DD & MIL's Issues

[kittensaver]

Sept 11, 2015 14:28:29 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Why would she have to be home if she gets the flu?

 She has a new home now with supervision and caretakers. It is their job to provide care for her through a minor illness. But if you wanted to be a supportive mom, you could always drive up there with a quart of homemade chicken soup .

[zibazinski]

No way do you want her thinking if she fakes sick she comes home. If she's sick, too sick for them, she goes to a hospital. Not home. THAT is now her home btw. Not your house.

[mmhmm]

Sept 11, 2015 12:55:40 GMT -5 @patstab said:

She is more affectionate now then she has ever been. But last night she wanted to go to sleep, she will sleep beside me when I'm up late

but she got very agitated and was mad when I didn't go to bed on her terms. You can tell she paces, meows sometimes and I have a habit

of getting up and down doing this and that before I settle in to bed. Breathe Right strip, watch tellie, up to let the dog have his last potty

for the day, maybe get a drink. Set my quiet noise machine, just up and down.  She really doesn't like you lifting her up, I think she hurts

bad around her kidney, bladder area.  I did earlier in the night trim her back nails, she was trying to chew them off, growled at me through

the whole process.  I think someday she will attack me when I do that.  She is so scared at the vets she wets herself, not with me. 

Last night she was very agitated, wanting to go to sleep, I don't know why she won't go off somewhere else and sleep. Finally I settled

in, turned out the lights, got in a position she liked and I don't know what happened, next thing she bit me and bit me harder then

she ever has, a huge bite. I may need to have her go in a separate room, I worry she could do that to my face, eye, or something.

If I had went to bed when she wanted to I doubt it would have happened. Everybody here is spoiled I guess. Damn, what did I do wrong?

A couple of things: She wasn't trying to chew her nails off. What you witnessed is something cats do to remove the old surface of their nails. They are grooming their nails. My Siamese does it all the time. The old surface is coming loose anyway.

It also sounds like she could use a visit at the vet. Tell the vet what you're witnessing and your feelings about possible pain. It wouldn't be unusual for her to bite you if she's in pain. Heck, people do the human equivalent of that. They'll either yell at you or swing at you! You might also try to be sure you've gotten everything done you're going to need to do before you get into bed. That will give her some security that it really is time to sleep. Her world is as unsettled as yours right now and she's looking for that security, just as you are.

[dannylion]

Pat, I'm not a kitty expert, but if her aggressive behavior and biting was uncharacteristic and she seems to be in pain near her kidneys, she might have a kidney infection and a trip to the vet could solve the problem.

Also, if it was a deep bite, I hope you applied disinfectant or other suitable medication to prevent infection. Cat bites can be nasty.

Sending good thoughts that kitty will be feeling better and that you will find your new normal and some happiness for yourself.

[kittensaver]

Sept 11, 2015 14:35:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

No way do you want her thinking if she fakes sick she comes home. If she's sick, too sick for them, she goes to a hospital. Not home. THAT is now her home btw. Not your house.

[taz157]

Sept 11, 2015 14:41:12 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Sept 11, 2015 14:35:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

No way do you want her thinking if she fakes sick she comes home. If she's sick, too sick for them, she goes to a hospital. Not home. THAT is now her home btw. Not your house.

Yeah that.

[dannylion]

Sept 11, 2015 14:35:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

No way do you want her thinking if she fakes sick she comes home. If she's sick, too sick for them, she goes to a hospital. Not home. THAT is now her home btw. Not your house.

That's a good point.  One would hope that the staff is skilled in seeing through sham illnesses, though. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The nurse said she is making friends with a girl name Renae and yesterday they were having a good time making bracelets,

she said laughing and just having fun. Said she is so happy to see her start to make friends. I am happy to hear that.

That's great!  Focus on news like that every time you start getting worried or obessesing over things you can't control.   I don't recall you mentioning she had friends while living with you.

That's not a knock against you so please don't take it that way, just something to think about if you ever get tempted to bring her home. 

i heartily agree with don't bring her home if she gets sick.  It's not a daycare center, it's her home.   Your DD is quick to pick up patterns and use them to her advantage based on your posts.  You don't want her to start getting "sick" constantly.

I still think the glucose pill thing was a placebo effect.  Don't let her develop Munchausen Syndrome on top of everythng else (faking sick to get attention)

[CCL]

That's great she is already making friends and getting involved in activities! It's only been 1 day and progress already. I imagine she will come to enjoy meeting and interacting with others. I know she loved getting out and spending time with Mom and Dad, but a change may do her (and you) good.

[TheOtherMe]

A 20 year old cat is quite amazing.  I've never managed to get one to live past 16. 

I hope you have a relaxing evening and can let your mind relax. 

