DD & MIL's Issues

[NoNamePerson]

Happy Birthday!!  Not quite a motor home but it was the best I could do  

[busymom]

Happy Birthday Pat! I thought this cake was REALLY cute!

[Opti]

Less cute, but another cake for your birthday collection.

Happy Birthday!

[midjd]

Happy birthday, Pat!

[NastyWoman]

Happy Birthday Pat 

[Works4me]

Happy Birthday and many happy returns!

[Green Eyed Lady]

For what it's worth, I don't see Pat as "complaining".  I see her as venting because this is a very good place to do that.  Wanting something (hubby to retire) and it being the best thing for everyone are not always the same thing.  I'm sure Pat would love to have him home in July, but if working 5 more months helps to meet both their goals, she seems willing to take on everything herself.  I don't think it's fair or accurate to say she's complaining, but that's just my opinion.  If everyone here who vented because it's a safe place to do so got accused of complaining, "stop complaining" is the only post we'd see.

[Deleted]

GEL, you're right, I should have used the word "venting" instead of "complaining". 

My apologies Pat. 

[Value Buy]

Pat, while in Florida, ignore the damn urge to call home! It ain't worth it.
And Florida will never be cheap.....but it is fun.  
Use the trip this year to decide where you want to be, spend the time looking and asking questions.
Next year the pets come down with you 

[Chocolate Lover]

  I wish I had something useful to say, Pat but we're here to listen and remind you that it's the son's problem not yours. I'll cross my fingers Aunt acts up enough that son can't ignore it while he's there.

[Chocolate Lover]

That's a shame that you have no hope of him getting his head out of his butt.  

Good luck on finding a place you can both enjoy in peace, wherever that may be.

[Works4me]

Sorry you are going through all of this but I do have one thing you might consider - let go of the situation with your MIL and her sister. I know that you have always been very responsible in your life, taken care of everyone and everything but in this situation there really is nothing you can do to help or make things better. So. Just. Stop.

Let those who are directly involved and effected deal with it all - police, neighbors, APS, DMV, husband, in-laws, etc. Some times there is just nothing that can be done in caring for the elderly. Adults have the right to self-determination and unfortunately many of their choices are not illegal but simply the result of poor judgement.

You gave done everything you can think of, all of it more then once, and nothing has worked. So. Just. Stop.

Remember, the definition of insanity is to repeat the same actions while expecting different results.

I say this to you as a person who has been through this professionally as a mefical social worker for over 20 years. I also say this as someone that spent over 2 years caring for my beloved father at home, 24/7, and I almost allowed it to literally kill me before I let go.

I truly love and respect you from your writings here but please let go. Just. Stop.

[taz157]

Happy anniversary!  That was sweet of your DH. 

[Ombud]

Mar 28, 2015 8:41:56 GMT -5 @patstab said:

each time I help is just prolonging it and not solving anything

Truer words never written

I'm going to say something that will anger you but I'm not saying it bc I don't feel sorry for your situation. You've been dealt a tough hand watching someone you love deteriorate and vent away but ...

> a 2nd family member won't step in when the 1st one is taking care of the problem

> the taxpayer won't pay for something or help when the family member will do it for free (That includes daily check and monitoring)

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hope it's a good day Pat. 

And yep.  Just keep coming back here for reinforcement.  As sad as it is, as horrible as it is, sometimes you cannot help.  And it's hard to admit that.  And harder to stand by and do nothing when a HUGE chunk of your heart and soul say "You should be helping/doing something." 

[Opti]

Pat, the son is going to do what the son is going to do. Given the story you

told about the family waiting to put someone in assisted living or whatever

and they died before they got there kind of points to there's a tendency not to

want to handle it.

What I'd wish for if I were you was for the son and others to see the hallucination stuff.

That's actionable dementia stuff. Believing someone is stealing your stuff and they aren't,

generally no unless they do something harmful about it and that likely means jail time

not APS help.

Focus on what you can do and what you are willing to do.

[Ombud]

@patstab said:

He either doesn't want to have to handle it, doesn't want to pay out the money, or doesn't believe me that its that bad, or this way he doesn't have to deal with it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt...  at least for the Pat's husband's cousin.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Pat, do you have to go home?  Can you stay away longer?  You've indicated that money for boarding and lot fees weighs on your budget. 

Or go live in the MH at the rental house for another couple of weeks?  You said that's in a different town, maybe he'd not find out about it?  You'd have the pets and presumably power and a working bathroom. 

[resolution]

It is very obvious that he is just biding his time until you get back and he can his mom on you again. You really either need to stay in Florida or find some other place to go for a while. You are not going to be able to resist going over to help them once you are nearby.

