Daycare lady/neighbor rant --UPDATE post #81

[Lizard Queen]

I've said many times how great my regular daycare lady is.  I feel good dropping my kids off there, and they are always pretty darn content when I pick them up.  Sometimes they barely notice I'm even there!  I find that to be a good thing--that they're happy.

So, she had knee surgery and needed to take a couple weeks off, which turned into 3 weeks altogether.  My kitty-corner neighbor runs a daycare, and she seemed nice enough, as well as convenient, so we asked her to fill in.  She went on and on about how she's been taking care of kids for 30 years, and how she normally doesn't do temporary arrangements, but she'd make an exception for us since we're neighbors, and maybe she could continue to watch them sometimes in the future if we needed it, or if I found a full-time job. We did tell her in the beginning that this was just for a couple of weeks while the regular sitter was out of commission. It made me feel a little weird, like we were putting her out in some way even though she isn't watching many kids right now.  It seems to me that would be a mutually beneficial arrangement more than her doing us a huge favor and all.  She gave us a $20 break for each kid, since we were neighbors, which was still higher than our regular sitter, but we were okay with that for a temporary thing.

DH and I both said she reminded us of the Kindergarten teacher that puts paste on her eyelids in an Adam Sandler movie.

She had a bunch of particular rules that were a little weird to us, but she'd been doing daycare for quite a while so I guess I could understand it somewhat.  I expected my kids to love it there, since she has the kids outside a lot more often than their regular sitter.  That enthusiasm lasted *maybe* 2 days.  DS1 seemed a bit sad when I picked him up.  DS2 was a wreck when I brought him home, and clingy as soon as I picked him up (this is unusual--he's the adventurous one).  Both were really thirsty and hungry when I brought them home, even though they got home a little earlier than normal due to the close location.

Within a few hours of their first day, she sent us a few texts saying how we were phenomenal parents, and she said the kids were "a dream".  Maybe some people would be flattered, but I was weirded out by that.  She knows this by meeting my kids for a few hours?  Really?  They're behaving so well because you're new to them, lady.  Wouldn't somebody who's so familiar with kids realize that?  I also was kind of weirded out because she was judging my parenting.  Is that really her place?  I don't think so.

(lots more...to be continued...I just need to get this off my chest)

[The Captain]

Jul 22, 2014 12:27:46 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I've said many times how great my regular daycare lady is.  I feel good dropping my kids off there, and they are always pretty darn content when I pick them up.  Sometimes they barely notice I'm even there!  I find that to be a good thing--that they're happy.

So, she had knee surgery and needed to take a couple weeks off, which turned into 3 weeks altogether.  My kitty-corner neighbor runs a daycare, and she seemed nice enough, as well as convenient, so we asked her to fill in.  She went on and on about how she's been taking care of kids for 30 years, and how she normally doesn't do temporary arrangements, but she'd make an exception for us since we're neighbors, and maybe she could continue to watch them sometimes in the future if we needed it, or if I found a full-time job. We did tell her in the beginning that this was just for a couple of weeks while the regular sitter was out of commission. It made me feel a little weird, like we were putting her out in some way even though she isn't watching many kids right now.  It seems to me that would be a mutually beneficial arrangement more than her doing us a huge favor and all.  She gave us a $20 break for each kid, since we were neighbors, which was still higher than our regular sitter, but we were okay with that for a temporary thing.

DH and I both said she reminded us of the Kindergarten teacher that puts paste on her eyelids in an Adam Sandler movie.

She had a bunch of particular rules that were a little weird to us, but she'd been doing daycare for quite a while so I guess I could understand it somewhat.  I expected my kids to love it there, since she has the kids outside a lot more often than their regular sitter.  That enthusiasm lasted *maybe* 2 days.  DS1 seemed a bit sad when I picked him up.  DS2 was a wreck when I brought him home, and clingy as soon as I picked him up (this is unusual--he's the adventurous one).  Both were really thirsty and hungry when I brought them home, even though they got home a little earlier than normal due to the close location.

