Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 11:54:34 GMT -5
I realize it's a completely individual thing. And also not static. I know what makes *my* marriage work today, but I don't know what will make it work 5 years from now, or 10 years from now.
Just curious to hear thoughts on what makes marriages work in general. Is it friendship? Physical chemistry? Shared goals? Similar lifestyles? What's the *most* important ingredient for a successful marriage, if you had to pick one?
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 10, 2014 11:58:31 GMT -5
The commitment of both people.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 11:58:37 GMT -5
Being able to talk and listen to each other. Even when it's something you don't want to say or something you don't want to hear.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:27:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 12:01:53 GMT -5
We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants. If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jul 10, 2014 12:04:20 GMT -5
The abiltiy to not smother him with a pillow as he sleeps... JUST KIDDING!!! (maybe not )
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jul 10, 2014 12:04:52 GMT -5
If you haven't guessed, in our marriage it's definately a sense of humor.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:27:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 12:06:52 GMT -5
Yeah, I got nothing...
|
|
ArchietheDragon
Junior Associate
Joined: Jul 7, 2014 14:29:23 GMT -5
Posts: 6,379
|
Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 10, 2014 12:07:58 GMT -5
A little something on the side.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 12:08:35 GMT -5
If I had to pick one for Dh and myself it'd be we're committed. We take our marriage very seriously and will make every attempt to work things out.
It would have been a lot "easier" to DH on his rear when he confessed to me he relapsed but that's not how either one of us roll. We went to therapy together because we believed we owed it to our marriage (and Gwen) to see if we could salvage things.
You can have everything in common under the sun but if you aren't prepared to fight if things get tough it doesn't matter.
I've known about DH's issues since Day 1, he's always been open about it so it felt wrong to throw away our marriage when I knew full well what I was getting into.
That being said if he ever uses again he's out on his butt. It's very important to have boundaries and enforce them. He got one chance at forgiveness, it won't happen again. I'm all for fighting for my marriage but there is a point where I will throw in the towel.
So I agree with MM that trust is important too.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,216
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 10, 2014 12:10:09 GMT -5
Me either!! Was married for 18 been divorced for 32 but the suggestions by others are really good. So listen up all you married folks ETA: my post was in response to minnesotapaintlady - just got in there a tad late.
|
|
busymom
Distinguished Associate
Why is the rum always gone? Oh...that's why.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 21:09:36 GMT -5
Posts: 29,238
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IPauJ5.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Name Color: 0D317F
Mini-Profile Text Color: 0D317F
|
Post by busymom on Jul 10, 2014 12:14:39 GMT -5
Marry your best friend, rather than the hottest person you know. (I know, I'm no fun.) A strong friendship can weather many storms.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 12:14:41 GMT -5
We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants. If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong. Congratulations That's a major accomplishment.
|
|
Blonde Granny
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 15, 2013 8:27:13 GMT -5
Posts: 6,919
Today's Mood: Alone in the world
Location: Wandering Aimlessly
Mini-Profile Name Color: 28e619
Mini-Profile Text Color: 3a9900
|
Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 10, 2014 12:14:57 GMT -5
We will be married 50 years in October. For us, in the beginning it was not having enough money for a long distance call to my Mom let alone the money to go back home.
Today, it's commitment, willingness to compromise (he does that really well too), it's never sharing a bathroom, never sharing a bedroom, never sharing a closet, and both having the vehicle they want. And never having to share the TV clicker.
See how simple this all is?
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 12:17:19 GMT -5
I like the sense of humor ingredient. DH makes me laugh on a daily basis, it's the sexiest thing in the world.
The commitment aspect is important too. If you're not both willing to work at things, forget it.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,452
|
Post by Firebird on Jul 10, 2014 12:18:42 GMT -5
We will be married 50 years in October. For us, in the beginning it was not having enough money for a long distance call to my Mom let alone the money to go back home.
Today, it's commitment, willingness to compromise (he does that really well too), it's never sharing a bathroom, never sharing a bedroom, never sharing a closet, and both having the vehicle they want. And never having to share the TV clicker.
