DD & MIL's Issues

[Works4me]

Unfortunately that is a risk in leaving someone with compromised mental faculties home alone. There are just no good/easy solutions to any of this.

[debthaven]

Pat, I'm late to this thread because we were away, but I'm so happy and relieved for you. I hope your DD will thrive there once she gets settled in.

Can you "turn things around" a bit for her? Tell her, you can see I'm / we're getting old, but you're young. You have much more energy that I / we do, so I'm not much fun for you anymore. I don't have the strength to run around like I used to and you are surely bored with hanging around with me ... things like that? 

Also, I'm wondering, does the home ever take the residents out for the day? Because I know your DD likes to go out. 

Best of luck to all of you. But please, know that you are doing the right thing. It is wonderful that you can get her set up there, set up her furniture / deco so that she is happy in her new home, visit her (but not too often), get to know the staff and the other residents. It would be a nightmare for her if she were to be placed somewhere in a hurry because Gd forbid something happened to you. 

I also think it is wise to take items from home that she is familiar with and likes. 

And I agree, you can't move forward if you are thinking about her having to move back home.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Can you "turn things around" a bit for her? Tell her, you can see I'm / we're getting old, but you're young

That is a great idea.   She will be able to do a lot more and CONTINUE to do a lot more at the group home for a long time.  Meanwhile eventually Pat and her DH will start to slow down, which would hamper her more than she is already on her own.  

[Works4me]

Of course she is pushing back - totally to be expected. Keep strong and know that you really are doing what is best for her. Unfortunately, she is not going to be happy right now but the reality is that she was not happy before this - hopefully, she will relax and enjoy her life but she may not ever be happy. All that you can do is what you are doing - securely place her in a good home, visit as you can, and allow her to have a life apart from you and her father. 

Abilities and and disabilities aside, there are just some people that refuse to be happy. You seem to be one that makes the best of things wherever you are - me too. All that you can do is give your DD a place to build her own life and equip her well, as you are. The rest of it, the results, are up to her.

Once again, all I can add is hugs of love and thoughts/prayers of support for you and your family.

[Tennesseer]

Pat-would it be at all possible for your husband to return home right before it is time to permantly place her and the two of you show a united front and tell your daughter this is in her best interest to go to this home?  The two of you would escort her to her new home.

It would help you imensively if your husband had your back, and you in return had his, in person.

[CCL]

I, too, am not surprised she's pushing back, trying to wear you down, change your mind. All kids do that, you know. 

Lots of good advice from everyone. It sounds like they are really trying to welcome her. 

Is that the ISDH there doing a survey? I'm not familiar with group homes, but in a nursing home or assisted living facility, that is a very big deal and would explain a delay of a few days. I wouldn't interpret that as dragging their feet or changing their minds. 

Hang in there. It will get better.

[Ombud]

@patstab, whenever she wears you down, read this:

Aug 24, 2015 15:08:36 GMT -5 swamp said:

I'm seeing a situation similar to yours right now.

Mom was caretaker for her adult disabled daughter. High functioning disabled, but not able to live alone.   She failed to make arrangements for daughter's care. Mom had a stroke and is incapacitated. County is stepping in now because no one else can or will.

Don't let it come to this.

[Deleted]

You sound very different in your posts since she came back home, I get the feeling you're feeling very guilty and taking on some of her negativity.

She will relate to whatever age residents she will engage with regardless of their ages as compared to hers. You make it sound like she is a teenager and needs constant stimuli. How much stimuli does she have sitting in her bedroom talking to herself and her dolls all day long like you've stated she does? She will be okay. She will learn a new "normal" after awhile, really she will.

Chances are that her new home will become her new normal and she will forget how it feels living with you...in time. She's rebelling.......and that's to be expected and predictable. It's part of the process. Accept it....this is hard. Probably one of, if not, the hardest things you've done in your life. You'll get past this part and the sun will shine for both of you again. You just have to be patient. "Patience grasshopper..."

I am comforted by Inspirational/Spiritual topics..just sayin'....my Faith has gotten me through some very difficult times..

Try to get some rest....

[Opti]

Aug 26, 2015 0:13:29 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Sadly the residents there are not young and there are not many of them so unless they get some younger she only has the staff to  relate

to and that isn't good either.

Right now she has you and MIL to relate to, is it really worse for her to have more people - residents and staff to talk to, even if they are around your and MIL's age?

[Deleted]

I apologize if my post seemed mean, I don't intend to be. I'm praying for you. I understand that you are let down with the Admin. delaying her intake date. I know that you are worn down...and need rest.

