DD & MIL's Issues

[Green Eyed Lady]

Pat...here's wishing you a wonderful and happy holiday weekend.  May it be relatively stress-free.

[debthaven]

Personally I would have let them take the trailer so her sister couldn't come back. The expense involved in moving it is not your problem. The son came up with a solution which would have solved YOUR problems and your DH nixed it. The sister would have been gone, she would have stopped influencing your MIL and pissing off and stressing the neighbors. Win-win. 

Otherwise, I like Rockit's idea of renting it out, if you can find somebody trustworthy who could do the maintenance and keep an eye on your MIL. 

March 2016 is nearly a year away. I hope your DH really does come home then, and not put it off again. Enough is enough. 

Congrats on the weight loss! 

[debthaven]

They were talking about moving her trailer but hubby told them it would cost more then its worth to haul it 4 hours away.

Sorry if I wrongly assumed "they" was her son but that's what it sounded like. You never mentioned his wife before. 

The thought of the two sisters driving south makes my blood run cold. That's obviously just no possible anymore. 

Frankly, I feel sorriest for their neighbor with the heart issues and the mentally-challeneged son. I hope she protects herself and her son (who sounds innocent from your posts). 

Good luck to you Pat. This difficult situation has gone on for WAY too long, I hope that you and that poor neighbor can find some peace sooner rather than later. 

And I'm sorry if it's difficult for your DH to "take a stance with relatives", but it's past time. For you, for your MIL, for the neighbor and for her son who is constantly being accused of things he didn't do. 

[Deleted]

I don't understand why you keep pushing it back to cousin to 'do something' or allow them not to do something because they want their own fun.

Your DH owns this property? Tell cousin that MIL's sister needs to leave due to her adverse effect on MIL. Go get counsel from an attorney on what formal notice you need to give etc. MIL's sister will be mad at "evil nephew" instead of MIL. It seems a real disservice to MIL and you to let the drama continue. It sounded like MIL may be declining, but a lot of the drama is only when her sister is there. 

[Ombud]

May 23, 2015 19:58:10 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Well he won't do that, his mom would throw a fit.  I know its easy for me and all of us to say just do so and so, but a lot harder to do in reality. .... They didn't even know until about a month ago that hubby and his deceased brother owned the property.

FANTASTIC!! Now that you have control, sell it, then she has to go to assisted living & it's up to cousin to deal with auntie

[Ombud]

May 24, 2015 10:43:20 GMT -5 @patstab said:

She has a lifetime estate to live in the house

YUK. So you have no recourse? I seem to recall that APS is basically non-functional there .... cousin dn want to be involved (as you & DH will step in if no one else does) .... MIL doesn't want to willingly go to assisted living. You have my sympathy (FWIW)

[obelisk]

Pat you are handling your family issues better than most and I command you.  Recently with a similar family issue, my wife made a comment that put my parents issues before us.  It made me really think of my upbringing and hers.  At the end, I promised her that our family is the most important since we both came from a poor background and the future is upon us as a family unit.  I realized that I and only I can make a change for the future of my family. I am in full support.  Wishing you the best in your husband's retirement after so many sacrifices.  You deserve it.

[Deleted]

Good Luck with it all, Pat. Dh and I were told recently that his wife has "memory" problems by my FIL (one of my MIL's; I have 2; dh's parents are divorced and both remarried for a long time..) I've feared so the last couple years, but wasn't about to say anything to him...but I shared my observations w/dh. She has Early Onset Alzheimers, (what he refers to as "memory" problems) and is declining incredibly fast. She's only about to turn 67, too. FIL will be 74 this year. Earlier this year he asked dh if he would agree to be their Executor and emailed him his Last Will and Testament...
 
It's very sad to watch. I think having this disease is one of the worst situations one can have....she cries and tells me she can't remember anything. I just tell her that we love her and am taking care of her...and she thanks me. I remind her of words she's trying to remember during our conversations...and she thanks me...I recall some good memories we've shared as a family together and she laughs...and then gets quiet.
 
So sad...FIL asked me if I'd like to take her shopping soon, that she needs some new summer clothes, and I said sure. So I'm going to try and call her and do that either this week (taking my truck in for some work..) or next week; depending on how long the leak in the differential rear axle takes..

Dh and I talked a few days ago, and if FIL becomes unable to continue to care for her, or passes before her....we don't believe her 3 daughters would offer to take her, so we agreed we would. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. FIL has the finances for her to be placed in a nursing home for awhile, but neither one of our families have ever gone that route before. Previous generations have always had 'grama' and/or 'grampa' come live with them...my grama lived with us for years, my dad lived w/my older sister for about a year but was hospitalized much of it. He was just finishing the process of building an really nice inlaw suite with it's own utilities meters onto her home, when he passed. 90% done, and he was part of the process all along. He passed in '94 @ 70 yrs. old, from complications of having a heart attack the year prior.