Within a few hours of their first day, she sent us a few texts saying how we were phenomenal parents, and she said the kids were "a dream".  Maybe some people would be flattered, but I was weirded out by that.  She knows this by meeting my kids for a few hours?  Really?  They're behaving so well because you're new to them, lady.  Wouldn't somebody who's so familiar with kids realize that?  I also was kind of weirded out because she was judging my parenting.  Is that really her place?  I don't think so.

(lots more...to be continued...I just need to get this off my chest)

Milizard - I believe you have two duplicate threads on the same topic. Would you like me to delete one of them for you?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Part of the "problem" may be that she's also your neighbor that you appear to have at least something of a relationship with outside of babysitting. She may view your interactions as a lot less formal than your normal babysitter does since "we're neighbors and all".

So to her commenting that your phenomenal parents is probably one neighbor talking to another. To you it's weird because you're viewing it thru a business lens.

That's the tricky part about using people we know personally in business arrangements.

I would talk to her about them being really hungry/thirsty.

Not sure about behavior because Gwen has been going to the same daycare for 4 years but will have days where I am having to peel her off my leg. I know it's not an issue with the daycare itself because I know the daycare. Is this maybe due to the unfamiliarity of the new babysitter and her home? Kids on average take about 2 weeks to adjust to a new routine. I wouldn't automatically jump to there's something wrong with the arrangement.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah the hungry and thirsty stood out for me.  But then again, my kids are at my Mom's for a chunk of this summer.  I get there to pick them up around 430ish and they're starving the second they see me.  And I know damn well Mom feeds them and keeps water bottle for them in the fridge so it's not that she's not feeding/watering them. 

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 12:32:12 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Jul 22, 2014 12:27:46 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Milizard - I believe you have two duplicate threads on the same topic. Would you like me to delete one of them for you?

Yes, please do.  Sorry about that.

[The Captain]

Jul 22, 2014 13:02:17 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Jul 22, 2014 12:32:12 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Milizard - I believe you have two duplicate threads on the same topic. Would you like me to delete one of them for you?

Yes, please do.  Sorry about that.

No worries, done!

I'm with the other posters and wouldn't be too freaked out.  Sounds like she's trying to butter you up to keep the business!

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 12:57:32 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Part of the "problem" may be that she's also your neighbor that you appear to have at least something of a relationship with outside of babysitting. She may view your interactions as a lot less formal than your normal babysitter does since "we're neighbors and all".

So to her commenting that your phenomenal parents is probably one neighbor talking to another. To you it's weird because you're viewing it thru a business lens.

That's the tricky part about using people we know personally in business arrangements.

I would talk to her about them being really hungry/thirsty.

Not sure about behavior because Gwen has been going to the same daycare for 4 years but will have days where I am having to peel her off my leg. I know it's not an issue with the daycare itself because I know the daycare. Is this maybe due to the unfamiliarity of the new babysitter and her home? Kids on average take about 2 weeks to adjust to a new routine. I wouldn't automatically jump to there's something wrong with the arrangement.

Maybe, but we've only talked to her once or twice in the 7 years we've lived here.  I wasn't looking to become besties with her or anything. You're probably right, but she's the one with the business, so it would seem that she should be the one more likely to look at it through a business lens?

They ended up going there for 2-3 days per week for 3 weeks total.  They are back at the regular sitter this week.  DS2 was starting fighting me like crazy when I was putting him into the carseat in the morning.  (I dropped them off in the van in the morning, and would walk over and pick them up in the afternoon.)  He was already better this morning after going to the regular sitter again.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You're probably right, but she's the one with the business, so it would seem that she should be the one more likely to look at it through a business lens?

You'd be surprised.

And the majority of people in the world do not stop to think about every single sentence they utter and how other people will interpret it. It may not have even occurred to her that you would find it weird/off putting for her to compliment you on your parenting.

Sounds like your kids and you just didn't gel with her. Which happens you're not going to be a perfect fit with every babysitter/teacher and neither will your kids.

