Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 7, 2014 11:22:01 GMT -5
I keep seeing the title to this thread and asking myself, is it really that difficult? It's a difficult relationship for sure, but otherwise not too complicated when you get down to it. I think that OPs regret over how things transpired with the Skids is clouding the issue for her. I agree token (maybe 5-10%) amount for now, and the rest later when both have passed on and hopefully everyone has matured. That would be fine for a happy, in tact family, and nothing will probably be good enough for the current dysfunctional situation.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 7, 2014 11:46:18 GMT -5
I have a DN who is a drug addict. His GF and expectant babymomma is also an addict. She inherited about $125,000 from her Dad about a year ago. It is all gone. $$ used for partying and stupid crap.
If the step kids are not real responsible now, I would not be handing them a pile of cash. This girl's Dad knew her history, why he did not leave her an annuity idk.
I agree with the suggestions that this is your $$ and you should be left the bulk of the $$ with a token amount to the steps. My Dad passed away in Janurary, honestly I am worried that my Mom is not too lonely, that the manitenance on the house is up to date and that she has enough $$ that she call live comfortably for the rest of her life. Those steps should not only be concerned about what they get financially if their Dad passes, they should worry about taking care of their step Mom and step sister without regard to what they will get for doing so.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 7, 2014 12:00:03 GMT -5
No its not that difficult....its just the continuation of the hand wringing and dramatics of the family saga.
Of course the spouse should inherit the majority of the property, as they have the remainder of their life to live after a death especially at a young age.
DH and I inherit from each other, and if we both go at the same time, the boys inherit the bulk of the money at 35 which is still 10 years from now for the oldest. If that isnt fast enough for them, tough.
The stepkids in this situation sound like brats but then again, the father isnt particularly impressive either....and as much as the OP wants to claim its all about the money for the steps and ex....WTH are all her posts about? Controlling the stepkids with cash.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2014 15:32:26 GMT -5
"My comments were directed more to the people who felt like the step kids were behaving badly and should be completely written out of the will, never to inherit a thin dime from their dad. "
Since you had quoted me... I didnt say they should be written out for being bad. I said MM should do what their father wants. People here are always so quick to tell s-parents to butt out and let the bioparent handle situations, except when it is money. Then it all changes. If she shouldn't get involved in their relationship (as suggested by many here) then she shouldnt get involved in the inheritance as long as she and her child is taken care of. That was my point.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Nov 7, 2014 16:38:41 GMT -5
"My comments were directed more to the people who felt like the step kids were behaving badly and should be completely written out of the will, never to inherit a thin dime from their dad. " Since you had quoted me... I didnt say they should be written out for being bad. I said MM should do what their father wants. People here are always so quick to tell s-parents to butt out and let the bioparent handle situations, except when it is money. Then it all changes. If she shouldn't get involved in their relationship (as suggested by many here) then she shouldnt get involved in the inheritance as long as she and her child is taken care of. That was my point. Wasn't intending to quote you directly - there are plenty of people on here who think the step kids are behaving like brats and should be cut out of the family and the will. Normally I agree with you 100% that step parents should leave the parenting to the bio parents, but in this case, with dad not wanting to include his oldest kids in the estate planning at all, I think it's very nice step mom is trying to be fair with her step kids, even if dad is too angry and/or obstinant to want to be fair himself. This situation is so dysfunctional, and mom seems to be the only voice of reason, so I think if she thinks she can have any kind of positive influence on her DH, she should give it a shot - but she shouldn't approach his kids directly, and absolutely shouldn't talk to ex-wife (who is frankly a troublemaker).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 7, 2014 17:30:51 GMT -5
For sure, but I think she needs to concentrate on getting herself and her minor child taken care of via the will and trust. No way would I expose my child to the shenanigans of the two step kids anyway. OP won't be able to do anything right just like bio dad is unable to so she may as well do the best she can for right now. Even if she gives them money after her husband dies, it won't be enough and it won't make them happy. They aren't happy people, which is sad. My ex is like that, no matter what good comes his way, it isn't enough and he always deserves more.
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on Nov 8, 2014 20:57:44 GMT -5
I think emotions are making this unnecessary complicated. The trust should go 100 percent to the surviving spouse for care of minor child and then on death of surviving spouse 50% to dd as she is the child of both contributing parents and 25 % to each step. The 401k should be totally separate and be divided as you have already designated don't change the 401k at all.
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morrisr2d2
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Post by morrisr2d2 on Nov 9, 2014 6:47:45 GMT -5
The million dollar term policy is through work? That I would very uncomfortable with, I'd also want my own policy outside work. And term is dirt cheap. I would go get another policy of a million or so, and have the step kids be beneficiaries of 50k or 100k each and the rest to you. And all other assets go to you. If husband goes first then you can decide after that how your assets would be dispersed when you meet the maker.
