MOLLY'S RANTS

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I have a love-hate relationship with my scale. OK, not really. I have a sometimes-I-think-my-scale-is-possessed-by-Satan, and sometimes I really LIKE my scale sort of relationship. If my scale were one of my Facebook friends, let's just say that some days I'm willing to see her annoyingly chirpy posts in my Newsfeed, and other days I'd rather cheerfully stab the HIDE button as quickly as possible, while fantasizing a BLOCK and UNFRIEND option.

When I re-started my latest healthy eating quest (I'm determined not to call it a diet), I accepted the fact that I needed to purchase a new scale. After all, the OLD scale ended up at the bottom of the swimming pool during the Summer of 2011 and it seems that scales don't float. HA! Too bad, we chubby women float just fine, thankyouverymuch! Anyway, I decided to just do my shopping on Amazon because that place seriously has everything. EVERYTHING!

Anyway, while reading up on various scales, I was rather annoyingly bemused and dismayed that many scales only go up to 200 pounds, or 250 pounds. Hello, scale industry ... some of us are much heavier and need scales that might actually survive a suprise encounter with us in the bathroom in the morning. Anyway, I finally settled on a Talking Scale that could handle significantly more weight than I needed, which helped my bruised ego.

She speaks in a faintly British accent. It's all very civilized. When I tap her gently with my toe (as gently as a fat woman balancing on one foot can be, LOL) she greets me with a "Hello! It's ready." (I always wonder why she doesn't say "I'm ready?" but have decided to just be grateful that she's not self-aware like the scary computers in the Terminator or Matrix movies. Because if she WERE self-aware, the LAST thing she'd want is some grouchy fat woman squooshing her on random mornings, right?) Anyway, with that faintly British accent, it just makes my weigh-ins all the more civilized, sort of like Downton Abbey Dieting. "Would you care to step on the scale this morning?"

I can tell you that I've tried placing that digital talking scale ALL over the tile floors in my house, and have determined that I weigh the lowest immediately in front of the pantry window. (Yes, I have a window in my walk-in pantry. You may now be jealous.) However, in deference to my neighbors and innocent passerby, coupled with my penchant for weighing in buck nekkid, I've opted for a more standard scale placement in one of our bathrooms. I can also tell you that I tend to weigh less when I step on the scale first with my right foot, and THEN my left foot. Yes, I did try this ... over and over and over. In fact, I was disappointed NOT to find a listing in the Activity Log of calories burned on those charts online for "Get on and off the scale over and over and over again, while holding your breath and sucking in". Seriously? Why isn't THAT a listing?

Anyway, I step on my scale on randomly and haphazardly selected mornings. Or when I think I've just had an impressive poo. (Can we say poo in here? I hope so. I say it a lot. Poo! Poo!) I re-started my healthy eating quest on June 1, and I just past the 15 week mark last Saturday. I know that some people say "weigh every day." Frankly, I can't handle that sort of emotional trauma on a daily basis. Still others say "weigh once a week" or "weigh once a month" or "Don't weigh ... just get a measuring tape" or "go by what your clothes are doing." After 49 years of being me, I've decided that none of those things work for me, so I do what DOES work for me. I step on my scale when I feel like it, with the one rule that I do want to make a point of stepping on it the first of every month.

I am ridiculously fat, 49 years old, and I'm in what's known as "pre-menopause." Which means I get both my period AND hot flashes, lovely. About every 3-4 months, I skip a period. Once, I skipped 2. Then it returned, like uninvited in-laws fresh out of prison ... unwanted, but grudgingly allowed to stay for a few days. I have decided that my body is a lot like the Bay of Fundi ... which (as any Trivial Pursuit or Jeopardy Geek will tell you, has the highest and lowest tides in the world, LOL). When I retain water, I REALLY retain water. And when my body is done with that water .... it flushes it out rather impressively. As far as I can tell my frequent scale encounters, I retain water before my period, during my period, after my period, before ovulation, during ovulation, after ovulation, every other Tuesday, and whenever there's a showing on cable of Law and Order. Seriously, my secret power is SPONGE.

This means that sometimes I step on the scale and it's up 2.5 pounds from the previous day. AAAUUUUGGGHHHHH! Of course, the logical side of my brain merely points out to my emotional side that since I didn't actually eat 10,000 extra calories in one day, it's water and poo. I end up muttering "It's just water and poo, it's just water and poo, it's just water and poo" to my scale a lot. If the NSA has weirdly chosen to bug my bathroom, they're probably (1) really confused and (2) absolutely convinced I've got Tourette's Syndrome.

