Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Dec 26, 2015 11:25:32 GMT -5
Who cares if he's mad? It's a free country and that's the best place for your MIL! He just wants to back you into a corner where you take care of all their issues again like you've always done -- both of them -- MIL & sister. SISTER IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 26, 2015 12:02:18 GMT -5
Who cares if he's mad? It's a free country and that's the best place for your MIL! He just wants to back you into a corner where you take care of all their issues again like you've always done -- both of them -- MIL & sister. SISTER IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Stay Strong!
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Dec 26, 2015 13:11:52 GMT -5
If Cousin is upset, he can come home and supervise his mother to make sure she's wherever he wants her for his convenience when he calls. Not. Your. Problem. I would think he should be able to see that her being out and interacting with other residents is a good thing, something that could slow further cognitive decline.
Take care of your own responsibilities and leave his responsibilities for him to deal with. Again, not you problem, not your responsibility.
I hope you were able to have some peaceful space to enjoy the holiday.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Dec 26, 2015 13:15:17 GMT -5
Hugs for zib and Blonde Granny.
Thinking of you as you negotiate your altered personal landscapes and sending good thoughts for finding peace and comfort.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Dec 26, 2015 15:01:47 GMT -5
Pat, I thought about you today. One of the patients who used to live on the skilled nursing side moved to the assisted living side very recently. Today she was not happy at all and I think most of it was all the change was confusing her. I hope she settles down tomorrow or very soon, but it was a reminder of how some people at certain stages handle changes badly.
I hope things work out for MIL and her sister. Don't let the complaining get you down, but for some people seemingly minor disruptions in their routine can cause larger issues.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2015 17:51:22 GMT -5
.
Hubbys cousin is giving us fits because we put MIL there. She is disrupting his moms routine per him. The facility and sitter and no one else sees any problem. He is in the south for the winter and I told hubby all that is wrong is he wants his 3 months down there. We told him we would help look out for her since DH is home. He has been mad because she wasn't in her room when he called etc and he is blaming MIL.
We did find out her sister had spent 2 nights with her and put a stop to that, not sure why our sitter let that happen. But the admin said that was likely more helpful to them both then harmful.
The admin said they are out and about, interacting with other clients and she doesn't understand what is wrong with him. I told hubby I think he is still mad at me because I kept telling him she had problems and he wouldn't listen. Who knows. Like DH said we have nowhere else to put her. He wouldn't even have gotten his mom in here or known about VA if not for me. I say BS, he is from northern Indiana and this is where we live and we are supposed to move her 40 miles away from here because of his mom? What is wrong with this picture, this is only her 3rd day there. We are stopping the sitter Saturday night and hubby and I are going over for a couple of nights to make sure she is ok. If not we will rotate a bit longer.
Anyway right now the son is giving us more grief then MIL is. We understand why he is nervous but if MIL is causing that much trouble she will have to be moved anyway. If its not one thing its another. This home is helping us more, they see she has Ensure at 8 at night and another bottle in the morning to break that long fast without food. We think that will help her.
Sorry, Pat, but your MIL's sister's son cannot be blamed for being concerned about the effect on his mother. I'm sure it has been a struggle to get her settled down in this facility. You talked a lot about how they affected each other negatively with her making your MIL more paranoid. You specifically didn't want them in the same institution originally.
He can't make you move your MIL, but he doesn't have to like the fact that she is there. His mother had probably developed a routine where he could call at a certain time to talk with her. Now he can't. In fact, she apparently didn't sleep in her own room at all.
I'll be honest and tell you that I would be upset if I were him as well. If you are honest about it, you would have been upset, too, if your MIL was settled and the sister then moved to her facility.
It's a tough situation for all of you. Just remember that.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 26, 2015 19:16:40 GMT -5
Pat, I love your new screen name!
