nutty
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Post by nutty on Sept 13, 2014 15:05:51 GMT -5
Gotcha Chloe, I actually just realized I was a teen mom but I meant as a former parent of teens. Mine are 20 and 22, I am glad it's over. Son gave fewer problems than daughter, I am surprised she is alive
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 13, 2014 15:11:09 GMT -5
He got caught...most kids don't. ... Which suggests the question for Chloe, "Has your daughter smoked weed or been given a ride by someone who has?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 16:36:50 GMT -5
The friend got caught. A new friend, since they just moved. Did he gravitate towards those in possession? How has he been fitting in ?
I'd listen. I'd give him a chance to explain. I'd watch closely.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 13, 2014 16:39:59 GMT -5
Is disagree. It's YOUR daughter. You don't have to "give him a chance", nor do you have to listen to any explanation. And, if your gut is telling you NO, then it should be no. What if your daughter is caught with him and he has drugs? What if he introduces her to drugs? What if he is driving under the influence. You don't have to give him any chances whatsoever to impact your daughter in that way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 16:42:36 GMT -5
Why listen? Because daughter wants to date him. Because of all the reasons everyone said regarding parents appearing unreasonable and making a relationship taboo.
He could very well be none of those things... Don't know till you hear him out/ get to know him...
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 13, 2014 16:45:38 GMT -5
I am not telling her she HAS to do anything one way or the other. She isnt' wrong if she chooses to NOT allow her daughter to pursue this as well. He might be a perfectly great kid who made a mistake. Whether or not she wants to find that out is up to her. At this point, she didn't so I don't think she needs to be scolded into it.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 13, 2014 17:29:52 GMT -5
I am not telling her she HAS to do anything one way or the other. She isnt' wrong if she chooses to NOT allow her daughter to pursue this as well. He might be a perfectly great kid who made a mistake. Whether or not she wants to find that out is up to her. At this point, she didn't so I don't think she needs to be scolded into it. ... Whatever you've got, I'll appreciate.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 13, 2014 17:31:39 GMT -5
In a small town everyone knows everything. He may be looking at your daughter because everyone else's daughter has been told to stay away. His mom doesn't like her boy being shunned. Not your problem but I would give them both a chance to explain without your daughter being home and when your DH is. Or you and your DH go to their house. Might give you a better idea of what goes on there as well. Considering she practically stalked you, I might just "drop in" on her. I used to do that to tenants as part of my screening process. There was always some paper I "forgot" to give them. If the place was a trashed disaster, no way would I rent to them. If it just was messy and full of boxes for a move, it's all good. I'm sure in a small town you know the cops and the teachers as well or at least the admins. Someone can give you more info. Plus, if you know where he is from, you can get info from there.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Sept 13, 2014 18:12:44 GMT -5
Just because she is interested doesn't mean you should go out of your way to try to bring them together. Maybe he is your future SIL. Who knows? My biggest concern would be another DUI situation. Lots of kids try pot. But I don't think you are wrong to take a step back and think about it
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 18:21:16 GMT -5
Another thought.
It's possible he's blameless. It's possible he's made a mistake. It's possible he's a chronic a user that is no good.
Its unlikely your daughter thinks it's the last one.
If daughter sees that you won't listen won't consider, that you are completely intolerant of a mistake... That puts pressure on her. Not to make a mistake... At least one that you are privy to... It also means that, instead of talking to you should a problem occur, she is much more likely to keep it to herself.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 13, 2014 19:43:58 GMT -5
I know that's shocking news. Any way, 16yo dd wants to date a boy who was cited for MIP last month. The boy wants to meet with DH to explain his side of the story. DH isn't interested. The boy's mom tried to talk to us at the high school football game last night. We declined to do so in such a public setting. She didn't appreciate that. I dont know if I'm just venting or asking for advice or looking for sympathy. Whatever you've got, I'll appreciate. what is mip? Minor in Possession.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 20:05:23 GMT -5
Thanks for the conversation everyone.
It's been an interesting week with this. At first, she was texting a boy she met at running camp. She told Running Camp Boy that a boy at school was trying to kiss her and would block her from getting by. One of us reads her text messages every night, so that's how we first heard of this. When we asked her about it, she said she had it under control. She didn't want to date him because she knew that wasn't a good situation. Then, I was at her school's Open House, and one of the teachers pulled me aside and said he saw them kissing in the hall way that day. He asked her if her parents knew about that because he knew we wouldn't be thrilled. We talked to her about it. While I didn't forbid it, DH was visibly upset. He's terrified that she's going to ruin her potential life. She again stated she knew he wasn't a good person for her to be around and that she needed help in how to say no to him. She told us that MIP Boy wanted to talk to DH about what happened and just explain it all. Well, if DD doesn't want to date him anyway, there's no need for MIP Boy to talk to DH. Wednesday after school, DD confirmed with MIP Boy that she didn't want anything more than friendship with MIP Boy. However, the way she explained what she said, I don't think she was very assertive and gave the impression that it was a parental decision and not her own decision. Then, we got to the Friday night football game that I explained.