Anyway, that's my rant for now. I shall rant again. Ranting is cathartic for me. (And I'm secretly hoping that it burns calories) And, for those who are curious on how I'm doing? I've lost 82 pounds since I re-started my healthy eating quest.

Maybe next time, I'll post a Biking Rant?

[flamingo]

Thank you for the chuckle this evening!  And congrats on the weight loss. That's awesome!

and please, post your biking rant. I can always use a good chuckle to brighten up my evening 

[mmhmm]

M'darlin', you're losin'
And that's of your choosin'
I'm thinkin' you're doin' quite well.

Just keep up the tryin'
The scale, she'll be lyin'
And one day, you'll send 'er to hell!

Good work on the weight loss and thanks for the giggles. 

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

If nothing else, you gave me a good laugh, just what I've been needing a lot of lately.

I don't know why they call it menopause - they should just call it "meno-turn-off-the-plumbing-now" and save me from the occasional turning on of the faucet - and hot-flashes that are the added bonus.

Thankfully, I'm past that stage and everything that comes with it.

[Peace Of Mind]

Maybe next time, I'll post a Biking Rant?

LOL!  I first read that as "bikini rant" until I read Flamingo's comment and realized you said biking.

I want to hear your bikini rant.  Thank you in advance. 

And word on the street is all scales are wrong.  And they are stupid.    I'm just sayin'.   

[Jaguar]

❤ mollymouser ❤

Thanks for the laughs and giggles, congrats your a winner.

[suesinfl]

Molly, thank you for the laugh, but having been there done that , I feel your pain. You should start a blog (if you don't already have one) on the trials and tribulation of weight loss. You definitely have a knack for writing. Hugs to you!

[sesfw]

I've lost 82 pounds since I re-started my healthy eating quest. 

 YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having been overweight all of my adult life I can relate to your tale.  I'm finally down to the weight I should be but it took DH having a heart attack to do it.  He had to go very low sodium and I did the same thing.  I am a label reader and always choose the lowest sodium.

Dumping the sodium helped immensely with the water retention, and during these Phoenix summers my sweat glands are behaving themselves also.

Thanks for the laughs ....... and keep up the good work.  It's definitely a roller coaster ride.

[NancysSummerSip]

Hilarious, Molly. And I bet I have better biking stories than you. Well, if falling off the bike counts, anyway.

(Yes, I have a window in my walk-in pantry. You may now be jealous.)

This must be the first cousin to the Sub-Zero fridge with the window. I always wanted one of those, until I realized I'd have to actually keep things neat in there.

However, in deference to my neighbors and innocent passerby, coupled with my penchant for weighing in buck nekkid

No wonder the neighbors sing "Good Golly, Miss Molly!" every time they pass your house.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I am COMPLETELY obsessed with Tomato Wraps. Completely. OBSESSED.

So, what ARE Tomato Wraps? Well, they are these wraps I found on Amazon (which has EVERYTHING) made from tomato puree and other non-GMO ingredients and made into wraps (sort of like a fruit rollup, but without the sugar and artificial flavors and colorings.) According to their package, they are vegan and gluten-free and low sodium. What I like about them is their delightfully tangy, tomato-y flavor and the fact that they are only 25 calories each and 3 carbs. (Because, after all, I count calories and I count carbs ... and if I can save calories and carbs on one aspect of my meal, then I get to eat more food. And, frankly, there's a delightful truth to the fact that chubby foodies like me appreciate any and all opportunity to eat more food, LOL!)

My first few attempts to successfully navigate the intricacies of making wraps with these tasty little suckers were comical at best. Time #1 ... I left the wrap affixed to its plastic backing, only to discover that if you get the wrap too wet (by not drying off the leaves of your just-washed romaine lettuce leaf), then you are dealing with a food substance with the adhesive ability of super glue or wet wallpaper. And they you sort of have to scrape it off the now permanently-attached plastic backing with either a butter knife, or your teeth. It wasn't pretty. It was tasty and worth it, but it wasn't pretty.  I suppose next time I could have just opted for dirty lettuce, but decided to exhaust other avenues first like ... perhaps.... using dry lettuce or FOLLOWING THE INSTRUCTIONS and peeling it off the backing like the package suggests. Silly rules ... those are for sissies.