Trickier situation seems to be what happens if you die together in an accident? Who takes care of youngest? How to split estate among children then? Of course most should go to support youngest I would think.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 9, 2014 8:10:28 GMT -5
I have a DN who is a drug addict. His GF and expectant babymomma is also an addict. She inherited about $125,000 from her Dad about a year ago. It is all gone. $$ used for partying and stupid crap. If the step kids are not real responsible now, I would not be handing them a pile of cash. This girl's Dad knew her history, why he did not leave her an annuity idk. I agree with the suggestions that this is your $$ and you should be left the bulk of the $$ with a token amount to the steps. My Dad passed away in Janurary, honestly I am worried that my Mom is not too lonely, that the manitenance on the house is up to date and that she has enough $$ that she call live comfortably for the rest of her life. Those steps should not only be concerned about what they get financially if their Dad passes, they should worry about taking care of their step Mom and step sister without regard to what they will get for doing so. He probably didn't for the same reason a friend of mine's dad didn't.he didn't want the other two siblings to be hassled for money. He left his money equally to all three kids. The one has blown through hers, the brothers knew she would and then come asking them for money. By the dad giving them equal shares, he prevented this. The boys were able to say we all got our share, too bad so sad. My friend was smart enough to invest his so was able to say he didn't have it any more to even "loan" her any. The other one was more blunt.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 9, 2014 8:13:10 GMT -5
OP, hopefully neither of you will be croaking any time soon. It should all go to you and when you no longer need it to support yourself and minor child, you divvy it up as you see fit. Perhaps the stepkids will have gotten their heads out of their asses by then, perhaps not. But as another poster said, you need to make arrangements for your minor child in case something happens to both of you and all that money needs to go to her support until a certain age and then if there's anything left, divided up.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 9, 2014 13:13:33 GMT -5
My dad is only leaving his oldest daughter from a too young marriage $1. He has not seen or talked to her for probably 30 years. He gets a Christmas card signed love and her name. No pictures of her children and grandchildren. Her mother took her to California when she was 2 back in the late 40's, so he's never been a part of her life, and I'm sure she doesn't feel a part of his. However, when I visited her she said she expected 1/3 of his estate. So he went to the attorney to leave her $1. Attorney said she can't contest it. When he made that change, he was of sound mind. Any changes he would make now, I would say could be contested.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Nov 9, 2014 14:01:02 GMT -5
My dad is only leaving his oldest daughter from a too young marriage $1. He has not seen or talked to her for probably 30 years. He gets a Christmas card signed love and her name. No pictures of her children and grandchildren. Her mother took her to California when she was 2 back in the late 40's, so he's never been a part of her life, and I'm sure she doesn't feel a part of his. However, when I visited her she said she expected 1/3 of his estate. So he went to the attorney to leave her $1. Attorney said she can't contest it. When he made that change, he was of sound mind. Any changes he would make now, I would say could be contested. Aw, that seems kind of sad to me. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and what can a little kid do about it? Obviously, I have no idea how things transpired since, but it still seems sad to me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2014 14:08:27 GMT -5
Yeah, I can see not treating all siblings equal in that case, but 1$ feels like a slap...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 9, 2014 16:40:57 GMT -5
It's so she can't fight it saying he "forgot" to include her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2014 18:58:53 GMT -5
Then give her 5000 or something. A token. 1$ isn't a token. It's a middle finger.
Just my opinion.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Nov 10, 2014 1:46:16 GMT -5
I don't agree. The child hasn't spoken to or seen him in 30 years but wants 1/3 of the estate. The guy isn't her father - he was a sperm donor. That would entitle someone to child support when they're a minor, but I don't think it entitles them to an inheritance. The fact she would even think so is crazy to me. I'd almost suspect she sends the cards just to make a claim on the future money.
