DD & MIL's Issues

[Blonde Granny]

...and don't we all just love soap operas. Hang in there Pat, this too shall pass.  {{{{hugs}}}}

[Lizard Queen]

Looking good on the beach there, Pat!  Congrats on being one pound away from your goal. That's awesome!

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH is going to talk to his cousin when he is home and see if they can't hire someone to stay in with them. Someone that needs a home, can cook, and run errands, and things.

He needs to talk to him about this NOW.  Not wait until he comes home in 3 months.  Now, while cousin has some reality staring at him in the face. 

[NastyWoman]

Apr 3, 2015 18:34:54 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Also mom had been good to us and the kids, she didn't help with care I needed but she did when they were little. But she did things like go half on a car for son when he graduated and I went half. Put new cabinets in our kitchen one year. Just things like that so hubby returned that. If I hadn't had to care for my daughter for 44 years and its not ending I would have more to give likely. I'm to the point I even have anxiety attacks, I just can't do it anymore and I need him too. I'm not young anymore.

For those of you wondering why the differences: (1) Pat's mom was good to her and the kids.  MIL --- not so much (and that's putting it politely), (2) It is different when it is your own mom, (3) Pat's cousin-in-law is of the opinion that he should not have to sacrifice his retirement for his mom (the oft mentioned aunt) but is perfectly willing to let Pat take care of things, (4) what you can do at age 50 or so or at age 69 is vastly different (humans have babies at a relatively young age for much the same reasons -> age does not make things easier). Not only does Pat still care for her daughter, who at calendar age 44 is more than one handful, she is taking care of two rather nasty people who are slipping into/suffereing from dementia.  Note that these women, while they need to be helped are the same ones who refused to help Pat when she needed help and they were not shy about letting her know that she (Pat) didn't measure up to their standards.

For all the work and worry for them that Pat has put in she is on my list of heroes! I can guarantee you I would not be so nice and I don't think that I am necessarily an uncaring person but there are limits...

 and  for you Pat

[Artemis Windsong]

With all you have to cope with and you dropped your body weight.  Major kudos to you.

[busymom]

Let me know, if you pursue buying a place in Florida, how good or bad their system is there. DH & I hope to retire somewhere warmer, but we will only seriously consider states that take good care of their disabled. (We've already crossed a few states off of our list.)

<HUGS> for everything you are dealing with. I've got too much going on with Mom in a nursing home, another relative in assisted living, & DS. I can't imagine having all of my relatives on the decline living "free range". The current laws DO make it difficult to help a relative who has refused to get their legal paperwork in order. One of my friends is actually dealing with her husband who is on the decline at a younger age. It's a nightmare when he refuses to get his legal affairs in order, and due to privacy laws, even his doctor can't tell the wife just how bad off he is.

[Wisconsin Beth]

It never hurts to ask. 

[zibazinski]

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And what bothers me is that it is not bothering me that much to have to leave and that scares me

I don't see why. You're at the end of your fuse. I'd have bolted WAY before you did and probably killed your husband and his idiot cousin to boot. You're a saint for having put up with things for as long as you have.

I fear for any sales person/mail man that comes to your MIL's door. One of these days the sister is going to brain someone with that frying pan or worse thinking she finally caught the thieving neighbor.

[NastyWoman]

Apr 7, 2015 15:46:03 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Don't worry, when I get through with something I'm through. I just hope this doesn't destroy our marriage. We have been through a lot but I'm done this time. And what bothers me is that it is not bothering me that much to have to leave and that scares me.

I said help his mom when I came back, not take on a crazy sister too, that is ridiculous.

Husband doesn't really know what to do either, if he has to take action he will lose whoever is left on his dads side of the family.

Not to be mean, but with all "the help and family warmth" they have provided you, DD and indirectly DH what is there to lose except for the lipservice of "we are family and take care of each other"? And they are not even wearing their lips out with that!

[mollyanna58]

I'm sorry for everything you are going through, Pat.

I told husband if they start aggravating me, the neighbors or MIL, I will load up the pets and leave in the motorhome till he gets home then come home again. I will hire someone to mow as I'm not having this shit aggravate me any longer.

Sounds like a good plan.

[Blonde Granny]

<applause> <applause>

Absolutely Pat.  Some times the hardest thing to do is nothing.  I think this is the time to stand your ground and do just that..nothing!

Safe Travels.

[gacpa]

Pat,

I agree with Blonde Granny, YOU ROCK.  You wrote something one time that has stuck with me down through the years "I can be as happy as I want to be".  That has helped me so much and probably many other people as well.  I thought I had to earn happiness, but I don't.  It is how I choose to live.  You really have your act together.  Please hang in there and keep visiting us.

[Ombud]

Mar 30, 2015 8:01:12 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...  at least for the Pat's husband's cousin.

IMHO it's not denial. It's just that he is making an adult decision to walk away bc history shows she will handle everything

[kjto1]

Wow, that is a great update! 
There is a possibility the vitamin is helping.  Her diet sounds pretty lacking, so getting the vitamins could only help.

