DD & MIL's Issues

[CCL]

Aug 22, 2015 12:55:55 GMT -5 busymom said:

In the meantime, you could use the old burglar trick. Put a pile of glass pop bottles in front of your closed door. If anyone tries to come into your room, it will be VERY loud, & wake you up.

But then won't you have a bunch of broken glass to clean up or possibly get hurt on?

[CCL]

Aug 22, 2015 0:56:03 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Hopefully she stays there. Coming back would be bad for Pat and for her.

I'm thinking she might adjust better if she stays longer before coming back with Pat. Not the same, I know, but it reminds me of sending the kids off to preschool. It was better to drop them off and let them adjust on their own rather than stick around, trying to help them transition.

[CCL]

Aug 22, 2015 15:09:50 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Aug 22, 2015 15:05:25 GMT -5 CCL said:

I'm thinking she might adjust better if she stays longer before coming back with Pat. Not the same, I know, but it reminds me of sending the kids off to preschool. It was better to drop them off and let them adjust on their own rather than stick around, trying to help them transition.

I would hope the timeframe between the overnights and the move is fairly short. I do think it's a good way to transition...spend a day or two...then home to prepare for the full move..maybe a week?

Maybe so. It's hard to say, Pat is in the best position to decide, along with facilty staff recommendation, what will work best. A tough situation for everyone, for sure.

[Opti]

Aug 21, 2015 23:15:06 GMT -5 busymom said:

Pat, I'm glad you got through a very difficult day. Seriously, if you have to pick her up & bring her back, I would strongly suggest having her sit in the back seat, in the opposite corner of you when you are driving. I'm thankful you didn't get in an accident, or worse. I'm wondering if they are able to provide transportation in the future, like one of those vans they've got in the city here?

I like the opposite corner idea, and make sure she is belted in. So sorry she hit you. Be strong, do not let her get away with it if she does it again. You might want to do what a co-worker does when she is worried about a patient known for hitting. She tells them hitting is assault, and I will call the cops on you if you hit me.

[mollyanna58]

How about a simple hook and eye on your door?

[Blonde Granny]

Unless her Drs. appts are a matter of life or death, cancel them!!!! You need to get her back there as fast as you can (Monday would be good). Don't give her 5-7 days of being at home  so it can start all over again. Let her stay there 3 or 4 weeks then pick her up for the appts, have lunch, maybe buy her something she wants for her room and then take her back to her new home.

[Anne_in_VA]

Pat,  I haven't got any advice for you but I wanted to say how much I am in awe of you! You've done more for your DD and MIL than most of us could have.  You are amazing!  Hang in there.

[mmhmm]

Aug 22, 2015 21:13:30 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I want to thank everyone for the positive thoughts and advice. It means a lot to me.

You mean a lot to us, Pat. You're a strong woman and you've been through a lot, and are still facing difficulties. We're here for you when you need to vent, or to share your concerns. 

[cronewitch]

Can one of you sleep in the motor home?

[Tennesseer]

Keep writing, Pat.  It is cathartic for you and interesting to the rest of us.

[busymom]

I'm glad both of you got through the weekend. It sounds like, once she thought things through, she really did have a pretty good weekend. (And, I'm glad you got some sleep!)

[Opti]

It's cruel to have to do what we are doing.

I think you might want to change your point of view on that, she might be picking up on your POV and it makes it too easy to give you guilt trips. It is not cruel to put her in a facility like this. She is 40, not 12. Cruel would be doing nothing and having her be placed wherever after your death. It is smart and wise to place her now. You still have the ability to visit her and take her on day trips.

Cruel would be waiting. JMO. And just because she was waiting all day for you does not mean it had anything to do with what staff told her or did not tell her. So many patients at the sub-acute facility I work at want to leave, that some will get ready to leave way before they are scheduled, even if they know the day and time they will get picked up and released. Odds are high it is just another way your DD wants to guilt you. FWIW.

ETA: Focus on the fact the weekend mostly worked. You need her to go and it is past time she was not living with you 24x7x365. The sooner this works out, the quicker MIL can be placed.

