DD & MIL's Issues

[Chocolate Lover]

Mar 18, 2015 15:42:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

Mar 18, 2015 15:24:05 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I thought they were paying MIL's bills with MIL's money, just doing the actual work of getting them paid. 

Did I ASSume again or is my reading comprehension that good? Only Pat can tell us and I hope she's in her motorhome on the road and unable to answer

Me too. I wrote something, you understood it and agreed.

I better buy a lottery ticket before my quota of miracles runs out.

I hate to break it to you, but you've run out.    

My response was to a comment in one of your posts that they were already spending their money on MIL because they were paying her bills. 

ETA: You may have one miracle left, I went back and found it, you MAY have said they were using her money. It's not all that clear. 

[Chocolate Lover]

Mar 18, 2015 15:39:05 GMT -5 Opti said:

Mar 18, 2015 15:22:40 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

You clearly expect her to overwork herself and spend the money her DH has worked so long to earn for their DD's future care on MIL instead. I'm not going back to quote. It's clear to everyone but you. 

Its clear to everyone because you all have the same or similar biases.

I know I don't think that. I also know I didn't explicitly write that.

I think, but do not know, you are all assuming I think she should overwork

herself because I am not telling her yes go on the motorhome trip, you need

a rest, it will all work out. I could be wrong. I could be reading into it like you all

are doing to me. Perhaps you just think she needs a break and want to support

that.

I support her finally fixing this MIL problem once and for all. If all we do is

support her taking trips in the motorhome to escape MIL, the problem will continue.

DH's money is going to fund motorhome escapes from what I can tell. I think

MIL money funds MIL's care.

Interesting that you see us encouraging her to escape.... we all see that the cousin will be there in a few days and if she's gone he'll get the full dose not the watered down version. EVERYONE around these ladies is keeping an eye on them one way or another, they're not abandoned. Pat wouldn't leave them if she thought they didn't have some sort of backup, it's not her style.

SO, what we're doing is encouraging a much needed break at a time when someone else will be able to finally get the full experience. We hope.

[midjd]

DH's money is going to fund motorhome escapes from what I can tell.

That's a pretty shitty thing to say about someone who has spent the entire winter taking care of a woman who once told her she didn't matter because she was "just" a DIL.

DH might be the one working overseas, but Pat is earning that money just as much as he is.

[Opti]

Mar 18, 2015 15:59:15 GMT -5 midjd said:

DH's money is going to fund motorhome escapes from what I can tell.

That's a pretty shitty thing to say about someone who has spent the entire winter taking care of a woman who once told her she didn't matter because she was "just" a DIL.

DH might be the one working overseas, but Pat is earning that money just as much as he is.

Some of DH's money *is* going to fund motorhome escapes, unless Pat

has some other funding I am unaware of.

Pat and DH's money is going to fund motorhome escapes from what I can tell.

Better? Worse?

DH's money is going to fund DD's and Pat's food from what I can tell.

Shitty? Irrelevant comment? Or OK because you didn't make an emotional assumption

that I think DH(and Pat's) money going towards groceries is a bad thing?

[Opti]

we all see that the cousin will be there in a few days and if she's gone he'll get the full dose not the watered down version.

Will he? Is he staying with them or elsewhere?

People don't see what they don't want to see.

And see what they want to or think they should see.

Even if he does get a full dose it does not follow he will

have his come to reality moment and get sis out of there.

[Opti]

Mar 18, 2015 11:21:13 GMT -5 Opti said:

So, basically, Pat should suck it up and kill herself with all the stress over this because her husband and his cousin were raised to expect her to? No, just no.

I never said that anywhere. You said it and believe that's what I believe. I don't.

They have $$. Google homecare for seniors. There are tons of organizations and options.

Thanks all, I finally found this. I can see why someone might assume I meant Pat and

DH would pay for that, but it was more generic than that. They have $$(money).

MIL has money, Pat and DH have money. There is money to pay for such a thing.

They was MIL, Pat and DH. (And possibly Sister and cousin.)

[Value Buy]

I see some people are getting beat up here for their viewpoint, and yet nothing but sympathy for Pat.
In this thread, I see it slightly different from most of you.
Pat has decided to make any and all decisions to be from her viewpoint.
Reading somewhat between the lines, it is her way or the highway.
I know she feels it is all on her, but as many have pointed out, it is her husband's problem, and yet she insists he continues working over seas, a half a world away from reality, so she has some responsibility for her present position.

