Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 15, 2015 11:30:44 GMT -5
•Vascular dementia - If the oxygen supply to the brain is reduced because of narrowing or blockage of blood vessels, some brain cells become damaged or die. This causes vascular dementia. The symptoms can occur either suddenly following one large stroke, or over time through a series of small strokes or damage to small blood vessels deep in the brain. The symptoms of vascular dementia vary and may overlap with those of Alzheimer's disease. Many people have difficulties with problem-solving or planning, thinking quickly and concentrating. They may also have short periods when they get very confused. This sounds like what dad had -- of course his confusion was just chalked up to 12 MIs, 3 CVAs, including 1 when coming out of anesthesia following FX hip surgery. Except the periods of confusion lasted days .... which is why we never left him home alone. Sooo thankful that the 9 of us + mom were willing to pitch in
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 15, 2015 13:41:43 GMT -5
Probably because IMO if you accepted it was a physical disease like if she had congestive heart failure or kidney disease, you wouldn't continually be thinking and writing sentences like this-
"He has been a good person, always done the right thing about his family and this is what he is dished out."
Pat it sucks, but the disease does not exist or progress because DH is a good son or not. It has its own agenda. And so far it seems you are lucky in that she is not a violent or abusive person with dementia. I know you are frustrated, but the state wouldn't magically be able to put her in a memory care unit easier than you can. If the state could do that at all and had the funds to do so.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Dec 15, 2015 13:54:39 GMT -5
Pat, I'm sorry that you have been put in the position of dealing with this but s he is too sick to stay in assisted living.Do take care if yourself and get well soon.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 15, 2015 16:33:53 GMT -5
Pat, I hope it is just the exhaustion or meds talking but it only "ruins the rest of (y)our lives" if you let it. Place her, visit when in town, get out there and enjoy yourselves. You've earned it
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Dec 15, 2015 20:14:18 GMT -5
My Grandma had sundowner's later in life. She did okay at home but when she was in the hospital or rehab it was another story. One night the hospital called my Dad and Grandma had gotten out of bed and closed the door to her room. She was sitting on the floor on the other side of the door and wouldn't let anyone in. Dad and the hospital staff finally got into the room and my Dad then spent the rest of the night wrestling with my Grandma to keep her in bed. He said he didn't realize that a 92 year old women could be so strong. At one point she reached up and grabbed his nose and twisted it as hard as she could.
The next day I think the doctor prescribed something to knock her out at night. He got calls a couple other times to go back to the hospital at night but it was not as bad as that first night she was there.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 15, 2015 20:30:42 GMT -5
After all the stuff she said to him I'm sure she made him feel bad enough he thinks he has to do more. I don't think its all dementia I think she lived with his dad so many years she turned mean like him. The lady last night even said you just don't know how good these people are to you, it was plain horrible. That would make me want to do less
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 15, 2015 22:58:29 GMT -5
The care she will receive in a memory care until will be best for her. That should be the primary consideration. Don't they look at what she can pay, not what you can pay?
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 15, 2015 23:05:25 GMT -5
The care she will receive in a memory care until will be best for her. That should be the primary consideration. Don't they look at what she can pay, not what you can pay? And once her funds are exhausted doesn't Medicaid take over?
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 15, 2015 23:16:49 GMT -5
That is what has happened in the cases of the rep payee clients for whom I pay the bills.
We are looking at dad's funds only if he has to go to a nursing home. At 92, he is showing no signs of dementia, but a nursing home is a possibility.
My aunt with dementia went directly on Medicaid as she had no funds. She also was not given a choice of where to go. She fell and was hospitalized while living alone. Uncle had her taken to hospital by ambulance. Doctor would only release her to memory care unit as he said she was not capable of living alone.
Her sister, on the other hand, had to pay for her nursing home care because she owned a farm that was being rented out. She passed away before the farm had to be sold for her care. The rent from crops was paying for her care. Two entirely different situations.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 15, 2015 23:31:15 GMT -5
We were fortunate that my own Mom was able to pay her own bills at the nursing home. As her care needs increased, & the monthly bills were more than her monthly pension (Dad's pension) and social security, she began dipping into her savings. Fortunately, her savings lasted until she passed. But, the nursing home asked me to keep track of her assets, and when I estimated the last of her money would be gone in 6 months, I needed to notify them so that in 6 months she'd be put onto Medicaid.
I just mention this so you know that you'll never need to use your own money. There is a system in place for when her assets run out. Yes, her real estate will have to be sold (unless it had previously been put into a trust fund), but you don't need to pay out of your own pocket.
