Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 15:39:02 GMT -5
My parents are going on 52 years this Oct. Apparently I came home from school one day all upset because one of my classmate was saying her parents were talking divorce. Mom comforted me by telling me that she and Dad had agreed that whomever left first had to take the kids (there were 4 of us then) which then became a running joke in the family. I don't actually remember this just the running joke part.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 15:40:36 GMT -5
Mom comforted me by telling me that she and Dad had agreed that whomever left first had to take the kids (there were 4 of us then) which then became a running joke in the family. Our running joke is whoever leaves first has to take the dogs with them. We'll have been married six years in August.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 10, 2014 16:10:17 GMT -5
I have various marriage dates depending on what "you" count but dh and I have been together for 17 years. Post kids our relationship has had some very difficult periods and like The Captain if it hadn't been for ds I wpuld have left dh. We are still finding our way, and I hope that things will continue to.improve. Dh was my only serious relationship and I've now been with him for over half my life. The realization that I've never lived alone or been single as an adult irks the hell out of me. But not enough to try those things now. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jul 10, 2014 16:17:23 GMT -5
I look up to my parents and their marriage with a great deal of respect. My parents just celebrated 40 years of marriage and without delving into it, they essentially had an arranged marriage after knowing each other just a handful of days in another country.
It wasn't physical, it wasn't emotional, it was hard work. They embody the essence of commitment, compromise, respect, support and definitely humor. I consciously try to incorporate this into my marriage all the time. It's not perfect, but we are both aware of that and working together to be our best selves, best partners and best parents we can be.
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Jul 10, 2014 16:35:20 GMT -5
Not talking to the other during their favorite TV show has gotten us through 27 years.
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Cookies Galore
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I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 10, 2014 16:39:47 GMT -5
Not talking to the other during their favorite TV show has gotten us through 27 years. That is so important!
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NoNamePerson
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Is There Anybody OUT There?
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2014 16:45:53 GMT -5
Not talking to the other during their favorite TV show has gotten us through 27 years. And possibly sharing the remote
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quince
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Post by quince on Jul 10, 2014 18:18:11 GMT -5
Sometimes I think what makes my marriage work is my husband. We are either a pretty good fit or he's faking it like a pro. Compatible geekery, enough that I can forgive him not knowing anything about comic books, knowing too much about anime, and not reading the Dresden Files. Frequent, fun sex. Admitting when we're wrong. Rarely saying no to each other. Being on the same/similar pages regarding finances and child-rearing. Respecting each individual's autonomy. Prioritizing the desires of our spouse over those of extended family. It helps to have enough money, so finances aren't a sore point. Also helps to have had a short marriage so far, so we haven't found too many of our pitfalls.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 10, 2014 18:21:36 GMT -5
... Also helps to have had a short marriage so far, so we haven't found too many of our pitfalls. Those first few hours are always great.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 10, 2014 19:59:09 GMT -5
We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants. If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong. I thought you were still married....I am sorry if something happened
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 20:06:17 GMT -5
We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants. If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong. I thought you were still married....I am sorry if something happened I phrased that wrong. Sorry. We're still married.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 10, 2014 20:48:43 GMT -5
Married almost 11 years. Together 14.5 years, but with a couple break ups in there.
Communication is what became key for us. Being able to say "I'm struggling right now" or "I feel like something is missing", instead of trying to bottle it up and fake it. The goal is not to never burden your spouse but to always burden your spouse so the two of you are carrying the load together. At least for us.
It also helps that we are mostly the same kind of geek, with a few offshoots. We have a similar sense of humor, and mostly shared values and politics, and are willing to accept the differences.