But since it's done and over with I really wouldn't waste time analyzing it. It doesn't sound like your kids were harmed or anything, it just wasn't the kind of set-up you/the kids prefer. Now that you know that if you need to find temporary babysitters again you know not to pick your neighbor.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 13:00:29 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yeah the hungry and thirsty stood out for me.  But then again, my kids are at my Mom's for a chunk of this summer.  I get there to pick them up around 430ish and they're starving the second they see me.  And I know damn well Mom feeds them and keeps water bottle for them in the fridge so it's not that she's not feeding/watering them. 

I figured that it was due to running around outside a lot, but it was more than that.  DH said he'd always ask what DS1 had for lunch.  At the rugular sitter, DS always told him, but DS wouldn't tell him at this one.  I don't think she was starving them or anything.  My kids don't realize they are hungry until you sit them down and stick food in front of them.  There are certain things neither will eat regardless.  DS1 has never liked carrots since he was a baby.  I actually thought he was allergic to them, and this lady fed them carrot sticks.  Obviously, a perfectly acceptable snack, but useless when your kids won't eat them.  We normally send them to daycare with snacks and their drinks (although we don't have to), but this lady didn't want us to, so we didn't.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 13:08:59 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Jul 22, 2014 13:02:17 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Yes, please do.  Sorry about that.

No worries, done!

I'm with the other posters and wouldn't be too freaked out.  Sounds like she's trying to butter you up to keep the business!

Oh, it gets much worse, but I'm trying to study for a test at the same time, so I'm breaking up the story a bit.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 13:14:31 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

You're probably right, but she's the one with the business, so it would seem that she should be the one more likely to look at it through a business lens?

You'd be surprised.

And the majority of people in the world do not stop to think about every single sentence they utter and how other people will interpret it. It may not have even occurred to her that you would find it weird/off putting for her to compliment you on your parenting.

Sounds like your kids and you just didn't gel with her. Which happens you're not going to be a perfect fit with every babysitter/teacher and neither will your kids.

But since it's done and over with I really wouldn't waste time analyzing it. It doesn't sound like your kids were harmed or anything, it just wasn't the kind of set-up you/the kids prefer. Now that you know that if you need to find temporary babysitters again you know not to pick your neighbor.

I agree.  I think that it was just a difficult adjustment, and I had a few other problems with her that I let go.  I was just waiting to get them back to their normal routine.  Now that they're back, they're happy and normal again.

[Wisconsin Beth]

You might give it another day or so and then try to get some more feedback from the older one.  Maybe phrase it as asking for help in determining why they weren't happy there but are happy at the current/old sitter's?  Or on how to help you determine what they consider a good sitter to be.  Something that not going to stress him out or make him think you're going to change sitters.  I also don't remember how old your kids are. 

My boy is 4.5 and he's not thrilled about going to VBS this week but he can't/won't explain why to us.  We know there's nothing going on as DD is there, BIL is there and FIL is there and one of them would spill the beans. 

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 13:30:58 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

You might give it another day or so and then try to get some more feedback from the older one.  Maybe phrase it as asking for help in determining why they weren't happy there but are happy at the current/old sitter's?  Or on how to help you determine what they consider a good sitter to be.  Something that not going to stress him out or make him think you're going to change sitters.  I also don't remember how old your kids are. 

My boy is 4.5 and he's not thrilled about going to VBS this week but he can't/won't explain why to us.  We know there's nothing going on as DD is there, BIL is there and FIL is there and one of them would spill the beans. 

My boys are 21 months and 4.  I tried to ask the 4 yo, and he was pretty diplomatic about it.  He said he likes the regular sitter "a little bit better".  He also likes to bring some of his toys and cars with him, which neighbor lady didn't allow.  Just another one of her quirky rules that I'm sure makes life easier for her, but it was hard on DS.

I think it was just a combination of little things, but it made my 4 yo really whiney and act our at night as well.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Yeah that makes it harder. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

another one of her quirky rules that I'm sure makes life easier for her, but it was hard on DS

IDK if it's really all that quirky. Every daycare center I looked at would prefer your kid not bring personal items with them unless it's for show & tell. One reason is it can be distracting for the other kids, especially if it's something like a Gameboy and the second reason is they don't want parents trying to hold them responsible if the toy goes missing or gets damaged.

