DD & MIL's Issues

[Ombud]

Sept 13, 2015 11:19:18 GMT -5 @patstab said:

(1) My husband thinks she just needs to be put there till she can straighten up, he and I disagree about that ... (2) Works 4 Sarah if there is a way to get them somewhere we sure could use the help with MIL.  She has no other relatives living to help her ... (3) I doubt she has seen the great granddaughter in years and years.  That is just sad.

(1) He's in denial. How long were you there??
(2) Works4me, are you in the same state? Loved your post. So much insight into the inner workings of social welfare!
(3) Did she act out around great granddaughter? If so, understandable

[CCL]

Sept 13, 2015 11:38:17 GMT -5 southernsusana said:

@patstab, you know that having your daughter visit doesn't have to be all or nothing, right?  The first couple of times could not involve coming to the house at all.  You could take her out to eat and/or a movie.  You could find some activity that you both enjoy.  Then you could work up to her coming to the house for just the day.

To be honest, I wouldn't have her spend the night at the house again.  You are sending her furniture to the facility except for the mattress.  So already there will be too much difference to make it "home" again.  Let it be clear that the facility is her new "home."  Refer to it as such when you can.  She'll adjust.

You've called her "Sue Anne" before so anyone reading this thread knows that part.  But I wouldn't post the address for the cards in this thread.  You should insist that you be asked for it personally and ask that others not share it without your permission.  That way you have some control over who has your information.  Protect yourself, too.

Just my two cents, as always. 

Agree with all of the above.

[CCL]

That's good to hear DD is starting to settle in! Just a thought, but maybe she doesn't need to be going out and doing things all the time? I can't help but think of my kids when they were younger. When they were out and about out to eat, out for ice cream, out to the movies, go carts, etc... sometimes it was just too much, for all of us lol. Really they were better off to do all these things occasionally, not multiple times per week. After a while they were just tired, grumpy and didn't appreciate much. Occasional treats were much better, sometimes as a reward, sometimes just because we liked to spend our time with them.

I think it's good, for everyone really, to have plenty of down time, learn to entertain yourself a bit, spend some time alone, maybe discover a hobby or interest and learn to enjoy your own company. YMMV.

As far as Pat's hubby, that's her business lol. I can kinda see where they are coming from. My husband always worked and I took care of everything else and it has worked pretty well for us, mostly. We are kinda old-fashioned, I guess. Don't forget, Pat and hubby are a bit older than some of us young'uns and likely to embrace more traditional roles.

Anyway, good to hear things are looking up!

[zibazinski]

No way should she be coming home in October. What for? This is you and husbands time, alone, at last You both can go and take her to lunch. Thanksgiving? You're alone. Go have dinner with her at HER house. Spend the night there if you'd like. Christmas tbd. But only if your husband is there to help pick her up, keep her occupied, and help you take her back. Very short time, too. This is still all way too new for her and any thought that she could come home is going to be hard on her and on you. His October visit needs to be spent dealing with his mom. That's enough on you. You handled DD alone for decades and even to the detriment to your own health and safety.

[taz157]

Sept 13, 2015 12:59:12 GMT -5 CCL said:

Sept 13, 2015 11:38:17 GMT -5 southernsusana said:

@patstab, you know that having your daughter visit doesn't have to be all or nothing, right?  The first couple of times could not involve coming to the house at all.  You could take her out to eat and/or a movie.  You could find some activity that you both enjoy.  Then you could work up to her coming to the house for just the day.

To be honest, I wouldn't have her spend the night at the house again.  You are sending her furniture to the facility except for the mattress.  So already there will be too much difference to make it "home" again.  Let it be clear that the facility is her new "home."  Refer to it as such when you can.  She'll adjust.

You've called her "Sue Anne" before so anyone reading this thread knows that part.  But I wouldn't post the address for the cards in this thread.  You should insist that you be asked for it personally and ask that others not share it without your permission.  That way you have some control over who has your information.  Protect yourself, too.

Just my two cents, as always. 

Agree with all of the above.

Yeah that.

[cronewitch]

I am happy for you that she found a place to live and hope she will be happy there.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 13, 2015 13:49:02 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

No way should she be coming home in October. What for? This is you and husbands time, alone, at last You both can go and take her to lunch. Thanksgiving? You're alone. Go have dinner with her at HER house. Spend the night there if you'd like. Christmas tbd. But only if your husband is there to help pick her up, keep her occupied, and help you take her back. Very short time, too. This is still all way too new for her and any thought that she could come home is going to be hard on her and on you. His October visit needs to be spent dealing with his mom. That's enough on you. You handled DD alone for decades and even to the detriment to your own health and safety.