Wish you luck Pat...and am glad you're not internalizing the responsibility of your MIL. I completely understand your feelings, considering how she treated you and your DD all these years...fortunately (or unfortunately...?) my MIL has been nothing but a friend to me...she's only 9 yrs. older than I am. She and my older sister graduated high school together. We found out when dh and I introduced them while we were dating umpteen years ago.....Small World Indeed..

[kjto1]

May 25, 2015 15:39:29 GMT -5 @patstab said:

The son will have to likely put $2000 a month or more toward her care, I'm sure that is a big issue too.

My Grandpa and my MIL lived in senior apartments that the rent was based on your income (and any assets)  (sliding scale ?).  There are probably waiting lists, so you (your DH's cousin) need to do the research sooner rather than later.

[Bonny]

Have any of you seen "Still Alice"? I know it's just a movie but it is based on a real life story.

I think what struck me the most was how early and fast she deteriorated.

[debthaven]

Bonny I haven't seen the film (and don't intend to) but I read the book for Book Club. I don't know the film but she deteriorated fast and early in the book too. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Pat.  Lots of hugs and sympathy. 

[Deleted]

It is a shame that the cousin brought his mother back. 

Is there a senior center in the area? Just thinking that if MIL had a daily task to go there and visit or have coffee or something it might give her something other than 'her missing stuff' to focus on. She needs friends other than her sister to interact with.

I thought MIL used to have your DD over for the day and things like that. Has all this deterioration happened in the last year or two? So frustrating for you. 

Is she still managing to remember to bring the garbage to your house each week? Are there other small things that can be assigned to her for daily duties?

[Opti]

Jun 8, 2015 11:45:23 GMT -5 @patstab said:

MIL is not deteriorating fast she just has no short term memory. She will probably take forever. She is still in that inbetween stage.

Sorry Pat, my Mom has been similar. The short term memory thing has been happening for at least 6 to 8 years.

[Deleted]

With cousin coming over. TRY very hard to remain dispassionate & just stick to the facts. It is not your responsibility to care for sister and she seems to make your MIL worse. They need to take find an alternate living arrangement for her asap. Just keep saying that over and over, like a mantra. Sounds like Tom gave them options, now they have to take action. You need to be careful & not keep telling them their ideas won't work. Let them figure it out and come up with their own alternatives. Either they take the woman out of there, or they get a care-giver to check on her for a couple hours a day.

I'm not sure why the neighbor has to call, can't they write a letter to the agency? Can't you write them too and advise them of the calls you get and your personal observations?  And certainly the neighbors could call police when MIL or sister show up to escort them off the property and create a record of each incident.

Restraining orders? You really want your MIL put in jail? Because that is what happens if you violate one. 

[busymom]

Oh Pat! I would be SO tempted to give your MIL's sister's son a good NCIS head smack for being so stupid! I'm getting more mouthy as I get older, so I'd probably say something like "thanks for dumping her on my MIL, who has enough problems of her own". Seriously, I think you'll have to get MIL placed before they take any responsibility for their own mother. What they SHOULD be doing, is get in contact with Medicare & Social Services & be making arrangements for their mother's care. (My Mom's nursing home told me to contact Social Services when Mom was about 6 months away from spending through all of her money, so that they would take over making those expensive monthly payments when the money ran out.)

Sending hugs your direction.  -hug-Good grief!

[Opti]

They brought the sister back here, I can't believe it. NOW the son is coming over here to talk to me before they go back today.




I have no idea why, they best not chew on my ass over her or Tom will be losing a cousin. Of course I'm getting nervous, I don't

want to hear or deal with this.

I *would* have been surprised if they kept her. Most people can't deal with their parents or loved ones becoming this way. They need or like to walk away. Sister sounds like she needs to be in an Alzheimer's locked ward, but that's pure opinion based on what you've posted.

Don't get nervous. Stand your ground on whatever you are willing (or not) to do. They need to be in charge and start the process to getting her in a facility. We are used to the stories, although with only 4+ years of experience in a nursing home/sub-acute facility, things still surprise me.

[Blonde Granny]

A restraining order does no good if the person doesn't understand it. Don't bother.

As for a couple of other things, and I don't mean to be rude, but:

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems DD has....you are

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems his Mother has...you are

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems DHs aunt has...you are

Either you are playing the part of the martyr (my Mom played this part so well) or you don't have enough courage to stand up and shout to the world " I'm done". And mean it this time.

If you want to take DD and hot foot it back to Tx. do so. Live in the MH or duplex or whatever you want...you know the rules about states and resident requirements. When DH comes back in a few weeks, drive the car home. When he leaves again, you leave again. Keep doing it until he finally gets the message and comes home for good.

Or, the other alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and stop complaining about it.

The ball is in your court and you're the one with all the power if you decide to use it.

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 12, 2015 8:27:34 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

A restraining order does no good if the person doesn't understand it. Don't bother.

As for a couple of other things, and I don't mean to be rude, but:

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems DD has....you are

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems his Mother has...you are

You and your DH aren't dealing with the problems DHs aunt has...you are

Either you are playing the part of the martyr (my Mom played this part so well) or you don't have enough courage to stand up and shout to the world " I'm done". And mean it this time.