I just don't want you to lose Hope...

This will end up being a very good thing for her, and you and dh..

It's hard but necessary, and you are strong enough to manage this.

Peace...

[Opti]

Aug 25, 2015 22:56:16 GMT -5 CCL said:

I, too, am not surprised she's pushing back, trying to wear you down, change your mind. All kids do that, you know. 

Lots of good advice from everyone. It sounds like they are really trying to welcome her. 

Is that the ISDH there doing a survey? I'm not familiar with group homes, but in a nursing home or assisted living facility, that is a very big deal and would explain a delay of a few days. I wouldn't interpret that as dragging their feet or changing their minds. 

Hang in there. It will get better.

I know someone who works at a group home. My understanding is being certified by the state every year is a similar big deal like it is in a nursing home or assisted living facility. I agree with you, they are just trying to pass it, not delay DD's placement.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Probably part of why she is unhappy at the group home is she's realized she can't manipulate them/guilt them like she does you.   The staff isn't going to play her games.   That probably comes as quite a shock to her.

After 40 years she knows how to play you like a fiddle (no offense), that's why she's pulling out all the stops after coming home I bet.   You're sticking to yoru guns about her going so she's trying every trick she knows hoping you'll finally roll over and give up.

All children do this.  With my toddlers I read it takes up to 2 weeks for them to fully adjust/accept their new normal.  In the meantime they will try EVERYTHING to get you to go back to the status quo.

It will drive you as the parent insane or at least towards alcoholism.   But stick to your guns Pat, you know you're doing the right thing.  

She WILL adjust eventually.  She may not be "happy" like you want her to be but NOBODY is "happy" right now as things currently are.   Time to put on your own oxygen mask first.
 

[bean29]

Aug 24, 2015 17:46:30 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Trust me, nothing wrong with DH's mind and he just pulled crap to avoid doing something he didn't want to do. He also thought it'd trap me at home so I couldn't get stuff done until after dialysis. I just left him at home and did what needed to be done. I use dialysis time for catching up on much needed sleep since I don't get it at night. I did not miss the snoring and whale blowing the last 3 nights while I was out of town. He didn't like having a stranger in the house. Too bad so sad. I'm not killing myself with stress and no sleep. He doesn't even notice that I'm not eating.

Sorry Zib, I am just reading this now.  I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time.  I am glad you found a way to get some sleep.  Your DH is dealing with a lot right now, and some selfishness is understandable.  I am sure you are very important to him and your well being is important too.  We are always here if you need someone to vent to, or use as a sounding board.

Pat, I agree with the others, you are doing the right thing...just keep moving ahead, give your DD some choices and "ownership" in her move.  It sounds like a good place for her, so hopefully she will settle in.

[zibazinski]

Yup. I got precious sleep last night and the world already looks better.

[bean29]

I always question if what I have done with and for her has been the right thing, must not have

been.

Pat, I have a tendency to second guess myself too.  My DH will very firmly tell me don't look back.  Don't second guess yourself once you made a decision.  You make very thorough thought out decisions,  if something doesn't work out, it is not necessarily that you made the wrong choice, maybe the home will close our something else will occur and you will want to make a change.  She is 40 years old, and she has been lucky to be with you all this time.  You have been able to travel with her, she is probably more well traveled than my own 2 kids.  This is a new experience and it is traumatic, but it will work out in the end to be a positive change.

[zibazinski]

You are Always going to question this. Plus other decisions. That's what sets us apart from animals. Or sociopaths.

[swamp]

Aug 26, 2015 8:23:15 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I know but I'm so tired. I woke up with her laying in bed with me this morning. I don't care we have a big one but what woke

me up is her mumbling. I even have the white noise machine on. I told her I don't care if she lays there but please quit talking

to herself. She did feed the dog and then the cat when I asked her. It's about 9 so I shouldn't complain but I'm just never rested

anymore and like to just wake up on my own.  I do stay up to late at night. as I can't sleep very good.  Now I'm out of tramadol

and my whole body aches, my back is killing me. 

I was hoping to go back to sleep for a bit but could hear her talking to herself. So I said if you can't be quiet go in the other room.