I cannot emphasize this enough. 

Make appt. with the attorney to deal with his Mom when he's home.  Get the process started. 

ETA to bold the first few lines too. 

[Ombud]

New mantra:

Sept 10, 2015 22:14:09 GMT -5 Ombud said:

@patstab, they are experienced in this. Relax. All you have to be now is 'mom,' they are the caregivers

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

She would be so disappointed and right now she is fragile, they need to be aware  of making her feel they are trusted and remember her needs too.

I am sure they are Pat.   She isn't their first patient, they are not new at this.

I understand worrying, all parents do it when their kids leave the nest.   At the same you need to try not to manufacture boogeymen otherwise this isn't going to work for YOU.  Even if she ends up happy you'll still be stressed to the gills b/c you've created a whole new set of worries.

[zibazinski]

Amen!!

[Opti]

did discuss with him about her coming home. I said I am not telling them what to do but I kind of thought it would be better if she waited a month. Her dad will be home the 9th of October and she could come home a few days, he agreed. So I'm going to try and wait, but she is only coming for a few days.

Pat, I'm confused. I feel like I'm missing a preceding paragraph somewhere. You discussed it with the job coach about her visiting home and he said what?

[mmhmm]

Oh, no, @patstab! I hope it's nothing really serious. Something like that has been a worry for quite awhile. It's coming - you just can't know when. Good luck!

[zibazinski]

[Ombud]

Sept 14, 2015 18:39:19 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I did discuss with him about her coming home.  I said I am not telling them what to do but I kind of thought it would be better if she waited a month.  Her dad will be home the 9th of October and she could come home a few days, he agreed.  So I'm going to try and wait, but she is only coming for a few days. 

She is home, HER home! Are you regretting that she now lives apart from you? If you do, once you sabotage this by giving her mixed messages (like what I am reading) what are you going to do?

[zibazinski]

Because this is exactly what it sounds like. Now that she is placed, you aren't handling it very well. So manufacturing issues keeps you involved. You've got to stop sabotaging this and yourself.

[mmhmm]

I'm glad she's found a friend! That's going to make a big difference in her adjustment phase. I think you're right about waiting a month to give that relationship time to develop and for her to feel more like she fits in and belongs. The boohooing sans tears is just an attention-getting mechanism. Glad the job coach recognized it and confronted her about it. It's best she not get the idea that kind of thing is going to work to manipulate others.

[Ombud]

Sept 9, 2015 20:20:13 GMT -5 @patstab said:

when she saw I was going to turn, she went ballistic.  Luckily its only about a mile, she hit me, twisted my arm and cussed me up one side and down the other.  When we got to the house, she told me I was a bastard and would kill me ... She stomped back to her room screaming to me to get out ... this has gotten worse over the last year .... I am exhausted, ... I never thought her behavior would deteriorate like this. .... I don't know how I could have done it differently.

[TheOtherMe]

Sept 14, 2015 19:37:16 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Because this is exactly what it sounds like. Now that she is placed, you aren't handling it very well. So manufacturing issues keeps you involved. You've got to stop sabotaging this and yourself.

Pat, your life has revolved around taking care of your daughter for all these years.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but it's time to let her go.  Pretend she's off at college. 

Please consider counseling for yourself so you can get some ideas of how to fill up your time and not sabotage your daughter and yourself.  No way would I bring her home for a visit in October. 

If you want to take her out of the facility, you and hubby entertain her for the day, but she goes back there to sleep.

[zibazinski]

Absolutely.

[taz157]

Sept 14, 2015 19:50:29 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sept 14, 2015 19:37:16 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Because this is exactly what it sounds like. Now that she is placed, you aren't handling it very well. So manufacturing issues keeps you involved. You've got to stop sabotaging this and yourself.

Pat, your life has revolved around taking care of your daughter for all these years.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but it's time to let her go.  Pretend she's off at college. 

Please consider counseling for yourself so you can get some ideas of how to fill up your time and not sabotage your daughter and yourself.  No way would I bring her home for a visit in October. 

If you want to take her out of the facility, you and hubby entertain her for the day, but she goes back there to sleep.