[Value Buy]

If mil was better when you got back, I suggest you leave them alone and stay out of the little details.
Seemed to work somewhat while you were gone.

[marvholly]

Pat
As I recall there is some choices w/Meals on Wheels (30 ish years ago). Also, she does NOT have to have it every day. Would it be possible to get her to try it 1-2 days for a week or 2? Maybe just wait until winter (shortly before you go away) so you know she is well fed while you are gone.

[plugginaway22]

My 93 year old neighbor gets 'meals on wheels' and she just told me yesterday that she eats about half of them, the other half get pitched out because she does not like them.  But oh well, she is still getting some meals!

[mollyanna58]

I'm glad you got her there, although it sounds like doctor diagnosed Alzheimer's in a very short time.  Let's hope the improvements keep up. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nice job Pat! 

[marvholly]

Pat

I honestly think one of the MAJOR things to discuss w/the Dr is having her friver's license revoked. The way she seems to be losing contact with reality (memory issues) makes her a major hazard on the road.

[zibazinski]

[Opti]

The B complex probably helps, but at best will only slow the decline. Per some reading I did all of our brains shrink over time. It just appears Alzheimers ones shrink worse and with various characteristic damage.

[bean29]

Reply to Pat's comment #334

Sorry it is so hard to place your daughter Pat...and just think, you and your DH are way better off than the average retired couple.

I think getting your DD on a list is a good idea.  It seems very expensive, and I think you should hire someone for at least 8-16 hours a week to give you regular respite.  Even at $40/hour it is way more affordable than placing DD in an assisted living facility.

Glad your MIL seems to be doing a little better.

[mollyanna58]

My sympathies, Pat, to you and the poor neighbors.

How old are these two ladies?  If your husband is around 70, the sisters must be in their 90s, right?

[kjto1]

Pat, how is your MIL doing?

[marvholly]

Pat
I was wondering what was going on since you had not posted her in quite a while – 2 ½ weeks.
Is DH offering any suggestions on dealing w/his Mom and/or your daughter down the road? It would be good to seek places out and come to some agreement(s) for when he is away again.

[Deleted]

I don't think I understand the living situation. Do the sisters own the home together?
Do they need to live together to share costs? It didn't seem like your MIL was broke, so why is this sister there all the time there causing issues and making her worse off?
 
I'm glad your DH can address it more dispassionately. It really sounds like it is too much for you with a big property to manage and your daughter's health to deal with on your own too. I'm sure you are looking forward to when he will be home FT.

[Opti]

Pat, glad you are enjoying your husband. Let that joy drown some of the MIL/SIS drama.

[Deleted]

May 22, 2015 9:51:11 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Hubby went over to talk to the son, he came in last night I think. He said he can't keep doing this. My husband also told him the neighbor

has heart issues and how badly this is effecting her. That was the main thing I wanted him to tell them, I did not go.

They are getting ready to go on a 2 week vacation to California so she will be gone for 2 weeks, another breather.  They were talking

about moving her trailer but hubby told them it would cost more then its worth to haul it 4 hours away.

He is telling me he is going to recommend they rent it and I take care of it.  I said NO I am not taking care of something like that

someone elses control and ownership and I have no control over  it.  I said  you are just opening a whole can of worms there.

If he wants to buy it that's one thing but I'm not taking on something like that with other people interfering, I refuse on that one.

Besides the old gal owns it and I doubt she will sell it, who knows.  But everyone knows she is going to have to do something else. 

If they don't we are going to tell the neighbor to file a complaint with the adult protective services then they said they can act. 

Hubby agrees with that too. I'm pretty sure the lady will, she is sick of it.

But a big disservice is happening anyway, she needs to go to a doctor, I told DH there may be something else wrong with her, I

mean it could be a brain tumor or something, but I imagine its also the results of a poor diet and both of them being isolated. 

If we get her gone the next step is getting his mom in assisted living.  Once there she would enjoy it.  The sister will not make it

a few months in assisted living until she is in a nursing home, she is to far gone.  I don't care what they have to do with her, just

as long as its not here.

I can only imagine the mess if we were in Texas, we would either have to take his mom down there to live with us, God forbid,

or be back and forth and maybe buying something quickly we don't want.  It would disrupt our life even more then it is now.

But all things come to an end and this will too, its getting closer to a resolution, believe me.

MIL should buy the trailer for $3K or something & then rent it out at just a little under market in exchange for that person mowing grass & whatever other maintenance she needs on the whole property.

That gives the cousin money to buy a new trailer to put on his property & get the sister out of there.

Is it a mobile home & not a trailer? Why would it cost so much to move it a few hours away? Why, when cousin tires to come up with solution, you or DH always tell them their ideas will not work?

Let them come up with their own solutions & get it done. From DH's perspective he should just tell them it is having adverse effect on his mom & sis needs to move with her kids.

Would MIL be willing to give DH a limited POA related to the property to allow for management of who can reside on & maintain said property?