DD & MIL's Issues

[busymom]

As a parent myself of a special needs child, of course you are going to make mistakes. As any parent does. What you do is the best you can. (I think with a child with a disability, you will always second-guess yourself. Am I trying the right therapy? Are we putting enough hours into it? Or, are we doing too much & stressing out our kid?) I think Pat has done her very best in an extremely stressful situation. And yes, the stress can wear you down.

[NastyWoman]

Aug 29, 2015 13:34:08 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I should say will make her happy for a few days, nothing makes her happy.

I had to quit everything I was working on today. She was mad, stomping and screaming that she needed a new computer, its 6 months or so old. I wouldn't let her spend her money, it was hers and she wanted one. Like I explained she doesn't get much, I take out rent and food money, mainly to keep her from wasting it, its saved back in the cabinet and will be spent on some furniture and the rest on clothing and things she needs, not junk. She has wasted hundreds on junk she buys and gets rid of or throws away. Anyway, I told her she was not getting one so that set her off more. 

Just some silly musings since it is still very early here for a night owl like me. Pat, while reading your posts the last couple of days (I'm back home again) it struck me that if you think back far enough (33 years in my case) that there is a certain similarity with the time DD was born: things get hardest just before a baby enters the world. You are about to let your DD go off on her own in a protected environment where she will be able to live on her own. And like that pre/new-born she once was she will fight leaving the "womb" of all she has ever known and the changes in her life that she can't stop from happening. 
The biggest difference with this rebirth of your DD is that your long time of parenting and caregiver will finally come to an end.  And there is no epidural available this time for you, but the end is in sight. Stay strong, you can do this 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Aug 31, 2015 8:51:04 GMT -5 busymom said:

As a parent myself of a special needs child, of course you are going to make mistakes. As any parent does. What you do is the best you can. (I think with a child with a disability, you will always second-guess yourself. Am I trying the right therapy? Are we putting enough hours into it? Or, are we doing too much & stressing out our kid?) I think Pat has done her very best in an extremely stressful situation. And yes, the stress can wear you down.

In addition, there have been enormous strides in the treatments and approaches to many special needs since Pat's DD was born.  She made the choices she made at that time with the knowledge and choices available to her at that time.  No doubt, if any kid with a learning disability was born today, his or her trajectory will be very different than any kid born in the past 20, 30, 40 years.  This is even true for medical treatment -- we treat heart attacks much differently today than we treated them 10, 20, 30 years ago.

It is what it is.  We can't undo the past.  Just keep moving forward.  

So, Pat, take it easy on yourself.  You made good choices along the years -- the best you could make at the time given what you knew.  I suspect you may have even been encouraged to place your daughter in a residential setting when she was very young.  You chose to keep her at home and she has had a far superior life because of it.  You've done well by her.  Now, let her move on to the next phase of her life while you move on to the next phase of yours.

[mmhmm]

Aug 31, 2015 8:24:32 GMT -5 Value Buy said:

Aug 31, 2015 0:21:51 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I can find no evidence of any of your posts being removed from this thread, VB. The following 5 posts are still in the thread (I use military time - Eastern Daylight):

8/18 at 1509, 8/18 at 1101, 8/12 at 0020, 8/17 at 0700 and 8/6 at 2141.

If you think the post was made before August 1, I'll be happy to look back further but I think your posts are all still here in the thread.

I have to assume a post was lost in space, so I apoligize.
Last night it took me two times to get a post to make it through to the board on another thread.
I only realized it because after posting, I was going to respond to another post on the same thread, and saw my other post which I had just sent was not there, and went back to repost a second time.
When I posted here, Sunday, I did not check to see if it made it to the board. When I came back to the board last night, I noticed my post was not here.

Like they say, never ASSume anything.

Ahh. Yep, that does happen. Things get glitchy from time to time. I did a pretty good search, so it must have been a glitch if a specific post is missing. I'm having odd things happen with my computer because Vaio is still tinkering with it in preparation for WIN10. I won't upgrade until I see that Vaio isn't tiptoeing through my cyber tulips every day.

Anyhow, no need for an apology. Anytime someone posts they've had a problem, if I see it I'll try to ferret out what might have happened. OCD? Prolly. 

[bean29]

Aug 31, 2015 8:24:32 GMT -5 Value Buy said:

Aug 31, 2015 0:21:51 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

I can find no evidence of any of your posts being removed from this thread, VB. The following 5 posts are still in the thread (I use military time - Eastern Daylight):

8/18 at 1509, 8/18 at 1101, 8/12 at 0020, 8/17 at 0700 and 8/6 at 2141.

If you think the post was made before August 1, I'll be happy to look back further but I think your posts are all still here in the thread.

