MOLLY'S RANTS

[busymom]

Molly, you've handled those moronic comments beautifully! (I'm not sure I would have been quite as kind).

I'm going through that "attractive" perimenopause stage right now, too. I HATE the hot flashes. I've been experimenting with my caffeine intake (I'm trying to bring it down to half), & I've discovered it seems to be helping me some. And, I'm back on my diet again since school started. It's easier, because when the kids are home they are "eating machines".  After I take one spoon of ice cream, my DD will walk up to me with a bowl filled with 3 full scoops!   (I've warned her if she eats like that after age 30, she'll double her weight, so she'd better enjoy it now!)  Can I borrow you as my diet buddy? 

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Of course ~ I can always use a "Healthy Eating Buddy"!  We can have a contest to see who eats the most fiber! You must, however, understand that I will (on occasion) be discussing poo. (We can call it poop if that sounds better.) 

And I've really cut back my caffeine intake, too ... I went from 4-5 Diet Mountain Dews per day to just .... one. (And it's added to my morning protein shake, LOL!) I am doing it for both perimenopausal reasons (ok, did I just make up a word there?) and also because my blood pressure thinks it's the DOW and seems to randomly skyrocket (at least when I'm in the doctor's office.)

<---- Why don't we have a dancing tomato? And a dancing cucumber? Clearly, this forum is biased against veggies.

[Jaguar]

I'm here to please......

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Molly your diet rants are cracking me up!!

You really need to write a book - or start a Blog.

I follow the hilarious "Bloggess" and her rants against the Giant Metal Chicken, her husband Victor, and any other random thought that enters her mind, and you could really give her a run for her money.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Sept 17, 2014 19:11:28 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

I'm here to please......

Romaine?
Cabbage?
Broccoli?
What's that last little green mutant?

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Looks like a mutant artichoke.

[greeniis10]

I thought maybe the last one was a Brussels sprout?  Pretty sure I'm spelling that wrong so I wouldn't be surprised if I couldn't identify a "cartoonified" one, either!

[NancysSummerSip]

Molly's compliments rant reminds me of how some people don't know what to say after someone has obviously had plastic surgery.

As my surgeon says, "The point of a really good facelift is when people say, 'You look great!' and stop talking right there. It's because they cannot figure out what you did, they just know you look really good.
If they say, 'You look great, when did you have the facelift?' you know you went a little too far."

[busymom]

I felt AWFUL when I got up this morning. I'm analyzing what I've been eating (and haven't been), & decided I wasn't eating enough protein. I had a couple of eggs with my salad for lunch. I also had a "can of caffeine", in case I've reduced my caffeine too much, too soon. Because I get migraines, it could also be the incoming weather front that's affecting me.

Mid-life sucks! There are too many variables at this age.

[swamp]

If someone were to refer to me as the "Snarky red-headed fat chick driving the yellow Mustang" .... I'd say that's a fairly accurate description, actually. 

I  you.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

For the past 11 days or so, my exercise of choice has been riding my nifty purple-and-lime green Electra Hawaii Beach Cruiser. I bought it years ago (in my wayward youth) and it's been gathering dust in my garage for the past 3 years or so. So I dusted it off (spiderwebs included ... which involved me shrieking and squirting the bike with the hose in the middle of the driveway), and started S-L-O-W-L-Y biking last Monday.  Anyway, I'm rather new to this whole "exercise thing" ... but I figure that after a solid summer of healthy eating and weight loss, maybe I'd be able to pedal around the block without flopping over and squooshing someone's zinnias.

First off, let me admit, that I love my bike. They only sold one locally, and it's mine ... apparently not everyone thinks magenta purple and lme green are a good color palette for them. It came with the standard Beach Cruiser seat, which I decided years ago wasn't nearly big enough, comfy enough, and squooshy enough for my big butt ~ so I found one online that's a gel seat and downright delightful. I still get a sore bike butt after a while, but it seriously was worth the investment (whatever it was back then.) I also have a nifty purple bike bell that I "TING TING TING!" with authority when some roadhog in a car wants to run me over as I'm patiently waiting to cross a busy intersection. We also added a metal basket in the front because I always seem to travel with "stuff." (It's got an emergency $20 bill, some hard candies (for low blood sugar), my asthma inhaler, a bike lock, and a large baggie of Kitten Chow to entice the cats I meet on my way. Oh, and the garage door clicker thingy so I can actually get back inside when I'm done biking.)

