DD & MIL's Issues

[Peace77]

Pat, 

Have you considered temporary or respite care for your daughter so that you can get a break?

[NastyWoman]

I am saying putting your loved one in a facility and then leaving soon after rarely helps someone adjust quickly especially if they have lived with the caregiver and not been on their own. Some of the folks who have the hardest time adjusting have issues similar to Pat's DD or similar enough. All I meant is, she should if possible, be around for awhile, after she is placed. Some people require true 1 on 1 assistance, and no nursing facility or home is going to provide that. She's basically getting 1 on 1 care now. Its not clear to me that a group home situation will work for her. That's to be seen.

Let's get something clear here: @patstab is closing in on 70yo.  Getting DD in an acceptable -even if not perfect- placement now, is much preferable to waiting until Patstab is no longer physically able to care for DD. It is strictly my opinion, but I believe Patstab has already reached and surpassed that point mentally. The well is dry.

I greatly admire the dedication to her DD but it is time for her to enjoy life a little. So I'll stick to my original opinion and going away on vacation after placing DD will be a good thing for all involved.  There is a point of no return you know Opti ...

 

[Ombud]

Aug 5, 2015 14:41:40 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Opti said:

Its not clear to me that a group home situation will work for her. That's to be seen

The well is dry

@patstab is burnt out. We all agree on that. But I'm still stuck on 1 thing:

Are you saying that residents are bounced out if the parent / family doesn't hover for a while bc of behavior issues OR that they have a harder time adjusting?

Can she be discharged to the streets if she acts out? (which she will)

[CCL]

I don't think they would discharge her to the streets, but might try to place her some place more appropriate. Since that would likely be difficult they might send her home with Pat again.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Hugs. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please know that you've not failed her. I"m glad she's officially on the wait list. 

[msventoux]

I'm glad it's looking as thought you'll get help in one form or another, Pat.

You haven't failed your daughter.  You've loved and cared for her at a detriment to yourself and your wants and dreams.  You've fought for her when others would have given up.  Getting her placement will be a huge adjustment for all of you, but it's necessary for her (and your) ultimate well being.  Your family is very lucky to have you. 

[bean29]

Hugs. You haven't failed your daughter. You will get through this. I know you are not religious but I will pray for your DD. Many times when my Dad was in a Bi-Polar high, I thought maybe this will be the time he won't get better, but he always turned the corner and got better.

[Value Buy]

I am happy you might be seeing some progress.
Good luck!
Remember, she needs this as much as you do.

[mmhmm]

I'm glad there is evidence of progress! I can understand your worry, Pat. I'd worry, too. Any parent would. Usually, in cases like this, the person isn't happy to begin with. They don't like the change and they feel cast aside. They usually do act out but the places that do this kind of work understand and expect that. It's going to take awhile for her to get over her anger and bitterness and begin to even try to find happiness. Most of the time, it does work out - at least, in my experience. Just takes patience and a stiff upper lip. Hugs! You've done wonderfully all these years. You love her and you've sacrificed to give her the best care you knew how to give. 

[Value Buy]

Aug 7, 2015 4:16:44 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I can't sleep tonight, woke up at 4AM, stuff like this really bothers me.

DH said you put her the first place that comes up, don't turn it down.

I wish he would be home and he might be who knows when this is done,

I know I will go weak in the knees and break down. It has to be done one

day anyway and I know its better to do now then when one of us becomes

sick or is dying, that would introduce to much drama, to fast into her life.

Just wish there were someone else to look out for her in this country once

we are not able to or here to do so. She is so vulnerable.

Not the best response from your husband, imo.

The first place may be totally wrong.  Too easy for him to say that. He will not be the one doing it. You will.
And emotionally this is a ton harder for you than him.
I am speaking from the male perspective and how we "think".
It sounds ok, but it's not in YOUR FEMALE DNA makeup to just put her in the first place that pops up. It has to meet your requirements for your daughter.

It sounds like you have made progress.Just keep plugging on. It will work in the end.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Hugs Pat.

You've said it yourself that you won't  be around forever.   IMO it's better to place her now while you/DH are still here to be her advocates if need be.   If you try to hang on until the very end then when the time comes somebody else, someone who may not have her best interests at heart, will be making decisions for her.   Your son is half a world away, it'd be difficult for him to step in and take over in the event of your deaths.