[kittensaver]

Sept 14, 2015 20:00:29 GMT -5 taz157 said:

Sept 14, 2015 19:50:29 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Pat, your life has revolved around taking care of your daughter for all these years.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but it's time to let her go.  Pretend she's off at college. 

Please consider counseling for yourself so you can get some ideas of how to fill up your time and not sabotage your daughter and yourself.  No way would I bring her home for a visit in October. 

If you want to take her out of the facility, you and hubby entertain her for the day, but she goes back there to sleep.

 x 2

[Opti]

Pat, I hope you post again soon. I know you would like to have DD visit home again, and waiting until your husband is available sounds wise. I share the worries of other posters. Recently, things have not gone well in interactions between you and your daughter. Its asking a lot of the three of you to start with more than  a partial day outing. JMO.

I am sure it is hard to be with someone day in and day out for years who you need to be with and spend most of your time with and suddenly have her gone. As you have been telling us she has changed in the last few years so the person you hope to come home soon for a few days might not be the person that will come home. It must be hard and a drastic change. You miss her and all the good times you have had.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I know you want this to work out in part because you need it to work out. So, please heartfully consider no one, not even you, can plan how she will be in under a month from now. Most though can guess that a multi-day outing is an overreach. Perhaps you can plan to be flexible and see how it goes. If DH is back in October long enough, take her out for part of day when he first gets back and then perhaps take her out again towards the end of his stay if that goes well.

Its going to take awhile for both of you to find your new normal. Try not to rush it.

[marvholly]

WOW! Just WOW!

Total turn around.

[Wisconsin Beth]

GEt the appts. set up with the lawyer to start whatever your DH needs done for the guardianship or whatever it is for your MIL Pat.  Get them made for days he'll be here and ask if the lawyer can provide you with a list of paperwork necessary now.  So you can gather it all up and have everything so it can be done while he's home in Oct. 

I'm sorry to put more work on you Pat but honestly, I don't think your husband understands how bad it IS right now.  So get as much of the "i's" and the "T's" together as you can so he can dot and cross them once he's home. 

[Opti]

Weird day to be sure, but I don't see it as throwing anyone under the bus necessarily. The sisters have a symbiotic but not healthy relationship. They eat badly, have told themselves its not them but the neighbor boy they don't like being responsible for missing items and that they are better off than they really are because they are taking care of each other.

Neither of them sounds competent enough for an assisted living unit and as you said they will be flight risks. Its not surprising MIL asked about seeing DD. Perhaps you could have told her when DD is settled in perhaps she can visit you wherever you are living. She is still adjusting right now.

I have no idea how group homes like that work for visits, but I would guess someone would need to sign them out and be authorized to do so. Why would you think that MIL would drive there AND get DD released to her?

[Opti]

I just wanted other opinions that I am doing the right thing having her stay for a month before coming home to visit. Her dad and I will decide if she stays overnight or we just go out to eat or what.

From the outside, a month does not seem all that far in the future given how she has been acting and all the adjustment she needs to do. She, like you, is so used to having someone around constantly all the time she does not yet know what to do with herself. I hope for all of your sakes October will be a good time for a visit.

[Tennesseer]

Pat-as someone else said, treat your daughter as if she is away at college or that she now has her own home.  When your husband returns in October, you two take your daughter for a day outing doing fun things.  But when the day ends, she should be returned to her home, just like any parent would do with their adult child who lives in the area.  

If you and your husband don't reinforce the idea with her she now has a new, permant home, she will never buy into or accept it.  I would not do any over night stays for at least six months if not longer.  Christmas?  Pick her up in the morning and return her back to her home in the evening.

[Ombud]

Doesn't it feel good to get out and spread your wings? (RVing women, that new friend for her, you're reconnecting with an old friend)

If you're celebrating both Christmas Eve & Day and DH will be here, what about that being the 1st overnighter? If you celebrate only 1, make that the day

[swamp]

joined a group called RVing Women, no husbands allowed. They don't care if you are married and DD was welcome as some have children with disabilities. However, I think there are quite a few women with "women" partners. But as long as they don't bother me, I won't bother them

They aren't interested in you.

[Pants]

Sept 15, 2015 9:37:57 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I joined a group called RVing Women, no husbands allowed.  They don't care if you are married and DD was welcome as some have children with disabilities.  However, I think there are quite a few women with "women" partners.  But as long as they don't bother me, I won't bother them.  Will try it and see how it goes.  

If you are going to put quotation marks around a word in that sentence, I'm not sure "women" is the correct one...