 

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 22, 2014 13:43:55 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Jul 22, 2014 13:30:58 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

You might give it another day or so and then try to get some more feedback from the older one.  Maybe phrase it as asking for help in determining why they weren't happy there but are happy at the current/old sitter's?  Or on how to help you determine what they consider a good sitter to be.  Something that not going to stress him out or make him think you're going to change sitters.  I also don't remember how old your kids are. 

My boy is 4.5 and he's not thrilled about going to VBS this week but he can't/won't explain why to us.  We know there's nothing going on as DD is there, BIL is there and FIL is there and one of them would spill the beans. 

My boys are 21 months and 4.  I tried to ask the 4 yo, and he was pretty diplomatic about it.  He said he likes the regular sitter "a little bit better".  He also likes to bring some of his toys and cars with him, which neighbor lady didn't allow.  Just another one of her quirky rules that I'm sure makes life easier for her, but it was hard on DS.

I think it was just a combination of little things, but it made my 4 yo really whiney and act our at night as well.

The bolded part and your son fighting you getting in the car seat when he thought he was going back (if I understood that part correctly) and them acting subdued after being there would be huge red flags to me based on your descriptions. Maybe it's just the change and maybe it's just not as fun (all those rules would imply that it's not) but as a random stranger on the internet I'M glad they are back at their regular day care!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It's hard to judge because all daycare situations are different.

I have three different sets of rules depending on what kind of daycare I pick. Centers operate on one set of rules.

If I chose home daycare it depends on how big it is. 4 kids or less the home daycare does not need to be licensed so can pretty much do as they please. More than 4 they have to operate under the state licensing rules.

So if I switch providers there are going to be a lot of things I will find "odd" until I am familiar with the rules. What works for me/my kids might not be compatible with that particular set-up.

Not saying the woman couldn't be a total weirdo, but I think it's much more likely it's a case of the OP and the kids not gelling with the temp. It's not a daycare set-up she's familiar with or would pick for her kids if she was looking for a long term replacement. Her current babysitter set-up sounds like a much better fit.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 22, 2014 13:49:10 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

another one of her quirky rules that I'm sure makes life easier for her, but it was hard on DS

IDK if it's really all that quirky. Every daycare center I looked at would prefer your kid not bring personal items with them unless it's for show & tell. One reason is it can be distracting for the other kids, especially if it's something like a Gameboy and the second reason is they don't want parents trying to hold them responsible if the toy goes missing or gets damaged.

 

Mine permits it but the kids have to put them in the cubbies until certain play times.  And we've been told not to bring items back with Cabe a lot (usually by 1 teacher and I've referenced it when Cabe's wanted to bring dubious toys into dcp and the other teachers just nod and sigh)  But overall Cabe's content there and it's only until Sept. 

ETA - if I was looking at dcp for another year, I might be looking at other places.  It's hard to say what I'd do but at this point I'm glad we're just about done. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mine would prefer they didn't but they haven't stopped me if Gwen shows up with something because they understand I don't always have time to fight her on the subject. It goes in her cubby till it's time to leave.

Gameboys/tablets seem to be the bigger problem since they are a huge distraction and other kids want to play with it. I've seen the teachers take those away when a fight breaks out.

if I was looking at dcp for another year, I might be looking at other places

Mine went thru a massive staff overturn when Pam left.    There is nothing that would cause me alarm or make me move her this second but I don't really gel with the new staff as well as I did with the previous staff members.  

Gwen is very happy there but I'm secretly glad we're moving her to public pre-school.  

Abigail will be going to our current daycare.   I thought about picking a different one but I know they all have insanely long wait lists.  I can't sit at home for 10 months till one calls.   Current daycare doesn't do wait lists and I got Abigail fast in b/c we already use them. I figure I can change my mind later if I find I am not overly thrilled with the baby/toddler staff.

