Would like advice.

[nutty]

I over think and over analyse, I think I am a horrible person sometimes. I say this because I think I am pretty intuitive and I look for consistencies and when I see something not matching up I get suspicious. Now that I have made new friends I am with them a lot and frankly they exhaust me. I already want to run away. So much emotion, so much baggage (good and bad), so much drama, maybe I should just not be around people.

My therapist wants me to live in the moment instead of worrying, thinking, planning the future. How can I get to that point. Has anyone here been told to live in the moment?

[Deleted]

People exhaust me too.  Get a cat. 

And my ex used to tell me to live in the moment all the time.  That's how he lives his life constantly.  Judging by how it works out for him, I'm pretty sure no planning, thinking or worrying is a not a good thing either.  You need a balance.  Maybe cut down on going out with the friends a little and do some introvert stuff.  Read, get a hobby, get into a series on Netflix...

[Opti]

You need friends. Perhaps you can find other people who are calmer

and happier to hang around with.

How did you find these friends? Do you still call and talk to your old friends?

[nutty]

I always wanted some one to care, but now I do I wonder why I wanted that. Sometimes I need hibernation. I am so introverted that I didn't go out to one place for about a month and people asked me where I had been. Instead of being flattered that people noticed my absence I felt kind of put on the defensive, like I needed to explain myself, I know some of you on here are extroverts and may not understand. My constant refrain to myself a lot is leave me alone or I want to be alone.

It sucks.

[nutty]

Basically I have my new friends and HS friends. There are 4 HS friends I can get real with. The new friends aren't bad and it is an interesting mix as we are different in looks and in personalities. There are 6 of us girls, it is fun but I need my alone time too.

I think we all understand each other quite well, but there is drama and I just like to stay cool with everyone. We have a few jealous ones, there are 6 of us and a few get a little jealous when out with any of the others.

I guess it just reminds me of HS and we are in our 40's, maybe I should just go with the flow. What is interesting is that I am  falling into the same role as in HS, the caretaker and responsible one. LOL

[justme]

Ummm...did you ask your therapist those questions?

[nutty]

Yes, I did. But we are in the early stages. I wanted to see if others feel this way, or that I am a bit abnormal. I am going to get a cat I think.

[justme]

A cat to help you live in the moment?   You do realize you'll then have a creature for which you'll be thinking and planning about. "Gotta go, need to feed the cat." "Need to plan for any cat emergencies."

[NancysSummerSip]

So put it writing for yourself: time for you versus time for everyone else. Literally, get a date book and schedule time for you and time for being with others. At this point, you sound like a ping pong ball on steroids, going back and forth over the net between the introvert and the extrovert; there's no middle ground, from the sound of things.

And if these friends are a problem, find new ones. And I don't mean at bars. I don't have an issue with bars, drinking, etc. But if it's a few quality friendships you want, you won't likely find them in a bar. Find pursuits that the kind of people you want to cultivate enjoy doing. Volunteer for something. People with balance in their lives have that balance because they mix things up: they earn for themselves, yet give of themselves, too. I've yet to meet a bad volunteer (well, with a single exception, but he was an alcoholic and drug addict).

[Chocolate Lover]

Remind yourself that there's nothing wrong with you for wanting some quiet now and then. Tell your friends you were enjoying your quiet/having some "me" time/or just nothing.

Living in the moment isn't always what it's cracked up to be. 


As far as the HS drama with the girls, yeah.........that'd probably make me stop hanging out with them. I don't do that crap for anyone.

[Deleted]

Introverts always get treated like they're weird. If you're happy being alone it doesn't have to suck. I absolutely love solitude and it has been a LONG time since I "hung out" with friends.  I enjoy the time when I do, but I'm almost relieved when it's over.  This Sunday I invited first ex and his family (including his sister which is one of my best friends).  I did it partially because I miss them, but also because I need help with the fence and said I'd give them steak and beer if they showed up. 


