Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 19, 2015 10:33:52 GMT -5
Wanderers?
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Dec 19, 2015 14:06:39 GMT -5
I have always been the tough, strong one that took care of everything. I feel that way too -- though I'm sure my siblings would disagree (such short memories they have!). David Foster Wallace was a novelist that some people in literary circles consider the most influential author in the U.S. in recent history. He spoke at a college commencement in 2005. His speech, which was published as a book called This is Water, is somewhat famous. From that speech, I have this quote tacked onto my home bulletin board right above my desk. "Part of being an adult is developing the discipline to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over." Whenever I start to wander off into the "why is it always me?" or "why am I stuck in this situation?" I read that quote.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 19, 2015 21:07:08 GMT -5
Yes, it is Medicaid that will take over the payments for your MIL when her money runs out. Please don't throw your money away by spending it on her. That is why she has money and is the reason the system is set up the way it is.
In the state where I live, they get to pay health insurance and keep $50 per month. Because their income is so low, they qualify for extra help for the co-pays on their prescriptions so pay for nothing out of pocket.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Dec 19, 2015 21:28:05 GMT -5
That is just so sad. I am so sorry that you have been treated like this.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 19, 2015 22:20:08 GMT -5
My apologies, I get Medicare and Medicaid mixed up, but you are correct that it is Medicaid that takes over.
Pat, I'm jus worried that you are making yourself sick worrying so much. You need to stay healthy for your DH. He will be home tomorrow and it should be a joyous time for everyone. Safe travels tomorrow to the airport and back, I can't even imagine how good it will feel to have him back home.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 20, 2015 1:06:38 GMT -5
And moving her is going to generate even more problems I'm sure. get some sleep -- I'm sure the people in the locked (memory care) facility can deal with it so it won't be your problem
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 20, 2015 12:55:34 GMT -5
And moving her is going to generate even more problems I'm sure. get some sleep -- I'm sure the people in the locked (memory care) facility can deal with it so it won't be your problem Fixed
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 20, 2015 12:58:25 GMT -5
Happy to read you got a good night's sleep.
Do you understand that you can not reason with your MIL because of the Ahlzheimer's? She is not capable of understanding or reasoning nor are the other people you saw.
Good advice on not to bring MIL home for Christmas. Hope your hubby listens.
An evaluation or assessment should have happened where she is now. Good sign the place where you want to move her wants to do one.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 20, 2015 22:15:19 GMT -5
Hand her over to your DH now, Pat, and let him deal with it.
He must be exhausted and it also hurts to see his mother this way.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 21, 2015 19:49:18 GMT -5
Pat, something we found with my mother was when she started hallucinating she usually had a UTI, but never complained, so nobody knew unless she was tested. This usually happened when she did not drink enough fluid, so my sister would have her take a natural cranberry mineral.
I'm glad dh is home and can see how hard all this has been on you and you're correct in making him handle her. It's hard because she is his mother, but things have to been done in order to protect her and for your own sanity.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 21, 2015 20:16:04 GMT -5
Ok, we are moving her tomorrow. The new assisted living accepted her and she was excited about seeing her sister. We don't know if it will work but we have no choice. We had 2 more nights of her trying to leave and that is not going to work.
We also are eating Christmas dinner over there, I convinced hubby NOT to bring her out here. So we will have lunch with she and her sister, take a couple of gifts and DD will go with us too.
The atmosphere seemed so much more friendly. We are going to have to pay extra and its going to end up costing more but just the way it is, nothing we can do about it. It's still cheaper then $7k a month.
@patstab , please remember to use either MIL own money, or money subject to medicaid claw back only (document all you spend for her) I hope you and hubby have a long and happy time together ahead of you and you should not risk running out of money prematurely. You deserve a stress freeor low stress time from now on
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 21, 2015 20:17:16 GMT -5
I'm glad dh is home and can see how hard all this has been on you and you're correct in making him handle her. It's hard because she is his mother, but things have to been done in order to protect her and for your own sanity. I do hope this works for everybody concerned. Yes, a nursing home will need to happen if this doesn't work. I really, really hope it works for all concerned.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Dec 22, 2015 18:52:11 GMT -5
Rest Pat. Cookies can wait for another day.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Dec 22, 2015 18:54:32 GMT -5
Rest Pat. Cookies can wait for another day. Yeah that.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 22, 2015 20:02:52 GMT -5
Pat, I'm glad the move went smoothly and that your DH went for the emergency guardianship. If money is that important to your DH, then maybe use that as the dangling carrot when needed in dealing with his mom's care. That maybe not fair and right, but if it can help him see that she needs certain care, it may be the best thing.
