DD & MIL's Issues

[plugginaway22]

Wow, that is fantastic news, I have followed your story for a long time and am very happy that this might be exactly what you all need! Best of luck!

[Jaguar]

Oh my I'm so happy for you, I'm here shaking so bad cause I was so worried and when I seen those place names, oh my gosh !!!

[Deleted]

Sooo happy for you! They are trained professionals and know how/what to do and handle her with respect, care and compassion. Don't fret. I think she'll be happier once she's made the transition...once she understands she's in a better place, with new friends, activities, responsibilities, day/shopping trips, with people just like her. She'll come to feel like she belongs with this group of people, ya know? At least that's what I think. Besties to come, yay!

It'll take time but just stay strong and know we all support you. You're being a Loving Mother Pat. You've taken care of her for what 44/45 years? You know this is what she needs at this point in her life, and you and Dh's life.

Best of Luck going forward....praying for you all.  

[Deleted]

Oh, I was responding to your post saying you were gonna be interviewed; didn't see these last couple of posts of yours describing you at your wits end and her latest fits.

This is for the best. She's acting like a completely spoiled brat.....disrespectful, etc. etc. etc.......

Don't you take it. Enough.

She will be taken care of well. And that's what you want, right? So rest assured she'll be fine, because she will..

[tcu2003]

Pat, I've followed your story for awhile now - this is such good news for you and your family. I can't imagine the relief, anxiety, hopefulness and a bajillion other emotions that you're probably experiencing. Best of luck with the interview and the transition period - I hope it all goes smoothly so your DH can go to Korea with you to meet the grandbaby.

[Value Buy]

Aug 11, 2015 23:01:24 GMT -5 @patstab said:

If she does go soon, the first week I'm doing nothing but sleeping

without someone waking me up at 7:30 in the morning screaming

at me like this morning.

Blessed sleep and not being on edge 24/7 never knowing when she

is going to have a fit again. I'm tired.

I think you are wrong about this.
The house that very next morning will feel empty.
There will be a hole in your heart.
You will be hit with remorse within two days, wondering if you made the right decision.
Don't worry. You made the correct decision!

You will have to remain strong on your decision.
I would prefer your husband to be with you for the first week or so. It would help you.
Good luck.

[marvholly]

pat

Have followed your history & issues for years w/ both MIL & DD.  Time for you & DH.  This has to be done sometime and the sooner the better for everyone's physical & mental health.

Here is sending hopes & prayers your way for the interiew today. 

[zibazinski]

MIL is not your problem 24/7 and you need to make that clear that you are not exchanging one who needs care for another. It's YOUR turn to think of only you and your needs. One week in Korea is not enough. It takes a day to get there then adjust to time change.  Fly in good seats, you deserve it. 

[NoNamePerson]

I remember when you tried a group home in Texas. I hope you find one where you are now that will meet both you and your daughters needs.

Enjoy your trip to see the Grandbaby. Is your husband going to meet you there? You may have answered that in other post but haven't read entire thread. I agree that one week is short time but it is better than nothing so try to enjoy it while you can.

[zibazinski]

This is going to be the longest three weeks of your life.

[NastyWoman]

What a lot of exiting and positive news @patstab, and I missed it all while on my vacation to Europe visiting my sibs. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for a great outcome

[bobosensei]

Pat- I am so happy to hear this!  Sounds like this would be the perfect fit for everyone right now.

[bean29]

Great news, I am so happy for you!

[seriousthistime]

Pat, I think people in their position who visit homes are always looking around a bit.  They need to make sure it is safe.  If there is any sign of abuse or neglect they may attempt to remove the dependent from the home immediately.  A clean, nicely decorated house is just one indication of care.  A dirty, messy house can pose different risks but not necessarily abuse or neglect. 

I'm sure they were very impressed, and obviously found no need to worry. 