Anyway, I do realize that forbidding all contact doesn't cognitively work with a teenager especially when they have two classes together.
I absolutely agree that creating the impression that making a mistake is unacceptable is not good parenting. My father literally had a bronze, engraved plaque that read "anything less than perfection is failure". My junior year of HS, I earned a C in calculus. That was complete failure in my childhood home. So, my senior year, I completely unraveled. When I graduated HS, I was three months pregnant with my now 16yo baby. When I was 25, my dad apologized for that parenting philosophy; it's been a difficult recovery process.
DH and I don't disagree on parenting too often. We do with this situation.
In regard to the question "Has your daughter smoked weed or been given a ride by someone who has?" While, I cannot guaruntee 100%, I can at 99%. They (both girls) aren't allowed to go anywhere without our knowledge. They are respectful of that. Could they have done that at their bio dad's house? I suppose. They really are good kids though and would not risk my wrath to do that. And while I realize in 95% of situations, teenagers can sneak off without their parents' knowledge, it really is almost impossible for them. It's a small town, and everyone tells DH or me everything. We'd find out immediately if they weren't in class because the teachers work for DH. DH coaches the 16yo's XC team. We track their cell phones with an app. Our schedules are full and structured. We are 15 months until DD#1 turning 18 though, and her free will is coming out more and more. I am aware that I've had it easy until now with her mostly decent behavior.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 20:10:22 GMT -5
I'd be concerned he seems aggressive and she seems at a loss with deflecting it. I'd keep an eye on it. Also maybe a self defense class?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 20:14:40 GMT -5
Wow. You have a heck of a lot more control of your 16 yr old than I had.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 20:24:17 GMT -5
Or, just devils advocate, maybe not. Is it possible this is rebellion against the constant eyes, the 'preachers kid' syndrome... And she's not being completely truthful?
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justme
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Post by justme on Sept 13, 2014 20:26:39 GMT -5
Ok, I would talk to your daughter. Completely impartial and ask what she wants to do. My parents always told me to use them as excuse not to do something if my friends wouldn't listen to me saying no. From what you just posted, she MAY be using you as an easy way to turn him down. If that's the case, you need to know so you can handle this right and be there to back her up and play the bad guy.
But I would make sure to go into it asking what she wants you to do. No judgment, no pushing her one way. Since she could be blowing the proverbial smoke up your ass saying she can't make him stay away.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 20:31:36 GMT -5
Her loss at deflecting the attention is tricky. She's been boy crazy since fifth grade. She likes the attention. I do think he was more aggressive than any other boy, and that made her nervous. That's why we role-played the other night. I'm not sure it was successful though.
Yes, I'd say there's a truthfulness issue here. She may have been lying to Running Camp Boy to get attention from him. She may have been lying to us that she didn't want to date him.
I don't know if I have more control or if I have naturally obedient kids. Not that I did something as a parent to be make them more obedient, just that that's innate with us (because I was that way also as a child). Being a helicopter mom isn't fun. Just how I've approached it. They very well may need years of therapy in their 20s.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 20:34:32 GMT -5
Ok, I would talk to your daughter. Completely impartial and ask what she wants to do. My parents always told me to use them as excuse not to do something if my friends wouldn't listen to me saying no. From what you just posted, she MAY be using you as an easy way to turn him down. If that's the case, you need to know so you can handle this right and be there to back her up and play the bad guy. But I would make sure to go into it asking what she wants you to do. No judgment, no pushing her one way. Since she could be blowing the proverbial smoke up your ass saying she can't make him stay away. Yes, I agree that talking to her is the next step. She's giving everyone mixed messages. We do that also as parents--blame us. However, that back fired this time, because MIP Boy turned it around and said he'd go talk to DH.
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 13, 2014 20:51:02 GMT -5
From one mother of a teen to another...
There are some really positive things here: - You and your DH are on the same page and can be a consistent, united front. - Your DDs are really good kids. - There may be more to Romeo's story or there may not be, but (maybe) I'm going to give his mom the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just awkwardly trying to take advantage of bumping into you guys and trying to build a bridge between you at the football game, not stalking you or plotting to get into a soap opera discussion at the game. The plus is that it looks like Romeo may have a caring, concerned mom who's involved enough in his life to know what he does, who he likes, etc. She may be socially inept or have different sensibilities about what she's OK with discussing where, but the fact that he does have a caring parent that's involved IMHO means he's much more likely to learn from his brush with the law and have the potential to be an OK kid. Too soon to tell, but I think the mom reaching out is a positive sign even though you don't like the method/venue she used.