Please get some rest, this crud takes a while to get over, even if you "think" you're feeling better.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 20:43:37 GMT -5
"JOY TO THE WORLD, MR. PAT IS HOME..."
Seriously, have a wonderful time with your family, Pat! (And continue to get better!)
Merry Christmas!
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 23, 2015 7:47:52 GMT -5
Regarding the VA: The VSO who filed the claim will be the first to be notified of the decision. Shortly after, if your MIL technically filed the claim and was the one who signed it, she will receive what is called " the BBE". BBE stands for big brown envelope. And like the government, it likely will be a big white envelope. Inside will be all the paperwork from the VA fully explaining why they did or did not approve the claim.
If approved, by the time the BBE arrives, the first payment will be in the account designated to receive the deposits.
After dealing with the VA as recently as yesterday when I filed a claim for me to receive what is called DIC, I can tell you there is no rhyme or reason for most of what they do. If the claim for MIL is not approved then there are additional options for filing paperwork for NOD (notice of disagree) or MIL could file an appeal. Discussing that with the VSO is the only certain way to decide what is the best option.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Dec 23, 2015 20:44:15 GMT -5
Pat,
If she doesn't already have one, get her a calendar and when you visit write it on the calendar. Put something like "Son & Pat here" on the date square.
If she can't remember, don't try to force her to remember, change the subject. She's not trying to hurt you, she honestly can't remember.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 23, 2015 20:54:19 GMT -5
The calendar is a good idea! My Mom was mixing up her days and months towards the end, & I used to cross off the days on her calendar when I visited to help her stay on track. (She still got confused, but I think it helped.)
I agree that she really can't remember. And, she probably lashes out because it's very scary for her. But then, the logical thought process is no longer working. You can't make them remember, so changing the subject is a great idea. Most likely, she won't remember what you were talking about 5 minutes later anyway...
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 23, 2015 22:03:21 GMT -5
My aunt could not remember when people visited her. She always told any visitor that nobody ever came to see her so they did put a calendar in her room so her son and grandsons would know she had visitors. She didn't look at the calendar but at least they knew people went to see her.
It's not her fault she can't remember. It's the horrid disease.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Dec 24, 2015 9:58:40 GMT -5
Oh my God, tell me this isn't true.
I was baking cookies for DD. I saw hubby go in the kitchen, I can see the couch and through 2 doorways to the kitchen right beside me.
When DD came in to get hers, I was teasing them and said well your dad just about got them but they weren't done yet. I said he was in there looking. He comes back from the couch, serious as all get out and said I wasn't in the kitchen. I thought he was teasing and he says more forcefully I wasn't in the kitchen. I said oh my God, honey, please not you too. I'm hoping it was just a mental lapse or something but that scares the hell out of me. His mom would be an angel compared to dealing with him. I almost wanted to agree and say no I didn't see you. I'm hoping he is just tired which we both are. I am really afraid, he told me he has been forgetting all kinds of stuff of late. I'm not sure how much more of all this I can take.
Will just have to pay attention and if I see some of that try and get him to a doc. Like I told him before if we could have gotten his mom earlier maybe we could have slowed it down. I think I am going to get a DNA test and see if its something I have a marker for, we haven't had it in my family on either side but you never know. He said they have it in both sides of his family, damn. Please tell me you both have health care powers of attorney for each other. As you do the guardianship papers for MIL, this would be an easy thing to get done at the same time, and without having to make it a chore on its own. It's just, you're at the lawyer's, let's do this too. Since you would be naming him as your POA, he shouldn't object to naming you as his POA, I hope.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Dec 24, 2015 12:32:57 GMT -5
Oh my God, tell me this isn't true.
I was baking cookies for DD. I saw hubby go in the kitchen, I can see the couch and through 2 doorways to the kitchen right beside me.
