DD & MIL's Issues

[Green Eyed Lady]

I surely do hope you get a night of really good and refreshing sleep, Pat.

[Artemis Windsong]

Pat, you are one incredibly strong woman.  May you be granted the peace and blessings you deserve.

[suesinfl]

Pat, I’m so glad that you checked and updated us on your day. I know that it was hard, but hopefully you both will get a chance to enjoy life. The home sounds amazing with all the activities that they do and I’m sure that once she adjusts, she will blossom. Best of luck to all of you. Now you need to take some time to take care of yourself so that you can enjoy the time when your DH comes home for good.

[TheOtherMe]

Enjoy the kitty and some time to yourself.  Don't answer MIL's calls tomorrow. 

[mollyanna58]

Oh and I did have a DQ chocolate shake on the way home so there!!

[dannylion]

Thanks for letting us know you are home and safe. Your DD is in a good, safe place.  You did the right thing for her and for you.

Wishing you and kitty a lovely, peaceful night. 

[CCL]

Thanks so much for updating us all. I sure hope she can accept her new home. They sound like a good group of people. That's nice they have an outing planned for her, something she can look forward to already. I, too, think she will blossom once she allows herself. Lol on that chocolate shake. I would have grabbed a couple bags of Dilly bars to go with it. Take care of yourself and get some much-deserved rest.

[busymom]

Thank you for checking in. I was very concerned you might get hurt when DD realized where you were going. I met a woman with an autistic son who had anger issues, & really was big enough to do some harm.

I know it'll be awhile before you visit with DD, to give her time to adjust to her new home. But when the people there think she's earned some time for a visit off-site with you, make very clear to her that if she hits or threatens you, you'll immediately turn the car around, & end the visit. Then do it. I'm sorry she has turned on you at times. I don't know if she has the early stages of mental illness, or dementia (working in a nursing home exposed me to seniors who had terrible tempers. Back in the 70's & 80's, they used to medicate the ones who got physical.)

Now, get yourself some well-deserved sleep. And, I second the motion to NOT answer the telephone tomorrow. Maybe go out & buy yourself another treat tomorrow.

[mmhmm]

Whew! So glad you checked in, Pat! It sounds like things went almost as well as could have been expected. Sorry DD became so abusive but, I guess, she just didn't know what else to do, was angry, and let that anger loose on you. In her heart of hearts, she loves you dearly. I think you know that.

The shake sounds delicious and just what you needed after such a day! Now, a good night's sleep with a purring kitty to keep you warm should bring the sun back into your world. Devote tomorrow to just being you. Sleep softly. You've earned it.

[tcu2003]

Hugs, pat. I'm so glad that you were able to get your DD to the house, and that you left feeling comfortable with the people who will be caring for her. Thanks for updating us all - now, I'm hoping you're able to get some much-needed rest.

[msventoux]

I'm glad you're at ease with everything, Pat.  It really is the best thing for her...and you!  Your strength is admirable, but you deserve a break and I sincerely hope that you start taking care of yourself just as well as you've taken care of everyone else in your life.

I hope you'll let us know when we can PM you for her address.  I'd love to send her some postcards...finally put my growing fountain pen collection to use! 

[Works4me]

Pat - now that is good living - DQ chocolate shake, long bath, and cuddling with kitty while home alone - enjoy the peace and quiet - you certainly have earned it! Plus it sounds like the group home is much better equipped to meet her needs and it could be an environment where she is able to blossom. As bad as it was, it could have been so much worse. 


Take good care of you - sending gentle hugs and friendship from California.

 & 

[bobosensei]

Pat- I am relieved that you made it through the day.  I think your DD will make a quick recovery once she sees how much fun she is going to have.  And once she is acting better maybe she will find a boyfriend!  You'll see that this is the best thing for her that you could have ever done, and it will allow you to eventually reestablish your relationship from the time before her behavior was a problem.  I am so proud of you that you made it through everything.

And I think once you are charged back up on alone time that you'll be up to getting our more yourself and making friends of your own.  If you like to read maybe your local library has a book club.  I know you tried volunteering before and it wasn't successful, but you can try other volunteer opportunities.   

[skubikky]

Pat,  I'm so very glad that you got DD to her new home and that all went reasonably well.

I hope that you had a good night's rest and can start your new life today.
I suspect it will be very different to be able to make yourself the priority for awhile(until DH gets home )
Just you, the dog and the cat.

A few pages back Drama had suggested counseling for you.
I still think that might be something for you to consider going forward.
Maybe just a few appointments as you decompress and adjust to your new situation.

All of my thoughts and prayers go to you today.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs and love Pat. Do your best to relax and start de-stressing.   

[bean29]

We weren't far from where she would live and once at the road when she saw I was going to turn, she went ballistic. Luckily its only about a mile, she hit me, twisted my arm and cussed me up one side and down the other. When we got to the house, she told me I was a bastard and would kill me, yep, you heard that right, I'm still in shock. But as her dad said you know she doesn't mean that, well ok.

Pat, I was afraid of this, it is part of why I said last week I was sorry I could not come visit you and help you with your DD.

My Mom was taking my Dad to the Psychiatrist and Dad grabbed the steering wheel.  Idk if he was telling her she was going the wrong way or what but he was very Manic and she was terrified.  After that if she had to take my Dad anywhere when he was Manic she had someone go with her.  If he was not Manic, he was the sweetest nicest person, and very loving to my Mom.  When he was hospitalized, in the early days, he would say just nasty horrible things to my Mom.  The nurses told Mom that this was normal - that the patient was so afraid their loved ones would leave them that they tended to push them away as a kind of defense mechanism.  It sounds like the facility expected your daughter to act out, as they had two Men there to help deal with a potential outburst.