[Blonde Granny]

I love watching LMN and the Hallmark channel for movies. Hallmark is all love and nice, LMN has some mysteries, love stories etc. Only problem with LMN is that I've watched it for so many years, I've seen most of the movies. Lifetime channel is another good one for mindless TV watching. And don't forget David Venable on QVC....Sunday around 10 or 11 AM and Wednesday evening at 7 PM or * depending on your time zone.  Its David and In the Kitchen with David.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Cats bite for a variety of reasons ... they can be afraid, they can be over-stimluated, they can be upset by some household change, or they can be ill. And (of course) some cats are just ornery, cranky or grouchy. Some are just "leave me alone" nips, some are "love bites" (happy cats sometimes do that) and some are hard "leave me the heck alone" chomps. In all cases, watch for infection ... some cat bites can require hardcore antibiotics (even I.V. antibiotics) ~ so watch your wound carefully. (Letting it breathe is best, but use some form of topical antibiotic.)

[zibazinski]

The anguish your MIL is causing you is self induced. You can't wave a magic wand and fix her anymore than you could DD. DD is/was your responsibility and you took care of it. MIL is not. It's fine to help out a few days a week but don't get sucked into her drama. It's not your circus or monkey. Rinse. Repeat.

[taz157]

Sept 12, 2015 14:07:07 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

The anguish your MIL is causing you is self induced. You can't wave a magic wand and fix her anymore than you could DD. DD is/was your responsibility and you took care of it. MIL is not. It's fine to help out a few days a week but don't get sucked into her drama. It's not your circus or monkey. Rinse. Repeat.

Yeah that.

[zibazinski]

Good. When he gets home, he can put her there.

[Ombud]

Sept 12, 2015 11:49:51 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I still am dealing with so much from DD. 

I thought she was placed

[zibazinski]

You really need to get counseling. It sounds like you're so unused to peace that you can't handle it and need to look for trouble. This concerns me. I hope I'm wrong.

[CCL]

Perhaps they both DO need to be in locked Alzheimer's units. I don't think it's "just a rut."

[busymom]

I can understand thinking that you hear her coming down the hall.

I got jumpy after DS began to have seizures.  Every time I heard a loud thump, I assumed he had hit the floor & was having a seizure again.  And Pat has been putting up with this for years.  It is going to take some time to de-stress. 

[Opti]

Pat, I know its going to take awhile to recover and move on. Her recent behavior since it became physical and worse than you expected, so it might take awhile to let go as well. I hope you might have a group of former caregivers or similar to talk to.

[chiver78]

Sept 12, 2015 19:27:31 GMT -5 @patstab said:

May very well be Zib, you don't get over what I went through in a day, probably about like PTS disorder.

She has only been gone since the 9th, but I wake up thinking I hear her coming into the bedroom screaming

at me, the first night was really bad. Had to turn off the white noise machine to make sure I didn't hear it.

Will take time, and I'm scared to death they will send her back.

anyone that says you should be able to close that door and walk away is a cold hearted soul. you've spent decades putting DD first, it's not going to be easy to put yourself first for once. I'm just repeating what everyone else has said already, but please let me tell you again that it's okay for you to put yourself first. I hope you went to that show last night. I hope that you take a few days at the spa. as much as it may suck for MIL, I hope you put her on her own ring tone on your phone and you don't answer her calls for at least a week. you deserve that right now, peace and quiet, and time to focus on you.

[zibazinski]

I'm still concerned. Even PTSD get help trying to de stress.

[TheOtherMe]

Sept 12, 2015 19:54:21 GMT -5 CCL said:

Perhaps they both DO need to be in locked Alzheimer's units. I don't think it's "just a rut."

I'm with you.  A friend of mine thought she was putting her mother in an assisted living facility.  They tested her and she is in a memory unit  That was in June.  Friend says she now can see that is what her mother needed.

Yes, for you, Pat, you may need counseling so you can let go of this.  PTSD can be helped.  You need somebody to talk to in person, not just people on a message board.  We care about you, but we are not there.  Placing your daughter, even though you know it had to be done for the sake of both you and your daughter, had to be traumatizing on you as well as on her.  She is being cared for.  You are not.

[taz157]

Sept 12, 2015 19:54:21 GMT -5 CCL said:

Perhaps they both DO need to be in locked Alzheimer's units. I don't think it's "just a rut."

[dannylion]

You MIL's immediate family is going to have to step up and deal with her and her sister.  They need to have some kind of competency evaluation.

They are not just being stubborn; they have lost the capacity for rational thought and normal function.  They cannot be reasoned with or persuaded to move into a supervised setting because they do not have the ability to comprehend what is happening to them and why that is needed.  The family will have to take over and make that happen.  MIL cannot be made to see reason because her brain doesn't function properly anymore..  You can be supportive, but it is her immediate family who will have to take action. 

Her family needs to stop thinking her behavior is deliberate and stop trying to explain things to her.  She cannot remember.  It's not stubbornness.  She simply cannot remember and all the repetition in the world will not change that.  Her brain is broken.  It is not going to get better.