[Blonde Granny]

Pensacola isn't much different than Orange Beach.....and let me tell you, the month we were there we sat on the balcony one afternoon for about 2 hours. Other than that, it was cold, rainy, windy and we wondered why we spent all the money  to rent the condo.

If you want warm, you've almost got to be south of I-4, and the further south you are the better it gets.

[Chocolate Lover]

Apr 2, 2015 10:35:59 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

Pensacola isn't much different than Orange Beach.....and let me tell you, the month we were there we sat on the balcony one afternoon for about 2 hours. Other than that, it was cold, rainy, windy and we wondered why we spent all the money  to rent the condo.

If you want warm, you've almost got to be south of I-4, and the further south you are the better it gets.

Yeah, it gets cold, but our worst lows are generally in the teens. If that's too cold for you then keep going south for sure.  

We do get a lot of nice days in the winter, and I've been able to wear shorts at Christmas more than once but it's kind of schizophrenic weather in the winter.

Just for the geography of it all, you can get to Orange Beach from Pensacola in about 15 minutes so the weather is completely the same.

[Works4me]

This is what I do - what is the worst thing that could happen?

If you do nothing, the worstbthingbthat happens is that the elderly sisters call the police and APS gets involved, or the neighbors call the cousin, or they end up in assisted living.

You have given all you can and all you have - your tank is on empty, you have nothing left and the problem still persists. Can you set a boundary and do no more then you have been doing while on vacation when back at home?

One other thought, have younger read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend? I ask because it might help you keep some distance from your MIL and her sister.

You are a very kind and generous person who obviously lives by the golden rule. I wish I was there to,give you a big hug, support and encouragement - you deserve only the best.

[Value Buy]

Apr 3, 2015 8:51:51 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I left there 30 years ago to quit dealing with their shit, and hubby followed. He didn't want to leave, but finally did, we would have never stayed married.  They caused me a lot of hurt dealing with DD and he was in denial. But I felt we should help his mom being in her late 80's and wasn't about to have her living with us so going back was the easiest. I did not think it would be problems like this or I never would. If his dad were still alive I would have never moved back there.

She has a granddaughter and great granddaughter that live locally, they don't call, visit, or anything, we talk to them and see them when we can.  None of the grandkids were treated very well so none are close.  I would marry into a family like that.  It's a wonder my husband is loving as he is.

And I'm 69, won't be 70 till next March.

Your husband moved because you demanded to move?
I thought he was in the oil industry.
I think I better not respond to this thread any more.
I may actually say what I think.

[Opti]

Apr 2, 2015 21:14:00 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Yes I'm thinking at least Clewiston, we are driving down in there this weekend, and likely staying overnight to look around. Not taking the motorhome for the one night will get a hotel room if we end up staying the night. To much trouble to move it for one night.

DH is going to talk to his cousin when he is home and see if they can't hire someone to stay in with them.  Someone that needs a home, can cook, and run errands, and things.  He said his great grandmother lived to something like 100 but the last 5 years I think her granddaughter had to move in with her as he thinks she was the same way.  Man this isn't looking good in that family.

He said something about retiring and coming home and the cousin and him rotating every 2 weeks.  I said I have waited all these years to have you home with me, we are 70, if you do that, I'm leaving.  I'm buying a place in Florida and I'm not staying, and I won't be back, I've had enough.  He started backpedaling real quick, said well maybe they can do something else. This may end badly for me, but I don't care at this point, I'm not devoting what years I have left to that woman. You damn right they can I'm not doing that shit.  I've spent my whole life waiting and I don't have many years left and I'm not spending them on some woman that never really thought that much of me anyway and has cussed me etc the last year, no way. They never helped me when I needed it for DD till when I left I never lost anything, I've helped more now then I intended to.  I've tried to be nice to her for what.  Karma is a bitch.

We have enough assets, I can buy a modest place if I have to and DD and I can live there until I get her in someplace here.  It won't be what I had but at least I won't be driven crazy over something like that.  I sure hope it doesn't come to that, but one never knows.

There was a lady mom paid who helped her for about 5 years before she finally had to come down with me, so maybe they can do that.  Hubby said they would be better off being able to stay there but he agrees as soon as the son leaves, they will be calling the police again in a few days.  The son said he will be back and forth all summer.  But they are going to want to go south for the winter too, hubby does think his aunt will make it there till winter, I don't either really, but who knows how fast this stuff progresses.

The son said yesterday, man this looks like something I may be looking forward too.  I told him to get a POA for his wife, he said yes, I think I need to.