IMO, Pat is wrong on this thesis. She should tell him come home permanently and handle his mother, or at least come home and deal with the residency issue before heading back.

And Pat, I am not saying this lightly, as I realize you are handling a mess, but hubby has to be here and involved right now.

[Opti]

Mar 18, 2015 15:53:50 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Mar 18, 2015 15:42:59 GMT -5 Opti said:

Me too. I wrote something, you understood it and agreed.

I better buy a lottery ticket before my quota of miracles runs out.

I hate to break it to you, but you've run out.    

My response was to a comment in one of your posts that they were already spending their money on MIL because they were paying her bills. 

ETA: You may have one miracle left, I went back and found it, you MAY have said they were using her money. It's not all that clear. 

Got it. Its over.  Almost.

 I really doubt I wrote Pat and DH are spending their money on MIL's

bills. I probably wrote they are paying them. I should ask my sib if she got POA when she

started being the one in charge of paying Mom's bills from Mom's funds.

[Pants]

Mar 18, 2015 17:12:25 GMT -5 Value Buy said:

I see some people are getting beat up here for their viewpoint, and yet nothing but sympathy for Pat.
In this thread, I see it slightly different from most of you.
Pat has decided to make any and all decisions to be from her viewpoint.
Reading somewhat between the lines, it is her way or the highway.
I know she feels it is all on her, but as many have pointed out, it is her husband's problem, and yet she insists he continues working over seas, a half a world away from reality, so she has some responsibility for her present position.

IMO, Pat is wrong on this thesis. She should tell him come home permanently and handle his mother, or at least come home and deal with the residency issue before heading back.

And Pat, I am not saying this lightly, as I realize you are handling a mess, but hubby has to be here and involved right now.

From this thread and others, I can tell you Pat has asked her DH to come home - for his mother and for their daughter. He keeps going back because he's not prepared to come home. He has been at home recently and refused to deal with the situation. How is that her fault exactly?

[Opti]

And about that "entire" winter-

ymam.proboards.com/post/2125455

[Opti]

Mar 18, 2015 20:40:50 GMT -5 @patstab said:

We have to get her to a doctor to get a written report saying she needs it. If we can't then you have to take her to court and have her declared incompetent, I'm not sure we could get that done. I think they could the sister but an incompentency hearing so I understand is quite involved. It's not that easy to take peoples

That's why I advocate documenting things. Rereading page 1, from one of your

posts its possible MIL has been having hallucinations. That bug post makes me

think she wasn't having eye problems but having a brain induced hallucination.

Maybe you can just print out your posts for the doctor. If it worries him half

as much as it does me, he should do something. I know you have to wait to

get into see him, but please show him at least what you have written here.

[Works4me]

Medical social worker here and the bottom line is this - until proven incompetent people have the right to make bad decisions, exercise poor judgement and reap the consequences of those choices. 

Some people would much rather stay at home and even die of a preventable situation. It may not be what anyone else wants for them but people do have the right to self determination. 

Concerned about driving? Report it to DMV. 

Unable to to make headway with elderly person in unsafe situation? Call APS.

The bottom line really sux but the fact is that sometimes we cannot save others from themselves. Unfortunately, everyone dies - some sooner, other later but it is  an inescapable up come of life.

One of the maxims I live by is this - no one decision determines the outcome. You have done all you can do, repeatedly - the only thing left to try is letting go. Sometimes people are not happy and just cannot be made happy. It is what it is.

Pat - I hope you have a good trip and get some rest. You have done the best you can and that is all that can be done. I just want to add that you are amazing!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Have a wonderful time Pat.  Enjoy yourself and relax when/if you can.  There's no way I relax driving a motorhome. 

[plugginaway22]

Pat be careful going in when it is dark.  They might whack you with a pan thinking you are the neighbor thief!!

[Deleted]

Pat my heart bleeds for you, you are handling SO much. You always did, but now you have even more to handle. 

I agree with Valuebuy. Enough of your DH living overseas, earning a great living, you being apart, and you dealing with your late mom, DD, your MIL (HIS mother) and her sister (HIS aunt). 