I have to assume a post was lost in space, so I apoligize.
Last night it took me two times to get a post to make it through to the board on another thread.
I only realized it because after posting, I was going to respond to another post on the same thread, and saw my other post which I had just sent was not there, and went back to repost a second time.
When I posted here, Sunday, I did not check to see if it made it to the board. When I came back to the board last night, I noticed my post was not here.

Like they say, never ASSume anything.

I have had that happen myself several times, I think sometimes maybe we are using WIFI and it is slow and we don't realize something did not go through before we moved on to the next thing.

[bean29]

Aug 31, 2015 16:28:13 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Yes, I was told by a doc to put her in a state institution that as she aged it would get worse and worse.  Well I didn't, but he was right, it finally did get worse, but I think the other would have been awful for her.  I can't even imagine how she would have been, what she would not have experienced, and though she doesn't appreciate the more fulfilling life she has had. Still she thinks I am terrible, sigh.

I am very unhappy about the motorhome, had my insurance in place, the check cut today now I found out the owner
lied. 

He had told the sales guy the motorhome had 6500 miles on it and they were advertising it that way.  I questioned why the carpet was so worn and why there was oil on the engine, not a lot but some.  He and I had been talking about that.  So today I pulled a Carfax report.  I am an unhappy camper, the motorhome was purchased in 2002 and it is only 1 owner.  However it was titled in NM then Arizona then Indiana.  They had to have emissions testing in Arizona and when they did they recorded the mileage, it is 53,550 or was in 2010.  That pissed me off royally, I called the dealer, he said I didn't know that's what they said and that's what I advertised, we are thinking they replaced the odometer.  However, from
doing one ourselves, I had to state the correct mileage and certify it that it was correct.  That's a federal law to
misstate the odometer mileage.  I don't know what will happen now but I'm not paying that much for the motorhome.
If they had said the correct mileage I would have thought nothing of it but lying about it then makes  you wonder.
I'm going to call Fleetwood and see what maintenance records they have too for that vin number.  The fools have no
idea you can check on this stuff now.

Yikes, I don't believe they did not know, I thought they always pulled carfax reports on trades?  Is your purchase complete?  What is your game plan to unwind the deal?

[CCL]

I'll bet they already looked at a Carfax. They probably just figured you wouldn't bother to check. They should have given you a copy to begin with.

[mmhmm]

Darn! I'm sorry about the motorhome, @patstab. I know how disappointed you must be.

[CCL]

I would not even believe that the dealership had no idea and I would not buy it at any price. You could always turn them in to the attorney general's office. 

[skubikky]

Aug 31, 2015 23:41:43 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I would say over half of them are sold under false pretenses. It's a dog eat dog world
with stuff like this.

Pat, maybe it's best that you don't buy this very expensive RV right now?
If it means that your DH can finish working sooner perhaps that is worth more than acquiring another
expensive item that requires him to continue overseas?

[Ombud]

Aug 31, 2015 17:46:55 GMT -5 @patstab said:

They only have my earnest money check of $1,000 and the dealer was holding it and not cashing it till they looked it over. .... The other $83k is in a check. I even had the checks made out to me and had to sign them over so basically they have nothing.

(1) did you cancel your $1000 check yet?
(2) Did you sign over the $83,000 check? They may say they're holding it but they've already proven that they're untrustworthy

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The other $83k is in a check. I ven had the checks made out to me and had to sign them over so basically they have nothing.

Do they have the check?  If they do call your bank and stop payment immediately.  There is nothing stopping them from cashing the check and you're counting on the bank catching it before it clears.  Good luck getting the money back if the bank gets lazy and passes the check.

[plugginaway22]

Hang in there, this has got to be so tough.  Your head and your heart competing with all these feelings.
But you know you have to listen to your head, and you are only doing what is best for her in the long run (and you).

Hugs.

[TheOtherMe]

Sept 1, 2015 17:23:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

The lady from the state observed her and when they took her out, she said you know you are doing the right thing don't

you? So far I'm hanging strong but I know one day the dam is going to break and I'm going to cry my eyes out. But we

are doing this. Hubby called me 3 times today to see how it went but I couldn't talk, I told him I would have to email him.

This is very hard on both of us and MIL too in all honesty.  But even she said you have to do this, you can't keep this up.

I will be on the phone and she will hear her.

   I can't imagine how this feels for you and how difficult it is, but it is the right thing to do before your health is totally destroyed.

[gacpa]

We all support you.  You are doing the right thing for all of you in the long run.

[Ombud]

Pat, I know you're disappointed that it fell thru but I think you'll REALLY be relieved in time. DD will be covered by however SSI turns out but you will need to supplement her as $50 dn go far

[zibazinski]

Don't, please don't, tell her she's going on the 9th. Just say nothing until dropping her off don't freak her out and stress yourself out arguing and discussing this for over a week.

[zibazinski]

Then check into a motel, turn your phone off and take a rest. You can program your phone to just accept calls from DH for awhile.

