DD & MIL's Issues

[bobosensei]

Aug 16, 2015 16:56:16 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Aug 16, 2015 15:50:58 GMT -5 @patstab said:

My husband can't get over the fact it will all be paid. I always knew it would if the state ever approved her.  I told him that, tells you how much he listens. 

My MIL called yesterday at 8:30, she knew we were going to town, I ask her but she seldom goes, but she asked if she could come, no

problem.  So I said come by 10 that's when we are leaving.  10 comes, I called her, she said why am I supposed to come over, she

hadn't even remembered.  So we went, went to Maceys and out to lunch at Fridays, then to Toys R Us, also Best Buy to pick up my computer then back to get the motorhome and take it back to the house, so a busy day. I think MIL enjoyed herself and didn't do

all that repeating she does. DD behaved nicely too, no fits just sweet. I got home and we were having a good afternoon.  I dosed off

in the recliner and she came in screaming, scared the crap out of me, how I refused to take her to the state fair??  I had been over it

a dozen times how we would go Tuesday.  Somehow she made it all up in her mind we weren't going. 

Before that I had been feeling guilty of here I was making her leave, but even MIL said don't change it, she will go right back to doing it again.  I'm not going to but yes, I do feel bad at times.

Tomorrow is our visit day to the 2 homes, she is going to be mad over that.

This computer has a problem, I'm typing and the letters will jump back into another sentence, that's weird.

Cutting SSI is going to screw up state budgets, probably a good thing we are getting her in.  I bet when they need to add many more clients this kills them, they will have to make up the shortfall I imagine.  It sure is going to hurt the most vulnerable of people, that's why they will cut them, they aren't strong enough to fight back.

Pat is your computer a desktop/laptop or a tablet/IPad? I have no problem with these boards when I use my desktop computer. But I have a problem using my tablet and have the same problem as you, especially if I quoted a poster and was replying to the quote. The curser would fly up into the quoted material without me knowing and I would be typing my message within the quoted material. If I noticed it before hitting the 'Create Post', I would have to cancel the post and start all over again. The letter 'I' or 'i' was usually the trigger to send the curser flying.

If you are using at least a tablet of IPad, try using the Visual instead of BBCode when typing your messages. BBCcode will send my curser flying into previous typed areas while Visual will not. This was recommended to me by one of Proboard's techies when I reported the problem of the flying curser.

While Visual has its own set of problems while using my tablet, it is easier and better than the mess BBCode creates.

I have this issue too, not just with this board.  And it happens with the laptop and the iPad.  Annoying for sure.  I will try the BBCode tip, thanks!

[bobosensei]

Pat, I am so hopeful that this will work out for you all.  You've done more than most would, and you've said it before that you won't be around forever so you need to get her settled now.  If your health or your DHs starts to go down hill you simply won't be able to cope.  I can understand your DHs disbelief in getting everything paid for.  The poor guy probably wasn't ignoring what you said, but just not allowing himself to believe it because it is easier to stay in the mindset of having to keep working than letting yourself get your hopes up that he could retire and then not be able to.

[plugginaway22]

The other biggest reason to get this done is God Forbid something happens to you or your DH, some serious illness or even death, and then there would be no time for checking places out, it would be whatever was available. Not sure she is able to understand that though, that you are trying to find the very best situation for her NOW, when you are healthy. Best of luck to you all in this journey.

[Opti]

How did the visits go?

[taz157]

Aug 17, 2015 18:11:23 GMT -5 Opti said:

How did the visits go?

Yeah that. ((((Hugs)))) for what you are going through Pat.

[Blonde Granny]

From what you have said Pat, it sounds like the second one might be ideal.  Whatever you decide will be best for everyone. Trust yourself to make the right decision and I believe things will go well, not only for you and your DH, but also your DD.

[busymom]

Just ignore any criticism. Anyone who has a child with a disability learns in a hurry that the government doesn't pay for lots of things. And you're right: you could pay for everything, go broke, & then the government will be paying for all 3 of you, so this is a classic no-win situation. Best to put that critic on "ignore".

