DD & MIL's Issues

[mmhmm]

Sept 10, 2015 20:08:32 GMT -5 busymom said:

Sounds like mmhmm & I learned the same therapy techniques. 

Yep. I think most professionals who deal with people who may not be at their best, or who may not be capable of good judgment, at times, learn those techniques. They work.

[Opti]

Sept 10, 2015 19:21:53 GMT -5 @patstab said:

They actually let DD call me tonight, wasn't two sentences before she wanted to come home then got mad at me.  I heard them say if she is talking like that she can hang up and she must have slammed the phone down. I tried calling them, wanting to see when I can drop off her computer and get internet hooked up.  Didn't get anyone.

Why in the world would they let her call me already?

I do not know what the rules would be like there, but unless you left a directive for her not to call you, wouldn't she be entitled to call you? It may have been awkward for you, but it sounds like the interaction will help train her. And no one had to say you can't call your Mom because she does not want you to.

If you called right after the phone was slammed down, they may have been dealing with her. Try to call on an off time, maybe after 10AM to 11AM or 2:00 to 2:45PM. You want to avoid meal times, med times, etc.

[zibazinski]

She doesn't need her computer or Internet and you need to stay away. She may have to EARN the privilege to use her computer. I would bring nothing until the facility says to do so and most assuredly when she is not there. She will never transition otherwise.

[zibazinski]

Pat, take your cues from the facility. She had nothing to do at your house so played with dolls and stuff. I bet she's too
Busy doing stuff to think about computers. Stop feeling guilty. Or at least try. You KNOW this is for the best. I bet in a month you will see a wonderful change in her.

[mmhmm]

Her behaviors may not be the same where she is now as they were when she was home with you, Pat. I know it's hard, but don't let yourself look ahead for problems. Those folks are trained to work with people just like your daughter. They know the ropes and they know what works. Trust them and let go, hon. Trust her, too. She'll adjust. She just needs some time and some lessons in how things will now be done.

[Ombud]

@patstab, not necessarily. They are experienced in this. Relax. All you have to be now is 'mom,' they are the caregivers

[Ombud]

@patstab is having a hard time letting go. Maybe bc it's all she's done for so long. Sorry for the armchair quarterbacking comment

[Ombud]

[Value Buy]

Sept 10, 2015 22:30:57 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Well, I just know personally I would go crazy without things to do.


I'm sitting here now in bed.  Have 2 crossword puzzles I'm working on

2 newspapers I'm reading and stacks of mags selling stuff I'm going through

and I'm watching that naked show I've never seen before.

The naked show.......

[msventoux]

Dr. Who is an excellent choice!    

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 10, 2015 22:48:59 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Oh you know that naked survivalist show

just flipped to Dr Who, need to go to bed

actually

Which Doctor and which companion? 

One of the Disney channels picked up the David Tenant run of Doctor Who fairly recently. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Well, I just know personally I would go crazy without things to do.

I'm sure they don't allow your daughter to stare at the wall watching paint peel.   I'm sure they have plenty to keep her busy, they aren't new at this your daughter is not thier first client.

You need to try to start trusting them Pat or you are going to go crazy.  

The fact they wouldn't allow her to verbally abuse you over the phone is a good sign.  She's learning there are consequences for her actions.   That's a GOOD thing for a person to learn.  She's also learning they aren't going to block accesss to  you, which is also a good thing.  

[kjto1]

Pat - I hope you had a restful sleep.  Today is a new day!  How is the kitty?

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I will guess that they allowed her to call you to give her some peace of mind that you hadn't abandoned her and still loved and cared for her very much.

There may be several difficult calls before she is able to have a pleasant conversation with you.

Pat, it will be a process. As spent as you are, try to rest and build up some energy to ride out the process. And, please don't anticipate the worst result -- keep an optimistic view -- I believe in self-fulfilling prophecies and a positive outcome is yours.

[zibazinski]

Now, get busy having some FUN, it's a new experience, one you will have to learn.

[swamp]

Sept 10, 2015 22:46:31 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I see a blues concert deal in the city tomorrow night. I would like to go but its late

and I'm not sure I want to drive home late.  I don't mind going alone, its an

outside venue so that's great.  If it was next week I might have the energy.


Oh and if this doesn't pan out with MIL, I'm stepping back, just trying to get

this taken care of for her own good.  I don't want to have to deal with this daily

and if something is done I will likely get sucked into it and I don't want to be.