[zibazinski]

Maybe stop talking about it? I don't think I'd mention that she's going back for good after the dentist, either. I'm thinking that will be the dentist appointment from hell if you do. I view it as the less information the better but I think having a lot of her familiar stuff will help ease the transition. Of course it won't be the RIGHT dolls or the RIGHT books or furniture but it's a new beginning. Do NOT take her home for any visits for a very long time. Visit her,go to lunch, go shopping, whatever, but no to home visits. If she starts the crying and all, end the visit and take her back. She will learn to not make a scene if the result is instant end of outing and visit by you. Like others have pointed out, she's not 12. Change is hard for most. For her, more so.  But better now than in some emergency situation. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Maybe stop talking about it

I was thinking the same thing.  I'd also stop mentioning it's b/c she has been so difficult and you just can't handle her anymore. You do make it sound like you are sending her away as punishment b/c you don't love her anymore. 

Instead play up the positives like she got to go to Wal-mart, help with breakfast.  Point out some of the things she got to do there she can't do at home.   Make it an adventure and a way for her to get the independence she seems to crave but can't really get at home.

If you want her to be happy and stay there then you need to make it so living there sounds better than home. 

I understand where you are coming from with what you are saying and you are at the end of your rope, but she probably doesn't.  After all you've taken care of her all her life why would it all of a sudden would it be too hard for you now?  Your words reinforce that if she just does X, Y or Z that means she can come back home and doesn't have to stay there.   Then when you announce she's going back she gets upset.

I'd also not tie visits to her behaving at the home.  It just keeps reinforcing that this is all conditional and a punishment for her.

[CCL]

Aug 23, 2015 17:57:18 GMT -5 @patstab said:

This piece of crap keeps wiping out my posts, damn.

You know how to copy/paste don't you? Once you get a portion typed, "copy" it, then it will be saved and if it gets deleted, all you have to do is "paste" it to bring it right back. I always do this when submitting something to a website. I started doing this to solve the problem of typing a big long paragraph hitting "submit" and it wouldn't go through and was deleted. If it's something really long, I copy/paste to an email to myself so I have a copy saved indefinitely.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I always question if what I have done with and for her has been the right thing, must not have been.

IDK if there is really a one fits all solution in these kinds of cases Pat.   I'd say as an outsider you did the "right thing" by your daughter.  You've provided her a loving stable home for the past 40 years.  That's a lot more than some people would do in your situation.

Now you're doing your best to get her placed in a good facility before you  pass on.  Again a lot more than what some people would do in your situation.

[CCL]

You may already know this, but I believe Holiday World is closed during the week now, open weekends only.

[mmhmm]

Aug 24, 2015 14:46:48 GMT -5 CCL said:

Aug 23, 2015 17:57:18 GMT -5 @patstab said:

This piece of crap keeps wiping out my posts, damn.

You know how to copy/paste don't you? Once you get a portion typed, "copy" it, then it will be saved and if it gets deleted, all you have to do is "paste" it to bring it right back. I always do this when submitting something to a website. I started doing this to solve the problem of typing a big long paragraph hitting "submit" and it wouldn't go through and was deleted. If it's something really long, I copy/paste to an email to myself so I have a copy saved indefinitely.

You can also go to your Profile, click on Edit Profile/Settings and set Enable Drafts to "yes". That will save your posts periodically during creation.

[swamp]

I'm seeing a situation similar to yours right now.

Mom was caretaker for her adult disabled daughter. High functioning disabled, but not able to live alone.   She failed to make arrangements for daughter's care. Mom had a stroke and is incapacitated. County is stepping in now because no one else can or will.

Don't let it come to this.

[zibazinski]

Look, I didn't even tell my kids about things they were going to have to do if I knew it'd do nothing but upset them for hours/days before.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Aug 24, 2015 15:15:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Look, I didn't even tell my kids about things they were going to have to do if I knew it'd do nothing but upset them for hours/days before.

I don't tell mine about trips until I know it's happening, i.e. about 24 hours before we're leaving.  Then I get days like yesterday where I WANT to take them somewhere and they want to stay home.  So we stayed home.  Then at like 2pm they sprang on me "we should go to the indoor playground"   lol

[zibazinski]

Mine either. Just I know how upset my kids would get if they knew something they were dreading was coming up. No point in borrowing trouble. Let her stress and be upset AFTER dentist when there's 20-30 minutes left before being dropped off. But I'm serious about ending visits if she starts having tantrums or making scenes. You know she can control that so she's using it to control you. When it has bad results, visit ends early, no shopping or outing, it'll stop. It may take a few times and you may have to repeat that if her behavior in public/around you, isn't appropriate, visits end abruptly.

