get your DH to step up to the plate and pull his weight AT HOME - and deal with HIS family.

You can sell off all the properties & just stay where you're living now. You already have enough money saved up to last both of you and your daughter the rest of your lives. Selling some of your "stuff" will only enhance that - AND enhance taking care of the needs and future for your daughter when the time comes to get her into a place where she can be cared for when you can no longer do it (on your own).

It's like he takes jobs out of town or out of the country to avoid his responsibility in family - and leave you to carry all the weight.

[Ombud]

Are you concerned you don't have enough bc of DD? From everything you post, you don't seem to be extravagant. Lots of families where only 1 is employed seem to do fine

Does she have a special needs trust? DD needs more financial / psychological protection that Auntie IMHO but that might just be my opinion. And needs you rested

[Deleted]

What the son doesn't seem to understand is that if his mother has Alzheimers, no amount of talking to her or trying to reason with her is going to help. She's not doing these things willfully to bother people or disrupt lives, she simply cannot help it. My grandmother and great-grandmother both had Alzheimers, so I know from experience that bizarre behavior is to be expected and they just can't function normally. And it only gets worse, not better.

You couldn't take care of these 2 women even if you were willing to. As they deteriorate, they become more and more like babies in full-size bodies and they need constant watching, just like toddlers.

I don't have polite words to express what I think about this whole situation.

[Jaguar]

Jun 23, 2015 18:07:19 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

What the son doesn't seem to understand is that if his mother has Alzheimers, no amount of talking to her or trying to reason with her is going to help. She's not doing these things willfully to bother people or disrupt lives, she simply cannot help it. My grandmother and great-grandmother both had Alzheimers, so I know from experience that bizarre behavior is to be expected and they just can't function normally. And it only gets worse, not better.

You couldn't take care of these 2 women even if you were willing to. As they deteriorate, they become more and more like babies in full-size bodies and they need constant watching, just like toddlers.

I don't have polite words to express what I think about this whole situation.

Me neither, my sister has Alzheimers and most days it's La La land, basically she has to be told what to do for certain things. And she has to be watched most of the time.

[Ombud]

And that's why we're worried about her. She taking on 2 dementia adults & 1 disabled DD while her DH is stationed out of the country and cousin & his wife cannot handled even 1 of the duo

[seriousthistime]

Pat, with the son bringing her back, he IS foisting the situation on you.  Maybe he thinks he is forcing his mother to come to grips with her situation, but that implies that she is rational enough to think that way. She's not. 

You can dig in your heels, say you are not going to be run out of your house by this situation, and stick to your guns about doing your part (which some people (me, for example) might think is like going to hell and back) to deal with your situation so DH can work an extra 9 months to give you an easier life in your retirement.  

I am a few years younger than you.  I am not dealing with a situation near as bad as yours.  I am working at a job that I don't love (but don't dislike) so I can pour money into my retirement plan.  I want to stick it out until I am 66.  I may make it.  I may not.  Whether it is of my own choosing is not known at this point.  The job could end before that. If it doesn't, it could change to a point where I don't want to stick it out.  But I get up many days and wonder whether I am sleepwalking through my life and at this point I don't have my whole life before me, and the remaining days have value and it's not worth it to do it by sleepwalking.   Then I get into work and feel invigorated.    I work with great people and the work is stimulating. And in the meantime I can plan what the next phase of my life will be like.  

And then I see in the newspaper that a lot of people my age and younger are dying.  That kicks my butt to get my estate paperwork in order so it will not be a big mess for my kids. I am caught between the long term (why get the paperwork in order in this state, when I will certainly move out of state in the next few years?) and the short term (I could die in a car accident on my way to work tomorrow, so at least get some things out of the way).  I try not to freak out my kids with my wanting to get things in order.  I try to plan so that everything will be in order, but realize that I cannot plan everything perfectly.  The law changes, kids' situations change, and there are a lot of variables.

We all make decisions about balancing the short-term sacrifice against the long-term benefit. College, children, estate planning for the car accident tomorrow vs. the move out of state in a few years, etc., are those sorts of decisions.

But, for you, what if the stress of the next nine months putting up with this situation (before DH comes home for good) shortens your life by nine months at the other end?  Is it worth giving up that nine months with him when you both need to be there for each other?  

That's why I'd find a reasonable middle and take the damn vacation.  

[mollyanna58]

She only stayed an hour or two. She was saying today, this is going to happen to me an I hope I don't fight with you, she

will. I told her you will need to go, not right yet but its coming, she said I hope I'm able to go willingly like my mom did.

I hope so too, but not gonna happen

Maybe if she brings it up again, you could suggest that she go into assisted living now. Maybe she'd like to have someone take care of her, instead of her having the burden of caring for her sister.

[debthaven]

He keeps saying that it will take care of itself, I wonder how?

Really, Pat, you're wondering? I don't think many of us reading are. In a nutshell, YOU are going to take care of it. 

I really hope you make it to Korea to see your grandbaby. I hope nothing "comes up" to stop you from going. 

In the meantime, PLEASE take DD and get away from this situation for a while!