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Dec 26, 2015 23:18:06 GMT -5
Aw, Pat. You do so much for others. I hope someone thinks to do something kind for you.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 27, 2015 20:33:38 GMT -5
Good luck pat!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 2:03:40 GMT -5
Baths should be at least twice a week. That shouldn't be extra. Her clothes disappearing? I'm afraid that happens. When DH was in the rehab center some of his exercise clothes disappeared. Now he was tall and skinny. Very limited on who could wear them. But stuff gets stolen. I think because they pay staff so poorly. But she might also be hiding her stuff. Or throwing it in garbage.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 31, 2015 10:24:44 GMT -5
Pat, do the same thing you do for your dd, label all her clothes.
I think talking to the admin is good too, find out the routine for cleaning and whatnot. I got the impression from busymom's posts in the 2015 devluttering thread that she doing her mom's laundry once a week before she passed.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Dec 31, 2015 10:47:38 GMT -5
Pat, as long as the dog is with his people, he will adapt. He'll be much happier with you, even if he has to spend most of his time napping under a table, than in a kennel. Dogs like to be with their people.
It's hard to figure out what's happening with the clothes since your MIL is mobile and apparently supposed to be managing that herself. It is certainly possible that they are being stolen. It could be staff, it could be other residents if they have dementia issues. Limiting the number of items she has at a time is probably a good idea if you can keep up the pace of swapping them out and keeping them maintained. It just sounds like more work for Pat.
I hope you're able to get things arranged so you can enjoy your trip to Florida.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2015 12:29:34 GMT -5
You can always get a laundry service, too, while you're gone. They'll come in and get her stuff and bring it back to her.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jan 1, 2016 11:44:12 GMT -5
It will certainly be an added cost, but can you hire the women who stayed overnight with your MIL at the first place to do her laundry and check in with her while you are gone? That way, DH can go with you and you can just let it ALL go for a bit and have some fun.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 16:01:10 GMT -5
My MIL doesn't like her and even locked her out of her room. That should work well. MIL is a pain in the ass, believe me. I doubt if her hair is washed all time I'm gone, they said her mother was the same way and if she gets to fighting with them, they will have us move her. We are trying to keep peace as long as we can.
If she and her sister would have cooperated with us and son, we wanted to hire someone to live in with MIL, have sister come over there and stay too. They could have cooked, washed clothing, and took them shopping and things, but no way in hell so they backed themselves into this corner.
I feel sorry to them but only to an extent.
We can try to get the facility to do for her while we are gone, we don't mind paying the extra money but everytime she gets mad she starts wanting to go home.
At the other place she cussed them out and everything, neither place will put up with combative individuals. Actually that's not true. Dementia patients can be very physical. But they end of being drugged and restrained. They aren't all sweet mindless people. It's good money to keep these people "alive" as long as possible but there are, unfortunately, more to take their places. No way should you MIL be able to lock anyone out of her room. That's not even safe for her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 19:14:11 GMT -5
You have got to stop making more issues for you to deal with. Try to step back and stop making more work and stress for you. So her hair is dirty? So she gets bathed once a week instead of twice? She's not doing anything enough to make her stinky. You're going to kill yourself or worse looking for problems when there aren't any major ones.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jan 1, 2016 20:26:19 GMT -5
Restraints weren't legal for my Mom, even when using them would've kept her from falling out of her wheelchair as she got near the end. The laws have changed a LOT since I worked at a home years ago. Legally, they can't even use a seatbelt on a wheelchair unless the patient can prove to a caregiver that they are able to release it all by themselves. I was told the law changes had to do with "human dignity", but seriously, when you've reached the point that you can't make good decisions about yourself, I'd prefer they went back to the old way of doing things. The restraints weren't pretty, but at least the resident was safe. (And, I'll bet there were fewer trips to the Emergency Room, too. I've actually lost track of how many falls my Mom took, & she broke bones twice.)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 20:49:39 GMT -5
Well, at least my grandfather was taken care of in the olden days and restrained to keep him safe. Drugged so he stayed calmer. I'm sure it was easier on staff as well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 22:46:51 GMT -5
The staff can undo it, believe me.
Have you dealt with HIPPA laws the last few years? You would be surprised what they can no longer do. Some of it is good, some is plain crazy. I thought HIPPA was about privacy.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 1, 2016 22:52:08 GMT -5
The staff can undo it, believe me.