Do it now while you guys still have a say in the matter.

[zibazinski]

Aug 6, 2015 21:15:16 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I will be ok if she ends up in a good place and is happy. If she doesn't I will lobby for her to be moved, I

know some have had to do this, not all settings are the right ones.

If she can get the services on the waiver she will get a lot of help with behavior and all kinds of things. There are a lot of help available.

I talked to a lady on our Williams forum that is a grant writer for Indiana and she says I will be pleasantly surprised with what Indiana has to offer, guess we will find out.

She is not going to be happy. Not for a long time and maybe not ever. It's CHANGE and no one is going to make her the center of their universe or dance to her tune. But she WILL adjust and it will get better for her. Don't fall apart just because she's gets unhappy. It HAS to be and even she probably knows it down deep. 

[muttleynfelix]

Hugs Pat. I hope you get some help and peace through out the process.

[NastyWoman]

[seriousthistime]

You may be right that she will be unhappy because no one will dance to her tune.  But you may also find that when she is surrounded by others in similar situations who don't fall apart, and who enjoy the freedoms she will enjoy, that it will work out. My friend found that when his siblings were moved into group homes, they enjoyed freedoms that were not allowed when they were at home.  So you may need to give yourself permission to let go and allow that.  My friend says that is scary sometimes because he never would allow them to do what they can do at the group homes, but a certain level of autonomy is owed to them.  It is controlled autonomy, and it may be uncomfortable for you, but it is not a reason to go rushing in and rescue them from it.  And if something devastating does happen, they at least lived life as they never could have, had he hovered over them until the end. 

[zibazinski]

I can't like that post enough!!

[busymom]

I think you're wise to have the placement done now. Because, "the system" sucks, when there is no parent to help with the process. At least now you have a say, and her placement will be better than if someone who knows nothing about her personally tries to find a home for her. 

[zibazinski]

It's amazing what they expect family to do. I need to make a few trips and it costs $500 for every 24 hours I'm gone. I told DH it's no wonder insurance sticks it to family to care for those who cannot care for themselves. I'm worth a fortune to him!!

[Blonde Granny]

And keep telling these places that you will self pay if they can accept her ASAP until the Medicade waiver kicks in.  We had to do that with my Mom when getting her into assisted living.  Funny they had a place for her within a few days.

[bobosensei]

Pat, could it be early menopause?

[Peace77]

What about hiring someone to take her out for a day?  

You could use a nursing registry so you don't have the hassle of advertising and interviewing candidates.

It could give you a mini-break.  It would give your daughter a distraction.

[zibazinski]

It costs at least 20 bucks an hour and they want to be in your home but you and your husband could escape for the day and go out and just be together without your DD. sometimes you've got to part with a few bucks to buy some peace. What are you saving it for? Caring for yourself means caring for her.

[Peace77]

It wouldn't gave to be an RN.  Nursing registries have several levels of care that they provide.

[zibazinski]

Yes

[Blonde Granny]

Sometimes angels and the fairies with extra dust to sprinkle make miracles happen when you least expect them!!!

[mmhmm]

@patstab, I'm so happy for you! I do so hope this works out. Your DD will do just fine once she settles in, I'm sure. It sounds like these folks understand her condition and will have the necessary staff and tools to deal with it effectively.

[taz157]

Aug 11, 2015 18:23:26 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

@patstab, I'm so happy for you! I do so hope this works out. Your DD will do just fine once she settles in, I'm sure. It sounds like these folks understand her condition and will have the necessary staff and tools to deal with it effectively.

I hope it does work out so both of you can see your grandson!

[mollyanna58]

Wonderful news!

[busymom]

Wow! This is SO cool! Now, if Medicaid kicks in, & you're happy with the care, this will be a total win-win!

[seriousthistime]

please, Please, PLEASE give it enough time to work if it doesn't work out just perfectly fine from the first moment.  Life is a series of adjustments for all of us, all the time.  Recognize that this is what is needed for all of you.  

Best wishes and hopes and good vibes, and the very best ... everything ... in my power to send your way!