DD & MIL's Issues

[Deleted]

Idk, I just find my own home the ultimate oasis.  Anytime I travel, it's a hassle (and stress inducing) and I'm ready to come home after a few days. I'm just too dang comfortable at home vs. anywhere else...but good luck in whatever you decide, pat.

[chapeau]

Jun 22, 2015 22:38:16 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I don't want to get him mad, he is going to keep DD so I can go to Korea

Pat, I can't imagine going through what you are. That you're handling it at all means you're an amazing person.

But the above really jumped out at me -- he's your husband and your daughter's father. He's not "keeping her", he's doing his job as a parent and partner. Just like fathers who say they're "babysitting" their kids make me angry, this is bothering me for you. He's not doing you a favor, he's doing his part!!

[zibazinski]

I hope before I become like that, I'm lucid enough to take care of it so I don't become a burden to others.

[zibazinski]

There are some people who cling to life, even if it isn't much of one. I refuse to be a burden to my loved ones. DH has zero issue being a burden. It's usually a man thing but some women seem to have no issue being a pita.

[zibazinski]

Hopefully, it's just because she's too far gone to realize she's no longer "here."

[marvholly]

pat

When is your Japan trip? I am wondering how fast your DH will be calling begging you to come home as he is going NUTS coping w/Dd & his mom. Advice: Turn about is fair play. REFUSE to come home early.

[zibazinski]

Don't answer your phone!!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 2, 2015 6:33:26 GMT -5 marvholly said:

pat

When is your Japan trip? I am wondering how fast your DH will be calling begging you to come home as he is going NUTS coping w/Dd & his mom. Advice: Turn about is fair play. REFUSE to come home early.

IF she wants to do tit for tat, she should get an open ended ticket and stay longer. 

[seriousthistime]

Pat, I would suggest that you meet with an attorney who practices elder law.

I think you have been at this point before. It may take a bit of time to set things in motion, so next time you talk to DH you might want to tell him that you want to move ahead with this ASAP. Otherwise, it will be put off repeatedly -- let's see whether the cousin actually does something with his mother; let's wait until DH comes home next time and we'll try to schedule an appointment with a lawyer, etc. And the cousin has told you before that he knows something needs to be done, and they have tried, but then they brought her back. I suspect the cousin will only do something with his mother when he is backed into a corner. You and your DH taking the bull by the horns and doing something about MIL may be what it takes. As long as those two sisters live together, they feed off each other's paranoia and incompetence, and yet still stumble through life, and the easier it gets to think the time is coming, coming, coming, rather than that the time was here yesterday.

You may think that something needs to be done by this winter, but in truth it could take that long even if you set things in motion tomorrow.

[debthaven]

Pat, this thread is 16 pages long, and it has gone on for 7.5 months (I checked). Has anything changed?

You say the sister is in so much worse shape than your MIL, yet she's the one who knew where your MIL's purse was. It sounds like they're both just as bad as each other (or almost), but they don't necessarily remember the same things. 

I feel for you, believe me I do. You're not getting any younger. 

How long does this need to go on for before your DH / the son actually DOES something about it?

[Blonde Granny]

If Pats DH and the other son are anything like my attorney brother, it's going to take a full blown crisis before anything is done. Then, it will likely be Pat doing it with the following response to anyone who gets in her way: "Do YOU see anyone else standing here? It's me or no one."  Then to everyone else involved, a not so polite "lead, follow or get out of the way".

In other words, BTDT and had the Tshirt to prove it.

[seriousthistime]

Pat, I don't recall if you ever said.  Have you considered just taking the car keys the next time you are there?  Then she can call you to come look for them and you can go over and not "find" the keys. Would she call you if she needed to buy groceries and had no way to get to the store?  

Maybe it's possible to have the court order a written report to be prepared by the doctor based on MIL's last doctor visit.  What do you think the report would say?  

Around here it is possible to have the police go to the house to do a "wellness check" if you feel they are not well.  Is that a possibility, if you think they are endangering themselves?  I know the EMTs will be called if they think the person needs to be assessed medically.  I once had to request a wellness check based on a phone call I got at work.  It seemed the elderly caller was very disoriented and delusional.  I reported the call to the police, and the call was referred to their county sheriff, who actually went to the home to check out the caller and her husband.  

But the first person you need to talk to is your lawyer.  Don't try and figure this stuff out yourself by looking it up on Google. 

Whatever happened to the neighbors reporting them to adult protective services?

[CCL]

Really, I think it's dangerous for those two to even be on their own at all, although don't really know what can be done. What if someone hears they've been stashing money around the house? Or who knows, plenty of people prey on old folks. They keep talking about someone breaking in and stealing their stuff. One day that might really happen. I don't think these ladies are going to get better, it kinda seems like you are thinking they will improve at some point. I don't see assisted living working for them at all. Sounds like they both need more care/monitoring than that.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I think that Pats needs to get into her big motor home and escape by herself for a week (or two).

I posted several months ago that it's her DH's mother - it's her DH's aunt. Pats has enough to juggle taking care of an adult special-needs daughter - not to mention tending all that land AND their rental properties AND maintenance of all the vehicles.

DH seems to have been "flying the coop" for years to work out of town/overseas. It's like he's been running away to escape/shirk HIS responsibility as a husband, father and son for years and leave Pats to deal with it and take care of everyone.

And Pats has allowed it to be that way and has always been there to deal with the flack when the sh*t hits the fan.

It's time for HIM to look into elderly care for the MIL and her sister, and also start taking care of his own daughter and her future care when the two of them are no longer able to or be around to do so.

Sell off the rental properties. They're more work for Pats than she needs. The money can be put toward future care for her daughter - which sounds like it's not that far off.

