Daycare lady/neighbor rant --UPDATE post #81

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 23, 2014 14:42:58 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

It wasn't worth screeching at him about though.

I have to go thru a coded door to get into my daycare because they don't want anyone just walking in and taking kids. I would probably knock on the door at a home daycare as well rather than just walk in, especially if I am not the one that usually does pick up. I wouldn't want to alarm anyone.

She could have just told him next time he does pick-up go ahead and come on in since they're neighbors. No need to yell at him.

Yeah, our dcp has a coded door too.  Every parent has a different code. 

Our previous home dcp is watching Keria one day a week  this summer.  AMs someone meets us at the front door, they see me pulling up. Afternoons I go to the back door, rap and stick my head in and call out "hello" if the kids aren't outside, then walk in.  One of the teenagers is usually there and the girls are either in the basement or in the girls' bedroom playing.  And I let the dog out because she seems anxious when I get there.    Basically, this is what I do at my Mom's and MIL's too, minus the dog and teenager (usually.  Some days there are teenagers at my Mom's)

[Deleted]

I'm glad your regular daycare provider is available again, and that your kids don't have to go back to this nutjob. 

To be honest, after the first few days of the "different rules" and the kids being upset, and keeping ME up at night, since you always knew it was a temporary situation, I'd have stood my ground and told this woman that starting (tomorrow, next Monday, whatever) I would provide a small knapsack with snacks / their favorite (small) toys (ie no giant dinosaurs LOL) / sunscreen.

Perhaps she would have refused to continue to take them, perhaps not. With them hungry / thirsty / sunburnt / unhappy that's what I would have done. I DO know they wouldn't have died (Gd forbid) of ANY of those things, or even all of them. But at that point, I'd have wanted to show this woman "who was boss". I would think, I am paying YOU for a service, you are the provider. Packing a small bag with snacks / sunscreen is NOT an unreasonable request, so I am doing it anyway.

I'm generally very "live and let live". But if YOU tell ME I am FORBIDDEN from packing a small bag for MY kid, YOU'RE not letting ME live, and that won't go over so well with me. I'm sending a kiddie backpack, not a trunk.   

I wouldn't be worried about the gossiping. If I saw them at it, I'd probably start gossiping to / dancing with the nearest tree or plant or garden chair, but I'm weird like that. 

But I have to admit, I WOULD be VERY curious as to what had "sent her over the edge" and made her yell at my DH and decide we were "horrible parents". It would have made far more sense if she REQUIRED a knock on the door to pick up the kids, and your DH just walked in instead.

But demanding NO knock at the door, and going ballistic because your DH DID knock (ie he exercised common courtesy) makes me REALLY curious about what sent her over the edge.

[Angel!]

On the snack thing, a lot of daycares don't want snacks from home due to potential allergy issues with other kids (and jealousy issues).  It becomes more work for the provider if the other kids are crying because their mom didn't send them with marshmallows & now you have to be careful because someone's mom sent him with peanuts & another kid is an 18 months old extremely allergic to peanuts & also puts everything he touches in his mouth.

[Deleted]

Angel, I know that, and my kids' schools haven't allowed any snacks w peanuts for over 20 years. 

But my kid comes back from your daycare once, twice, three times, hungry, I'm sending a snack (w/o peanuts).

I can't force you to feed it to them, but I'm sending it anyway. 

ETA: This is a small home daycare, a few kids. I'd find the most "vanilla", hypoallergenic snack, and buy a pack or two for everybody. 

If my kid STILL comes home hungry, I'd be royally pissed off. Even though I know they will not starve to death in an afternoon LOL. 

[Deleted]

I guess my point is that the OP felt uncomfortable about a number of issues, but "jumped through hoops" to keep the peace with the daycare provider / neighbor, and the neighbor still went nuts. 

So I'm just advising the OP to hold her ground (and trust her instincts) next time, even if it's on just SOME of the issues that bothered her, rather than ALL or NONE of them. 

[Angel!]

Jul 23, 2014 17:29:57 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I guess my point is that the OP felt uncomfortable about a number of issues, but "jumped through hoops" to keep the peace with the daycare provider / neighbor, and the neighbor still went nuts. 