I agree that the 2nd place sounds really good. And, maybe having a cat around will help calm your DD. (Would she be allowed to have a cat of her own when living there? Just wondering...) I agree with Blonde Granny.  Trust your gut, & once the adjustment period is done I'm sure your DD will do o.k. 

[Opti]

Thanks for the update. After seeing these two do you plan to visit more or perhaps place DD in the second one? Glad to hear she bonded with the cat.

[Opti]

I'm sorry Pat. Perhaps she's acting up because she fears the unknown. I have a feeling weeks into being placed she will be happier than she is now because she will have multiple people to be social with. Hang in there, its often the worst when it is close to the finish line.

[busymom]

I'm wondering if she found the pills at your MIL's place. We know from your previous posts that she's a smart young lady. You may have to check her luggage when she's packed for her visit this weekend to make sure she's not sneaking anything in.

[Tennesseer]

@patstab - I don't believe in an afterlife, but if there is one, there will be a special (good) place for parents like you with extraordinary challenges.

[Value Buy]

Aug 18, 2015 8:00:40 GMT -5 @patstab said:

DD met one older man and she was trying to help him get his walker and help him up, I know she likes older people and will help but after the other outburst I was surprised.

But the clincher for this is someone had moved out and she can have her own bedroom alone. It is right across from one of the bathrooms so very handy. The room with its own bath has the lady that is bed bound so she didn't want that. I forgot to ask if she will have to share the bedroom later I hope not. The other client went with her sister after leaving the hospital. They have cable but if she has internet that we will have to pay for, no issue there.

This house had 5 bedrooms, big living room, large kitchen and an office for records and meds. Was nicer inside then the other. That is understandable, not having wheelchairs beat up the walls all the time.

I'm going to try and get in to the doctor and up her night time dose of med so she will sleep all night, now she wakes up at 2 or 3 and I think is up for hours. Also she can't have prn meds, we have to go with a schedule and she is going to have to have something to calm her down.

The director and I were talking about private placement I told her that had been our goal but we came to realize unless we were multi millionaires we just couldn't do it. We had hoped to keep her till one of us or both died and then place her but it was getting to be more then I can do. That if she lived say 20 more years and that's very possible it would run from $1.2 million to $2 million. She said not only that the homes are few and far between and have long waiting lists. She said private pay for one of the medicaid homes would run you $100 to $200 a day and private is much more. I said at that rate we would run out of money in 8 years or less and then she would be in a Medicaid home anyway. Like she and I talked we can't pay for keeping us in our old age and DD too. She said hardly anyone can. I told her what we intend to do is set up a trust and have money for extras like clothing, computer, internet service, dental if we need to, outings, shoes and any incidentals for the rest of her life.

There was a lady from one of the boards that made a disparaging remark about this on my private facebook. I didn't appreciate it as she has no idea what we have gone through and agonized over in this regard. I made a statement about the fact that they are cutting 20% off SSI and she made a comeback of they are trying to get means testing for millionaires, I know what she was insinuating, that's why you never let some people know your real name. Ok, so we are bankrupted in short order then the government has to help all 3 of us in our old age, what purpose does that serve. Some folks shouldn't be so critical until they have walked in your shoes for awhile. And if I have to keep this up I'm going to be in a home and DD too at a later date because mentally I can't keep this up.  And if they means test and we have to take her back we will but I'm not sure how long I can take it.  Looks like no matter what we will die penniless most likely with care for us and her.  My husband has and is working to make us as financially independent as we can for the rest of our lives, that's just all I can say about that, for some things like this its just never enough. Or we could go the route of most and live up every dime and then go on the government dole, does this make us better or worse?  You know, I don't know and don't care as I have enough drama in my life right now.

I am confused. If DD is middle aged, why would you and your husband have to be means tested income wise. She is already on disability.
Wouldn't she be means tested, and not you and your husband?
If you must legally separate yourself from her, so be it.
Like you say, you can turn around and put money in the account for her.
I know that sounds harsh and hard to do, but she is an adult, and your finances are separate from hers.
I understand if she were a minor you would be means tested, but as an adult, I did not think you would be in the picture on means testing.