[Wisconsin Beth]

With Cabe it's mainly dinosaurs.  BIG dinosaurs. 

[Lizard Queen]

...continuing...

Okay, so here's a few things that bothered me, mildly for the most part.

DS2 got a huge welt on his shoulder-blade when he was in her care.  I looked, and saw it was a bug-bite. He does tend to get welts from bug-bites.  I normally try to keep him inside when it's buggy out, and use some kid-friendly bug spray away from his face.  Neighbor lady claims this is the first year (out of 17), that she's ever seen mosquitoes in her yard.  I grew up a mile away--she's nuts.

She took the kids miniature golfing one, sunny day.  Her yard is very shady, and due to the fact she doesn't want people to bring their diaper bags there, the kids' sunscreen was not there. She did not put ANY sunscreen on them.  The kids were both sunburnt pretty bad and were absolute wrecks that night.  DS2's ear didn't get back to normal for over a week.  It was his first sunburn ever.  DS1 may have gotten mildly sunburnt once--I'm not sure.  When I'm out with them in the sun, I will stand so I am blocking the sun for them.  We are all fair-skinned, and I have reason to believe my dad's cancer started out as skin cancer.

There were a few days that topped out in the upper 60's.  One of those days, she had my kids outside in their swimtrunks, minus the tops that go with them, to play in the sprinklers.  I had told her that my kids don't dig water that much.  I don't know anyone who likes to cool off in cold water when it is only in the 60's.  There weren't other kids there that day.  DS1 told me he did not have fun that day.

DS1 learned the words "killing" and "dead" during his stay.  He was bound to learn them eventually, but I was in no hurry for it.  We have wild turkeys in some areas, and he told DH once that he didn't like it when turkeys were "flat", he liked them to be "up".  *sigh* --the loss of innocence.

So, overall, not too big of a deal, besides the sunburns.  The kids were acting up at home after coming home from there most nights, due to over-tiredness, discomfort, or hunger.  


They definitely missed their regular sitter, and I may have said something about that (that neighbor-lady overheard) as we were walking home on an occasion or two.  I could not wait to get out of town that weekend, and I couldn't wait for the kids to get back to their other baby-sitter.  It sucks to have fussy kids every single day when you bring them home.  It makes you feel bad about having them go to a sitter at all.  I never felt like that with the regular lady.

So, the last day, DH came home early from work and I was trying to get stuff ready for our trip out of town.  I asked DH to get the kids.  When he got there, he forgot that neighbor lady likes people to walk right in to get the kids (another rule), so he knocked on the door instead.  I had picked up the kids every other time.  SHe yelled at him.  She told him we were horrible people and she wouldn't watch our kids any more and to mind our own business.  (Um, we never intruded in the 7 years we lived here before??)  I walked over to try to talk to her and she didn't answer the door.  I texted her, and explained that the kids were just used to the other sitter since they went to her their entire lives.  No response.  I saw her talking to our other neighbor yesterday--pretty sure about us.  I usually just say hi to the neighbors when I see them, and that is all. So I'm not sure how to find out what is up, and whether I should even bother.

[greeniis10]

"but as a random stranger on the internet I'M glad they are back at their regular day care!" - Me too!  I try not to be an alarmist, but you should always trust your gut, especially when it comes to your kids!  If something felt weird or off, it probably was. I don't want to make any speculations as to what or why, but I too am glad your kids are happy and back to normal.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I wouldn't bother. As I mentioned before you'd be surprised at how many people can't separate business from personal. Sounds like she is one of them if she got that bent out of shape when you said they like the other sitter better.

Just let it all blow over and make a mental note that you and her don't gel as far as daycare philosophies go and scratch her off your back-up babysitter list.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I wouldn't worry about what she's saying to the neighbors.  Just keep on behaving like you always do - with her and everyone else. 

[ArchietheDragon]

Find out if she is licensed and if not, call the town until they shut her down.

[greeniis10]

I posted before your 2nd long post and yes, I think you have legitimate concerns, but thankfully it's not your problem anymore.