Sadly, I agree with the other that your MIL sounds like she is past the point where assisted-living is a safe place for her to live. Your husband should not have to "baby-sit". He may feel guilty, but I have met some people with dementia/Alzheimer's who got really mean at the end of their lives. If they haven't acted like this previously, it is the dementia that makes them act this way. Some get sad when they are confused, and some get very angry, which can include swearing (even if they've never done it before) and hitting.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 15, 2015 23:39:01 GMT -5
So @patstab cannot be financially responsible for either her DD or MIL. At least that hasn't changed
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2015 5:57:10 GMT -5
Is there any way you can stop talking about this to your husband not only now but for a few days after he gets home? Give it a rest. He barely gets home and your DD is there. I don't see why you can't get her the 22nd or 23 rd and give him a few days to adjust to being home, time change and all, and actually look forward to being there. I'm sorry his mom is bad off and that you're mentally exhausted as well as physically ill, and that he's never had to deal with any of this like you have but give it a break. For both your sakes. He can deal with his mother a few days later not when he freaking gets off the plane practically. Perhaps the place can help you by giving you a list of places where she can be put and you guys can check them out after Christmas.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2015 5:59:03 GMT -5
I'm not trying to be mean but he should be looking forward to coming home.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Dec 16, 2015 6:44:29 GMT -5
Pat I, too, planned on suggesting in a couple days that ypou be sure to give your DH time to get used to the time change and decompress from his job before throwing everything at him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 16, 2015 16:36:25 GMT -5
Rest.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 16, 2015 19:08:45 GMT -5
I know they tell you not to anymore but a small slug of Vicks in the throat is the only thing that soothes and stops it for a bit so I can sleep This is what my dad has always done. Pat, Medicaid patients are not treated differently in nursing home and memory care units than full pay patients. I was told by several nursing homes that the people doing the care do not know who is on Medicaid and who isn't. One of my clients said you are in a double room if you are on Medicaid. Well, my aunt on Medicaid had a single room and my aunt on full pay was in a double because she wanted company. Please stop calling them locked units. They are memory care units and people are placed there because that is where they get the best care for them.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Dec 18, 2015 1:20:08 GMT -5
I'm sorry you are facing this situation, but it seems to me that she needs more care than an assisted living facility can offer. Even if the outside doors are locked, she would still be able to wander the facility. Perhaps not as dangerous, but still not good either.
A couple months ago you were adamant that she and her sister could absolutely not be together.
You keep saying "maybe she could last a little longer" but what is the benefit to her in doing that?
Your hubby will be home in a couple days. Maybe then he will be able to spend some time with her, get a better grasp of the situation and go fron there?
Again, I'm sorry. I know it's a tough situation with no easy answers.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 18, 2015 9:19:26 GMT -5
We can't keep paying someone to be there every night. Is she out of money? I wasn't aware that you were writing checks out of your account. Does she have property that you can sell in a hurry to increase her cash stash?
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 18, 2015 9:45:28 GMT -5
No she is not out of money but it won't take long and then when she is the only place will be a nursing home and she is not physically ill. If she could stay there which isn't going to be feasible I don't think, once VA kicks in we could handle it from now on, even the other assisted living home. But anywhere else will eat up the money in 1 to 2 years, then her only alternative is a nursing home.
That's why my husband is wanting to buy SIL out, then we have 2 more places we can rent out and can help offset the cost, plus the other one we bought, we can throw that money in the pot too. Then we can continue for a long time. I know its very challenging because you are not near any of the facilities she should be in and cost is a factor. Try to remember, she is physically ill. Her brain is shrinking and losing function. Some people with dementia are treated with drugs to modify anxiety, agitation, etc. Like your Mom, that might be their only physical illness.
I know the other assisted place sounds like a good choice to you because of the doors, but if she is wily and focused, she will follow other people to get out. Where I work I've watched patients use the comings and goings of staff and visitors to get out the door. They are cajoled back inside quickly because of wander guards. I wouldn't expect you'd be that lucky given how things have happened in her current ASL.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Dec 18, 2015 9:53:51 GMT -5
I can't remember, have you visited/talked to any of the nursing homes? They are not all bad.
How old is she?
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 18, 2015 10:09:41 GMT -5
Your DH is 69.5 so I figure she's close to 90? In 1-2 years she might need a nursing home anyway so try to not worry yourself sick.
Sometimes I wonder if you're so used to taking care of everyone ex you & your DH that you forgot how to take care of yourself. You worry about them, who worries about you
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Dec 18, 2015 11:02:58 GMT -5
When my grandmother was first placed in a nursing home, she was very physically active. She thought she was there to work, so would help out and clean up the dining area after meals, etc. She was placed in July 2007, she passed in March of 2011. It was a steady decline. MIL may seem physically fine, but she already is forgetting to eat. At a nursing home, they would make sure she made it to meals, or meals were delivered to her room. Eventually my grandmother forgot how to eat/swallow. It may seem like she could live for a very long time, but as the dementia progresses, she will decline more rapidly. I'm not saying this to be a Debbie Downer, but this may not go one as long as you think.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 18, 2015 11:39:28 GMT -5
Had a thought driving in today. You've been a caregiver for so long have you forgotten how to be anything else? Is this the same kind of mental shift one goes thru after retirement? Are you hanging onto your 'job' of taking care of DD then MIL? A retirement support thread?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 18, 2015 11:44:20 GMT -5
No she is not out of money but it won't take long and then when she is the only place will be a nursing home and she is not physically ill
Yes she is. Dementia is a physical process resulting in the degradation of the brain. It's not just "in her head" so to speak.