The other big thing is physical contact- not sex, but just touching each other. No matter how mad we are at each other, we tend to sleep spooning. If we're in the car, it just feels wrong if I don't have a hand on his leg. The ability to physically connect even when we're not mentally connecting keeps the emotional connection alive.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 10, 2014 23:45:35 GMT -5
Married 11 years, together for 15. I'd say some things we do well are: - We work hard, as in neither of us is lazy. Because of this, we don't have as much chaos in our lives. - We don't take out our bad moods on each other. - We have many different interests. We "divide and conquer" many areas of our life as we are both pretty independent. - DH is EXTREMELY kind and it has rubbed off on me over the years. Kindness gets you really far in a relationship. - We respect each other, and we apologize to each other when needed. - We have identified our individual needs and make sure that each person's needs are met. - We listen/communicate with each other well. - We are both slow to anger personality-wise. I think we've had one fight/disagreement in 2014.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 0:03:07 GMT -5
By my observation of those that have stayed married long term, you need at least one person that is willing to tolerate a ridiculous amount of crap. I haven't found that person and I won't be that person. C'est la vie.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 11, 2014 0:34:23 GMT -5
laterbloomer - I think the secret for that is for the person who needs to tolerate the ridiculous amount of crap to change. When we dealt with the MIL, I had to tolerate a lot, for the sake of C's mom. While I have been unemployed these last six months (but especially the last few), C has had to tolerate a lot of crap from me as I battle situational depression. As long as we take turns being the one who dishes out and the one who takes it, things seem to work okay.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jul 11, 2014 0:52:19 GMT -5
Marriage is mainly "Compromise" - and "TRUST"! It's a two-way street.
It's a lot of give & take - if one is more take than give, you have a problem.
You have to find a balance that works for you as a couple - that includes all major decision-making - buying a home, whether to (or not to) have kids, and all things that will have an impact on both parties in the long-run.
The focus should be on the same for long-term goals with both people on the same page - otherwise, there'll be conflict and tension.
One party shouldn't have to submit to the other's demands - there shouldn't even be demands - or ONE person the "Boss" - a good marriage is a partnership - equal in all ways - with lots of flexibility on both sides to balance the scales. Yes, there'll be disagreements/arguments - but you have to remember to never go to bed angry or carry a grudge.
If there's a breach of trust, find a way to work through it together, or don't waste the next 20 yrs being resentful & bitter.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Jul 11, 2014 1:58:14 GMT -5
Mom comforted me by telling me that she and Dad had agreed that whomever left first had to take the kids (there were 4 of us then) which then became a running joke in the family. Our running joke is whoever leaves first has to take the dogs with them. We'll have been married six years in August. We joke around that whoever leaves first has to take our youngest with them. She is often possessed by the PMS demon. Neither of us want to be left alone with that!
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 11, 2014 4:00:35 GMT -5
We've had the whoever files for divorce first gets full custody of the kids deal for years now. It's not really much of a deterrent since ours are easy, but they're entering their teen years now so our marriage should be pretty ironclad for the next several years.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 11, 2014 6:35:44 GMT -5
...:::"The commitment of both people.":::...
I was going to say the best answer was given as the first response. Whether or not all the other things mentioned are a result of commitment, or anything else is up for interpretation. I think being "all in" fosters an environment where all those other things can happen.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Jul 12, 2014 14:28:09 GMT -5
I wish I knew, I wouldn't be sitting here alone right now.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 12, 2014 15:01:55 GMT -5
laterbloomer - I think the secret for that is for the person who needs to tolerate the ridiculous amount of crap to change. When we dealt with the MIL, I had to tolerate a lot, for the sake of C's mom. While I have been unemployed these last six months (but especially the last few), C has had to tolerate a lot of crap from me as I battle situational depression. As long as we take turns being the one who dishes out and the one who takes it, things seem to work okay. I think Shane has mentioned something interesting here. Many people mention good marriages/relationships as being 50/50. Short-term, I don't think they are working on an even split, a perfect balance or a one-to-one ratio. The dynamic of a relationship changes every day, depending on what's going on outside the home, inside the home, what kinds of illnesses, pressures, strains and pains are impacting the two of you on a daily basis. When one of you is down for the count, the other picks up slack, and sometimes, it's 100% of the slack. And the tables can be turned quickly, leaving the other person holding all the responsibilities for a time. In the end, when you look back on it, a good relationship does work out to be pretty close to 50-50 over the long haul. But over the course of days, weeks or even months, it can feel like the load is all on one of you. And sometimes it is. And that's what can separate couples over time, or keep them together: the ability (or not) for one of you to get your ass thrown against the rocks over and over, while the other one cannot be of assistance.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jul 12, 2014 15:05:33 GMT -5
...:::"And that's what can separate couples over time, or keep them together: the ability (or not) for one of you to get your ass thrown against the rocks over and over, while the other one cannot be of assistance.":::...