Frankly, clearly, he'd rather stay abroad than help you deal with what you need to deal with. And sorry, but that would really, really piss me off. 

I have a close friend who is my age, 55. Her DH was 7 years older. He had a very high stress but very well-paid job. He finally got out at 58 or 59. They threw a HUGE catered party, for their birthdays and his retirement. He hadn't gone out socially in 5 years, his job was too stressful. He was basically very highly paid to fly around the country/world and fire people. 

So he finally retired, and they moved to their vacation home, for two reasons: it was their dream home, but also so they could rent out their main house in my neighborhood in order to fund putting their 3 kids through college (twins and another child, so all 3 kids were born within 2 yearsr). 

Less than a year after his retirement, my friend's DH (who was in great physical shape, not overweight, he didn't smoke, he drank very moderately) drowned in shallow water in the lake where their retirement home was. He was 59, my friend was 52. He'd sent his kids back home saying he'd be home in a minute, and then he dropped dead of a heart attack.

My friend came up last week and we had dinner. She is doing as well as can be expected, but on some level, she is broken. They had SO many dreams together! And now it's too late. 

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. you post about how your DH is going to do YET ANOTHER stint abroad, because he earns such a great salary, yada yada yada, I think of my friend, and I think, Gd willing. 

I truly hope you can enjoy time together with your DH, but the more time that goes on, frankly, the less likely it is that you will have any significant amount of time together. And Lord knows you certainly deserve it. 

Good luck to both of you, and please forgive me for being so outspoken.

[seriousthistime]

Mar 20, 2015 19:42:45 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Oh I understand, but he would rather drop dead from working then boredom. I understand that believe me.

Is that what YOU would rather he do?  The only people who drop dead from boredom are the people who allow themselves to become bored to death, and he doesn't seem the type. He has no idea what might interest him once he has time to think about it.  People here will practically trample each other to hire a good handyman, and from what you've said he's very handy around the house.  Why not retire and then go into the handyman business?  He could work when he wanted, not take jobs when he wanted, and probably already has the tools he needs.

At some point all of us have to be willing to ask whether the money we make is worth the price that we pay.  Seems to me he is asking YOU to pay a very high price for the money he makes.  Life is not about the almighty dollar, at some point you have enough money.  And when you reach that point, more than enough isn't worth it the price.  Does he love the work so much that he would do it for a small fraction of the income?  If not, it's all about the money.

I'm with the others.  I'd say ENOUGH, get your butt home, and actually live in the place the two of you chose together when you uprooted your life from Texas. 

[Blonde Granny]

Just what you need, 2 properties in different states and you won't be able to take care of either of them. Sheesh! Find a park model somewhere big enough for you both and DD. You know how RV parks are, someone is always walking around looking for somebody to talk to. Outside maintenance is done for a monthly fee. Then, sell the motor home and get rid of that drain on time and money. Drive your SUV back and forth.

[Ombud]

Wisconsin Beth, maybe

#$% R^&YTG #$^& &*)( husband's cousin (or whatever he is)  Until he gets the daily calls about her, he's not going to pull his head out of his ass.

has a plan for her to be forced into assisted living & all this caregiving is just delaying the inevitable?

[seriousthistime]

Interesting point, Ombud. 

[mollyanna58]

Mar 23, 2015 19:41:53 GMT -5 @patstab said:

We have discussed that possibility too of selling the motorhome. But he doesn't want to live in a place where everything is taken care of the man generates more work in me trying to have fun then anyone I ever saw.

I would like to have something like that but he doesn't want to pay what it costs, so I doubt that will happen.

He is an odd duck. Like he was telling me today, I wouldn't worry about the traffic in Atlanta I would drive through at midnight, I said yes, that works well for someone that couldn't even see good enough to get DD 40 miles from where we live to an MRI. I had a time seeing that morning. Gotta love that man, maybe he isn't aging but I am.

The point is: he's not the one living there.  Or really anywhere in the US.  You are.  It's time to make your life easier.  If hubby wants to keep working to pull in the big bucks, and not incidentally, hang out with his work buddies, then use some of those big bucks to make your life better. 

[Value Buy]

Pat, Are you down in Florida now?