Have you dealt with HIPPA laws the last few years? You would be surprised what they can no longer do. Some of it is good, some is plain crazy. I thought HIPPA was about privacy. It is. HIPAA has nothing to do with use of restraint in nursing homes. That's down to OBRA, the 1987 Nursing Home Reform Act.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 22:55:07 GMT -5
Well, grandpa's body died in 1999 so they were still drugging and restraining then. The restraints were at night or when he was sitting up. He never fell in the nursing home so at least it worked for that.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 22:55:39 GMT -5
Sorry about misspelling HIPAA
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 1, 2016 22:56:26 GMT -5
Well, grandpa's body died in 1999 so they were still drugging and restraining then. The restraints were at night or when he was sitting up. He never fell in the nursing home so at least it worked for that. The various states have varying laws to comply with OBRA. It's become more invasive over the years, sadly. There is a time and place for restraints, IMO.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 1, 2016 22:59:08 GMT -5
That's frightening that you pay all that money and your loved one isn't kept comfortable and safe. I wouldn't let a two year old make decisions that could hurt them. Why would I let an adult with the mind of a two year old make them?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 1, 2016 23:12:36 GMT -5
That's frightening that you pay all that money and your loved one isn't kept comfortable and safe. I wouldn't let a two year old make decisions that could hurt them. Why would I let an adult with the mind of a two year old make them? Actually, restraints can still be used where needed. They're not used, mostly, because nursing homes are afraid to use them - afraid of lawsuits and official complaints. I haven't worked a nursing home in many years but I'd think they, too, can use restraints with a doctor's order. The doctors may be reluctant to write orders for restraints because so many nursing homes aren't well-staffed enough to provide the right oversight for their use. Not sure, but that's what makes sense to me. It's even more difficult to use them in acute care environments these days. The paperwork involved is mind-boggling and the patient must be watched constantly. Still, it's a lot better than answering a ventilator alarm only to have your patient hand you their ET tube: "Hey! Look what I found in my mouth!"
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 2, 2016 9:40:45 GMT -5
That's frightening that you pay all that money and your loved one isn't kept comfortable and safe. I wouldn't let a two year old make decisions that could hurt them. Why would I let an adult with the mind of a two year old make them? Actually, restraints can still be used where needed. They're not used, mostly, because nursing homes are afraid to use them - afraid of lawsuits and official complaints. I haven't worked a nursing home in many years but I'd think they, too, can use restraints with a doctor's order. The doctors may be reluctant to write orders for restraints because so many nursing homes aren't well-staffed enough to provide the right oversight for their use. Not sure, but that's what makes sense to me. It's even more difficult to use them in acute care environments these days. The paperwork involved is mind-boggling and the patient must be watched constantly. Still, it's a lot better than answering a ventilator alarm only to have your patient hand you their ET tube: "Hey! Look what I found in my mouth!"
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jan 2, 2016 9:53:48 GMT -5
the money is going to end up with the state anyway, she might as well have spent some of it. OMG please stop!! The big bad state isn't taking her money (your inheritance). She is paying her rent, food, assistance until she is out of her money -- not yours. Checks do not go to the state, they go to where she LIVES. When she's broke, she's going on a version of welfare called 'Medicaid'. We the taxpayers are more than willing to support her when that happens, just as we are more than willing to support your DD through SSI, keeping your money that your DH earned safe unless you want to support them I know you planned on getting an inheritance but sometimes life changes plans .... this is why a lot of people buy LTC Insurance .... to keep their kids inheritance intact
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jan 2, 2016 10:19:07 GMT -5
CMS has been pushing a lot lately against restraints both physical and chemical. I do believe they are allowed if it's in the patient's best interest. However, I can totally see some places just not using them because they can't be bothered with figuring out when use is allowed and how to properly document said use.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jan 2, 2016 10:25:04 GMT -5
We don't mind paying for her .... We know the state needs to replace whatever they can. is the check written from HER money to the state or the facility where she lives?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 2, 2016 11:24:30 GMT -5
I'm ok zib. It's just what it is.
But you're not okay. You've spent your whole life caring for others and now you have nothing to do so you invent stuff. You need to re-invent your life.
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