Apparently, as per the norm, that made her mad. She has been obsessively buying beads again when we go anywhere and she

screamed, I just threw them all away like you wanted me to, so there. Just a typical way of her doing things anymore. It may

sound like a small thing and silly, but day after day someone on your back to shop constantly then to give or throw stuff away

just drives me crazy anymore. I feel like I am walking around and trying to just stay numb to keep from screaming and whipping

the shit out of her. She acts like a kid and I sometimes feel like treating her like one. Her dad says I just wouldn't let her buy that

stuff.  Well ok, he can go to the garage or go work on something or leave and I have to listen to her so easier said then done, right

now I'm just trying to get through each day with my greatly reduced sanity.

Yes, I feel sorry for her but not enough to keep her. If I had to keep her, it would be signing a death sentence for me it has

gotten that bad. I just can't exist like this anymore.  Some of it is the same crap I've put up with a long time but some is worse.

How she thinks treating someone worse will get her desired result is beyond me.  And just dealing with it over and over is just

exhausting. Anyway I have her fed so that will help her.  It was way to long between eating times for her which contributed too

that outburst I'm sure. We can't eat now till after 4 when we have our exams.  It checks all the major artieries, etc to see if

any are narrowed or near blocked, I haven't had it done for 11 years she never has.

Right now I'm just operating in the survivor mode. Would like to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head, and when I wake

up all this would be over and done.  But no, this will extract the last pound of flesh in waiting to get this done.  I wonder how much

longer I will have to keep her.  As she thinks with each day she will get to stay now.

He's not there.  Tell him to stuff it.

[zibazinski]

Walk outside and away from her. Tell her to stay in her room until she hears you get up. Waking you up is total BS on her part. Take a walk and get away for awhile. She's killing you. Part of her knows this. Part of her doesn't get it. Do NOT discuss the home with her anymore. If she brings it up, walk away. Don't engage period.

[Opti]

She tells me I just can't do this to her and I'm abusing her.

You are letting her control the dialogue so no wonder it is grating on you. Dig from the deep reserves I know you have and start shooting down her marketing campaign. Have your own. For things like the above just twist around, I've taken 40 years of you treating me badly, I am not up to another one. You have been far more blessed than most people in your situation. You could have been put in a home at 7 years old, 18 or even 25. Regular people usually leave home somewhere between 18 and 25 years old. Its past time DD. I prefer we make this easy so we have pleasant visits while I am still alive but ... (gaze meaningfully off into the distance)

Make it your own. Do not let stupid or unrealistic statements from her stand. It gives her the belief she is right and it appears to be influencing you when it most certainly should not. You know her better than I do, but it almost seems like you are afraid of this working. That you are afraid of the piece of mind you have been denying yourself for years. Its time, Pat. Embrace the change. Embrace the peace and quiet you have been waiting for. (Need a bubble bath emoticon here. )

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

He's not there. Tell him to stuff it.

x 1000.

You can use my 2x4 to beat his head in with if you want.

He is never home, he doesn't have to deal with DD 24/7.    Everyone gets to their breaking point and you do what you gotta do.  If that means buying her the toy you bought her the toy.  Nobody has the right to judge till they've walked in your shoes.

It's easy to tell you what to do when he doesn't have to face the consequences himself.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Glad some more are speaking up about her DH - he's been "running away" from his responsibilities at home for the last 40 yrs. He's always conveniently had a job out of town or overseas for weeks/months on end - leaving Pats at home to deal with EVERYTHING on her own - not only her DD and her issues, but also all the vehicle and properties maintenance & upkeep, plus having to deal with HIS mother (her MIL) while he gallivants all over the place leaving Pats holding the bag and having to make all the tough decisions.

It's no wonder you're exhausted & worn out, Pats. I doubt your DH would last a week dealing with all of that on his own without any help.

As for your DD and her transition into the group home setting, I don't think you should be letting her negotiate - she's got to get used to the idea that it IS going to happen - and the sooner she accepts it and cooperates, the easier it will be for her.

Next time she goes for an overnight or weekend/week, stay away and give her a chance to get into a routine there. Don't keep driving up there to take her shopping or to lunch. And don't rush to bring her home again. Each time she returns home, she gets more and more determined NOT to go back - it's sending her a mixed signal that her stay there is only temporary and she can always come home if she causes a big enough scene. And lately she seems to be getting more and more hostile and physically aggressive.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Another perspective to consider:  this is a HUGE, life-changing, move for DD.

She may very reasonably be scared and anxious about it.  What does it mean?  Do you not love me?  Will I ever see you again?  Will I still be your daughter?  All are somewhat childish questions, if you will, but it sounds like DD functions at the level of a child.  Any child would be freaked out by the relatively sudden idea that your parents were sending you away!!!