[busymom]

I think there are a LOT of parents who are technically "chained" to their homes, taking care of a child with a disability.  I haven't yet found many people who will "babysit" my son, even though he is mild-mannered (most of the time) so DH & I have to plan our activities around each other's schedules.  There's a one in 10 chance of any child being born with a disability, then you add in the children injured in accidents, & I'm sure the number is huge. I'm glad your repair person understands what you're going through, & is respectful.

If I was in your situation, the first thing I'd do is catch up on my sleep.  After you get used to your new normal, then you can figure out whatever you'd like to add to your life.  In the meantime, so your MIL isn't bugging you constantly, figure out some places in town where you can get some much-deserved quiet time.  Is there a café, library, or somewhere you'd enjoy some down time?

[Wisconsin Beth]

Or just lock the doors, disconnect the doorbells and phones and veg out at home. 

[zibazinski]

I can't believe MIL is still driving. That just terrifies me.

[zibazinski]

Do you have to put labels on her clothes?

[Deleted]

 Glad it's all coming together for you.

Fingers crossed for all of you that you find the right place and glad to hear you have some options.

[swamp]

Aug 12, 2015 8:50:08 GMT -5 @patstab said:

He mentioned it, said he could fly in, maybe a week and a half, first everything has to fall in place.

And don't worry, I am not taking on MIL. Hubby has agreed if we have to we will take her to court

for a competency hearing. I think he has finally realized you cannot reason with people with mentalh

issues. Took him awhile. He is seeing all the problems with her sister and the son won't do anything

and he said she needs to have something done.  He is a realist believe it or not. But he hates to have

to do something with family, I think he finally realized the toll all this has taken on me. Finally!

He said this morning when he called, we have to do something, I told him there is a choice of 3 homes

but one was coed. He didn't see a problem, I do, because she may get fixated on one of the guys, get

it in her mind he is her boyfriend. I had that happen before and am still dealing with it, if they are not

interested then its her harassing them, so that one is out for now.

So that leaves us two, he is liking the one in Brazil, I said let me look into them. I know he is thinking

further away but if I have to do things for her at times, that is a problem in winter.

Just have to see. But we are pretty sure if offered we will take one after visits.

Don't rule a place out because its co Ed.  I'm sure the stA&F has experience with residents crushing on one another.  

[Works4me]

Would it be possible for you to travel and spend some time overseas with DH while he works? That could be really fun.

When I placed my father after over two years of 24/7 and not mor than three hours uninterrupted sleep, I slept for a week. It has taken me years to recover but I have lupus. Just be nice to yourself and know that you have done everything you can.

[marvholly]

Or book yourself a bunch of treatments or overnight/couple days at a local spa. Tme for Pat time.

If an empty house/no one to talk so bothers you Pat you can always get a dog, at least after your fall trip to see son & grand.

[marvholly]

I doubt she will remember Pat. That is a hallmark of alzheimers/dementia. Can remember many years ago but not yesterday or last week.

[Ombud]

I'm trying to figure out how to say this so it doesn't come off wrong. I know you spend way over her SSI check on her and don't mind. That's what parents do, but

The impending 16-19% cut in SSI/SSDI benefits shouldn't adversely affect her if they take all but $50 of her check.

[Blonde Granny]

Pat, my Mom is in assisted living on a Medicaid Waiver.  She is allowed $60/mo out of her SS check for incidentals. She did find out I'm paying her phone bill every month, don't know who told that one, my brother covers her weekly hair appts. and our son pays for her goodies and some personal items from Target. Her funeral is paid for as is the burial plot and headstone.

Any other incidentals my brother receives the bill for and pays it out of her account. We are only paying for these things because we want to and we can afford it. My brother may also pay out of her account when she wants to buy Christmas or birthday gifts for grandkids and great grandkids.

[Works4me]

In California, one is allowed $35 for personal expenses per monthtotal assets cannot exceed $2000 and hose amounts pre-date 1987.