My biodad had nothing to do with me. Didn't even pay child support. I know he is now married and has an adult kid. In a million years I don't think I have any sort of claim on his money. My mom probably does for back child support, but I don't see how I do. I have no relationship with him, why would he leave part of his estate to me just because I have his DNA?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2014 5:06:55 GMT -5
I'm wondering how it came up in conversation.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Nov 10, 2014 8:39:56 GMT -5
My dad is only leaving his oldest daughter from a too young marriage $1. He has not seen or talked to her for probably 30 years. He gets a Christmas card signed love and her name. No pictures of her children and grandchildren. Her mother took her to California when she was 2 back in the late 40's, so he's never been a part of her life, and I'm sure she doesn't feel a part of his. However, when I visited her she said she expected 1/3 of his estate. So he went to the attorney to leave her $1. Attorney said she can't contest it. When he made that change, he was of sound mind. Any changes he would make now, I would say could be contested. This is sad. Similar to a situation in my husband's family, where his uncle married a woman at a very young age and they had two kids. Then she divorced him and moved, then quickly remarried. She did everything she could to prevent her kids from having contact with their biodad, even threatening to refuse to speak to them if they tried to get in touch with him. Uncle tried to contact his kids, but any letters he sent were returned to him unopened. Uncle ends up marrying a woman who had a daughter from a previous relationship but the bio dad refused to have anything to do with her daughter, no child support, etc., and ironically uncle ends up raising this step daughter as his own child. Uncle's son did eventually reach out to his dad and his dad's family, even contacting his aunt, my MIL, for ancestory information (he likes researching geneology). That's how Uncle found out how hateful ex-wife has been, over the years, and how much she tried to poison her kids against their bio dad. Uncle was able to meet his bio son when he was about 40, and he still talks to him periodically, but bio daughter refuses to speak to him because she doesn't want her mother (who is now in her 80's) to be mad at her. Don't think there will be much of an inheritance, and I have no idea how Uncle will divide things up, but all his kids and step kids are now in their 50's and 60's so money isn't really an issue for them. Very sad, though, that ex-wife was so hateful towards Uncle that she would sabatoge his relationship with his kids.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 10, 2014 8:42:05 GMT -5
He could just put in the will that she gets nothing. $1 just seems odd.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 10, 2014 11:15:02 GMT -5
My dad is only leaving his oldest daughter from a too young marriage $1. He has not seen or talked to her for probably 30 years. He gets a Christmas card signed love and her name. No pictures of her children and grandchildren. Her mother took her to California when she was 2 back in the late 40's, so he's never been a part of her life, and I'm sure she doesn't feel a part of his. However, when I visited her she said she expected 1/3 of his estate. So he went to the attorney to leave her $1. Attorney said she can't contest it. When he made that change, he was of sound mind. Any changes he would make now, I would say could be contested. That's just mean. I feel sorry for her.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 10, 2014 11:15:56 GMT -5
I don't agree. The child hasn't spoken to or seen him in 30 years but wants 1/3 of the estate. The guy isn't her father - he was a sperm donor. That would entitle someone to child support when they're a minor, but I don't think it entitles them to an inheritance. The fact she would even think so is crazy to me. I'd almost suspect she sends the cards just to make a claim on the future money. My biodad had nothing to do with me. Didn't even pay child support. I know he is now married and has an adult kid. In a million years I don't think I have any sort of claim on his money. My mom probably does for back child support, but I don't see how I do. I have no relationship with him, why would he leave part of his estate to me just because I have his DNA? It's wrong to assume she should get 1/3rd of the estate. But it's also wrong to leave her 1$. There's some saying about that....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 10, 2014 16:56:42 GMT -5
She is now a grown adult and could have a relationship with her father if she chose. She chose not to. To expect money is crazy
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 10, 2014 17:01:48 GMT -5
She is now a grown adult and could have a relationship with her father if she chose. She chose not to. To expect money is crazy I don't know the specifics of this situation, but despite the fact that she is an 'adult' she still is his child. She probably feels like he never made the effort to see her or be a part of her life. Expecting the money is completely wrong, but the onus is on the parent to keep and establish relationships with their children. At least IMO.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 10, 2014 17:17:10 GMT -5
I guess I'm different. I've tracked family members down that basically disappeared from our lives. Then if they have no interest, I let them go. No way would I blow off a father after I was on my own unless he wasn't interested in me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 10, 2014 17:18:19 GMT -5
To expect money floors me. But I know why the dollar bequest though. Very old fashioned
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quince
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Post by quince on Nov 10, 2014 19:41:07 GMT -5
I have parents who love me and who I am in frequent contact with. I don't expect any money from them. If someone expressed an expectation of an inheritance to me, unless their attitude changed significantly before I died, they would be getting $1.00.
