moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 14:53:03 GMT -5
I am curious on everyone's thoughts. There's myself, DH, my two step kids (both around 20), and our DD together (kinder). We are doing our trust and will.. yes... still. DH is zero help. If it was up to him, we wouldn't have one. He freaks out at the discussion and I think it's mainly because of the discomfort with the situation with his two kids. They both are not talking to him at all. Gifting them money seems to always result in something negative (tons spent at hookah lounges, drinking, etc). Since they are not talking with him he has stopped giving them money.. but they also stopped asking now. He's had years of struggles with them and I blame a bad divorce on it (step kids mom lives a very different lifestyle and very different parenting).
So with that said, we HAVE to finalize our trust. If the lawyer asks him what he wants to gift to his two kids, he will say "we have to think about it". He's said "we have to think about it" for years. Okay maybe a decade. We HAVE to get this done. So I really have zero help from him other than he'll show up and he'll sign everything. This is totally unfair and stresses me out beyond belief. When I argued with him over it, it is only the issue of what the step kids get that is bothering him. At one point I pushed and pushed on what would be desirable and he got so angry and yelled "nothing...don't give them anything".. but I really hope he didn't mean that. I don't think he did. I think he's just so angry that he doesn't have a relationship with them and when he tries, he always fails.
So I have to do this. And IMO I have to include them. I want to of course and couldn't think of it any other way. So here's what i'm thinking.. and I'm curious as to thoughts. I am totally open to changing my plans and likely will. I realize I am not an unbiased person to do this so I need you guys! I am thinking we should set it up so that SS and SD both get 25% of DH's 401k (it is likely to be significant) .. my thinking is that DD and I would each get the other 25%. And I want this so that they get their portions even while I'm living. I don't want there to be a situation where they are waiting for me to die to get their cut. DD is young and I am a SAHM and will have troubles if anything happens to DH however his life insurance should be enough for us to survive along with me obtaining full time employment. So we would not put the Skids on the life insurance. We'd only have DD on it until she is 18, then we will reassess. Skids would also get both our cars if we die.
This is not an even distribution to the kids I fully realize, but I don't know what else to do. I need to be able to support DD and if I'm not living she will need more $$ to be supported by someone else. So until she's 18, i don't see how we could make everything fair amongst the three kids. And then there's the fact that the step kids have nothing to do with either of us now. We love them to death but there really is no relationship now. It's so awkward.
Does anyone have input on the trust? Neither Skid is going to school right now so a college fund would likely turn into a mess for them.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 5, 2014 15:01:59 GMT -5
Why do you feel you have to include the StepKids? Why are you worried about even distributions? We can't expect to treat our kids equally. We can, however treat them fairly.
Your husband has other choices...there's quite a few non-profits to choose from. The only reason we get help from ILs is because we are careful with money. If we had different fiscal values, we wouldn't get help. I would also assume that to be the case when they pass away. They have plenty of organizations they already are contributing to, and would do so over having us drink away an inheritance. I don't find this particularly shocking..just a natural consequence sort of thing..
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 5, 2014 15:04:16 GMT -5
What is the trust made up of?
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:06:43 GMT -5
Why do you feel you have to include the StepKids? Why are you worried about even distributions? We can't expect to treat our kids equally. We can, however treat them fairly. Your husband has other choices...there's quite a few non-profits to choose from. The only reason we get help from ILs is because we are careful with money. If we had different fiscal values, we wouldn't get help. I would also assume that to be the case when they pass away. They have plenty of organizations they already are contributing to, and would do so over having us drink away an inheritance. I don't find this particularly shocking..just a natural consequence sort of thing.. I could never live with myself if we did not include them. I practically raised them (with DH) from when they were 4 - 12. And they are his children. I love the idea of charitable giving but I will be honest in that I would prefer to keep the vast majority of our estate within the family. DH and I are planning on giving to charities while we are alive. And I will be giving a portion of my estate to charity. |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:07:45 GMT -5
What is the trust made up of? It's been so long since we did our initial meeting .. I don't even know. It was a lot of things.. like durable power of attorney, final wishes, etc. |
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 5, 2014 15:09:13 GMT -5
What is the trust made up of? It's been so long since we did our initial meeting .. I don't even know. It was a lot of things.. like durable power of attorney, final wishes, etc. but it is not a financial trust? |
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:10:35 GMT -5
Why do you have a Trust? Is it a Family Trust, and if so what is its purpose? To avoid Probate? If so, narrow down your focus. Your approach with DH should be: "this Trust is for us (you and I) to protect each other in the case of sudden death." You should name each other as Successor Trustee. For now at least, try to leave the kids out of it. If one of you dies, EVERYTHING goes to the surviving spouse.
If you cannot agree on Successor Trustee(s) and or Successor Beneficiary(ies) after each of you, then put in a stipulation that the Successor Trustee (either you or DH, depending on who passes first) will name beneficiaries in the future as each sees fit.