There is great value in having friends, but you don't need to be a social butterfly hanging out with bar-hopping drama queens every night either (I'm not saying that's your friends, just an example ). 

[greeniis10]

I don't think you're "abnormal" mainly because I'm the same way.  Socializing is exhausting for me.  I force myself to do it occasionally, but in reality it just makes me appreciate being home in peace and quiet even more.

[nutty]

Yes, socializing is exhausting to me. I guess that is what I am trying to say.

[ArchietheDragon]

Oct 23, 2014 10:13:01 GMT -5 nutty said:

Yes, socializing is exhausting to me. I guess that is what I am trying to say.

I would never suggest taking some sort of mood enhancing stimulant to get your party on. 

[happyhoix]

Nutty I'm introverted too and I also tend to worry. Big groups exhaust me, too.

To reduce the worrying I learned to ask myself if I actually have any control over what I'm worrying about. Worried about ebola? Can I actually keep ebola from coming into the US? No? Then stop worrying about it. Mentally, I picture myself turning off the faucet of worry on that particular subject. I had to practise this for several years, but now I'm pretty good at it, and a whole lot happier. When it comes down to it, we can't really control most of the crap that is going on around us, so it is pointless to stress out over it.

If your therapist is insisting you must go out with groups of people and learn how to enjoy yourself doing it, I don't think that is the right therapist for you. Sounds like she's an extrovert. Introverts can learn how to tolerate being in groups, can even learn how to be pleasant and have fun in a group, but introverts will always feel more comfortable one on one with people, and we always need a certain amount of alone time.

I think you're trying to hang out with the wrong kind of people. If you have a hobby, you might have better luck joining a meeting with like minded people - maybe join a book club or a gardening club. There are a lot of other introverted, laid back, drama free people out there, you just need to find some of them to hang out with occasionally. And maybe switch therapists.

[Shooby]

You don't have to own the drama of others.

[mmhmm]

As I see it, your problem isn't so much being an introvert as it is being a people-pleaser. You aren't responsible for the happiness of others. They're responsible for their own happiness and you're responsible for your happiness. If you prefer to stay home and watch TV, or read, or count the doorknobs, then do so. If you want to get a cat, get a cat. You don't have to explain to anybody why you do what you do. You do it because it's what you want to do and that's enough.

[Angel!]

Find new friends & you don't have to hang out constantly. I am introvert too. I enjoy going out, but I hit a point where I just need "me" time & don't want to be around others.

The point of going out with friends is to have fun. If you aren't having fun, then don't go. Find people you have fun with that don't have the drama.

[Deleted]

I agree with the pp, if your therapist is trying to help by pushing an extroverted lifestyle, then maybe you should find a different one. 

[Chocolate Lover]

I'm such an introvert that my own husband and kids eventually get on my nerves if I can't get some quiet time now and then.

The only people I hang out with generally are family and they exhaust me because they're mostly extroverts and I have to be "on" when we're together. I love them dearly, but I am soooo glad to be home afterwards. 

[Angel!]

Oct 23, 2014 9:37:50 GMT -5 nutty said:

I over think and over analyse, I think I am a horrible person sometimes. I say this because I think I am pretty intuitive and I look for consistencies and when I see something not matching up I get suspicious.

I've got to ask. What does this part have to do with the whole bit about your friends exhausting you? It seems like 2 very separate issues unless there was some incident or something relating the 2 issues.

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2014 10:28:54 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I'm such an introvert that my own husband and kids eventually get on my nerves if I can't get some quiet time now and then.

I put my kids to bed EARLY.  Older can read in his room as late as he wants, but I want him out of the living room so I can just chill with the cat...oh hell...I even kick the cat out half the time. 

[yogiii]

Oct 23, 2014 10:34:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 23, 2014 10:28:54 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I'm such an introvert that my own husband and kids eventually get on my nerves if I can't get some quiet time now and then.

