NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 12:59:09 GMT -5
One thing my mother told me that the minster told them when they got married is that there are going to be days where you can't stand and maybe even hate your spouse.
And that's okay, it's normal. We're two different people, we're going to clash every once and awhile and sometimes it may be a pretty big one.
Marriage isn't all goo-goo eyes and unicorn farts. You can still love your spouse while wanting to murder them because they snore so loudly it sounds like a freaking foghorn (DH)or because they never manage to put a cap back on a bottle properly (myself).
If you can recognize that nobody is perfect and your marriage is not going to be a storybook romance then you're doing good.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 10, 2014 13:02:40 GMT -5
Partnership, emotional intimacy, and acceptance.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 10, 2014 13:03:52 GMT -5
.... You can have everything in common under the sun but if you aren't prepared to fight if things get tough it doesn't matter. ... but i would also add not getting complacent when things seem smooth. A drift into indifference can be easy for some couples. A favorite quote: "You have to be willing to give up good to be great" (I read it attributed to Kenny Rogers). Fight to make a good marriage great. Then fight to make it even greater.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 10, 2014 13:21:10 GMT -5
I'll just add one: patience.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 13:51:49 GMT -5
I have nothing to add because my marriages tend to end in shambles, but I like this thread.
Maybe I could add that marrying the right person is a good first step towards making a marriage work.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 10, 2014 14:00:51 GMT -5
Low expectations!
which unfortunately, I do not have, sooooooo......
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 10, 2014 14:02:53 GMT -5
DH would say sex twice a week for maintainance and more for happiness.
:PMy thoughts are less profound.
Hahahaha! Men are so much simpler. When we first got together my sweetie was very clear on the fact that if we weren't having sex 3 times a week, he would not be happy. 7 years later and I swear if we haven't done it 3 times by the end of the week he is a cranky mofo. I guess he wasn't lying!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 14:17:47 GMT -5
I like reading this
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2014 14:21:45 GMT -5
I'm just curious since giving advice how many people on here have been married more than once and how many times divorced.
You know, learning from mistakes and all that. I do know a few were widowed and remarried.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 14:23:50 GMT -5
No way do I feel qualified to give advice.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2014 14:25:19 GMT -5
No way do I feel qualified to give advice. Me either.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jul 10, 2014 14:25:53 GMT -5
Amazing sex. Oh, and like compatibility, sense of humor, being friends, or whatever. Mostly the great sex though. After a long stressful day at work there are few things better than an orgasm so good you forget your own name for a few minutes.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 10, 2014 14:26:48 GMT -5
I'm just curious since giving advice how many people on here have been married more than once and how many times divorced. You know, learning from mistakes and all that. I do know a few were widowed and remarried.
Married once, 31 years next month. BUT I was also in two long-term relationships (4 years/HS boyfriend and 7 years/college boyfriend) that ultimately did not work out, so I think I did two trial/starter marriages without actually getting married, if that makes sense. From the perspective of time and distance I'm really glad I didn't marry either one of them, because I would be divorced by now. I feel like they taught me what I needed to know in order to be a good partner and stay married.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 10, 2014 14:30:50 GMT -5
- Being a team. No matter what happens, I know DH has my back, and vice versa. Even if we disagree in private, we have a united front. He is a HUGE mama's boy, but even so, his first priorities are DD and me. - Sense of humor. We are both pretty sick and twisted. - Shared history. I love being able to say, "Hey, that reminds me of when so-and-so fell down the stairs at graduation" and DH knows and remembers what I'm talking about. We've been friends almost 20 years now. - Respect and fighting fair. I've had to work a lot on this... I lose any brain-mouth filter when I'm mad, and it took a while before I realized the scorched earth thing was probably not the best approach to a relationship.
I've not had the best relationship track record, and I know I'm not always easy to live with - but DH makes being married easy. He is just a genuinely good person. What he may lack on paper, he makes up for in kindness, generosity, honesty, and work ethic.