If you can't agree right now, you only need to be concerned about Minor Children at this point, because you have a moral/ethical (and legal) requirement to care for them until they turn 18. And the surviving parent can see to that if the Family Trust is left to the surviving spouse. |
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Nov 5, 2014 15:10:51 GMT -5
Your idea seems fair to me. I agree with you that Skids should not be cut out. The very last communication they ever receive from their dad should not be a hurtful one.
Don't forget that if dh were to die before dd is 18, you and she will be eligible for some SS benefits. If the life insurance plus SS benefits are still inadequate, up the life insurance.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Nov 5, 2014 15:27:31 GMT -5
How about a term life insurance on DH with the SKids as benificiaries. Then if DH feels like he really doesn't want ot leave anything to them, he can just stop paying th insurance premiums. Just an idea...
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:35:10 GMT -5
It's been so long since we did our initial meeting .. I don't even know. It was a lot of things.. like durable power of attorney, final wishes, etc. but it is not a financial trust? yes. A family trust. |
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 5, 2014 15:36:25 GMT -5
but it is not a financial trust? yes. A family trust. So are all of the assets going into the trust and then being dispersed? |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:37:09 GMT -5
Why do you have a Trust? Is it a Family Trust, and if so what is its purpose? To avoid Probate? If so, narrow down your focus. Your approach with DH should be: "this Trust is for us (you and I) to protect each other in the case of sudden death." You should name each other as Successor Trustee. For now at least, try to leave the kids out of it. If one of you dies, EVERYTHING goes to the surviving spouse.
If you cannot agree on Successor Trustee(s) and or Successor Beneficiary(ies) after each of you, then put in a stipulation that the Successor Trustee (either you or DH, depending on who passes first) will name beneficiaries in the future as each sees fit.
If you can't agree right now, you only need to be concerned about Minor Children at this point, because you have a moral/ethical (and legal) requirement to care for them until they turn 18. And the surviving parent can see to that if the Family Trust is left to the surviving spouse. yes. To avoid probate. The thing is, I want his kids to get a cut when he passes (if he passes first). I don't want them to be waiting on my death to get something. |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:37:21 GMT -5
So are all of the assets going into the trust and then being dispersed? yes. |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:39:35 GMT -5
How about a term life insurance on DH with the SKids as benificiaries. Then if DH feels like he really doesn't want ot leave anything to them, he can just stop paying th insurance premiums. Just an idea... we don't want to pay for any more insurances. He has a $1mil policy already. I figure a portion of his 401k is best, because that will be a percentage of whatever is in the account at the time. That would really help me as the more money he has, the more they will get.. and if he has a low amount, it will lower their inheritance. But I'd still have the life insurance to help me survive and raise DD. |
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 5, 2014 15:43:29 GMT -5
So are all of the assets going into the trust and then being dispersed? yes. one more question. : ) So the beneficiary on your husband's 401k plan is the trust, correct? |
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:44:24 GMT -5
Why do you have a Trust? Is it a Family Trust, and if so what is its purpose? To avoid Probate? If so, narrow down your focus. Your approach with DH should be: "this Trust is for us (you and I) to protect each other in the case of sudden death." You should name each other as Successor Trustee. For now at least, try to leave the kids out of it. If one of you dies, EVERYTHING goes to the surviving spouse.
If you cannot agree on Successor Trustee(s) and or Successor Beneficiary(ies) after each of you, then put in a stipulation that the Successor Trustee (either you or DH, depending on who passes first) will name beneficiaries in the future as each sees fit.
If you can't agree right now, you only need to be concerned about Minor Children at this point, because you have a moral/ethical (and legal) requirement to care for them until they turn 18. And the surviving parent can see to that if the Family Trust is left to the surviving spouse. yes. To avoid probate. The thing is, I want his kids to get a cut when he passes (if he passes first). I don't want them to be waiting on my death to get something. Well now, they really don't have a say in the matter! CA is a community property state . . . the surviving spouse gets everything UNLESS other (legal) arrangements are made in writing. Sorry, but it's VERY presumptuous of them to think they can get their greedy little hands on someone else's community property. Just sayin' . . .
Tell them to get in line. They have NO say in what happens to your and DH's money. Make your arrangements as best you can today. If that means narrowing your focus to the surviving spouse to get it done, then so be it. He needs to do this to protect YOU. You are the one who needs to carry on if and when he passes. Everyone else can go take a flying leap.