[zibazinski]

Trust me, nothing wrong with DH's mind and he just pulled crap to avoid doing something he didn't want to do. He also thought it'd trap me at home so I couldn't get stuff done until after dialysis. I just left him at home and did what needed to be done. I use dialysis time for catching up on much needed sleep since I don't get it at night. I did not miss the snoring and whale blowing the last 3 nights while I was out of town. He didn't like having a stranger in the house. Too bad so sad. I'm not killing myself with stress and no sleep. He doesn't even notice that I'm not eating.

[Works4me]

Good plan to send furniture from home for her - having things she knows can be comforting.

i also want to say that you are doing the right thing here - sending hugs and support.

[taz157]

Aug 24, 2015 20:19:56 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Good plan to send furniture from home for her - having things she knows can be comforting.

i also want to say that you are doing the right thing here - sending hugs and support.

[zibazinski]

Pat, it's going to be alright and don't even think of her having to come back home. That IS her new home. Her permanent home. It's going to be new beginnings for all.

[Opti]

She said something today that made me sad. She said the old lady there had died, I was in shock that no one told me, then she admitted

they had taken her to the hospital, she said they starved her. I saw them feeding her when I was there and she looked clean. I said you

think maybe she couldn't eat, well she admitted the lady had quit eating. My mom got to where she did that, kind of like my MIL now.

Anyway she looked at me, she says you know that house is where they take old people to die. I said honey that lady was lucky to be

there and not in a nursing home which I found unusual. That sounds like her grandma saying something like that, damn. I said you know

disabled people get old like everyone else, they are no different then grandma, dad, or me. We will all get old, we don't want to but it

happens to everyone. She has told me before she is afraid to die. I told her it will be ok, don't worry, its a long time away she is young.

She gets to me sometimes and that did.




Sometimes she is pretty insightful, poor sweetie.

I tried to handle it well, hope I did.

Insightful? If she's talking about this home you are planning to place her in, its not wise to feed her fears. Let her know there are homes for people who can not live by themselves for adults, and some people are older and some are younger. These are not hospice places. People get old, people get sick and die. No reason to let her fear herself into a panic to get more sympathy from you.

People try to play me and toy with me all the time as a receptionist at a sub-acute facility. For me, the important and smart thing to do is focus on the positive and spin it positively when I can. Letting people wallow in their misery, especially patients, only makes them and me feel worse. If you truly want this to work out, focus on all the good stuff and ignore the rest. If for some reason you want to feel guilt and feel bad for her, do that later, when she is gone. Now is the time to focus. If you want you and her to feel positive about this, that is what you need to focus and concentrate on.

This is good. For every negative thing I worry about there are several positive things to balance it out. Repeat as needed.

[Deleted]

Been soo busy doin' a million things haven't been on the boards much...just saw this.

Pat, I'm very pleased to read that dd is getting a placement and becoming more independent! Think of it......you're going to witness how much she grows, how much more she comes out of her current limited environment. To be accountable for her behavior, and what is acceptable behavior in society and her new home, will learn ALL kinds of new skills, gain new friendships. 

In 6 months you're going to say, geewhiz (as my dad used to say ) look at her now! Yes, it's going to take time for all of you to transition to her new normal and yours. Just accept that it's going to be a little rough for all of you. But you remember why you're doing this, just remember it is because you love her and you're not gonna live forever and you want to know that she is well taken care of that you're doing this now. Like any other loving, caring parent would do for their kid....stay positive, because that's what this is. Stay tough, because well.....all parents have to be tough sometimes. Very good feedback from the posters here, very good...  

Congrats, hang tough, keep it positive, don't entertain the negative and watch her FLY! *not gonna put the only 'flying' emoticon here, which is a black bat...lol...*

[Tennesseer]

Pat-in addition to letting her have a few pieces of furniture from home as previously mentioned, also include a few framed pictures from her room and the rest of the house too.

[Tennesseer]

Aug 24, 2015 21:49:29 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I was going around with a guy on facebook today, he started in on the he doesn't believe in abortion.  I said I believe in the womans right to chose.  He goes well if women kept their legs together this wouldn't happen.

I said you are just assuming this is happening to poor women that are not married, I said how does a married woman that can not afford more kids just keep her legs together?  I said if one man was put in those situations you would change all the laws quick.  He never came back and said another word.  You know those types rule the house.  LOL!  I told him I couldn't stand men using that phrase, like its all the womans fault, man that poed me.

I imagine you have heard this before, but if men could become pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.