So I'm just advising the OP to hold her ground (and trust her instincts) next time, even if it's on just SOME of the issues that bothered her, rather than ALL or NONE of them. 

Yeah, it really sucks to have your kids going to a daycare you aren't comfortable with.  I love where all my kids go now, although I pay through the nose for the privilege

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Jul 23, 2014 8:36:00 GMT -5 Shooby said:

If you aren't comfortable, you aren't comfortable with her. That is all you need to know. But I wouldn't overblow the situation. Bug bites happen and you saw that is what it was. For sunscreen, I rarely put sunscreen on myself or my kids. I personally think that part of the reason there is so much Vit D deficiency is that we no longer expose ourselves to sunlight. But, yes, I would expect a daycare provider to think of that if they are going to be out for an extended period of time.

If you aren't going to do it for yourself, at least make sure your kids are slathered in sunscreen - it beats them developing skin cancer later on - especially now that the ozone layer is burning away even more than when you or I were young.

You do know you (and they) can get the required daily Vitamin D intake through foods right? Make your kids a few more tuna sandwiches.


Vitamin D Enriched Foods

[Deleted]

Here kids (and even adults) have to take Vit D supplements.

Both DD and I had blood work done recently (for other reasons) and we were both extremely deficient in Vit D. I took a supplement, DD refused. 

ETA: We both eat plenty (but not all) of the foods on that list.

[Shooby]

Jul 23, 2014 18:24:49 GMT -5 ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ said:

Jul 23, 2014 8:36:00 GMT -5 Shooby said:

If you aren't comfortable, you aren't comfortable with her. That is all you need to know. But I wouldn't overblow the situation. Bug bites happen and you saw that is what it was. For sunscreen, I rarely put sunscreen on myself or my kids. I personally think that part of the reason there is so much Vit D deficiency is that we no longer expose ourselves to sunlight. But, yes, I would expect a daycare provider to think of that if they are going to be out for an extended period of time.

If you aren't going to do it for yourself, at least make sure your kids are slathered in sunscreen - it beats them developing skin cancer later on - especially now that the ozone layer is burning away even more than when you or I were young.

You do know you (and they) can get the required daily Vitamin D intake through foods right? Make your kids a few more tuna sandwiches.


Vitamin D Enriched Foods

I think I can parent my kids without your unsolicited advice thanks so much!

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

I think you can too - I wasn't even questioning your parenting - or trying to give "unsolicited advice".

I was more concerned that you think the kids need to have their skin fully exposed to the UV rays to get their daily dose of Vit D. They can still get their sunshine - and they can still play for hours on end outdoors if they want - but their skin NEEDS to be protected from the damaging UV rays while doing so - now more than ever - it's a balancing act - but their health and welfare should be utmost - skin cancer is no laughing matter.

They might not show signs of it for years, by why take the risk if you can take precautions? Applying sunscreen is no more an inconvenience than someone applying a moisturizer - and it's something all of us should be doing if spending any length of time outside - even in winter.

[Shooby]

I think slathering kids is worse for them. When I used to do it , they never adapted to the sun. Now I leave sunscreen off in the spring and they gradually adapt during the summer and now never get burned. However if we are going to the beach or long exposure then we use it.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 23, 2014 17:06:22 GMT -5 @debthaven2 said:

I'm glad your regular daycare provider is available again, and that your kids don't have to go back to this nutjob. 

To be honest, after the first few days of the "different rules" and the kids being upset, and keeping ME up at night, since you always knew it was a temporary situation, I'd have stood my ground and told this woman that starting (tomorrow, next Monday, whatever) I would provide a small knapsack with snacks / their favorite (small) toys (ie no giant dinosaurs LOL) / sunscreen.

Perhaps she would have refused to continue to take them, perhaps not. With them hungry / thirsty / sunburnt / unhappy that's what I would have done. I DO know they wouldn't have died (Gd forbid) of ANY of those things, or even all of them. But at that point, I'd have wanted to show this woman "who was boss". I would think, I am paying YOU for a service, you are the provider. Packing a small bag with snacks / sunscreen is NOT an unreasonable request, so I am doing it anyway.