[Tennesseer]

Aug 16, 2015 15:50:58 GMT -5 @patstab said:

My husband can't get over the fact it will all be paid. I always knew it would if the state ever approved her.  I told him that, tells you how much he listens. 

My MIL called yesterday at 8:30, she knew we were going to town, I ask her but she seldom goes, but she asked if she could come, no

problem.  So I said come by 10 that's when we are leaving.  10 comes, I called her, she said why am I supposed to come over, she

hadn't even remembered.  So we went, went to Maceys and out to lunch at Fridays, then to Toys R Us, also Best Buy to pick up my computer then back to get the motorhome and take it back to the house, so a busy day. I think MIL enjoyed herself and didn't do

all that repeating she does. DD behaved nicely too, no fits just sweet. I got home and we were having a good afternoon.  I dosed off

in the recliner and she came in screaming, scared the crap out of me, how I refused to take her to the state fair??  I had been over it

a dozen times how we would go Tuesday.  Somehow she made it all up in her mind we weren't going. 

Before that I had been feeling guilty of here I was making her leave, but even MIL said don't change it, she will go right back to doing it again.  I'm not going to but yes, I do feel bad at times.

Tomorrow is our visit day to the 2 homes, she is going to be mad over that.

This computer has a problem, I'm typing and the letters will jump back into another sentence, that's weird.

Cutting SSI is going to screw up state budgets, probably a good thing we are getting her in.  I bet when they need to add many more clients this kills them, they will have to make up the shortfall I imagine.  It sure is going to hurt the most vulnerable of people, that's why they will cut them, they aren't strong enough to fight back.

Pat is your computer a desktop/laptop or a tablet/IPad? I have no problem with these boards when I use my desktop computer. But I have a problem using my tablet and have the same problem as you, especially if I quoted a poster and was replying to the quote. The curser would fly up into the quoted material without me knowing and I would be typing my message within the quoted material. If I noticed it before hitting the 'Create Post', I would have to cancel the post and start all over again. The letter 'I' or 'i' was usually the trigger to send the curser flying.

If you are using at least a tablet of IPad, try using the Visual instead of BBCode when typing your messages. BBCcode will send my curser flying into previous typed areas while Visual will not. This was recommended to me by one of Proboard's techies when I reported the problem of the flying curser.

While Visual has its own set of problems while using my tablet, it is easier and better than the mess BBCode creates.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Pat, it will be a huge but necessary change for all of you.

You need the break and you REALLY need DD to be placed while you have the energy and health to make sure it is the best fit for her.

Equally important, and absolutely NO criticism of the past 40 years during which she has had a truly wonderful life in your care, but your DD NEEDS to go make a life --even a supported life -- for herself. She needs friends and to do things with friends. She loves you, but a 40 year old doesn't want to do everything just with her mother, LOL!!! I expect the activity and stimulation level in the home will tire her and she will sleep better than ever.

Try not to feel guilty--this could very well work out fabulously for you all. There will be an adjustment period and that is okay. Maybe compare your DD's move with how your son is grown and living away from you -- this is what adults do!! Even your DH doesn't live with HIS mother-- your MIL. In other words, you're not sending her away, you're "allowing" her to start living *her* adult life.

You're doing the right thing. You should have mixed feelings -- this is a HUGE change for all of you. But have faith -- it is the right time and you all need this move.

Hugs.

[Ombud]

Aug 16, 2015 15:50:58 GMT -5 @patstab said:

Cutting SSI is going to screw up state budgets, probably a good thing we are getting her in.  I bet when they need to add many more clients this kills them, they will have to make up the shortfall I imagine.  It sure is going to hurt the most vulnerable of people, that's why they will cut them, they aren't strong enough to fight back.

Unnecessary evil until all employees / employers agree to pay more into the SSDI / SSI bucket. Hard sell

[Pants]

Pat - I just can't even imagine how hard this is for you. My heart breaks just thinking about it. But you know, too, that it's the right thing to do. Stay strong and be kind to yourself during this transition.