Things to consider: - It looks like there may be a pattern here. DD tells one guy that Romeo is inappropriately chasing her, then a teacher sees them kissing. DD tells you that she doesn't want to see Romeo, but from his mom's actions it appears that this is not the message Romeo received. That could all be coincidence or misunderstanding, but here's what I'd be on the lookout for as a parent as possible issues:
1) DD is a pleaser. She may not even like Romeo, but finds it hard to say "no." Because she is so intensely uncomfy with the idea of hurting or disagreeing with someone, she's vulnerable to being talked into things. This also meshes with her telling you what she knows you want to hear, but then maybe doing something different. If she's a pleaser, it might be tough for you to know what she'll actually do, because when you're talking to her she absolutely, positively honestly is telling the truth when she tells you she knows Romeo is a problem and doesn't want to see him. But that doesn't mean she won't actually see him because as a pleaser, when Romeo asks, she'll have a hard time hurting him by saying no.
2) DD is still forming and is a good kid but may be struggling with that common teen ailment - truth deficit syndrome. Not fatal and doesn't mean she's doomed, just means your job is going to be tougher. It doesn't look like she was very truthful with Running Camp Friend, it doesn't look like she was very truthful with Romeo and/or it doesn't look like she was very truthful with you. Again, some could be misunderstanding, but with teens it may be smarter to trust what you see, not what they're telling you if you know there's a history of miscommunication/TDS.
3) It's really tough to live in a small town where everybody knows your business. It's even tougher to be a teen there when you parents work for the school system and have eyes everywhere. Between that pressure and the pressure of feeling how worried you and DH are, your daughter is feeling the type of pressure cooker environment that you describe from your childhood. It's really hard especially when you're worried, but is there anything you can do that would allay a little bit of your worst fears so that you can ease off on the visible pressure on her? This will sound very nutty, but for example, if your biggest fear is that she'll be a teen mom, it might be worth getting her Norplant or the Depo shot. (I know - I've zipped my flame retardant suit up!) She's quickly getting to the age when you will not be able to keep as tight a control over her and knowing that at least teen pregnancy is off the table would be one less thing to freak about. Yes, there are many other things to worry about here and some may be preventable, but see if there are at least a few things you can do to try to tone down the stress and pressure on all of you so that she's making decisions because she wants to not out of a rebound or resistance to the constant pressure she feels.
Good luck, this is tough.
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milee
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Post by milee on Sept 13, 2014 20:52:38 GMT -5
Or, just devils advocate, maybe not. Is it possible this is rebellion against the constant eyes, the 'preachers kid' syndrome... And she's not being completely truthful? We were typing at the same time - mine took a while because I'm also doing other stuff, but I think that's a big possibility here.
I'm hoping that Chloe and DH can find a way to reduce the pressure so that DD can be making decisions based on what she wants not just reacting to a very high pressure, high stress environment.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 13, 2014 21:04:44 GMT -5
Maybe because I spend my days with criminals, I'm underwhelmed at the thought of a kid being caught with some weed. Not good, but not fatal either. I'd want to listen to what the kid has to say.
And,there were times I was the kid with the weed. As well as an honor student and star athlete. I just never got caught.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 21:10:34 GMT -5
From one mother of a teen to another...
There are some really positive things here: - You and your DH are on the same page and can be a consistent, united front. - Your DDs are really good kids. - There may be more to Romeo's story or there may not be, but (maybe) I'm going to give his mom the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was just awkwardly trying to take advantage of bumping into you guys and trying to build a bridge between you at the football game, not stalking you or plotting to get into a soap opera discussion at the game. The plus is that it looks like Romeo may have a caring, concerned mom who's involved enough in his life to know what he does, who he likes, etc. She may be socially inept or have different sensibilities about what she's OK with discussing where, but the fact that he does have a caring parent that's involved IMHO means he's much more likely to learn from his brush with the law and have the potential to be an OK kid. Too soon to tell, but I think the mom reaching out is a positive sign even though you don't like the method/venue she used.
Things to consider: - It looks like there may be a pattern here. DD tells one guy that Romeo is inappropriately chasing her, then a teacher sees them kissing. DD tells you that she doesn't want to see Romeo, but from his mom's actions it appears that this is not the message Romeo received. That could all be coincidence or misunderstanding, but here's what I'd be on the lookout for as a parent as possible issues:
1) DD is a pleaser. She may not even like Romeo, but finds it hard to say "no." Because she is so intensely uncomfy with the idea of hurting or disagreeing with someone, she's vulnerable to being talked into things. This also meshes with her telling you what she knows you want to hear, but then maybe doing something different. If she's a pleaser, it might be tough for you to know what she'll actually do, because when you're talking to her she absolutely, positively honestly is telling the truth when she tells you she knows Romeo is a problem and doesn't want to see him. But that doesn't mean she won't actually see him because as a pleaser, when Romeo asks, she'll have a hard time hurting him by saying no.