One of my favorite quotes from Fried Green Tomatoes is "What separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." And my bike is accessorized. In addition to my nifty seat, my nifty basket, my nifty bell, I've got nifty lights (red in the back, white in the front), a bike radio, reflective wheel spoke colors, and my wonderful DH contributed a yellow reflective safety belt that's looped around the metal basket. When I ride after dark (which I do, since our summers are sizzling and seem to last forever ... we were just 105 this week) ... I also wear a reflective yellow safety vest. Seriously, between all my lights and reflectors, I looks like a festive flashing lime green Christmas Tree. We only ride at night in our reasonably quiet neighborhood, and our neighbors can definitely see me coming, lol!  Safety first, right?

I must admit, part of my goal is to distract people from thinking "Holy cow, there's that snarky fat chick riding her bike." Now I hope they think "Holy cow, that's a whole lotta lime green. She looks like a Christmas Tree!"  

So far, I've chosen to ride in bike shorts and long tank tops, which I rather hope do a semi-decent job of covering my butt. No, I'm fairly certain that bike shorts aren't an especially flattering fashion choice on chubsters like me, but they really are a good choice for biking since the leg fabric doesn't get in the way. It's not like people wouldn't have already noticed I was fat. "Gosh, Molly, until I saw you biking in bike shorts, I had absolutely no idea you were fat, wow."  Anyway, I was delighted to find some bike shorts in my size online, and initally ordered a pair in a medium blue and in lime green. (Come on, how could I turn down lime green?) I've since gone back online and order a pair in purple (because I must match my bike, right?) and in a rather bright hot pink berry color. Go big or go home, right? I will just keep wearing long and loose tank tops with my bike shorts and I promise not to wear them when I'm not biking, fair enough?

Anyway, I've been biking for about a week and a half. The first few days, I was biking what I "thought" was a one-mile circuit around my neighborhood. When I mentioned this to my wonderful DH, he insisted that the route I was taking was longer than a mile. I insisted it was  mile, since I remembered mapping it out years ago. Anyway, I looked up that one mile route online and it's 2.5 miles. Oops. HAHAHAHAHA. OK, I have the spatial awareness and sense of direction of a gnat, and was completely clueless that my one "mile" was really 2.5 miles. I've decided that my wonderful DH is usually right about things like distances and directions .... and I'm almost universally wrong ... even when I am CERTAIN that I'm right. (grin)

I have a sore butt. Can I say that in here? After all, I've been saying poo. (Poo! Poo!) Even with all the extra padding (both from my nifty bike seat as well as from my own flubber), there is something about biking that just makes my butt sore. And if there's a way to keep from giving oneself a wedgie while riding a bike and getting on and off the bike seat, I haven't learned that trick yet. It's a good thing that a fair amount of my biking is occurring after dark, when it's easier to free trapped underwear fabric from where it's been hiding. I mentioned this to my wonderful DH who helpfully offered to remove the fabric for me (men!) or suggested that I go "Commando" (men!) Yeah, I'm already risking the sensibilities of my neighbors by wearing lime green bike shorts ~ does he really think I'd do without underwear to help control jiggling? :::: rolls eyes and sighs melodramatically ::::

We were biking yesterday when I slowed to look at some pretty flowers. Suddenly, I was swarmed by a flock of 20 ducks. Seriously. Quacking ducks. We don't HAVE ducks in our neighborhood. They were in someone's yard. They saw me stopping, and literally RAN up to me. Quack Quack Quack. I wasn't sure of the proper protocol for such things. Do I shoo them away with my foot? Do I ring my bell? My wonderful DH suggested I share my Kitten Chow since I travel with a baggie-full. I don't know about the duck swarms in YOUR neighborhood, but the duck swarms in MY neighborhood are pretty crazy for Kitten Chow. While they were Hoovering it up, we made a break for it, with just a farewell TING TING TING!

In the meantime, I'm getting used to biking again. I biked 10.25 miles yesterday, and we did another 6.3 miles this morning. My butt hurts, but I'm nicely accessorized. And I'm ready for more ducks. (grin)

[NancysSummerSip]

My butt hurts, but I'm nicely accessorized. 

I misread that as "My butt hurts, but it's nicely accessorized."