Oh and to answer NNP's question - this is my first marriage, together since 2006 (we originally started dating in 1997), married almost 5 years. This is DH's second marriage, he was married for 4 months at age 21.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 10, 2014 14:31:23 GMT -5
Awesome sex and being able to ignore the inane chatter that comes out of a spouse's mouth.
I mean, I love you honey!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 14:31:25 GMT -5
I think all the things you listed are important. Also, what billisonboard said about consistently trying to make it better.
One thing I see a lot of men do is being very controlling. Maybe that's just because most men I know are in the military? I don't know if that makes it more extreme or not, but it seems much more pronounced from the guys at work than the (British civilian) guys I know at the running club for instance. But I can't help but think that has to be stifling. Another thing is to let yourself go - and that was something I was bad at for a long time - in other words, just relax and joke around and enjoy conversation. Maybe that's another "man thing" or something, the inherent need to be strong and stoic. Of course you can take it to the extreme, like still playing video games in your mom's basement when you're 40 or whatever LoL.
Something Nancy said also seems important - encourage your spouse to have interests and hobbies. Over time I think all people change, things that were important to you at 20 might be a minor thought at 40. That is something I've always struggled with in my marriage, especially about money. My wife is so tight with money, that I swear her purse squeaks from the rusty hinges LoL!! Something she says occasionally is "I won't buy that, because that's not who we are - we don't buy things like that." And my point is that we didn't buy things like that when we were younger, because we couldn't afford them - but now we can, so if you like those shoes or that car or whatever, then go for it. I didn't try to get promoted so we would still pinch pennies on everything, I did it so we wouldn't have to, you know what I mean? Anyway...enough ranting...and I'm sure having a spouse who is thrifty causes a lot less problems in the long run than one who spends too much, so maybe I shouldn't complain . DH is military and is the opposite of controlling. I think it comes from growing up in a large family with a 'do what I say or else' matriarch. He's super chill and rolls with the punches. So different from me... It helps we're alike in ways that make us want to spend time together and do things together but are different in ways that allow us to copmliment each other.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 10, 2014 14:32:26 GMT -5
I'm just curious since giving advice how many people on here have been married more than once and how many times divorced. You know, learning from mistakes and all that. I do know a few were widowed and remarried. I was married twice & divorced twice. I don't really count the first one because it was just for insurance purposes & we never told anyone or had an actual ceremony. Our intention had always been to eventually have a wedding ceremony, but the relationship fell apart long before that. He joined the military & became weird & controlling, which drove me away. My second lasted almost 7 years, technically. We officially separated a little after 3 years. From that marriage I learned don't marry an alcoholic & don't expect someone to suddenly become a better person after the wedding. He wasn't controlling, but became extremely manipulative.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 10, 2014 14:40:17 GMT -5
No one else wants us?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 14:42:00 GMT -5
I don't feel qualified to give advice either. To be honest, I sometimes feel like I got DH out of pure luck. He's amazing and like Mid's DH, he makes marriage easy.
It's still tough sometimes, but being in a partnership with him is so much better than being in a relationshit with anyone else ever was.
I, too, am enjoying reading everyone's opinions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 14:47:13 GMT -5
Going on 6 years this August (11 together) and still trying to figure it out.
But some good tips in this thread.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 10, 2014 14:49:48 GMT -5
Ratchets...she was just nicely trying to get you to put the blowup doll down and walk away from the display. Seriously, sometimes you have to agree to disagree with each other. No rule says you have to be all "whatever you want, dear" right down the line. Sometimes, you have to let the hubs or wifey know that your personal bucket list has some things on it that might not be their bowl of ramen. Recently, I made a decision to pursue a new sport. DH is not exactly on board with this. In fact, his objection was louder than anything I've heard in 24 years together. Not yelling or anything, just surprisingly vocal. Tough toodles. My decision, my consequences, so long as it does not interfere with our mutual life and circumstances.