The car keys those two ladies have definitely have to "go missing". They're not only a danger to themselves driving, but to anyone else who might be on the road.

Here, a person over a certain age has to be tested every year for their driver's license to be renewed.

Does your MIL still have a valid D/L, Pats? AND insurance? Or is she getting behind the wheel illegally?

[mollyanna58]

This is how Pat and her husband mutually agreed their life would be: he works hard overseas for good money to ensure the family's future, and Pat takes care of the home front.  She hasn't made any complaints here about the arrangement. 

It seems like it's the cousin who is shirking his responsibilities towards his mother; that's what needs to change.

[Wisconsin Beth]

yeah, I'd be "losing" those car keys for good too.  And maybe the gas cap is gonna go missing so the gas can evaporate out of that car too. 

[seriousthistime]

Pat, did you contact the attorney today?

[zibazinski]

She's driving a car? Really? She can kill someone or hurt them badly.

[busymom]

Ugh! Don't you hate it when they don't update their phone lists? And, that's the county not keeping their own records up-to-date.

Sorry you're dealing with all of this.  I suspect DD must be feeding off of some of the stress.  And, obviously she doesn't understand what's happening to Grandma, so she has to blame someone.  So sorry it seems to be you. 

It does make me thankful that Mom's former doctor wasn't afraid of the truth about old age.  In fact, his specialty was dealing with the elderly.  He wasn't shy about telling people, or their spouses, when it was no longer safe to leave a senior home alone.  What a shame he retired, but I believe he even understood about himself that it was time...

[CCL]

Jul 7, 2015 20:07:12 GMT -5 @patstab said:

The doc I got her into is a geriatric doc, he is a good one, HIPPA seems to tie everyones hands now.

At least the mental health person told me to call back anytime when I needed to vent. LOL! So at least

I got some "mental health" relief.

Our attorney is the president of the state bar this year, he works on senior matters. I think he and I

need to have a heart to heart and let him know how difficult it is to help the elderly. This is terrible

something needs to change somehow before old people like them get in a world of hurt.

Don't blame HIPAA. She could sign an authorization form. They were around long before HIPAA was enacted.

[CCL]

Jul 7, 2015 18:57:15 GMT -5 busymom said:

I suspect DD must be feeding off of some of the stress. 

Hopefully, you can find a way to help her.

[Deleted]

Glad she went to sleep easily for you, Pat...although your last post I see was 21 hrs. ago..hope your day with dd was okay..and she went to sleep easily again.  Hugs...

[Opti]

Sorry to hear about DD Pat. What little I've read on Williams, due to your posts, sounds rough. Another thing to look at is DD's diet. Read part of a book which states our gut microbes could be responsible for things as varied as mood (depression, etc), Alzheimers, weight gain, diabetes, etc. Not sure what the current book title is, but the guy also wrote one called "The Grain Brain".

What little I read of the current one, was interesting and potentially life altering. It was part of a new lucky book promotion at our library. Lucky you, you can have this book for 4 days, otherwise it might be months before you can have it for a week.  Odd I didn't finish it, eh?

[Deleted]

I will hope this cycle is short & that you survive it (emotionally) Pat!

Does DD have any social activities or interests in your new location? I thought that people with Williams were highly social. Most of what you talk about is just you and her. Are there any adult day programs in the area? Even if you could get an hour or two respite it would be nice. And it gives her a little time with other people, other rules, other activities.

Does your DD enjoy things like bird watching? Or insects? Just wondering if packing a little carry bag with binoculars, field guide, sketch pad & charcoal sticks or pastels (which are a little messy, but easier for quick sketches or conceptual renderings) might be a fun way to encourage some walks each day. Maybe a magnifying glass if she likes looking at leafs or insects. So you "hike" to the end point & then stop a bit to do the activity.

She knows you are looking for a placement for her, correct? If she is spending a lot of time with herself, I am sure she is totally capable of twisting that into self-hate & mom-hate. Do I remember that you tried it once before and she was very unhappy, and you brought her back home? she could be remembering that period of time and her emotions and dwelling on it. 

[kjto1]

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Pat.  Lots of hugs. 

And good for you in standing up to your H. 

[busymom]

Sorry Pat! Good grief, it's like your family members are tag-teaming their problems, & you alone are there to deal with it all.

After your DD is in bed tonight, do something nice for yourself.  Even if it's a pint of ice cream. 

[CCL]

Peach pie and fried chicken? Sounds yummy!

I hope things get better for you and your family soon, especially your daughter.

[NastyWoman]

[Opti]

Jul 9, 2015 20:03:44 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I just found MIL's purse she left it here. I hated to call but did and of course she is on her way back over, she had been looking for it. Likely spends her day looking for it.

I'm eating peach pie, will give some to DD. I gave her 2 glucose pills and she has calmed down. I've checked before no blood sugar

issue, but I think somehow her body doesn't use it right. I've read some on that about Williams. Likely just one part of the issue.

Had fried chicken and fried potatoes in lard tonight, its been 40 years I suppose since I've had that, you cannot believe the flavor, oh

my God it was good. I won't do it all the time by any means as I steam and sauté too but it sure was a delicious treat.

Pat, maybe you should start limiting DD's sweets. One thing I noticed about the menus at the sub-acute facility I work for, is that one of the desserts that day is fruit. Only lunch or dinner will be cookies, cake, etc.

So I've decided to aim towards that as I have become more refined sugar sensitive since I started peri-menopause. Too much refined sugar will cause short term despressive episodes/crying. Its hard to predict as there's some limit and time delay involved. Too much peach pie and then 15 hours later - a melt down.

I figure its better to under-sweet and skip the melt downs instead of push the envelope. YMMV. My life, this is how I am doing it. FWIW.