Time #2 with the wraps had me peel four lovely tomato wraps off the plactic backing and lay them on a clean, hard surface. OK, it was the kitchen counter top. Yes, I put them directly on the countertop. Yes, the counter was clean (what are you, my mother?) Anyway, this time I used a bit too much hummus, my lettuce may have been slightly damp, and I am sure that my ham was a bit drippy, too. If you thought getting those wraps off the plastic backing was a challenge, you haven't see a grown woman attempting to get them off her kitchen counter. Yay for metal spatulas and butter knives. By the time I was done, they were a tasty, but shredded mess, LOL. And, yes, I ate them anyway ~ those suckers are pricey.

After that, I discovered the secret is to just place the unwrapped tomato wraps on a plate or other SUITABLE surface, quickly add a modest shmear of hummus, quickly add a dry romaine leaf, and then add a slice of meat (dripping or otherwise) on top of the lettuce leaf and THEN ROLL UP THE SILLY WRAP! Success! Eureka! It works! It works! The clouds parted, the heavens opened, and I swear I could hear an angelic chorus of "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" Oh happy day! Seriously, I almost burst into song ... but the only song that I could think of that had any relevance to the situation was the theme song from "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" and that seemed mildly out of place.

Anyway, my initial Amazon purchase of 4 packages was dwindling, and like a cat who can see the bottom of the food bowl, I panicked. So I zipped back onto Amazon and ordered .... um .... 10 more packages. (Don't judge. I'm..... ummm... stockpiling! Yeah, that's right! I'm stockpiling! What if they run out? What if Amazon stopped carrying them.)  Then, a day later, I thought, "Hey, they're shelf stable for 12 months, why not go BACK on Amazon and order 10 MORE PACKAGES?"

Do you know what happens when you order TWO orders of 10 packages of Tomato Wraps from Amazon within a few days of each other? Your telephone rings.

Yep, you know you've over-shopped on Amazon when a company representative from the Tomato Wrap company calls you and asks "We got your third order for Tomato Wraps and we're wondering ... are you a restaurant??" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Nope, I had to confess, just a wayward dieter currently obsessed with his product and freakishly worried about a sudden run on Tomato Wraps causing their supply to dwindle. Bless his heart, at least he didn't laugh at the irony that "I" was probably causing the sudden on run on Tomato Wraps. Anyway, we had a simply delightful conversation about the wraps and what to do with them and other flavors (he's sending me some free samples of flavors I wasn't brave enough to try)  He also let me know about a special deal they had going with a slightly better price for those of us buying in quantity, so (of course) I took him up on that. I am now REALLY stocked up on Tomato Wraps, LOL.

Any my kitchen counter has never been cleaner.

[Jaguar]

Now that was delightful.

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

[NancysSummerSip]

But does Molly say to-may-to or to-mah-to? That's the real question.

[greeniis10]

82 lbs??!!  That's amazing!  And, thank you for the info re: Tomato Wraps.  I believe I need to check those out.

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 16, 2014 14:49:57 GMT -5 Ratchets said:

Congrats on your die...err...healthy eating quest, very nice!  And entertaining, at least to the rest of us .

Now we need to hear Peace Of Mind 's bikini rant (I know it wasn't your rant but don't confuse the issue with facts!) and NancysSummerSip 's biking rant!  If it makes you feel any better Nancy, a friend tripped in a race last weekend while wearing a Darth Vader suit...pictures were on the internet before the race ended !

OMG....my bike rant?! My I'm-learning-to-ride-a-real-racing-bike-with-toe-clips-if-it-kills-me" rant? Sheesh, I've hit the pavement more times than a low-end hooker at this point!

And clearly, the force was not with your friend at that race. (Yeah, even I think that's a groaner).

[NancysSummerSip]

Sept 16, 2014 15:10:34 GMT -5 Ratchets said:

Sept 16, 2014 14:54:48 GMT -5 NancysSummerSip said:

OMG....my bike rant?! My I'm-learing-to-ride-a-real-racing-bike-with-toe-clips-if-it-kills-me" rant? Sheesh, I've hit the pavement more times than a low-end hooker at this point!

And clearly, the force was not with your friend at that race. (Yeah, even I think that's a groaner).

Maybe your bike caught you "learing" at it and wanted to get even  ?

edit:  And low-end hookers have feelings too, NANCY!

Heck, I'd have to be "learing" at it. You think anyone was "learing" at a middle-aged broad in bike shorts with bloody kneecaps?

[sesfw]

I am now REALLY stocked up on Tomato Wraps,

How much sodium?