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imanangel
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Post by imanangel on Jul 10, 2014 14:52:30 GMT -5
I have been married once and we are getting ready to celebrate our 17th anniversary. I always say "congratulations Mr. ImAnAngel, we have successfully completed another year of not trying to kill each other." He always replies that he is fairly certain I have tried to kill him in his sleep.... Anyway, for us, our marriage works because we are not just husband and wife, we are friends. He is my best friend. My best friend with amazing benefits! We are completely opposite in most things, but we work. We balance each other out. He does things with me to show me that my interests are important. I do things he likes to show him the same respect. He is laid back and a home body, an introvert. I am loud, opinionated, emotional, a little crazy, and love meeting new people. I am definitely an extrovert. I pull him out into the world and make him experience life. He keeps me calm and grounded.
He has a very dry sense of humor that most people do not get. I get him. He knows all my flaws, all my insane thoughts, and he loves me unconditionally.
We do not have a perfect marriage, not by far. BUT what we do have is two people that absolutely love each other and are willing to work and fight to keep that love.
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drivingaround
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Post by drivingaround on Jul 10, 2014 14:57:26 GMT -5
Although arguable whether Gwyneth Paltrow is one to give advice I agreed with a statement she made years ago that the reason they were still married was they never wanted to divorce at the same time. That is so true! Clearly there are times you absolutely hate your spouse and wonder WTH you are doing married to them but then they still want to be married so okay, you stick it out.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 10, 2014 14:58:19 GMT -5
I'm just curious since giving advice how many people on here have been married more than once and how many times divorced. You know, learning from mistakes and all that. I do know a few were widowed and remarried. I never actually manage to put into practice on the important lessons I have learned.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 10, 2014 15:01:55 GMT -5
Although arguable whether Gwyneth Paltrow is one to give advice I agreed with a statement she made years ago that the reason they were still married was they never wanted to divorce at the same time. That is so true! Clearly there are times you absolutely hate your spouse and wonder WTH you are doing married to them but then they still want to be married so okay, you stick it out. Too tired to smother them in their sleep helps too.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 10, 2014 15:12:10 GMT -5
Ratchets...she was just nicely trying to get you to put the blowup doll down and walk away from the display. Seriously, sometimes you have to agree to disagree with each other. No rule says you have to be all "whatever you want, dear" right down the line. Sometimes, you have to let the hubs or wifey know that your personal bucket list has some things on it that might not be their bowl of ramen. Recently, I made a decision to pursue a new sport. DH is not exactly on board with this. In fact, his objection was louder than anything I've heard in 24 years together. Not yelling or anything, just surprisingly vocal. Tough toodles. My decision, my consequences, so long as it does not interfere with our mutual life and circumstances. Well...every marriage has to have it's little secrets too I guess ! So what's your new sport? (I'm almost afraid to ask...) Water polo. Or as a friend of mine calls it: soccer with drowning (DH refers to it as aquatic roller derby).
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 15:17:38 GMT -5
Ratchets...she was just nicely trying to get you to put the blowup doll down and walk away from the display. No, no, no. She wants Ratchets to surprise her with it.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jul 10, 2014 15:23:15 GMT -5
I'm just curious since giving advice how many people on here have been married more than once and how many times divorced. You know, learning from mistakes and all that. I do know a few were widowed and remarried. One time, still married. DH and I are coming up on our 20 year anniversary. I'm not kidding when I say humor, it's gotten us through many rough patches. I've also been honest about our marriage hitting some REALLY rough patches. If not for DD, I would have walked during one of them. In the end we are committed to the relationship, which means we are committed to each other. Which probably means we should be committed. (see...there it is again)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 15:24:35 GMT -5
We dated for 3.5 years, married 10 this October.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 10, 2014 15:36:07 GMT -5
Married 11 years this August, together 17 years.
the same sick and twisted sense of humor bonds us.
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