You don't need to worry about me being sucked back into that very far.  It's a deteriorating situation and I think neither of the guys want to spend money to take care of it or just don't have the guts to do what needs to be done.  The son has been retired a long time now, I know they have been going to Florida in winter for many a year.  The neighbors are going to file complaints if it starts again with them calling the cops.  They all know I've had it and agree its not my responsibility.  They are pretty nice people.  I was just trying to help keep peace until the son did something, now I find he isn't, I've told them I'm done.  Believe me the mom of the kid will have no problem filing a complaint and I doubt the others will either.  The sister isn't someone they really know, they were just trying to be nice because of MIL but now they know he isn't going to do anything they will. 

 

Pat, I know you are super frustrated, but you want might to rethink this when you

feel more at peace. Your husband supported you taking care of your Mom. Why not

support him taking care of his Mom? I understand its not an ideal situation, but he'd

be the care-giver and you'd have him all to yourself every two weeks. Seems like a better

retirement plan than cutting him loose after all these years. JMO.

[Blonde Granny]

The problem, if this old 70 y/o Granny can remember, is that Pats DH was planning on retiring in Dec. 2015. She recently posted that he won't be doing that now until March 2016.

There is a huge difference with Pat caring for her own Mom while her DH continues to work, but now she is expected to care for HIS Mom while he continues to work. Then toss in an Aunt for good measure.

If he would retire now and come home permanently, then take on the full responsibility of his Mother, that would allow Pat to continue the care of their DD to the level of attention that DD needs and wants.

I'm not the most patient person and I would like say 3 simply words: YOU - HOME - NOW. He could either retire and come back, or I'd being staying as far away from Indiana as I could, more money be damned.

[Opti]

Apr 3, 2015 16:21:46 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

The problem, if this old 70 y/o Granny can remember, is that Pats DH was planning on retiring in Dec. 2015. She recently posted that he won't be doing that now until March 2016.

There is a huge difference with Pat caring for her own Mom while her DH continues to work, but now she is expected to care for HIS Mom while he continues to work. Then toss in an Aunt for good measure.

If he would retire now and come home permanently, then take on the full responsibility of his Mother, that would allow Pat to continue the care of their DD to the level of attention that DD needs and wants.

I'm not the most patient person and I would like say 3 simply words: YOU - HOME - NOW. He could either retire and come back, or I'd being staying as far away from Indiana as I could, more money be damned.

BG, I'm not addressing whether she should care for MIL now or in the future.

I'm merely addressing DH caring for MIL himself as it wouldn't seem like a nice

compromise if *I* were DH since Pat cared for her Mom. Why not me(DH) care for mine(my Mom)?

This is all going to be solved, addressed, or dealt with based on Pat and DH and not

how I would do it necessarily or someone else. The tough thing IMO with some PB relationship

advice is the board often tells people to throw it all away as if there is some great alternative

relationship just waiting in the wings for all of us. People are flawed and hopefully we love them

in spite of their flaws and issues. DH is worried about being his Mom in the near future. As it

is, he's probably convinced himself working is staving off having Dementia like his Mom.

An ultimatum is likely to make things worse, not better, but again JMO because I haven't lived

their marriage so its an educated guess at best.

I keep coming back to this thread in part because I wish Pat could gain from my experience,

but that is somewhat selfish on my part as her life is hers to live as she intends. My Grandma

had Alzheimer's and went into assisted living. It wasn't pretty when she started slipping into

that and I think my  Mom was in denial about her own slide into Alzheimer's because she didn't

want it to be true and it was her way of coping. I do wonder if working longer instead of taking

early retirement would have made a difference or not. No way to know. I do know it is easy to

miss how bad it is in the earlier stages if you aren't there week and week out for significant

pieces of time. You could ask how I know this, but you don't need to.

[Blonde Granny]

I don't need to ask how you know this......welcome to my part of the world.

[Robert not Bobby]

Apr 3, 2015 16:21:46 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

The problem, if this old 70 y/o Granny can remember, is that Pats DH was planning on retiring in Dec. 2015. She recently posted that he won't be doing that now until March 2016.

There is a huge difference with Pat caring for her own Mom while her DH continues to work, but now she is expected to care for HIS Mom while he continues to work. Then toss in an Aunt for good measure.

If he would retire now and come home permanently, then take on the full responsibility of his Mother, that would allow Pat to continue the care of their DD to the level of attention that DD needs and wants.

I'm not the most patient person and I would like say 3 simply words: YOU - HOME - NOW. He could either retire and come back, or I'd being staying as far away from Indiana as I could, more money be damned.

Blonde...is this some kind of soap opera?...or for realz?

[Opti]

Apr 3, 2015 17:24:14 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

I don't need to ask how you know this......welcome to my part of the world.

Another BTDT. Probably a lot of us.