[Blonde Granny]

Make an adventure out of it. Check to see if she can bring in fresh baked cookies to everyone, and if so, have her help you make the cookies and package them up. Let them know she is bringing them, maybe they could have a cookies and milk party for the weekend guest, and she can serve the cookies.  If there is a cat, take her to buy some Temptations treats for it. Let her choose which one she wants to take.

Be sure to let her choose, if she is able to, which clothes etc. she wants to take. Can you get her some new jammies & a robe and slippers for this special occasion? Again, let her choose (within reason) the night time clothes. Help her choose some new toiletries, toothpaste, a new colorful toothbrush, maybe a special brush for her hair. How about a new stuffed animal to snuggle with at night. Check about nightlights too.....do they provide them for the room, is it safe for her to have one? don't forget a new colorful bag to pack in, along with a cute toiletry bag. 

If you need some Xanax to get through this, get some from your Dr.  You crack one time, show one minute of hesitation, fear, nervousness, or tears and you're done.

No pressure from me, but you've one chance to pull this off without her (or you) having a major meltdown. 

{{{Pat}}}

You've got many many people in your corner!!!!

[resolution]

I am glad that you blocked that woman on facebook. I can't for the life of me understand why people feel qualified to criticize others in situations that they can't even imagine. You are doing an amazing job with your daughter and placing her now is an investment in her future for when you are no longer here to care for her.

[Opti]

I love BG's idea, bringing food for the residents and the cat. I hope DD would like it too.

[Value Buy]

Aug 18, 2015 12:01:46 GMT -5 Opti said:

I love BG's idea, bringing food for the residents and the cat. I hope DD would like it too.

She has to be careful. Good chance some residents will have food allergies.

[Blonde Granny]

That why I suggest to Pat: Check to see if she can bring in fresh baked cookies to everyone, and if so, have her help you make the cookies and package them up. Let them know she is bringing them

[Ombud]

Aug 18, 2015 14:09:23 GMT -5 Value Buy said:

Aug 18, 2015 12:01:46 GMT -5 Opti said:

I love BG's idea, bringing food for the residents and the cat. I hope DD would like it too.

She has to be careful. Good chance some residents will have food allergies.

Gluten / nut free and give them to staff with the notation that they have eggs. Should cover most allergies

[mmhmm]

Aug 18, 2015 9:14:54 GMT -5 @patstab said:

I like the second, she is going for an overnight visit, from Friday at 4PM till Sunday if she can do it. If they have issues she will have to come home early they are trying to ease her in.

I have an appointment with her doctor in the morning to adjust her meds. I think she needs a stronger dose at night, she does to, to keep her asleep so she is not up half the night. Also I have to have her other med changed to every so many hours instead of prn or they cannot administer it. We did not want to do that but not much choice
perhaps he has another med.

And here is what I think is causing her a problem AGAIN! I said she was acting like she was on pills again, I have looked in her room and in her bag but found nothing. Well she was getting out of the car and dropped a pouch she had and it was full of ibuprophen, must have been 20 to 30. I was furious tried to find out where she got them. She finally said the locked cabinet which says I had a lapse and she got my keys or did she steal them?? I don't know. Why would she take that stuff when it makes her crazy. I was so upset. DH said I told you get a combination lock, well I had a case like that and it quit working and he had to pry it open and bust ito her and I couldn't get to her meds. But I guess that's what I have to do again. I can't keep them away from her. Very discouraging.

I told him every time I feel bad about something she does something like this.
Like he said you have to do it, I know I do, but its still hard and I am agonizing over this. But don't worry I'm not going to weaken and keep her home, I love her to pieces but hubby and I both think she will be happier being active instead of sitting in her room talking to herself and dolls. We are off to try and get her a haircut today so that will be done.

She will be happier in the long run, Pat. Yes, she'll act out at first. That's to be expected. However, I do really like that the second place allowed the cat. When there's a pet around, it really helps. It gives the insecure person a place to go for unconditional affection. Cat fur is great for absorbing tears.

[zibazinski]

You can always do what my family did for my grandpa. Nursing homes charge up the wazoo and pay their employees nothing. My aunts always made sure to tip and tip generously. Often. My grandpa didn't have any of the issues that other residents had.