Just want to see them taken care of. 


I know unless I have DH no one will take care of me, its scarey and sad. I

imagine they are scared too.  It's hell getting old and not have  your mental

faculties. 

Just go. 

Get a cheap hotel room if you don't want to drive at night. 

You've waited all your life to do fun stuff.  Stop waiting. 

[Ombud]

Sept 11, 2015 9:03:36 GMT -5 swamp said:

Just go. 

Get a cheap hotel room if you don't want to drive at night. 

You've waited all your life to do fun stuff.  Stop waiting. 

Or expensive one!! She just saved $84,000 plus on a motorhome

[Green Eyed Lady]

I agree with Swamp. Go to your concert. Get yourself a hotel room - even an expensive one with a hot tub. See your concert and come back and take a good long soak. Treat yourself. You have a few coming!

[zibazinski]

Time for you to join some groups.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I didn't keep her, I will talk with Cheryl I don't mind her calling just thought it would be a week or so

My guess would be they allowed her to call to show you had not abandoned her.   It's a GOOD thing b/c that means they are fairly transparent.  I'd be more worried if they didn't allow her to call.

Has it been 24 hours yet?  Pat you're going to kill yourself worrying about things you don't have control over.   As an outsider it sounds like the home is really trying their best to accomdate DD.  It also sounds like they are getting a good start on modifying her behavior (verbal abuse = phone call ends).  It sounds like they are working with you as best they can. 

The motorcyle thing changed but that's probably not entirely within their control, it's whoever is running the motorcycle show, it doesn't mean they went back on their word or were lying.

You gotta try to let go of the control.  It won't be home, they won't run things like you did, her life is not going to be the same as it was at home.   Life will go on and she will adjust.  You've said it yourself she may be one of those people who is never happy on purpose, there is nothing you or the home can do to change that.  

Go to your concert and enjoy yourself.   You deserve it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

And that's ok. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Doesn't sound too different from being away at college, IMO if you want to look at it that way.

60 days is there for the parents who want that much time, doesn't mean you're a bad parent if you don't.  Everyone's situation is different you may find it easier for both of you for her to not be home as often.

[kittensaver]

60 days is roughly two months. A "launched" adult child would not be spending that much time back home.

I agree you should treat it like she is away at college or she is launched into the world (which she kinda now is, actually, although it's very new).

How much time does an adult child spend back with their parents? Get-togethers for the holidays? A week in the summer to bring the grandkids for a visit? A week traveling with the family?

I agree you should treat the time home as you would for any other adult child.

[mmhmm]

Sept 11, 2015 10:24:38 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I had called the house manager last night after the call ended and she didn't call back checked with her this morning, she said she wasn't there and they

weren't supposed to let her call.

I didn't keep her, I will talk with Cheryl I don't mind her calling just thought it would be a week or so. I found out that house isn't going to the motorcycle

deal, but Cheryl said she is and would stop and get her that she doesn't live far away. DD got in a house with much older inactive people and they do watch the paint peel. She also said there is another she wanted her in but no one ever leaves it and it would be perfect for DD, maybe one day.  This place will have a total of 7 clients before its over and 5 seems to be a lot.

It's less then ideal believe me. So I'm to meet her this afternoon and giving her some of DDs things to take up for her. Her computer, some movies, her TV, I found the remote, Nintendo, yes I have an inventory sheet of all this, I do not want to go up there yet. She said its a good idea to give her things to do. She is going to the center during the week but looks like to me they just sit around all day. I will visit one day in a couple of weeks. They say they want interested involved parents. I won't be involved but I will be interested.  But I'm also not going to hover once she has the things for her room.  I will switch out items if she wants every few weeks to spice things up.  She is so used to being on the go and that's not going to happen. 

Eventually she will get a Medicaid waiver, but that could be a few years.  Then she can go in a 2 person setting, we can hire the caregivers and will have a bit more control.  Have to see how all this works out but that might be a thought for the future. 

Remember its companies that contract their services or houses to the state, there are all kinds of them.  It's to their benefit to have the census high or they don't maximize their homes, so they wine and dine potential clients in some cases to keep them full.  I doubt my husband understands that.  Honestly like other parents I hope we live 1 day longer then she, that is a common statement among parents of the disabled.