[Green Eyed Lady]

I've been reading along, Pat, and I have no advice for you.  Just wanted to tell you that I do admire you and wish I had a heart half as big as yours.  I'm very glad you are getting some time off to relax.

I did read one of your posts that hurt my heart.  It was the one where you said you feel a bit guilty about spending money and feel your trips are your "only indulgence".  You have earned every cent that you have  - just as much if not more - than your husband has.  I absolutely believe in working to pay your own way in this world...and you have done that 100 times over.  Maybe I read your post wrong, but I sure hope you don't have any guilt feelings for having some time for you.

I also read a post where someone felt that you are saying that it's your way or no way.  Perhaps you do feel like that but since you are the only one there taking care of everyone, I don't see how that's so wrong.  If I'm doing all the work, you can bet it's going to be my way.  I see no problem with that.

I have no advice because even though I have dealt with just a small portion of what you are dealing with, I realize everyone is different.  It would be so easy if there was a manual with directions to follow...steps to take.  I know you'll find your way.

All the best to you, Pat. 

[Green Eyed Lady]

Happy Birthday to you tomorrow.  Wishing sunshine, peace and relaxation for you.  And Happy Anniversary, too!

[NoNamePerson]

@patstab I don't mean to be a debbie downer but wondered if you knew there was a recall recently on Blue Bell Ice Cream. Just an FYI for you and DD. 

I'll go see if I can find a link about it or you might want to google and see if where you are is part of the recall. And maybe by now they have it all off the "shelves/freezers"

[Deleted]

Pat, it seems like you're just the kind of person that likes having stuff to do. Nothing wrong with that. I have a friend that finds cleaning the house relaxing. I don't understand that, but whatever works lol.

Since its your birthday and you went away to relax, can you and your daughter stay at a hotel for a couple of nights and let someone else worry about cleaning and making things nice just for a little while? I understand that might not be your cup of tea. But unless you're like my friend who sees relaxation where I see chores, why not take a break from the motor home related duties too. Washing and cleaning it constantly doesn't sound very relaxing to me. But that's just me. Whatever you do, I hope you enjoy your time away. And I can't go back and see exactly which day it is or was without losing this post,but Happy Birthday!

[Blonde Granny]

When my Mom fell and broke her hip 4 years ago , DH and I left the following day for the 7 hour drive to where she lived. Our son lived 50 miles away, own his own business and has 3 kids with a busy life. He does however have the medical POA as does my brother who lives 1400 mi away.

When speaking to the social worker from the hospital about where DM was going to go for rehab, she made the mistake of asking me if I had POA. I turned and looked around, then not so politely said " Do you see anyone else standing here to talk to? I'm it! She was slightly offended but not enough to make an issue out of it.

I felt if the peanut gallery who did have her POA couldn't bother to be there, the least they could do was STFU!

Happy birthday Pay.  I turned 70 in December...and I got a shiny new pace maker as my gift.  And happy anniversary too!

[Deleted]

Wait, you're thinking about moving to Florida now? I ASSumed that when you recently moved north that was where you were planning to stay.

[Deleted]

He asked me if I needed him to quit in July and I said if he wanted to work till December go ahead so that's on me.

Wow. That's your choice, Pat, but then you have to stop complaining that you're alone with DD and your in-law issues and that he's not with you. And you can't complain about wanting to be together with him, if he's offered that, and you've told him no. Frankly I'm astounded, I never assumed he'd be willing to stop working and you'd tell him not to. Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe he's had enough too?! Or at least that he finally realizes he can't keep leaving you to deal with everything?!

You can't have it both ways. Given what you describe, I can certainly understand why your DH would prefer to continue with the status quo, but it sounds like on some level, his absence suits you too. 

I think most of us would have said, You bet! Yes, thank you, please make arrangements to come home in July.

[marvholly]

Happy birthday Pat.

I knew we were close in age. My 69th is in June.

Re: DD’s haircut: do you have/have you tried Great Clips? I went to Super Cuts for YEARS until the gal I found retired and the other staff could NOT handle my almost Negro type hair. Went to Great clips because I had a VERY cheap coupon. Found a guy I liked but he quit last Aug. Have used a couple other people since then & have been happy.

[Deleted]

Happy birthday!