[taz157]

Sept 16, 2014 17:42:05 GMT -5 sesfw said:

I am now REALLY stocked up on Tomato Wraps,

How much sodium?

I tired to cure you and I accidentally killed you.

Also, I would like to know the sodium too.

[sesfw]

Thank you taz ..... but at least it doesn't say 'dead'. Maybe this game is over because I don't see anyone with any disease.

[Jaguar]

Actually you got back to life, yeah.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Sept 16, 2014 17:42:05 GMT -5 sesfw said:

I am now REALLY stocked up on Tomato Wraps,

How much sodium?

One tomato wrap has 25mg sodium.
One carrot wrap has 20mg sodium ... and is only 15 calories

[mmhmm]

Now carrot wraps might be something I could get into. I love a good tomato, but only raw. Carrots I'll eat any way I can get 'em!

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I had the carrot wraps with dinner .... they are decent .... but I like the tomato ones better. Then again, I've never met a tomato I didn't like ... and I'm the sort who think fries should ALWAYS be slathered drowned in ketchup! (grin)

[Wisconsin Beth]

What's the brand name of these wraps?  Maybe you should be a sales ambassador for them.

And Molly, I'm dying here.  I've got tears and I'm snorting away because my office/cube mate is about 4 feet from me.  YOu are a gifted writer.  Thank you.

Plus, I refuse to believe you had 82 extra pounds to lose.  My mental picture of you is about 5 feet 4 inches and 130 or so.  With gorgeous reddish hair.  I have no idea why that's how I picture you but it is. 

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Beth ... here's the Amazon link. The brand is GemWraps. smile.amazon.com/NewGem-Foods-LLC-GemWraps%C2%AE-Sandwich/dp/B00KNDX9ES/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1410974301&sr=1-1&keywords=tomato+wraps

For the record, I'm 49.5 years old (as of today), with very short auburn hair, and I'm 5'9" tall. I have brown eyes, and paid a gazillion dollars for high definition trifocals that I still have to take off to read fine print, lol.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Well, I got the hair part right. 

Hmm, wonder if DH would eat the wraps.  He's sort of soy free.  MIght have to try them anyway. 

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

I've discovered, with a growing sense of amusement, that SOME people are pretty clueless when it comes to how to comment on (and hopefully compliment) someone who APPEARS to have lost a significant amount of weight. I can say, with my vast years of wisdom (snort) and finesse (double snort) and tact (triple snort), that it's probably BEST to just enthusiastically exclaim "Hey, don't you look great!" with a big smile ... and then leave it at that.

I was in the check-out line of our local independent grocery store the other day, when the store's only male cashier blurted out, "Hey, didn't you used to be a lot fatter?"  As I was staring at him and attempting to frame an appropriate reply, the older female cashier standing next to him turned around and just WALLOPED the CRAP out of him. Seriously, it was a textbook "smack upside the head" that was both startling, decisive, and loud. "THWACK!"  He ducked and turned around slowly and she announced "Don't ever say things like that to a customer. Or to a woman. EVER AGAIN."  He stared at her, wide-eyed. I stared at her, wide-eyed. I'm rarely speechless, but I decided to proceed cautiously since I didn't want to do anything to get the poor guy gob-smacked again on my account. Finally, I just smiled at him and said pleasantly, "Yes, I used to be a lot fatter."  He smiled back, bagged my groceries, and was last seen fleeing toward the meat department at the back of the store.

The guy in the feed store where we buy bird seed and squirrel peanuts was just as enthusiastic and complimentary, if a bit more profane. "HOLY SH*T! You've lost a TON of WEIGHT!" I just smiled, thanked him, and resisted the urge to correct him that it wasn't a TON of weight. Since no one got smacked by this outburst (though his wife looked mildly horrified and muttered a quiet "Oh my God"), I just smiled and said, "Yep, I have." And bought my bird seed.  As I left the store, I did see her slug him in the upper arm out of the corner of my eye. I've come to realize that there's something about commenting out loud on women's weight seems to set off some weirdly violent tendencies in some women. (For the record, I have not yet felt the urge to smack my wonderful DH for this, but he does tend to more judicious in his always-complimentary and encouraging statements when I'm "eating healthy.")