Which quite frankly, isn't exactly wrong in your case. Lime green, magenta, yellow...it all sounds like a Sherwin-Williams paint commercial on steroids.

[Jaguar]

❤ mollymouser ❤, YOU are a real inspiration, funny as all get out too. I love your postings.

[Ombud]

❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

paid a gazillion dollars for high definition trifocals that I still have to take off to read fine print, lol.

OMG I have company in that department!

[busymom]

Molly, you need to write a blog. Really!

Nice to know I'm not the only one who takes off her unlined bifocals to try & read something. 

Why am I thinking a nicely accessorized butt includes a tattoo? 

I invited DS to take a walk with me (we've got a nice walking path nearby), and he turned me down!    We used to be walking buddies, but he's acting more like a teenager all of the time...

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I told ❤ mollymouser ❤ that yesterday, busymom - she could really give The Bloggess a run for her money with her humorous dieting rants. I double-over reading them, they're so priceless!

[greeniis10]

Yes, I agree that you could write a blog, but I'm perfectly happy reading your posts here instead!

I have to say that I would love to see a picture of you on your fabulous bike in all your cycling glory!  Yet another reason I knew I liked you: green and purple are my favorite colors.  My wedding was green and purple.  Not lime green, of course, but a light shimmery olive and dark royal purple.  I also have a green Honda Accord and a purple Ford truck!

[Chocolate Lover]

Green and purple are an awesome combination, especially in Skittles!  Add some gold and you can be celebrating Mardi Gras all year round! 

Good for you for biking, even if it does make for a sore tush! 

[lexxy703]

Molly I have thoroughly enjoyed your thread.  You are hilarious.  You must have somewhere previously mentioned you are a redhead because I also mentally pictured you as a redhead.  Your bike sounds very cute!

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I'm a foodie. Which, for the record, doesn't mean that I'm a chef, or even a cook. It just means that I like food. Most food. Of course, I especially like some food better than other food ... who doesn't prefer bacon and fried chicken to lima beans and okra? (Besides your friendly neighborhood vegan or vegetarian, of course. But the vegans and vegetarians in my neighborhood aren't all that friendly and I recently caught one of them pilfering my tomatoes right off the vine. Which is not to say that ALL vegans and vegetarians are notorious veggie thieves, just the one living in my neighborhood.)

My healthy eating quest has shown me the joys and benefits of a high fiber diet. (I figure if I keep saying "the joys and benefits of a high fiber diet" someone might actually start believing that. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm still trying.) One of my health goals with all of this healthy eating (other than the obvious "lose weight" goal) is to reduce my cholesterol and triglycerides. Fiber also has the decided benefit of helping me to balance, regulate and moderate my blood sugar, and it helps one feel full. And, I suppose, there's that whole "colon health" benefit, too. I will say that if any one out there in Mollywood is considering a high fiber diet, you should probably slowly work your way UP to a high fiber diet and don't do what I did was to just dive-in, feet first, and start eating 50+ grams of daily fiber. OH MY. On the other hand, I did have a hard-to-store surplus stockpile of Quilted Northern toilet paper that's dwindled nicely as a decluttering benefit of my rash decision to jump on the fiber train. And I've also learned that it's probably useful to have products like probiotics and Gas-X on hand for any sudden surges in fiber intake. One added bonus: I am pretty sure that you can burn quite a few calories running to the restroom every few hours.

My body is now nicely acclimated to high fiber. It's taken me a while to figure out a breakfast that works for me, so now I eat the same breakfast 6 days a week: a cup of original Fiber One cereal (the stuff that looks like hamster food pellets, NOT the yummy flakes and other flavors of Fiber One), some unsweetened vanilla Almond Breeze (which has a fraction of the calories and carbs of skim milk or soy milk), and a protein shake I make in the blender (110 calories) plus I add in a "medium banana."  I have to laugh about the "medium banana" because when you start looking up calories online, they specify small bananas, medium bananas, large bananas and extra large bananas. Up to this point, I thought bananas pretty much came in three styles: green and unripe, yellow and ripe, and brown spotted who wants banana bread. I now spend FAR too much time in the grocery store, fondling and comparing bananas, but at least I'm not doing something irresponsible like accidentally purchasing a LARGE banana by mistake. (My wonderful DH is learning to accept my newfound and slightly freakish focus on the size of fruits and veggies and doesn't blink an eye when we're shopping and I yell across the produce aisles "Last time, your bananas were too big!")