When DD came in to get hers, I was teasing them and said well your dad just about got them but they weren't done yet. I said he was in there looking. He comes back from the couch, serious as all get out and said I wasn't in the kitchen. I thought he was teasing and he says more forcefully I wasn't in the kitchen. I said oh my God, honey, please not you too. I'm hoping it was just a mental lapse or something but that scares the hell out of me. His mom would be an angel compared to dealing with him. I almost wanted to agree and say no I didn't see you. I'm hoping he is just tired which we both are. I am really afraid, he told me he has been forgetting all kinds of stuff of late. I'm not sure how much more of all this I can take.
Will just have to pay attention and if I see some of that try and get him to a doc. Like I told him before if we could have gotten his mom earlier maybe we could have slowed it down. I think I am going to get a DNA test and see if its something I have a marker for, we haven't had it in my family on either side but you never know. He said they have it in both sides of his family, damn. Please tell me you both have health care powers of attorney for each other. As you do the guardianship papers for MIL, this would be an easy thing to get done at the same time, and without having to make it a chore on its own. It's just, you're at the lawyer's, let's do this too. Since you would be naming him as your POA, he shouldn't object to naming you as his POA, I hope. Would the health care POAs be needed since they are already spouses/next-of-kin and assuming they have not designated anyone else? Although I guess living wills would help clarify their wishes and are usually done at the same time.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 24, 2015 14:56:49 GMT -5
We'll just pray that your DH is over-tired, Pat. It may take a week or more for him to adjust to the time change, not to mention to start dealing with everything with your MIL.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Dec 24, 2015 15:26:16 GMT -5
The spouse is the default option. But the POA can be used to specify when they take effect, when they end, and can impose certain conditions before the powers are exercised. Through the document you can also limit what powers you want your POA to have. So yeah, they're good to have even if you're married.
Living wills are usually limited to end-of-life decisions. There are medical issues that arise that are temporary and do not involve end-of-life decisions but there still could be decisions to be made. A brain injury or stroke could leave a patient unable to make decisions while he or she is recovering. That's why we need both the POA and the living will.
But even living wills are not perfect. My stepfather had one, my mother had predeceased him, and his eldest biological daughter was his successor POA. But her siblings did not agree about removing him from life support and either the hospital would not honor the living will without the kids agreeing, or she didn't tell the hospital that he had a living will. Not sure which.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 24, 2015 16:28:36 GMT -5
Yup, my grandfather had my mom then my oldest aunt as successor for his medical decisions because he knew the younger two girls would not follow his wishes. Even though he was in a locked facility crapping in diapers with dementia, he ended up having surgery on his colon because the younger two fussed and the doctors and hospital caved in. So an already mindless man was incapacitated and terrified even more by a surgery that prolonged his existence.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 24, 2015 21:29:46 GMT -5
Yes, it is. My niece is my medical POA because she is a nurse. My 2nd oldest nephew is my executor and financial POA because my sister won't do what I want regarding a funeral. I don't want a funeral and she doesn't believe in cremation. I'm paying for it and that is what I want.
He said my niece can't stand up to her mother and I agree. She'll do fine on the medical stuff because I saw her make sure mom got her wishes met re: DNR and no more doctors once she was in hospice. Sister won't interfere there.
Nephew will just tell her he has the authority and do it. We went to lunch and had a long discussion about my wishes and they are all in writing for him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 25, 2015 7:36:17 GMT -5
It really ruined what was left of our family. The older two never truly forgave the younger two and the younger two felt the older two wanted him dead. Well, hell, he was already dead, his body just didn't know it.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Dec 25, 2015 11:26:32 GMT -5
I agree, zib, that is very sad.
Let us think lighter, happier thoughts today. The day is what we make of it. I hope you all make the best of today.
"Enjoy every sandwich."
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 25, 2015 13:43:36 GMT -5
I had a bad moment this am but have been okay ever since. The day is almost done and I've survived it. The kids got me a beautiful purse and wallet and a fit bit with changeable bands so I can match it to clothes!
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Dec 25, 2015 21:01:19 GMT -5
My down day was yesterday. I had my first bout of anger toward DH due to the car situation he left me with. I guess I figure it's his fault that I don't like this new car I traded for. I want my big SUV back.....I hadn't cried that much all together as what I did yesterday.
Today has been wonderful. BBQ plate from favorite restaurant for lunch, spent a lot of time talking with my neighbor who lost her husband a couple of years ago. Came back to my house for more talk and hot tea. All in all, no time for tears, just lots of memories and sharing experiences.
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