Stay strong sister! If you need to break the impasse by focusing on each other's welfare (like you promised in your wedding vows), then do it. A LOT can change over the years . . . and it will. Focus on today and worry about the future when the time comes.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:45:41 GMT -5
one more question. : ) So the beneficiary on your husband's 401k plan is the trust, correct? not yet. We haven't got there yet. Right now he has it as 25% to me, DD, SS, SD. EDIT: I set it up that way. He wouldn't even do that. |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:47:35 GMT -5
yes. To avoid probate. The thing is, I want his kids to get a cut when he passes (if he passes first). I don't want them to be waiting on my death to get something. Well now, they really don't have a say in the matter! CA is a community property state . . . the surviving spouse gets everything UNLESS other (legal) arrangements are made in writing. Sorry, but it's VERY presumptuous of them to think they can get their greedy little hands on someone else's community property. Just sayin' . . .
Tell them to get in line. They have NO say in what happens to your and DH's money. Make your arrangements as best you can today. If that means narrowing your focus to the surviving spouse to get it done, then so be it. He needs to do this to protect YOU. You are the one who needs to carry on if and when he passes. Everyone else can go take a flying leap.
Stay strong sister! If you need to break the impasse by focusing on each other's welfare (like you promised in your wedding vows), then do it. A LOT can change over the years . . . and it will. Focus on today and worry about the future when the time comes.
I worded that poorly!! The kids never said anything about their inheritance. Basically I want them to get something from DH and I want it to be when DH passes... not later. |
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:48:08 GMT -5
one more question. : ) So the beneficiary on your husband's 401k plan is the trust, correct? not yet. We haven't got there yet. Right now he has it as 25% to me, DD, SS, SD. EDIT: I set it up that way. He wouldn't even do that. EVERYTHING should be coming to The Trust. The surviving spouse should be the successor trustee AND beneficiary. That's as far as you need to get RIGHT NOW. Especially to break an impasse. You can make other decisions later as needed.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 5, 2014 15:48:24 GMT -5
one more question. : ) So the beneficiary on your husband's 401k plan is the trust, correct? Why would you want to do that? |
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:49:26 GMT -5
Well now, they really don't have a say in the matter! CA is a community property state . . . the surviving spouse gets everything UNLESS other (legal) arrangements are made in writing. Sorry, but it's VERY presumptuous of them to think they can get their greedy little hands on someone else's community property. Just sayin' . . .
Tell them to get in line. They have NO say in what happens to your and DH's money. Make your arrangements as best you can today. If that means narrowing your focus to the surviving spouse to get it done, then so be it. He needs to do this to protect YOU. You are the one who needs to carry on if and when he passes. Everyone else can go take a flying leap.
Stay strong sister! If you need to break the impasse by focusing on each other's welfare (like you promised in your wedding vows), then do it. A LOT can change over the years . . . and it will. Focus on today and worry about the future when the time comes.
I worded that poorly!! The kids never said anything about their inheritance. Basically I want them to get something from DH and I want it to be when DH passes... not later. Then as the Successor Trustee, you will have the power (when the time comes) to decide if and what anyone should get. You DON"T have to put it in writing right now. |
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Nov 5, 2014 15:51:26 GMT -5
Ok thanks. I need to just get to the next meeting with the lawyer ASAP. Thanks  |
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:52:58 GMT -5
one more question. : ) So the beneficiary on your husband's 401k plan is the trust, correct? Why would you want to do that? Because CA is a community property state, and she is entitled (as successor trustee and beneficiary) to the whole of it. |
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Nov 5, 2014 15:53:42 GMT -5
My understanding is that you never want the benificiary of your 401K to be the trust or estate.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Nov 5, 2014 15:56:29 GMT -5
My understanding is that you never want the benificiary of your 401K to be the trust or estate. Why not? If our financial life is set-up through a Trust, why have a major asset outside of it? |
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 5, 2014 15:57:51 GMT -5
My understanding is that you never want the benificiary of your 401K to be the trust or estate. but she wants everything going through the trust. It is not the best because the RMDs are not as favorable when a 401k goes through a trust, but there are other reasons to have it go through a trust. |
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 5, 2014 16:01:56 GMT -5
If she wants 25% of the 401k going to her, why doesn't she do that directly? 25% to MM 75% to trust.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Nov 5, 2014 16:03:36 GMT -5
My understanding is that you never want the benificiary of your 401K to be the trust or estate. Why not? If our financial life is set-up through a Trust, why have a major asset outside of it? It has to do with the way it will be taxed. It's been awhile since it was explained to me though. For example she could roll it over into a spousal IRA and not take any distributions until she is of retirement age. And I believe the 401K passes outside of probate anyway. |
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 5, 2014 16:14:05 GMT -5
My understanding is that you never want the benificiary of your 401K to be the trust or estate. You want it that way is some limited circumstances. But not very often. |
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 5, 2014 16:15:16 GMT -5
How old are the kids involved? I have 2 older stepkids and one young child with H.
He set fixed amounts to be given to his children out of his life insurance.
All his retirement and other assets will go to me (and consequently to DD). At least at this point in our lives.
We will readdress when DD is older (aka an adult and doesn't need rearing, college funds, day care, diapers, etc).
There is no good answer. Someone will get screwed. I'm sorry you're stuck with it.
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