Gift. Not an obligation. Treat someone like they are obligated to give you something, you are probably less likely to receive a gift.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 10, 2014 20:14:54 GMT -5
She is now a grown adult and could have a relationship with her father if she chose. She chose not to. To expect money is crazy I don't know the specifics of this situation, but despite the fact that she is an 'adult' she still is his child. She probably feels like he never made the effort to see her or be a part of her life. Expecting the money is completely wrong, but the onus is on the parent to keep and establish relationships with their children. At least IMO. The taking of the 2 year old happened in the late 40's. My dad spent any extra money he had trying to find his child. That was very difficult back then. He also would ask his ex's family where she was and they wouldn't tell him. He paid his child support to the court for years and then went to court and got it stopped. During my half-sister's last visit with my dad, she accused him of not paying her mother child support. He took her to the courthouse and showed her the money was there, unclaimed. Her mother has filled her with hate against dad, so I put the blame there. The woman went on to have 8 more children without ever marrying any of them. Dad says she had a hot temper and hit him and that is when he left. I am glad he did. I have been told by my dad and my half-sister that the last visit resulted in a major argument. Nobody has told me what it was about and I have not and will not ask. Dad did send her a card when her husband died about 2 years ago. He also went to where she was where her 11 month old baby died in 1969. Dad could not bear to see the child buried in the casket they could afford, so he paid for a nicer one. According to him, he was not thanked. I have told him that could be due to grief and that should be forgiven. My dad is 90 and he is not going to change his feelings about his 1st wife and the child, not retired adult, that came of that union. He discussed with an attorney how he could handle this so that she could not fight the will and that was the advice he received. As the attorney said, if dad spends a lot of time in a nursing home, there won't be any money to fight about. The house has been sold. DS and I are joint tenants on the bank account and we are beneficiaries on his IRA and life insurance. All that got changed when mom died in May. The car is gone. Only asset he has is his interest in his independent living apartment and he will receive 85% of that when he vacates the apartment. If he goes to assisted living or a nursing home, it won't take long to use his funds. His funeral is prepaid, but the funeral director told me if it looks like he might need to go on Title 19, we need to add some funds because we used more than half for mom's funeral. I am the only person in the family that my half sister talks to. She hasn't even asked for his phone number since they moved so she isn't interested in calling him. She did want his address for the Christmas card. Given the relationship they have had, I don't see anything wrong with what he has decided to do. Both he and mom were sort of hoping that he would pass first because mom would have inherited everything and it would have been a moot point. Depending on how the rest of dad's life plays out, there may be no inheritance for anybody. It's a very broken and complicated relationship. I would like to add that after her husband died, she told me that she has cut out her drug addict son from her will because it will all go for drugs or for child support he has never paid. So without knowing what her biological father is doing, she made the same choice with her own son.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 10, 2014 20:18:49 GMT -5
I have parents who love me and who I am in frequent contact with. I don't expect any money from them. If someone expressed an expectation of an inheritance to me, unless their attitude changed significantly before I died, they would be getting $1.00. Gift. Not an obligation. Treat someone like they are obligated to give you something, you are probably less likely to receive a gift. This. My dad got very angry when I told him that she expected 1/3 of his estate. I knew at that point she was not mentioned in his will because my parents had given DS and me copies of their wills. That made him very angry and he went to see his attorney. An inheritance is not an obligation. It is a gift. We spent two vacations when I was a kid going to California and spent a week with her and her family. By the end of the week, I don't think any of us wanted to see each other. All the hatred her mother had fed to her over the years could not be overcome. If they had been in the same state, perhaps.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 10, 2014 20:34:32 GMT -5
I have parents who love me and who I am in frequent contact with. I don't expect any money from them. If someone expressed an expectation of an inheritance to me, unless their attitude changed significantly before I died, they would be getting $1.00. Gift. Not an obligation. Treat someone like they are obligated to give you something, you are probably less likely to receive a gift. This. My dad got very angry when I told him that she expected 1/3 of his estate. I knew at that point she was not mentioned in his will because my parents had given DS and me copies of their wills. That made him very angry and he went to see his attorney. An inheritance is not an obligation. It is a gift. We spent two vacations when I was a kid going to California and spent a week with her and her family. By the end of the week, I don't think any of us wanted to see each other. All the hatred her mother had fed to her over the years could not be overcome. If they had been in the same state, perhaps. It's still mean to leave her 1$. He may have done the best he could to be a father, I don't doubt it. I don't judge. (or tried not to come across that way) But it's mean and cruel to tell one of his children to F off as his parting gift. Even if they were a brat or even if they were a terrible person or even if they unjustly felt entitled to a huge estate. That is a beyond horrible thing to do.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Nov 10, 2014 20:43:13 GMT -5
I'm sorry but I do not agree with you. If you knew all the circumstances you might feel the same way.
Did you read that she is doing the same thing to her drug addicted son. Would you leave money to a drug addict?
It's my dad's money to do with what he chooses. If he lives as long as his siblings, there will be no money and the problem will be solved.
It's not mean. It is a fact of life. This is an adult child with whom he has never had a relationship. Just because he was her sperm donor, why does he have to leave her an inheritance? He isn't telling her to F off in his eyes. He is acknowledging that they have no relationship and they don't.
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