I'm generally very "live and let live". But if YOU tell ME I am FORBIDDEN from packing a small bag for MY kid, YOU'RE not letting ME live, and that won't go over so well with me. I'm sending a kiddie backpack, not a trunk.   

I wouldn't be worried about the gossiping. If I saw them at it, I'd probably start gossiping to / dancing with the nearest tree or plant or garden chair, but I'm weird like that. 

But I have to admit, I WOULD be VERY curious as to what had "sent her over the edge" and made her yell at my DH and decide we were "horrible parents". It would have made far more sense if she REQUIRED a knock on the door to pick up the kids, and your DH just walked in instead.

But demanding NO knock at the door, and going ballistic because your DH DID knock (ie he exercised common courtesy) makes me REALLY curious about what sent her over the edge.

You make some good points.  I was more willing to let some things go since I knew it was a temporary situation, but I should have spoken up as things occurred.  (It all didn't happen right away, just gradually over the weeks.)  I thought some of it was also just adjustment issues, so I was trying to give my kids time to see if they would adjust to her.

The snack thing--we always send yogurt or fruit, nothing with nuts.  I don't know why, my husband just insists.  Our regular lady knows what our kids like.

The door thing--my husband met her one time 3 weeks prior when she mentioned it in passing as we were leaving.  I'm not surprised he had forgotten.  This is just a home daycare, and our kids were usually the last ones to be picked up.

She called us "horrible people".  I was just trying to figure out why she would suddenly turn on us, so was imagining maybe she really meant horrible parents, and maybe something she heard or saw sounded a lot worse than it really was?     

Vit. D and sunscreen--I try to have the kids out in the sun for short periods of time without sunscreen in order to get Vit. D.  I am super aware of how direct the sun is and how much time has elapsed.  Maybe I'm weird that way, I don't know.  I'm sure they'll be sunburnt again sometime in their lives, but I was mad because of how young DS2 is, and he couldn't say anything.  I feel like he was helpless in the situation, and that's what pissed me off the most about it.

I asked DS1 again about the neighbor, and he told me he didn't like her, but wouldn't say why.  I asked if she was mean, and he said yes. He wouldn't say in what way. It was just the toy thing before, so that could be the extent of it. 

I want to thank everyone here for your contributions. This lady's comments made DH and I both feel awful and completely blindsided.  It made me feel a whole lot better seeing what you all had to say about it.  I'll update you all if I find out more, but I'm not going to press it with her.  We've wanted to put up a fence, and now a big, wooden one is becoming more and more appealing so we wouldn't have to see her house.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I was just trying to figure out why she would suddenly turn on us, so was imagining maybe she really meant horrible parents, and maybe something she heard or saw sounded a lot worse than it really was?

Who cares? Is her opinion about you guys really that valuable to you? Is not knowing going to somehow damage your other relationships in the neighborhood? Is she your best friend in the whole world and you don't want to lose that so you want to clear up the misunderstanding?

Why do you feel compelled to get an explanation?

Reason I ask is because you seem to be awfully invested in the opinion of a woman who sounds like she may be a few cards short of a full deck. I don't see why you feel the need to care. She's the one that blew her chances of ever getting future services from you or having you recommend anyone else to her.

If you were planning on using her as full time daycare or in transition to a new one I could see wanting to talk it out and try to make peace. But you don't even plan on going near this lady again with a ten foot pole so who cares what she thinks.

I'll probably get some grief for this but I'd also stop asking the kids about her.  There is no indication any type of abuse happened (unless we count bug bites and sunburns) or neglect.  The more you ask them about her the more its' going to linger.  I've also found the more I ask my 4 year old questions the more the answers change until I don't know what was is up/down.  4 year olds aren't the best at answering questions about things that happened 3 weeks ago, that's a long time for a toddler.   

Besides unless you plan to confront her or report her to the state I am not sure what good the information will do.

There doesn't seem to be long term trauma going on based on your posts.   Move on and let the kids move on.

[Lizard Queen]

Who cares? Is her opinion about you guys really that valuable to you? --No  Is not knowing going to somehow damage your other relationships in the neighborhood? --Maybe, this is a mild concern as she's talking to the other neighbors.  I don't know anyone who likes shit to be said about them behind their backs.  Is she your best friend in the whole world and you don't want to lose that so you want to clear up the misunderstanding?  --No

Why do you feel compelled to get an explanation?  --No I don't feel compelled at all, but I am curious.