You have big changes in your life right now.  Just as you have lots of friends here, now that you will have more freedom to get out and socialize and volunteer, I am sure you will form friendships close to home.

I think it will take at least a few days for you to recover, I am sure you really feel worked over by your daughter's behavior and the move, and the trip. Just relax and decompress for a few days.

[Wisconsin Beth]

It will take some time for your nerves to reset Pat.  Just relax and do the things YOU enjoy.  Or do the things you feel you have to do so you can enjoy the nicely mowed lawn and clean house.    You're going to be awesome, just give yourself some time to adjust to your new normal. 

[Waffle]

@patstab, I know you aren't planning to go back to visit until you get the ok from the home administrator, but will do you think you might be able to talk to her over the phone before then?   Only, of course, if the people at the home think it would be good for her.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I can see why I don't fit anywhere and won't easily for some time. My life has
been centered around only one person, and that one person did and does not want to let go

Just make sure you don't end up being sucked into being this for your MIL.  I read where you said you told DH to deal with his mother and that's good.   Stand firm and start setting boundaries with that NOW before he gets home so when he arrives he can pick it up himself.   I'd hate to watch you finally get the opportunity to have a life only to lose it again until whenever MIL passes or fate intervenes and something's finally done about her.

It sounds your DD will do great based on your posts. It sounds like there are things she hasn't been able to do living with you that she'll now have the freedom to pursue.   That should keep her busy.

I'd suggest taking no phone calls/emails as good news.  Surely if something was really wrong they would track you down and make contact.   Every day they don't call is a day your DD is doing well.

[zibazinski]

It's over and done with. I worried, as did others, about her getting physical with you. Glad the place had help for that. Don't answer phone or door for MIL for a few days. Yes, you can help out but no "borrowing" trouble. She's got money, she can hire caregivers and meals on wheels. But I'd start looking at homes for her as well.

[Ombud]

Your DH is right:

Sept 10, 2015 14:01:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

My husband  said today you need to move on or its not going to do you any good to have her gone

And replacing her troubles with MIL is self defeating. I know it's hard especially since you've spent your life doing this and a new phase can be hard

[busymom]

Guess what came in the mail today, Pat, & I immediately thought of you. My "America by Rail" tours catalog for 2016.   They've got all kinds of rail tours throughout the US & Canada.  It's time for you to start living your dreams.  Their website is:  americabyrail.com   Go ahead & order their catalog, & it'll give you some ideas of some of the neat places you can visit, without having to drive your motorhome.  (Let someone else do the driving AND the cooking.)  Hope you're having a great day!

[Artemis Windsong]

I think just for the winter months is a good idea.

If she thinks people are stealing from her, this will get worse when she's in a nursing home.  And she is probably right that people will be stealing her things.  We went through this with my late MIL.  She had paddle locks on nearly every cabinet.  Carried her important papers with her in her purse.  Slept with the purse. 

[Anne_in_VA]

I haven't been on much lately, but I've been thinking about you.  I believe you've done the right thing for your daughter.  Take care of yourself and get some rest.

[dannylion]

I agree that letting her call you was a good sign. Also ending the call when she became abusive.  It indicates that they are setting behavior boundaries, which should benefit DD in the long run as it might help her learn to control her outbursts.

I hope you can get your MIL settled somewhere with supervision. It sounds like she really is not safe on her own. The hallucinations are apparently common with Alzheimer's patients. My mom used to see a little girl in the tree in their back yard.

[Deleted]

I think there's a fine line. You don't want your daughter to think you abandoned her and never want to hear from her again, but you also don't want her to think it's ok to call you and verbally abuse you. And the people caring for her need to know that someone is looking out for her, that it matters to someone will know and do something about it if she's not treated well. I know it's all very complicated and I feel for you and your daughter.

And missy, you didn't even take ONE day to just chill out! You jumped right onto stuff with your MIL. Can you sit down and just BE for a minute or two? Your daughter is in good hands, you can't make any decisions about your MIL, just chill out and enjoy some peace for a few days. Spend some quality time with Pat.

[mmhmm]

They're teaching her, @patstab, what is appropriate behavior in her new environment and what will happen if behavior is inappropriate. She wanted to call home. That's a reasonable request, so they allowed her to call home - with supervision. As soon as she started the abusive behavior, however, she lost the privilege of talking to you. She has to learn the ropes. This was a lesson in what she can do and what she can't do.  

[busymom]

Sept 10, 2015 19:21:53 GMT -5 @patstab said:

They actually let DD call me tonight, wasn't two sentences before she wanted to come home then got mad at me.  I heard them say if she is talking like that she can hang up and she must have slammed the phone down. I tried calling them, wanting to see when I can drop off her computer and get internet hooked up.  Didn't get anyone.

Why in the world would they let her call me already?

    I'm guessing they're using a reward system to teach proper social skills.  (They do that with kids with autism.)  They figure out what rewards are highly motivating, & allow them to work towards that reward.  Your DD might have been asking them to call you, & they said if she did X and Y, that she'd be able to give you a call.  Once she got mad the reward was over with, and the phone call ended.

[Deleted]

Sept 10, 2015 20:03:30 GMT -5 dannylion said:

I agree that letting her call you was a good sign. Also ending the call when she became abusive.  It indicates that they are setting behavior boundaries, which should benefit DD in the long run as it might help her learn to control her outbursts.

I hope you can get your MIL settled somewhere with supervision. It sounds like she really is not safe on her own. The hallucinations are apparently common with Alzheimer's patients. My mom used to see a little girl in the tree in their back yard.

My great grandmother used to get so angry because a lady would be in her chifferobe mocking her. The lady would dress just like her and mimic all her movements. The chifferobe had a mirror on it and the lady was my great grandmother's reflection.:-(

[busymom]

Sounds like mmhmm & I learned the same therapy techniques.