I do think that some people are just better at compliments, conversation and small talk than others.... and I've decided to just accept all comments as well-intentioned compliments (regardless of how well-phrased, or how well-intended they actually may be.) Frankly, I'm not at all freaked out by hearing the word "Fat." Why? Because I AM Fat. I'm also fair-skinned. And auburn-haired. And freckled. And sarcastic. If someone were to refer to me as the "Snarky red-headed fat chick driving the yellow Mustang" .... I'd say that's a fairly accurate description, actually. Do I use words like "chubby"? Yep, sometimes. And Flabby. And Grouchy. And Snarky. And Perky. In fact, I'm my own Seven Dwarves some of my more menopausal days  ~ Chubby, Sweaty, Grouchy, Snarky, Perky, Psycho and Fat. Yep, I'm a walking Thesaurus.

And I'm not as fat as I used to be.

[Jaguar]

I know what your talking about, been there, done that, lost the t-shirt.

[greeniis10]

Good attitude as far as compliments!  That is one of those tough ones.  I've always been told to say something similar to what you mentioned, "You look great!".  But I even dislike that because then it implies that you (general "you"; to whomever you are complimenting) didn't look great previously.

LOVE the reaction of the other cashier to the male "complimentor", however!  He learned his lesson.  As well as the other guy who received a slug on the arm from his wife.  I'm sure this leaves guys in quite a state of confusion, however.  They think they are doing the right thing by noticing the weight loss, but the way they go about it could use a little more work.

[Peace Of Mind]

Sept 17, 2014 12:57:30 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

I've discovered, with a growing sense of amusement, that SOME people are pretty clueless when it comes to how to comment on (and hopefully compliment) someone who APPEARS to have lost a significant amount of weight. I can say, with my vast years of wisdom (snort) and finesse (double snort) and tact (triple snort), that it's probably BEST to just enthusiastically exclaim "Hey, don't you look great!" with a big smile ... and then leave it at that.

I was in the check-out line of our local independent grocery store the other day, when the store's only male cashier blurted out, "Hey, didn't you used to be a lot fatter?"  As I was staring at him and attempting to frame an appropriate reply, the older female cashier standing next to him turned around and just WALLOPED the CRAP out of him. Seriously, it was a textbook "smack upside the head" that was both startling, decisive, and loud. "THWACK!"  He ducked and turned around slowly and she announced "Don't ever say things like that to a customer. Or to a woman. EVER AGAIN."  He stared at her, wide-eyed. I stared at her, wide-eyed. I'm rarely speechless, but I decided to proceed cautiously since I didn't want to do anything to get the poor guy gob-smacked again on my account. Finally, I just smiled at him and said pleasantly, "Yes, I used to be a lot fatter."  He smiled back, bagged my groceries, and was last seen fleeing toward the meat department at the back of the store.

The guy in the feed store where we buy bird seed and squirrel peanuts was just as enthusiastic and complimentary, if a bit more profane. "HOLY SH*T! You've lost a TON of WEIGHT!" I just smiled, thanked him, and resisted the urge to correct him that it wasn't a TON of weight. Since no one got smacked by this outburst (though his wife looked mildly horrified and muttered a quiet "Oh my God"), I just smiled and said, "Yep, I have." And bought my bird seed.  As I left the store, I did see her slug him in the upper arm out of the corner of my eye. I've come to realize that there's something about commenting out loud on women's weight seems to set off some weirdly violent tendencies in some women. (For the record, I have not yet felt the urge to smack my wonderful DH for this, but he does tend to more judicious in his always-complimentary and encouraging statements when I'm "eating healthy.")

I do think that some people are just better at compliments, conversation and small talk than others.... and I've decided to just accept all comments as well-intentioned compliments (regardless of how well-phrased, or how well-intended they actually may be.) Frankly, I'm not at all freaked out by hearing the word "Fat." Why? Because I AM Fat. I'm also fair-skinned. And auburn-haired. And freckled. And sarcastic. If someone were to refer to me as the "Snarky red-headed fat chick driving the yellow Mustang" .... I'd say that's a fairly accurate description, actually. Do I use words like "chubby"? Yep, sometimes. And Flabby. And Grouchy. And Snarky. And Perky. In fact, I'm my own Seven Dwarves some of my more menopausal days  ~ Chubby, Sweaty, Grouchy, Snarky, Perky, Psycho and Fat. Yep, I'm a walking Thesaurus.

And I'm not as fat as I used to be.

LMAO!!! So somebody saying "Did you lose a TON of weight?!" shouldn't be said to somebody who's lost weight especially when they only needed to lose a few pounds?    

I forgot to say that you are awesome for staying on your healthy eating quest and losing the weight you wanted to lose. I thought the amount you lost was a typo because back when I had FB you didn't look like you could afford to lose a TON of weight without dying.