[zibazinski]

Also brought in pizzas for staff. Costco cakes too. Food is a great bribe!!

[Works4me]

Maybe when you visit, instead of taking her back home, take her out somewhere? Hair dresser, restaurant, shopping, etc. also, maybe you could have your day together - like a regular Saturday date or whatever.

I am am so sorry that someone us choosing to be bitchy and criticize the way you have handled DD and your finances. It really is none if their business and I bet that most sane, well-adjusted people would make similar choices in your situation.

Hopefully, DD will come to see this move as allowing her more freedom and independence from you as her mother. If you are less involved in her ADL's and other care needs, maybe your relationship can blossom and bloom into one where the two of you are able to enjoy some time normal time together without the fits. 

You our have done a remarkable job so far and now it is time for her to move out of your home and into her own place. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you - all I can do is let you know that I care about you and your daughter, as do so many others out here in cyber space.

[zibazinski]

Get some sleep. 

[zibazinski]

Tell MIL to not bother you, period, that this weekend is yours, all yours.

[Works4me]

Still SMH about someone criticizing you in a private message on FB. I volunteer to slap them into next week! There is just no excuse for that type if behavior.

ETA - sending hugs of support and chocolate dipped strawberries of love!

[swamp]

Aug 18, 2015 19:47:21 GMT -5 @patstab said:

It was in a subtle general way but I got the message. It's not a problem, I just blocked them and it
won't happen again. I'm not sure if they are even on this board anymore. I was just scared to death they might say how much our savings are and that would be awful. It would cause us big problems in this rural area with a small community. And would cause me a lot of problems with my husband, big time problems. I should have never talked about our finances on these boards. So just stupid me.

I have been teasing DD about not having to much fun this weekend, she wanted to know why so I just kept teasing her this afternoon she has been doing better. She has no problem going to the doc in the morning for meds to help her. She does tell me her whole body hurts like mine so maybe arthritus too.

Tell the nose bag to go fuck themselves. 

[swamp]

Aug 18, 2015 21:19:15 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Aug 18, 2015 21:17:04 GMT -5 swamp said:

Tell the nose bag to go fuck themselves. 

Or better yet tell us who it was...we'll pass on the msg for you. 

[CCL]

Aug 18, 2015 21:17:04 GMT -5 swamp said:

Aug 18, 2015 19:47:21 GMT -5 @patstab said:

It was in a subtle general way but I got the message. It's not a problem, I just blocked them and it
won't happen again. I'm not sure if they are even on this board anymore. I was just scared to death they might say how much our savings are and that would be awful. It would cause us big problems in this rural area with a small community. And would cause me a lot of problems with my husband, big time problems. I should have never talked about our finances on these boards. So just stupid me.

I have been teasing DD about not having to much fun this weekend, she wanted to know why so I just kept teasing her this afternoon she has been doing better. She has no problem going to the doc in the morning for meds to help her. She does tell me her whole body hurts like mine so maybe arthritus too.

Tell the nose bag to go fuck themselves. 

  LOL!  

[NastyWoman]

Aug 18, 2015 18:56:33 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Still SMH about someone criticizing you in a private message on FB. I volunteer to slap them into next week! There is just no excuse for that type if behavior.

ETA - sending hugs of support and chocolate dipped strawberries of love!

Let's make that a ping pong game. You slap that person across the puddle and I'll slap him/her back.

it escapes me how anyone can do anything but admire Pat and her DH for all they have done for their DD 

[busymom]

You're right. That $50 a month doesn't buy much of anything. I hit the thrift shops for my relative, because obviously that little allowance they give you every month doesn't keep up with wear and tear, & clothes lost by the laundry dept.  (Write their name into EVERY piece of clothing.)

Oh, & regarding cleaning. I was back at my Mom's nursing home a couple of days after my Mom passed, to drop off a nice bouquet of flowers to her roommate. They did a VERY good job of cleaning out Mom's side of the room. (I'd cleaning out all of Mom's stuff the same day she died, after the funeral home "picked her up".) It was completely dusted & wiped down, the floor was shiny, & the room looked ready for whoever would be moving there next.