[taz157]

Yeah that to both of Zib's above posts!

[bean29]

Thanks for the update Pat. You are doing the right thing, I am sure this will be very difficult. We are your friends even if it is just a virtual friendship, and will continue to be here to listen as you work through this.

[steph08]

Sept 1, 2015 17:23:17 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Went to eye doctor, he also thinks its purely stress. He said if it happens again get my carotoid arteries and heart checked,

but he saw nothing wrong with my eyes.

Pat - I am sure it is all stress, but I can't believe you haven't had your carotid checked yet. I thought most people over 60/62 had it checked. It's a simple ultrasound.

My dad just had his carotid cleaned out, it was 85% blocked and he is 64 (but he was also a smoker for 40 years). He feels so much better and it is such a relief to him to know that at least something in there isn't going to break off and cause a stroke.

[Blonde Granny]

Pat, there are other ways to travel than in a motor home. I have a neighbor who is hardly ever home, although her DH is. She takes trips all over the world and has developed a small group of women that she travels with.

Last fall we took a trip to New England and Canada by bus, then boarded a ship that took us to the Maritime provinces. I'm not the most outgoing of people, so unlike you, I probably wouldn't take that trip alone, but if I found someone to travel with I certainly would.

Travel agents have resources so joining a singles cruise or bus trip with others that are alone is always an option. And if your DH does retire at some point, if he doesn't want to go with you, just do as my neighbor does, join a group and go. Let him stay home by himself. You can do a lot of traveling for the $85K you were going to spend on that MH (let alone maintenance costs).

www.myirelandtour.com/escorted-group-tours/singles-tours-of-ireland.php

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm really thrilled you actually have a date Pat.  And it's only 1 week out.  Is there a particular time of day or whenever you get there?  (I'm sort of doing a countdown, in my head, for you.)

[Blonde Granny]

I'm wondering how Pat will get to Korea if she has bathroom issues and get nervous if she doesn't have quick access.

The land portion of our trip last year was on a large tour bus.....we by choice sat within 5' of the restroom. There are so many options and trips for seniors traveling alone, but if excuses are made, those trips will never happen.  And we all do it...make excuses for things we really would rather not do.  Whether it's starting out by planning a budget and tracking expenses, or signing up for a trip, it seems the first thing out of our mouths is "I can't" when what we really mean is "I won't".

[busymom]

The trips in the US & Canada by rail are great! And, you can get your own little "suite" with your own bathroom. Maybe that's one way you can see North America, & not have to worry about your motorhome or getting to a bathroom.

(I think it's Amtrack that comes out with a catalog every year showing different rail tours you can take.  Obviously, I've been going though it & dreaming about where I'd like to go once DH & I are retired.) 

[Ombud]

Sept 2, 2015 9:03:48 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

I'm wondering how Pat will get to Korea if she has bathroom issues and get nervous if she doesn't have quick access

She just saved $84,000 + 7000 tax so she'll fly 1st Class!!

[Opti]

My daughter saw me crying and asked whats wrong. I told her you are not the only one that does not get to
do what you want. You don't want to go to a group home and I have had to give up my dreams because of
others so don't believe its just you. For once she understood what I was talking about, but that doesn't make
it better for either of us.

Sigh. Its unfortunate you and DH are fighting and have different desires. It would have been so much better if you had kept it simple and truthful. Your Dad and I are having a disagreement. Done. No need to mention anything else. I am concerned you keep doing things to make this move worse, like mentioning the group home when there is no need to.

[Blonde Granny]

From what Pat has posted, she seems to be taking her anger about this placement out on her daughter. The constant telling this is all her fault due to her behavior does nothing to improve the situation and only drives the DD to act out even more. DDs fear of change, living alone, new people and circumstances is bound to make any child angry and fearful.

I believe Pat is also discouraged and angry at her DH. Until that situation is resolved, things are not likely to change either.

BG- been there done that!

[tcu2003]

Hugs, pat! It's easy for the rest of us to say should/would/could do or say this or that, but you're the one in the daily grind. I watched my mom go through this with my dad in his last few years, and it's harder than I ever thought, and my mom didn't have to serve as his caregiver for 40 years.

This will get better. Hang in there - you are so close to getting a break, and being able to recharge and rejuvenate yourself. I hope that you take time and opportunity to do whatever it is that will help you accomplish that once you are able to place your daughter next week.

[zibazinski]

Sept 2, 2015 8:28:16 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I have bathroom issues at times that makes it so much easier to travel that way. I get really nervous if I get confined
somewhere without quick access.  It was something both DD and I needed.


I'll be fine, its just hard having to always defer what you want to do to care give.  Next it will likely be  me or
hubby.  That can't be far away.  Just having a pity party today, need to get busy.  Will go out and wash and
clean the old motorhome up.

I sympathize and empathize