Reason I ask is because you seem to be awfully invested in the opinion of a woman who sounds like she may be a few cards short of a full deck. I don't see why you feel the need to care. She's the one that blew her chances of ever getting future services from you or having you recommend anyone else to her.  --I'm not invested in the opinion of this lady, but I am paranoid.   I'm not sure how well I can explain this, but I'll try.  For the last year+, it has seemed that every time I let my guard down, some shit happens to figuratively slap me across the face.  If I let my guard down with this, is she going to do something to make my already stressful life even more stressful?  Is she going to call CPS on us for some contrived issue?  She's free to continue her nutty ways for all I care as long as she leaves us the hell alone.

I'll probably get some grief for this but I'd also stop asking the kids about her. There is no indication any type of abuse happened (unless we count bug bites and sunburns) or neglect.  --That's true.  I actually asked a little more than I would normally because of this thread, thinking maybe I hadn't asked enough.  I'm not one to give people the 3rd degree, I tend to be more of an observer.  I was thinking maybe I wasn't being enough of a busy-body.  The more you ask them about her the more its' going to linger. I've also found the more I ask my 4 year old questions the more the answers change until I don't know what was is up/down. 4 year olds aren't the best at answering questions about things that happened 3 weeks ago, that's a long time for a toddler. --True, but this happened just last week.  Plus, I don't think there's any big trauma to DS1 here that would linger.  

Besides unless you plan to confront her or report her to the state I am not sure what good the information will do.

There doesn't seem to be long term trauma going on based on your posts. Move on and let the kids move on.  --I will be more than happy to, barring any new shit that could pop up to "slap me across the face".

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

. If I let my guard down with this, is she going to do something to make my already stressful life even more stressful? Is she going to call CPS on us for some contrived issue

Well technically anybody can do anything but I strongly doubt it because if she calls CPS then they are going to want to talk to her which could lead to HER being investigated for something.

As I said it doesn't sound like she broke any laws but you never know. I doubt she'd want to risk CPS deciding to call the state or you calling the state in retaliation.

And even if she did, there is nothing to investigate! You and your DH seem to be great parents. If kids don't get removed in actual serious situations that warrant removal nothing is going to happen to you guys do to a neighbor lady with a grudge.

You're giving her a lot of power over you, which at the end of the day is probably what she wants because she wanted to stick it to you for some reason. Odds are good if you leave her alone she'll leave you alone.

As far as the kids unfortunately no you can't control everything that happens, if you are really concerned something happened personally I'd find a psychiatrist who will know how to ask the right questions and if something DID happen, would be able to instruct you on what to do next.

Otherwise you're just going to drive yourself batty trying to get straight answers from a 4 year old. Plus you're going to keep feeling guilty and second guessing yourself if his answers change, which they are bound to do. 4 year old don't think in a linear fashion and have a hard time with yesterday/today/tomorrow. Which is why I suggest the above if you are very concerned and/or need the peace of mind.

[Shooby]

Don't overreact. Every disagreement that happens doesn't mean the other person is going to turn into a mass murderer on the other hand. Just go with your life and forget it.

[Lizard Queen]

It's hard to explain how strong her wording was, since I'm relaying from what I remember from DH telling me. But when he told his brother about it last weekend, it was a shock all over again.  

It has helped a ton just sharing this here and getting feedback from you all, so thanks again!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm sure she has screws loose, but screws loose don't always translate into people doing anything more than shooting their mouths off.

You could make her life a giant PITA if you really wanted to and I am sure she's aware of it.

She wanted to freak your DH out and she's succeeded quite well because you're still talking about it and seeing CPS behind every door.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 24, 2014 15:06:30 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

She wanted to freak your DH out and she's succeeded quite well because you're still talking about it and seeing CPS behind every door.

I am 
I'm not, really.  My normal state is actually really easy-going.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it's not necessarily due to her.  It could be anything, but most likely my mom.  Just trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever B.S. will come at me next.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You mentioned "What if she calls CPS?" That's quite a leap based on a single crazy rant on her part.

I'm sorry about your mom.