As far as MIL, that's a disaster, checked on her, same thing that boy took her teeth, she has finally listened to her sister long enough she has engrained that in her head now.  I told her I was busy but later today would come over and look for them, you won't find them they are in his room.  Oh my. She didn't see him or anything but knows he did it.  I doubt we find them, lord only knows what she has done with them, hid them someplace I suppose. She got aggravated at me I'm wanting her house, don't believe her, she will never tell me anything about things gone again.  I said you are having trouble surviving there she said I will live like I always have here. Ok, told her I needed to go.

And my cat quit being so loving all of a sudden.  Last night she chomped into my hand, why I don't know and she got 4 good bite marks over 2 inches apart, she must have had her mouth wide open. Guess I will move her out of my room, I'm making everybody mad.

Aww, Pat. I'm sorry about the cat bite. Just try to realize the kitty is just as traumatized by all this as you are. She's been living in a difficult situation, too, and she realizes something is missing. She also picks up on your angst. Were you petting her when she bit you? I'm asking for a reason. Maybe we can figure out what's causing it and prevent further episodes. This is something I know a bit about. I'll bet kittensaver and ❤ mollymouser ❤ know even more! This, we can work out.

What you're describing with your MIL is typical behavior for Alzheimer's victims - especially those who live alone, or with another with similar problems. You're actively putting plans in place to rectify her situation. I wish it could go faster for you but I'm so glad you're actually looking to get this done! She's just no longer competent to live outside a structured, 24/7 care environment. Really. She's just not.

While the staff had been told not to let DD call you, I'm not convinced it was a bad idea. I know it was difficult for you but she needed to know you're still there (you are) and that there are rules and consequences for breaking those rules. She found that out. IMO, that's a good thing. You've been breaking your neck for years to be sure she got to do what she wanted, go where she wanted, buy what she wanted, and otherwise indulge herself. Now, she's got to learn what it's like not to have that all the time. I'm glad there's someone to take her things to her. Having her devices for entertainment will help her but she must learn she's now responsible for her own entertainment and must adjust to not having you to meet her every whim, hon. You've done all you could do. Now, things must change and she must change with them. It's going to be hard, but it's doable. In a few weeks, I think you'll begin to see a difference.

Hugs, luv. Please try to treat yourself to something different. I don't care if it's just a couple of nights in an upscale hotel (which is where I'd be if I were you). A change of scenery would do you good, I think. With plenty of water and dry cat food, the cat will do just fine on her own for a couple of days. Pamper yourself for a change. It's something you're not used to doing, but it needs to be done. Spend the money and DO IT!

[CCL]

Sept 11, 2015 11:18:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Time for you to join some groups.

Here's one for you:
Ambassadair.com

[zibazinski]

[kittensaver]

The most common reason for a cat - even a tame, loving one - to "turn" on you and "chomp" is that they are suddenly tired of being held, petted or "loved." Some just have a lower tolerance for extended physical contact than others.

I have a cat that would literally live on my shoulders if she could. She tolerates my nuzzling and kisses. I have another that LOVES to be petted but the minute you pick her up she wants OUT. My ginger tom loves to have his head skritched and I can even kiss his head, but if you stroke down to his haunches or tail too many times he will turn and chomp. He just doesn't like anyone touching his hindquarters. Your kitty may just prefer an exchange of lovies on her own terms? She will cuddle up to you but doesn't want you cuddling her back?

I also agree with mmhmm that she is sensitive to a change in the household. All cats are. Don't be surprised if she mourns and mopes a little - its a loss for her too. But she will adjust in time. Most do. Just take your clues from her and give her the kind of attention she wants (not necessarily the kind you want to give her, if that makes sense).

I'm tagging ❤ mollymouser ❤ to see if she has any kitty wisdom to share. 

ETA: mmhmm beat me to it.

[kittensaver]

PS: I agree with everyone here about a get-away. Check into a spa for a week - SERIOUSLY. You can sleep as much as you like, read, swim in the pool, get a couple of soothing body treatments every day, take gentle walks or go to yoga, have your meals prepared for you, meditate, go to a breathwork class, etc. It's an excellent way to re-charge your batteries and kick the world in the backside for a week. No it is not cheap, but totally worth it. PM me if you want the links to a couple with excellent reputations (they will involve travel out of state - or you can do a Google search for something closer to home).

[zibazinski]

Nothing. You survived as best you could. All animals are spoiled rotten. I think we once had a post on here about the wretches and how they abuse us and we ask for more!

[Ombud]

Why would she have to be home if she gets the flu?