How about changing the conversation to one of re-assurance?  "I love you with all my heart and always will."  "You will always be my daughter."  "This move sounds scary, but it will really all be okay, DD.". "I want you to have friends and go out and do fun things and I am getting too old for those things."  "I am doing this FOR you, NOT "to" you."  "I want you to have a good life.  It's boring for you spending all day at home with just me.  I want you to go/see/do."  "We will still see each other.  I will visit, and take you out to eat, and we'll talk on the phone, and Dad will visit, and Grandma, too.  Maybe I can bring BJ and the cat to visit you, too!"

If you acknowledge her worries and fear and address them head on, it might calm her a bit.  She might also be an experiential learner who isn't going to "get" it until she's living it.  But, lay the foundation that this is a GOOD thing for HER.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 26, 2015 13:43:39 GMT -5 @patstab said:

They won't let her do another overnight, but I don't know now when she is going. I'm not negotiating anything with her.

I just want her to leave me alone right now.

I am driving to the hospital, I think something is wrong with my head. Late 

Pat, please consider pulling over and calling for an ambulance. 

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Aug 26, 2015 13:48:11 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Aug 26, 2015 13:43:39 GMT -5 @patstab said:

They won't let her do another overnight, but I don't know now when she is going. I'm not negotiating anything with her.

I just want her to leave me alone right now.

I am driving to the hospital, I think something is wrong with my head. Late 

Pat, please consider pulling over and calling for an ambulance. 

And, then, calling your DH and ordering him to come home and help until your daughter is placed and settled!!!!  He can take a leave under the FMLA.  

You need him home NOW!!!!!!!!!!

[zibazinski]

The deal they made was he worked and she did the rest. I need to tell you most men leave period and go on with their lives. Pat's DH at least stayed married and supported them. I taught kids with special needs for more than 20 years. Two sets of parents were intact. The rest, the men left. It sucks but most men won't stay and live with the constant problems. But Pat has got to go on because if she doesn't get it done and over with, someone else will and it'll be the first place that comes open. The caregivers are the first to go. I'm trying to balance that right now. It's not easy. Pat's whole life has revolved around her daughter and her needs. That's tough to undo. As bad as it sounds, DH is back in the hospital. I'm eating and sleeping. It's not serious thank GOD but it reminds me to care for myself. Pat needs to do the same. Her DD will do her in otherwise and not even mean to, just like DH to me. Then who cares for them then? No one or horrid people.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

They won't let her do another overnight, but I don't know now when she is going. I'm not negotiating anything with her.




I just want her to leave me alone right now.


Pat for the love of God if your DH won't or can't fly home PLEASE spend the money to get some help!  I know you don't want outsiders being up in your business but I am getting concerned you may end up giving yourself a stroke.   You REALLY need help and NOT your MIL who has just as many (but different) problems as DD.

I'm saying this b/c you're talking about blurry vision and your head hurts.   I would hate to see something bad happen to you right as you are so close to the end.

There is no trophy given for going it alone to the point where you kill yourself.   Find someone, ANYONE who will lend a helping hand between now and when you get the green light to move her into the home.

[taz157]

Aug 26, 2015 15:57:22 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

They won't let her do another overnight, but I don't know now when she is going. I'm not negotiating anything with her.




I just want her to leave me alone right now.


Pat for the love of God if your DH won't or can't fly home PLEASE spend the money to get some help!  I know you don't want outsiders being up in your business but I am getting concerned you may end up giving yourself a stroke.   You REALLY need help and NOT your MIL who has just as many (but different) problems as DD.

I'm saying this b/c you're talking about blurry vision and your head hurts.   I would hate to see something bad happen to you right as you are so close to the end.

There is no trophy given for going it alone to the point where you kill yourself.   Find someone, ANYONE who will lend a helping hand between now and when you get the green light to move her into the home.

Yeah that!!!

[zibazinski]

I'm telling you, get yourself a big stern looking person and hire her.

[Ombud]

Aug 26, 2015 16:30:20 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Hubby is 100% behind her going. And he is quitting in March.

it'd be nice if you were still around

[dannylion]

Sending good thoughts for Pat and her DD.

I don't have anything constructive to offer, but it did occur to me to wonder whether DD might be in perimenopause.  If so, some of the behavior issues might be related to hormonal fluctuations. If she has a GYN, maybe having her hormone levels checked might be helpful.

Take care of yourself, Pat. You're doing the same wonderful job caring for your DD that you have done all of her life.   You're doing the right thing for her.