ETA: Gd forbid, I used to worry about your DH working too hard and going before you could enjoy some time together. Now I'm worried about you. I think we all are. 

[kittensaver]

Jun 23, 2015 18:40:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

He keeps saying that it will take care of itself, I wonder how?

It's called Ostrich Syndrome. If you stick your head in the sand and ignore it long enough, it will go away - usually badly (someone gets, sick, injured, thrown into jail, dies, etc). Then you can tsk-tsk over the sad and regretful thing that happened all the while washing your hands of the responsibility.

That is, of course, unless you have a spouse or family member Rescuer who feels obligated/guilty/responsible/whatever and will step into the breach for you. That is the best of all possible worlds in Ostrich Syndrome. Some Ostriches seek out Rescuers and deliberately or passively prey on their Rescuer tendencies, knowing the Rescuer will pick up the slack for them.

Sounds like you are that Rescuer person for your DH?

[Ombud]

I'm kinda feeling like DH is being unfairly maligned. He is working abroad providing for them. I think cousin (auntie's son) is the ostrich here

[kjto1]

Jun 23, 2015 20:52:06 GMT -5 Ombud said:

I'm kinda feeling like DH is being unfairly maligned. He is working abroad providing for them. I think cousin (auntie's son) is the ostrich here

Pat and her DH have a plan with his retirement.  Pat needs to figure out her fine line of where she will help, and what she will stay out of.  Her DH will get enough of a shock when she is gone on her trip, and he is dealing with DD and his Mom on his own.  The cousin needed to refuse to return his Mom to Pat's town.  I wonder, since DH's Mom has the life estate, you can evict the sister from the property.  But you mentioned not wanting to start a rift in the family - not that the cousin is concerned about a rift... 

Have fun on your trip to Minnesota!

[Deleted]

Jun 23, 2015 20:52:06 GMT -5 Ombud said:

I'm kinda feeling like DH is being unfairly maligned. He is working abroad providing for them. I think cousin (auntie's son) is the ostrich here

I get that he's providing the income for his family and I respect that. But I don't think that means he has no other responsibilities on the homefront, especially when there are significant issues at home. The money won't mean much if Pat strokes out from stress and trying to do too much. Then what? It just seems very lopsided to me, because he can distance himself from it because he's rarely there, and Pat can't get a real break because even when she travels she has to look after DD. Being a team is about more than money. Just my opinion.

I think he's playing ostrich as much as the other son is. Maybe I missed it, but I don't remember reading where he really tried to do anything about the situation the last time he was home. He should have been the one trying to talk to Doctors, talking to their lawyer, and trying to gather information on what could be done while he was here, not leaving Pat to do it. It's his mother, at least take some of the pressure off Pat. And frankly, just saying it will work itself out is BS. The only way it's going to work itself out is if/when something terrible happens. Who does that?

I don't know, I just feel sad for the 2 older ladies. MIL has her own problems, she can't look out for her sister. They both really need someone to look out for them, whether they want it or not. And I feel sympathy for Pat because as much as she doesn't want to deal with it, I'm sure it's hard to just completely turn her back on them and let whatever happens, happen.

[zibazinski]

Pat, do not answer your phone while on your trip. Tell everyone not to contact you because your cell phone won't be working where you are. Let them figure it out. I'm glad you're "popping" for lawn service while you're gone but I think I'd "pop" for dog care, too. I'm worried about your MIL and her caring for dog. 

[Ombud]

Jun 24, 2015 8:10:25 GMT -5 @patstab said:

He has talked quite a few times to the son. Anyone with any common sense would understand he wants her to go. ... I said how do we keep them from coming back out there if they go someplace, he said turn his mom's electric off, she can't live there with it off. .... I figured she didn't know how to turn the AC on but she did

Thankfully!!! Otherwise there could be another senior dead from heat stroke

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jun 23, 2015 18:40:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I told husband to just make him move the trailer. We had such a poor connection today, I don't think either of us

could really understand what the other was saying.

He keeps saying that it will take care of itself, I wonder how?

He's hoping they will be found dead in their beds.  That's how he's hoping the situation will resolve itself. 

[Deleted]

Wow, so sorry you're dealing w/this pat. It's beyond crazy to think that even though you say you want to stay @ home, here you are feeling that you have to leave it for some reprieve...that's just awful. Were it me, I'd be damned if I let people run me outta my home, especially 2 elder alzheimers patients, family or not. If MIL comes over, so what? Don't emotionally engage. Answer/discuss in short sentences her inquiry....she'll prob. mainly just be venting anyway......so let her vent away and after 20 min. get up and tell her she's free to stay but that you have to do xyz....and then go about your business. She'll stay another half hour and go back home. Rinse and repeat. Emotionally unplug, during her visits no matter what she says...

Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to runaway from your own home when you don't want to. And why waste what will be like 3-5k (time/effort driving, lodging, gas, food, kennel care, lawncare, attractions, the chance DD will have one of her outbursts; tantrums, worrying about the dog, the cat, etc.) on someplace that won't be nearly as comfortable as your own home? Take DD to the things like you have been, movies, etc. and then in a month you can go and visit your son, dil, and new grandson and spend the money going there.