I understand wanting what is best for her, but you're going to put yourself into the grave worrying about her money. Personally I'd spend it down and let the chips fall where they may. From reading the boards on here my understanding is a lot of nursing homes will continue to care for someone if they started as self paying and then later move onto Medicaid.
It might be a smarter idea to move her NOW while she's still self paying and then when the money is gone she's already placed.
Pat they've told you now multiple times they aren't capable of handling your MIL's issues. Stop trying to force them to do it and stop giving yourself a headache trying to find babysitters.
She really needs to be in a place that can care for her properly. You seem to think nursing homes/a locked unit will be like jail. Is the alternative where she escapes this facilty and actually makes it to the interstate a better alternative? Or that she ends up hurting one of the people who you are sending to babysit her?
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Dec 18, 2015 18:18:08 GMT -5
Your DH is 69.5 so I figure she's close to 90? In 1-2 years she might need a nursing home anyway so try to not worry yourself sick. Sometimes I wonder if you're so used to taking care of everyone ex you & your DH that you forgot how to take care of yourself. You worry about them, who worries about you All of us lol!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Dec 18, 2015 18:53:53 GMT -5
I have always been the tough, strong one that took care of everything. LOL! I had someone accuse me of being the "tough, strong one that took care of everything". I told 'em that wasn't true. I was the wimp who couldn't say no!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 18, 2015 20:52:45 GMT -5
I have always been the tough, strong one that took care of everything. Right now, you need to back off trying to take care of your MIL and take care of yourself. Assisted living is not the answer for your MIL. She has a disease. IMO, this assisted living facility did not assess her properly when they took her in. If they had, they would not have accepted her. She needs to be in a facility that can properly care for her and it is not assisted living. My friend and her sister went to put their mother in assisted living in June. The arrangements had been made without their mother being assessed by the facility. When they did their assessment, they refused to take her and she had to go to a memory care unit because she needed the care. They put her there because it was the best thing for their mother. That is how you and your DH need to be thinking: what is best for your MIL? Where will she get the best care?
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 18, 2015 21:13:33 GMT -5
I have always been the tough, strong one that took care of everything. Right now, you need to back off trying to take care of your MIL and take care of yourself. Assisted living is not the answer for your MIL. She has a disease. IMO, this assisted living facility did not assess her properly when they took her in. If they had, they would not have accepted her. She needs to be in a facility that can properly care for her and it is not assisted living.
My friend and her sister went to put their mother in assisted living in June. The arrangements had been made without their mother being assessed by the facility. When they did their assessment, they refused to take her and she had to go to a memory care unit because she needed the care. They put her there because it was the best thing for their mother.
That is how you and your DH need to be thinking: what is best for your MIL? Where will she get the best care?
Bolded: This is what my sister went through with our mother even though my other sister (a doctor) told her that mom needed a memory care facility, the assisted living place lasted two weeks before it was requested that mom be moved because they were not equipped to handle her needs. It was more out of guilt and denial on my older sister's part, but it turned out to be the best for mom and my oldest sister. Mom had much better care and we all had a load lifted off of us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 22:19:18 GMT -5
Pat, I recall reading online last year somewhere (WebMD?) that the general duration of dementia is only 4-7 yrs...don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure that's what I read. My own MIL is following that pattern, for sure.
Please try and rest...btw if you haven't tried online meditative music/classical/nature sounds;birdsong/waterfall;forest audio to calm yourself, you should seek some out...works like a charm for me..almost as well as a massage!
So glad your DH is finally retiring! Enjoy yourselves! Peacefully!
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 19, 2015 0:39:53 GMT -5
Pat, once her funds run out, it will be Medicare that takes over. With her SS and VA assistance Medicare takes care of the rest. IT WILL NOT BE YOUR MONEY!! Sorry I'm yelling, but you need to understand that YOU will not be financially responsible for her care. She will get good care with the Medicare and you may need to provide for extras, i.e. hair appts., adult diapers, hand cream, anything EXTRA that you want her to have, but Medicare care will not provide.
Medical/Medicare has changed from the past, it's not like it used to be where the elderly were basically placed in a nursing home where there was minimal care and they were basically left do die. The medical community does everything possible to make sure that they are taken care of and have a life of dignity.
I'm saying this as someone who has been there/done that and had an eye opening experience. My mom actually had the best care that my sisters and I could never have given her. She also had no assets, no money, she was dependent for years on my sisters and I for financial help. That's another very long sorry, but she was homeless and at the bottom of the barrel, so to speak.
I wish you and your family the best and I hope that you can get some rest soon. You really need to focus on becoming well, so that your DH and YOU can spend the quality time together that you both deserve.
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