I can understand being stressed and wondering "what is going to happen next" I've spent the last month in that mode of operation.

But try not to add even more things to the list. The lady is cuckoo and for some odd reason decided to create a grudge against you for something that should have been routine business. Let HER run around wound tighter than a two cent watch over minor crap.   Can't be very pleasant to be that high strung, especially when you're a business owner, stuff like this happens.

Focus on the things that deserve you worrying about them.

[Lizard Queen]

Jul 24, 2014 15:52:02 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

You mentioned "What if she calls CPS?" That's quite a leap based on a single crazy rant on her part.

I'm sorry about your mom.

I can understand being stressed and wondering "what is going to happen next" I've spent the last month in that mode of operation.

But try not to add even more things to the list. The lady is cuckoo and for some odd reason decided to create a grudge against you for something that should have been routine business. Let HER run around wound tighter than a two cent watch over minor crap.   Can't be very pleasant to be that high strung, especially when you're a business owner, stuff like this happens.

Focus on the things that deserve you worrying about them.

Yeah, I guess I jumped into some worst-case "what if" scenarios.  It's a little bit like PTSD, I think.  Too much bad shit has dropped on me when I least expected it.  Now I don't want to be caught off guard.  In the grand scheme off things, though, this lady isn't important at all.

Thanks, Drama.   -hug-Sorry you've been going through that too.  It sucks.

[Lizard Queen]

Shoot--lost my post!  I didn't expect to really have any updates but here goes:

My regular daycare lady took my kids to the mall to play and run around in the food court play area.  Some strange lady starts calling to my 2 yo.  It kind of freaked my daycare lady out.  Turns out, it was the dreaded neighbor.  She told my DC lady that my older son, "is a very immature 4 year-old and is sexually awkward."  WTF?  DC lady thinks we should file a complaint with the state licencing agency.  I guess this lady was there with a little girl, but was also telling a bunch of the other kids what to do.  My DC lady was weirded out by her and left with the kids right away.

[justme]

No idea what to do but wow!

[Deleted]

Sexually awkward? I think I'd place a call just to be safe. Seriously, I've come down on the better safe than sorry on these things.

[Sam_2.0]

What in the heck? I am so sorry she was scaring your kids and DCP. That lady is nuts!!

[Lizard Queen]

Jan 19, 2015 12:55:56 GMT -5 oped said:

Sexually awkward? I think I'd place a call just to be safe. Seriously, I've come down on the better safe than sorry on these things.

 Yeah, I had no idea why she would say that.  We are trying to teach him more about privacy without making a huge deal out of it. Now I'm thinking about how he sometimes grabs his crotch even when he doesn't have to pee.  If I notice, I try to discourage it without making a huge deal out of it.  I don't know, it seems like making a big deal out of it WOULD make him awkward.     Hey, what do I know?  I do have a BS in psych., vs. her babysitting for a long time.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DC lady thinks we should file a complaint with the state licencing agency

I totally agree with your daycare lady and do so TODAY. Trust her instincts as a professional.

Trust YOUR instincts. Don't be questioning yourself, there is zero reason a babysitter should be making any kind of comments on your child's sexuality.

Who the F uses the term "sexually awkward" about a FOUR YEAR OLD?!

Please don't try to rationalize this. It's a tendency we women have because we don't want to be complainers and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But a former babysitter making any comments about my child's sexuality would be a HUGE red flag. Not to mention she is harassing my current daycare provider.

[Lizard Queen]

Thanks for the input, folks.  I am a 'P' on the Myers-Briggs, and I need a push over the the 'J' side on occasion!  

I called DH, and he doesn't want to tangle with crazy, especially right now when it appears my mother is on her last legs.  I will discuss further with him and DC lady later today.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Would the DC lady be willing to put in a complaint for you?

Honestly I get your DH's logic but this is a different kind of crazy.  You don't want her thinking she can get away with stuff like this. 

I also wouldn't want to expect my daycare provider to put up with this BS just because I don't want to deal with it right now.

.

[Deleted]

I didn't read the whole thing. Don't have time now, but I read your kids were not happy there and had behavioral changes. I don't want to freak anyone out, but that coupled with her terminology would be impetus to call...