If you DO pursue anything, do you know the parents of the other kids she watches?  I'd be interested to hear their take.  And their kids.  Some parents aren't as in-tune to their kids as they should be and maybe she shouldn't be caring for children.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 13:52:23 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Jul 22, 2014 13:43:55 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

My boys are 21 months and 4.  I tried to ask the 4 yo, and he was pretty diplomatic about it.  He said he likes the regular sitter "a little bit better".  He also likes to bring some of his toys and cars with him, which neighbor lady didn't allow.  Just another one of her quirky rules that I'm sure makes life easier for her, but it was hard on DS.

I think it was just a combination of little things, but it made my 4 yo really whiney and act our at night as well.

The bolded part and your son fighting you getting in the car seat when he thought he was going back (if I understood that part correctly) and them acting subdued after being there would be huge red flags to me based on your descriptions. Maybe it's just the change and maybe it's just not as fun (all those rules would imply that it's not) but as a random stranger on the internet I'M glad they are back at their regular day care!

DS2 is really willful and will fight and scream just because he doesn't get his way.  For example, I have not been able to change his diaper without screams and strapping him down most of the time since he's started walking, maybe even since he started crawling.  He's sort of been in his terrible 2's since he was 13 months old.  He can't tell me what he wants with words, so he kicks, screams and acts out until I figure it out.  He's learning more words now, so it's getting a little better.  So, anyway, all I can say from his not wanting to get in the carseat is that something is not pleasing him.  It could be as mild as, he wants his ball.  I don't think he liked going there, but I don't think he was afraid of her or anything like that.  One time when I took him to the Dr. and he was afraid, and it was really obvious.  (I think he probably remembered getting shots the time before.)

[Ombud]

Mine were once on a wait list. A friend finally got her daughter in and called me that night. She said her daughter was really quieter than normal. And really really hungry. Something just didn't seem right to her so she wasn't going back. Then I got a call saying one of mine made it in and could start the next day. I decline. Two weeks later the lady was arrested for child abuse. Now I'm not saying my friend's daughter was abused or neglected, I'm just saying that sometimes little kids send off signals that something is not right when they don't have words. Maybe yours was sending signals such as:

Hungry
Thirsty
Refusing to get into car seat
Welt
Sunburn
Ear
Improperly dressed for weather

[Lizard Queen]

The thing with taking things to daycare:  it wasn't a gameboy or anything.  He sleeps with these stuffed animals, and likes to bring them with him.  He also likes his hotwheels.  He brings a little backpack with him and puts them in there.  He has ALWAYS liked to carry toys around with him, sort of like a security blanket.  His regular sitter has been trying to ease them away from him, but he had to go cold-turkey with the neighbor.

After a few days, I wondered if neighbor lady heard us scolding DS1 when he didn't listen and went down the slide, kicking DS2.  DS1 likes to deflect so he'll cry and whine really loudly when he's in trouble.  (He's actually a good little actor--he reminds me a little of Jim Carrey.)  I didn't console him because he wasn't listening and hurt his brother, and I don't want to encourage more whining in the future. You couple that with DS2's protests during diaper changes and when we put ointment on his feet, maybe she thinks we're hurting our kids?  Um yeah, we don't...ever.  Who the hell knows what she thinks?  Maybe the crying sounds bad, and now she doesn't like us because we weren't in love with her daycare methods, so she assumes the worst?

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 22, 2014 15:27:40 GMT -5 Ombud said:

Mine were once on a wait list. A friend finally got her daughter in and called me that night. She said her daughter was really quieter than normal. And really really hungry. Something just didn't seem right to her so she wasn't going back. Then I got a call saying one of mine made it in and could start the next day. I decline. Two weeks later the lady was arrested for child abuse. Now I'm not saying my friend's daughter was abused or neglected, I'm just saying that sometimes little kids send off signals that something is not right when they don't have words. Maybe yours was sending signals such as:

Hungry
Thirsty
Refusing to get into car seat
Welt
Sunburn
Ear
Improperly dressed for weather

Wow.  That's scary.  It was enough for me not to have them go back, that's for sure.