If you want to take DD and hot foot it back to Tx. do so. Live in the MH or duplex or whatever you want...you know the rules about states and resident requirements. When DH comes back in a few weeks, drive the car home. When he leaves again, you leave again. Keep doing it until he finally gets the message and comes home for good.

Or, the other alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and stop complaining about it.

The ball is in your court and you're the one with all the power if you decide to use it.

Oh so      

[mollyanna58]

, the other alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and stop complaining about it.

No, please vent here all you need to.  Nobody at home seems to be really listening to you, but we will.  Hugs!

[NastyWoman]

Jun 12, 2015 14:03:24 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

, the other alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and stop complaining about it.

No, please vent here all you need to.  Nobody at home seems to be really listening to you, but we will.  Hugs!

[debthaven]

Pat I was going to suggest that you just "gift" her the price of transporting the sister's trailer to her son's house, but it sounds like that ship has sailed. 

I'm so sorry that you are still the one dealing with this on a regular basis, while both the cousin and your DH are far away. Out of sight, out of mind, and you are the one dealing with the fallout. 

At this point, frankly, I hope the neighbors just STOP "playing nice" and just file whatever they need to file, and BUG the authorities. Both for their sakes and yours. 

[debthaven]

she wouldn't last a week in it and would have to be in their house, but that's there problem.

Bingo, we have a winner!!! It's NOT your problem, it's THEIRS!!! 

Pat, you really need to stop trying to solve everybody else's problems, and do what's best for YOU and your DD. That's JMO of course. 

If the issue is just "room" for her mobile home, trust me, they'll find room only when they need to. At this point it seems like it would be easier for them to find room for her mobile home or urge her into something more structured than to continue taking her back and forth, but who knows, they may prefer to use the last of their strength in the hopes that she goes under YOUR watch. How convenient for them!

Yes, your MIL is sad and maybe angry at the "meanies" taking her sister away. But, your MIL is also more stable (ie your life is more peaceful) when her sis is not living with her.

Life is all about choices. This woman is not alone, she has 3 kids. I get that one of them wants nothing to do with her, but two of them still do, so THEY should be making the decisions, NOT YOU. We already know that your DH isn't, it all falls on you. 

I'm younger than you (55) but much older than most of the posters. The majority of people (including my DH) prefer to just let things ride, rather than implementing any change. Change is difficult for the hardiest of us. It's so much easier to just let things ride and hope that somebody else implements any changes. 

Your DH is coming home in March now, right? How many times has he put off his retirement at this point?! 

If I were you, frankly, I'd have either stayed in FL for much longer, or continued to travel. It's not too late, you can always go on another road trip. 

You are only a martyr / victim when you accept to act like one.

You can choose to be the actor of the change that would make your life better, or not. It's entirely up to you. 

[zibazinski]

Not your circus or your monkey, unless you let it. Don't answer phone, let calls go to VM and turn phone off at night or when you don't want to be disturbed.

[zibazinski]

You can leave the state for "vacations" without losing your place in line for DD.

[Ombud]

Jun 12, 2015 13:18:02 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Easier said then done, I don't want to be forced out of my home either

Do you really think DH would do that? And if he did, don't you have community property? Then you get 1/2 of EVERYTHING + alimony due to age / time out of workforce = lack of re-employment possibility

[Deleted]

Pat, you are so convincing me to pull the trigger on this LTC thing.  Although most of my father's family lived into their 90s with only very minor dementia issues, I know nothing about the other side of the family.  I helped my ex-bf with his mother every Sunday. I watched her accuse her husband of having an affair with her own daughter . . . the daughter living with them to take care of her . . . and that sort of thing.

I know it is tough. Just be strong and refuse responsibility. I remember asking my cousin what I was supposed to do with her mother when the time came to make some decisions. She sent me a list of hymns to play at her funeral and what she thought her mother would want to wear.    Other people will avoid taking responsibility for as long as they can.  My cousin waited until her mother was 97.

Tell your husband that you aren't empowered to make decisions; that was what I told my cousin. You probably aren't. I wasn't my aunt's next of kin, and you aren't your MIL's.

[Deleted]

@patstab That is fantastic! Now get that trailer sold/moved off MIL's property so there is no option for sister to return!!

Before or when you go over there and stay, change all the locks on the house and secure where the Keys & Spares are. With as often as you say those ladies lost their keys, maybe someone else got hold of a set. So do this first to secure the house and make sure you are all safe!

Great idea to test it out by having MIL come to you and just have her car at the home. 

I am excited for you that the sister was taken to her son's/grandson's place. Your older posts really sounded like MIL was much improved with sis away. 

[Ombud]

@patstab, if the trailer belongs to the son, does that mean MIL moves when the aunt does?

[CCL]

I'll tell you one thing, I would not be giving him a free pass if you find out he's been sneaking into the house. I'd prosecute him the first time. I'd never give him the chance to do it a second time. It might be that nothing comes of it, but if some fella is preying on a couple of sickly old ladies he needs a good a$$ whoopin!