On the 7th day, there shall be hashbrowns. OK, that may not be in the Good Book, but it certainly is in MOLLY'S HEALTHY EATING BOOK, lol. Just as cats are attracted to and slightly addicted to catnip, I must confess a lingering attraction to and addiction to the 150 calories of fried potato-y goodness that is McDonald's hashbrown. Cats have their catnip, I have my "fatnip." (Yep, that's what I call it!) Anyway, on Friday mornings, I eat my Fiber One and drink my protein shake (banana-less), and then on the way to the cat rescue adoption center we zip through the McDonald's drive through and I get my beloved hashbrown. Which I eat in the car. Happily. Fat be damned. It actually only makes my Friday breakfast 45 calories more than my other breakfasts, but it's worth it. And since the rest of my high fiber, veggie-laden, lean protein-filled diet is fairly lowish in fats, one dose of fatnip per week won't kill me.

Did I mention the joys and benefits of a high fiber diet? (grin) Oh well, at least my bananas are the proper size.

[Jaguar]

[Chocolate Lover]

 green and unripe, yellow and ripe, and brown spotted who wants banana bread.

These are, indeed, the 3 correct versions of bananas.

[The Captain]

Sept 19, 2014 15:19:57 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

 ...bananas, large bananas and extra large bananas. Up to this point, I thought bananas pretty much came in three styles: green and unripe, yellow and ripe, and brown spotted who wants banana bread. I now spend FAR too much time in the grocery store, fondling and comparing bananas, but at least I'm not doing something irresponsible like accidentally purchasing a LARGE banana by mistake. (My wonderful DH is learning to accept my newfound and slightly freakish focus on the size of fruits and veggies and doesn't blink an eye when we're shopping and I yell across the produce aisles "Last time, your bananas were too big!") 

...
Did I mention the joys and benefits of a high fiber diet? (grin) Oh well, at least my bananas are the proper size.

(Goes to get a towel to wipe computer screen dry)

I will HAVE to try that on DH someday .

[Jaguar]

This thread is my go to for laughs for the day.

[busymom]

Hey, if you're going to have hash browns on the 7th day, you might as well have some bacon, too. Joost sayin'!

My favorite type of fiber is granola.  Whoever imagined as kids, when we were innocently eating our sugary cereals, that someday we would actually be trying to eat healthy! 

[Chocolate Lover]

Sept 19, 2014 16:13:53 GMT -5 busymom said:

Hey, if you're going to have hash browns on the 7th day, you might as well have some bacon, too. Joost sayin'!

My favorite type of fiber is granola.  Whoever imagined as kids, when we were innocently eating our sugary cereals, that someday we would actually be trying to eat healthy! 

I got gyped! I didn't get sugary cereals as a kid! But mom did have a drawer full of candy bars so it all evens out.

[busymom]

We didn't get the sugary cereals often. I remember drowning my Cheerios & Wheaties in sugar. But, we did get the occasional treat, like a box of Lucky Charms.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Good Golly, Miss Molly, ❤ mollymouser ❤ !

You're making my sides hurt from laughing. I've needed this - and since they say laughter is the best medicine, thanks for providing my daily dose.

And I meant it when I said you should save these gems for posterity - and turn them into a blog - or better yet, a book - you could seriously (no pun intended) be the next Erma Bombeck.



.

[Deleted]

Sept 17, 2014 19:02:28 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

Of course ~ I can always use a "Healthy Eating Buddy"!  We can have a contest to see who eats the most fiber! You must, however, understand that I will (on occasion) be discussing poo. (We can call it poop if that sounds better.) 

And I've really cut back my caffeine intake, too ... I went from 4-5 Diet Mountain Dews per day to just .... one. (And it's added to my morning protein shake, LOL!) I am doing it for both perimenopausal reasons (ok, did I just make up a word there?) and also because my blood pressure thinks it's the DOW and seems to randomly skyrocket (at least when I'm in the doctor's office.)

<---- Why don't we have a dancing tomato? And a dancing cucumber? Clearly, this forum is biased against veggies.

I think you better call it poop. Winnie the Pooh is my favorite character in the whole world and reading you type poo, just sounds SO wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Peace77]

I can see the cover of your book in my mind: a colorful cartoon figure of you on your purple and lime green bike surrounded by a gaggle of ducks.