But don't you dare keep score!
ETA: or is it better to say that you shouldn't ever assume you are owed anything even if you give a lot. That whole "both should give 60% and take 40%" is wise -- but its wrong to assume that because you give 60%, you are actually entitled to anything.
I kind of see it like when you work your tail off all year, and at year end, the company says "well, we can't afford to give you bonuses, but we want you to know we realllllllly appreciate all that you did this year".
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 12, 2014 16:36:23 GMT -5
Low expectations?
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 12, 2014 19:14:39 GMT -5
...:::"And that's what can separate couples over time, or keep them together: the ability (or not) for one of you to get your ass thrown against the rocks over and over, while the other one cannot be of assistance.":::... But don't you dare keep score! ETA: or is it better to say that you shouldn't ever assume you are owed anything even if you give a lot. That whole "both should give 60% and take 40%" is wise -- but its wrong to assume that because you give 60%, you are actually entitled to anything. I kind of see it like when you work your tail off all year, and at year end, the company says "well, we can't afford to give you bonuses, but we want you to know we realllllllly appreciate all that you did this year". Oh, heck yes to this. Sheesh, I found out that I had to toss out the scorecard ages ago. Damned thing had so many crossouts and erasures, you could hardly read it.
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teen persuasion
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Post by teen persuasion on Jul 12, 2014 20:53:30 GMT -5
Keeping score is definitely on the "what not to do" list! It can only drive you crazy, so I don't even pay attention to keeping track of where the balance point currently is, just turn a blind eye. For us, what makes our marriage work is the decision that marriage is forever. We are now part of a team, and do things for the good of the team, not the individual. If I want a happy life, it is in my best interests to keep my team happy, too. It is counterproductive to make them upset, angry, sad, vindictive, you name it. We don't play tit-for-tat games with each other, and we do try to always be grateful to one another. I want my family to be my favorite people, and want them to feel the same. Although the question was about marriage, my answer is really how our family works; we treat the kids the same way, since they are also people we have to live with. We've always played divide and conquer with anything we need to get done, and the kids are included as they mature enough. Whoever is home helps with dinner: make salad, set table, fetch drinks, etc. A few nights ago DH had to be in two places at the same time, so DS4 acted as coach for DS5's soccer game, and I was the adult on the bench in case of trouble. I had to hustle home quick after a day hosting multiple programs, but the guys at home had done their part and had dinner ready so we could dine and dash. That's the way we work all the time: ok, what is on the schedule for today, who can do what/when, thank you honey, love you & see you tonight.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 14, 2014 10:22:57 GMT -5
Keeping score is definitely on the "what not to do" list! It can only drive you crazy, so I don't even pay attention to keeping track of where the balance point currently is, just turn a blind eye.
I DESPISE the "who does more work around here" argument. It never leads anywhere good. I'm in the camp that as long as we are both being considerate of each other, it will eventually work out to SOMETHING LIKE 50/50 but it needn't shake out that way on a daily basis (which is impossible anyway).
I think walking that fine line (and avoiding the scorecard) is one of the harder parts of marriage, personally. It's easy to remember all the things that YOU did that day and feel like your partner did nothing by comparison.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 14, 2014 10:34:33 GMT -5
I was in one marriage that I gave up doing anything because I was obviously unable to do anything satisfactorily, including eventually of course, carrying my own weight in the relationship.
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