2) DD is still forming and is a good kid but may be struggling with that common teen ailment - truth deficit syndrome. Not fatal and doesn't mean she's doomed, just means your job is going to be tougher. It doesn't look like she was very truthful with Running Camp Friend, it doesn't look like she was very truthful with Romeo and/or it doesn't look like she was very truthful with you. Again, some could be misunderstanding, but with teens it may be smarter to trust what you see, not what they're telling you if you know there's a history of miscommunication/TDS.
3) It's really tough to live in a small town where everybody knows your business. It's even tougher to be a teen there when you parents work for the school system and have eyes everywhere. Between that pressure and the pressure of feeling how worried you and DH are, your daughter is feeling the type of pressure cooker environment that you describe from your childhood. It's really hard especially when you're worried, but is there anything you can do that would allay a little bit of your worst fears so that you can ease off on the visible pressure on her? This will sound very nutty, but for example, if your biggest fear is that she'll be a teen mom, it might be worth getting her Norplant or the Depo shot. (I know - I've zipped my flame retardant suit up!) She's quickly getting to the age when you will not be able to keep as tight a control over her and knowing that at least teen pregnancy is off the table would be one less thing to freak about. Yes, there are many other things to worry about here and some may be preventable, but see if there are at least a few things you can do to try to tone down the stress and pressure on all of you so that she's making decisions because she wants to not out of a rebound or resistance to the constant pressure she feels.
Good luck, this is tough. Thanks for the hug and for taking the time to write all of that. For #1, I hadn't really thought about it that way before. I'll have to process that. Except for being boy crazy since fifth grade, she's a mini-me, so it kind of makes sense. For #3, no flaming from me. I've thought about it before. I brought it up to DH probably 18 months ago. He was ticked at me for even suggesting it. Once he found his center, he agreed that I could do something in regard to birth control for her, but that he didn't want to know about it.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 21:12:37 GMT -5
Maybe because I spend my days with criminals, I'm underwhelmed at the thought of a kid being caught with some weed. Not good, but not fatal either. I'd want to listen to what the kid has to say. And, there were times I was the kid with the weed. As well as an honor student and star athlete. I just never got caught. It' probably partly because you spend your days with criminals, but it's also that combined with my reaction based on my naive and sheltered life. I still wouldn't even know how to get or do anything illegal.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 13, 2014 21:18:17 GMT -5
They could also be using Snapchat. No record.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 13, 2014 21:24:24 GMT -5
... When we asked her about it, she said she had it under control. She didn't want to date him ... ... 16yo dd wants to date a boy who was cited for MIP last month. ...
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 21:25:48 GMT -5
I've never heard of someone checking a teen's text messages every night. How do you know they haven't deleted some of them? FWIW, I have boys so maybe girls are different? I can catch it when she does that. There's the number of total texts not comparing to the amount in that day. She has been known to delete individual texts, and it's obvious that part of the conversation is missing. She then loses the phone for whatever amount of time I decide.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 21:27:41 GMT -5
They could also be using Snapchat. No record. Yeah, that was a battle that we hated. Boys sending mildly inappropriate pictures. Goodness know if she was sending her own. Sheesh. After a year of trying to let her have it, we finally just deleted it and changed her apple ID password. She cannot download anything onto her phone without me putting her password in.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Sept 13, 2014 21:30:38 GMT -5
... When we asked her about it, she said she had it under control. She didn't want to date him ... ... 16yo dd wants to date a boy who was cited for MIP last month. ... I started with OP (which is what the second quote is from) being just about where it stood Friday night. The first quote is what she told us on Tuesday. On Friday, after I took her out of the high school, she cried and cried and said "but I do like him!" I've decided to wait until tomorrow (Sunday) to talk to her again. We've had a pleasant day, and I don't want to ruin it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2014 21:31:31 GMT -5
Wow. Hmmm. Is that to exercise control over her speech or minimize electronic footprints?
To to me that level of monitoring belies a claim of trust. I myself would not have responded positively.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Sept 13, 2014 21:35:40 GMT -5
I started with OP (which is what the second quote is from) being just about where it stood Friday night. The first quote is what she told us on Tuesday. On Friday, after I took her out of the high school, she cried and cried and said "but I do like him!" I've decided to wait until tomorrow (Sunday) to talk to her again. We've had a pleasant day, and I don't want to ruin it. Thanks for the clarification.
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