I put my kids to bed EARLY.  Older can read in his room as late as he wants, but I want him out of the living room so I can just chill with the cat...oh hell...I even kick the cat out half the time. 

Add me to your list!  I guess we should hang out.  The three of us can sit silently together in a room

[Firebird]

DH and I are major introverts.  We do have a friend of mine over occasionally but we're way past the "head out to the bar for drinks with random acquaintances" stage of our lives.  The birthday party we had last weekend for our daughter was a lot of fun, and it also knocked both of us on our asses for the rest of the weekend.  There's nothing wrong with having a quiet little life at home, if that's what makes you happy.

I too question what the introvert issue has to do with the OP.  It seems like there are a lot of issues in your life right now getting tangled up with each other?

[Chocolate Lover]

Oct 23, 2014 10:34:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 23, 2014 10:28:54 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

I'm such an introvert that my own husband and kids eventually get on my nerves if I can't get some quiet time now and then.

I put my kids to bed EARLY.  Older can read in his room as late as he wants, but I want him out of the living room so I can just chill with the cat...oh hell...I even kick the cat out half the time. 

Kids usually aren't as difficult to get rid of as DH. He gets up before I do and rarely will go to bed until I do. I guess him sleeping on the couch counts as being alone.....

[nutty]

If your therapist is insisting you must go out with groups of people and learn how to enjoy yourself doing it,

Not sure where this came from, my therapist did not recommend that. He said to live in the moment.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

All people, extroverts and introverts, have some sort of drama in their lives. You have your fair share nutty.   You aren't going to find anyone who is "drama free".

That being said there are people who are constantly mired in it.  If that is your friends then you  need new friends.  I have no problems dropping people from my life who seem to get off on constantly having some sort of crisis in their lives.

Otherwise you need to learn to let other people's drama roll off your back.   My BFF's life is somewhat of a trainwreck but I don't worry about it, I don't analyze it, it's not my problem.   When we go out together the topic does not come up (unless she really needs to talk), we don't allow it to interfere with having a good time together, that's the whole point of going out to get AWAY from the crap.

There is also nothing wrong with being an introvert.  I suggest you read the book Quiet.   It is not an either/or thing when it comes to being an introvert or an extrovert.   Depending on my mood and the situation I flucuate between the two.   All human beings need socialization from time to time, what makes the difference between extrovets and introverts is how you choose to get that interaction.

I am not a group person.   If the group gets too big I get very overwhelmed.   People on the trip to Boreno thought i was anti-social because I didn't go out at night.  No it's after being in a group of 30 all day I really need my space so I preferred to hang out at the hotel.

I prefer very small groups or one on one. Maybe instead of forcing yourself to hang out with all six girls at once you hang out with them as individuals?   That would give you more time to see if you have common interests and find things to do that don't invovle having to go out to the bar.   Those that get jealous can deal with it, it is their problem not yours.

[nutty]

Post by uh-uh on 22 minutes ago
As I see it, your problem isn't so much being an introvert as it is being a people-pleaser

this is probably a very accurate statement

[Chocolate Lover]

Oct 23, 2014 10:40:13 GMT -5 yogiii said:

Oct 23, 2014 10:34:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I put my kids to bed EARLY.  Older can read in his room as late as he wants, but I want him out of the living room so I can just chill with the cat...oh hell...I even kick the cat out half the time. 

Add me to your list!  I guess we should hang out.  The three of us can sit silently together in a room

I'll bring my book! 

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2014 10:40:13 GMT -5 yogiii said:

Oct 23, 2014 10:34:12 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I put my kids to bed EARLY.  Older can read in his room as late as he wants, but I want him out of the living room so I can just chill with the cat...oh hell...I even kick the cat out half the time. 

Add me to your list!  I guess we should hang out.  The three of us can sit silently together in a room

LOL  Except, we're so similar we probably never would!  We'd all be making excuses why we couldn't get together and it would never happen.