Please focus on your own healing and let MIL's children deal with her. 

[mmhmm]

Neither of these women, IMO, will do well in assisted living. Both need more than that. There are nursing homes that have tiered levels of care, including locked units, but all patients with dementia don't necessarily go into locked units. While one might need that level of care, the other may not. Both could be in the same place but in different areas and could be allowed some contact when able. How you'll get them into such a place, I have no clue. I don't know how things work where you are. I can only say if your DH were mine, his arse would be home right now and we'd be dealing with the issue together. There's no way I'd want to be responsible for the disaster that's waiting to happen all by myself - and that's the position in which you've been placed. Like you, I wouldn't be able to sit back and do nothing but I'd be pulling my hair out trying to figure out what the heck to do!

As to hearing your daughter in the house: Mother passed away in December and I still occasionally mistake a noise for her needing me. That's not unusual and will ease over time. It doesn't happen often for me anymore. I'm sure you'll find it lessening over the coming weeks and months. 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I can only say if your DH were mine, his arse would be home right now and we'd be dealing with the issue together. There's no way I'd want to be responsible for the disaster that's waiting to happen all by myself - and that's the position in which you've been placed. Like you, I wouldn't be able to sit back and do nothing but I'd be pulling my hair out trying to figure out what the heck to do!

I completely agree with this. Not only has her DH basically flown the coop and left Pats alone to deal with not only their DD (before her move), but also MIL (HIS mother) and her sister, and all the rental properties they have and maintenance of them. I'd be selling those other houses - it's all too much work for Pats to do on her own and it's not fair that he's left her to take care of everything.

I recall she said he was finally going to retire for good in March - now he's prolonged it until next August - that's an entire year!

[busymom]

Since I have "been there, done that" with my own Mom, I will say that the laws vary widely from state to state on putting a senior into a facility against their will. While I agree that no one should be forced into a facility when they don't want to be, there does come a point in dementia & Alzheimer's where a patient no longer is capable of making good decisions concerning their own care.

I was "fortunate" (if you want to call it that) , that when my own Mother took a bad fall & ended up in the hospital, that the social worker there helped me get her into a facility.  We "blamed it on the system", which my Mother accepted.  But, she had reached the point where I was questioning the safety of her living alone, & while she was in good health, she too refused to go to an assisted-living center.  Her fall allowed us to do what needed to be done, for her safety, and as her mind continued to "wander" more & more, & her health continued to decline, she had to be moved from assisted-living into a nursing home.

At least in our state, the laws don't help much when it comes to the safety of our seniors.  They tend to lean more towards the freedom end of the spectrum. 

[Works4me]

Pat - I was career medical social worker.

FYI: they cannot force you to take your daughter back home with you. By federal law, facilities are only allowed to discharge residents to a safe living situation. They cannot force you to take her back home with you. 

You are no longer able to safely care for her in your home - unable to meet her needs. It is not that you don't want to, it is that you simply cannot do it.

The facility is required to only move her to a place where her care needs are met. If a fully staffed care home is unable to take care if her, how can you, one single person, do so?

They are required to find the least restrictive environment that can manage her needs. You can be exactly as involved as you wish.

I am very tired tonight but I will finish this tomorrow. I can also give you information on what typically happens with someone like your MIL and her DS. That type of situation is extremely prevalent and there are ways to handle things without having to obtain a court ordered guardianship. 

When I placed my father after almost 2-1/2 years of 24/7 care WITH 40-60 hours per week of hired help, I literally crashed and slept for three days. I then spent the better part of the next three months resting and recovering. Due to lupus there are ways I am still in recovery 3 years later.

Please try to rest and recover. I heard my father for weeks and woke up startled thinking I needed to care for him. It gets better but it takes time. ((HUG's))

[Works4me]

Sept 12, 2015 23:43:27 GMT -5 busymom said:

Since I have "been there, done that" with my own Mom, I will say that the laws vary widely from state to state on putting a senior into a facility against their will. While I agree that no one should be forced into a facility when they don't want to be, there does come a point in dementia & Alzheimer's where a patient no longer is capable of making good decisions concerning their own care.

I was "fortunate" (if you want to call it that) , that when my own Mother took a bad fall & ended up in the hospital, that the social worker there helped me get her into a facility.  We "blamed it on the system", which my Mother accepted.  But, she had reached the point where I was questioning the safety of her living alone, & while she was in good health, she too refused to go to an assisted-living center.  Her fall allowed us to do what needed to be done, for her safety, and as her mind continued to "wander" more & more, & her health continued to decline, she had to be moved from assisted-living into a nursing home.

At least in our state, the laws don't help much when it comes to the safety of our seniors.  They tend to lean more towards the freedom end of the spectrum. 

Exactly. A person has the right to make crappy decisions about and in their own lives.