See how simple this all is? Sounds good to me! Congrats to you too. I have all the respects for the golden couples. To me, a long and successful marriage is way more impressive than a long and successful career.
|
|
Jake 48
Senior Member
keeping the faith
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:06:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,337
|
Post by Jake 48 on Jul 10, 2014 12:25:50 GMT -5
Getting the last words in "yes dear"
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:27:02 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 12:29:04 GMT -5
We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants. If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong. Congratulations That's a major accomplishment. Thanks.
|
|
kcladyjane
Familiar Member
Joined: Dec 31, 2010 12:00:43 GMT -5
Posts: 837
|
Post by kcladyjane on Jul 10, 2014 12:31:13 GMT -5
I say committment, sense of humor, ability to let some things go that bug you, physical attraction, ability to apologize, and adapting. We have been married almost 7 years and get along great. There was a short time period in year 4 I worried we wouldn't make it...mostly because he was so stressed with his job that he was constantly cranky. He has a different job now and has been a lot more happy. We will have a new challenge coming up with a baby coming in the next couple of months and I hope we adapt to that well together. We both grew up with parents that were/are married for 35-40 years so I know we both cherish long marriages and know that marriage requires some work. One thing I think helps too...keeping money separate. No arguments over money...but having a child will make this separation of money a little more tricky.
|
|
Blonde Granny
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 15, 2013 8:27:13 GMT -5
Posts: 6,919
Today's Mood: Alone in the world
Location: Wandering Aimlessly
Mini-Profile Name Color: 28e619
Mini-Profile Text Color: 3a9900
|
Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 10, 2014 12:32:22 GMT -5
Ok, in all seriousness: For us it was the ability to make it thru the times of job separations, i.e military. It was the ability to stand shoulder to shoulder, holding hands and facing whatever crisis hit us, and there were more than just a few. When one of us was weak and scared, the other one took over and filled whatever role was needed.
DH stood by me when I was at my darkest moments, moments when other men would have scampered off to greener pastures. Now, today it's my turn to stand by him. We face the future together, secure that both of us will do the right things for each other, because sometimes we only get once chance to do the right thing.
|
|
Sam_2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
Posts: 12,350
|
Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 10, 2014 12:37:48 GMT -5
Commitment, common goals. The fact that even when we are mad at each other we would still prefer to be in the same house together rather than be apart (just maybe in different rooms for awhile ). Respect and trust go a long way too. He will go out with his band buddies for a night out and I never once worry about what's going on, unlike some of the other wives that are constantly calling/texting. We give each other the space to be individuals.
|
|
CarolinaKat
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:10:37 GMT -5
Posts: 6,364
|
Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 12:41:52 GMT -5
Snuggles... It's definately the snuggles.
|
|
Sam_2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
Posts: 12,350
|
Post by Sam_2.0 on Jul 10, 2014 12:42:51 GMT -5
Snuggles... It's definately the snuggles. Or the king-size bed so I can sleep without someone touching me
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 10, 2014 12:43:35 GMT -5
The ability to let each other go and do things, away from one another, with absolute trust in knowing that you will return to one another. In other words, don't live in each others' damned back pockets all the time.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 12:45:20 GMT -5
One thing we do is no matter how pissed off we are at each other we always kiss each other goodbye.
I'll admit sometimes I've wanted bite his lip off rather than kiss him, but the kissing is a physical reminder that even though we're mad at each other we're still married and we still care about each other.
We also always say "Love you, goodbye" when we leave. Once shortly after Gwen was born I didn't perform the ritual with DH when he left for work. He'd go to work at 4 am in those days so we were both walking zombies. I apparently rolled back over and didn't reply when he said "love you". So he called me at work upset thinking I was really pissed at him. Poor guy.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 15,012
|
Post by raeoflyte on Jul 10, 2014 12:47:28 GMT -5
Codependency. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
|
|
CarolinaKat
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 16:10:37 GMT -5
Posts: 6,364
|
Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 12:48:09 GMT -5
One thing we do is no matter how pissed off we are at each other we always kiss each other goodbye. I'll admit sometimes I've wanted bite his lip off rather than kiss him, but the kissing is a physical reminder that even though we're mad at each other we're still married and we still care about each other. We also always say "Love you, goodbye" when we leave. Once shortly after Gwen was born I didn't perform the ritual with DH when he left for work. He'd go to work at 4 am in those days so we were both walking zombies. I apparently rolled back over and didn't reply when he said "love you". So he called me at work upset thinking I was really pissed at him. Poor guy. Apparently, every morning I tell my husband I love him and to have a good day at work/be safe and kiss him goodbye. However, I am taking his word for it because I am not awake for any of this. He leaves at an obscene time of day to make it to morning PT on time.
|
|
❤ mollymouser ❤
Senior Associate
Sarcasm is my Superpower
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:09:58 GMT -5
Posts: 12,861
Today's Mood: Gen X ... so I'm sarcastic and annoyed
Location: Central California
Favorite Drink: Diet Mountain Dew
|
Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jul 10, 2014 12:49:32 GMT -5
Commitment Compromise Cooperation Communication Consideration Common goals Common values Common interests Common sense ... and a quirky sense of humor.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 12:51:07 GMT -5
Commitment Compromise Cooperation Communication Consideration Common goals Common values Common interests Common sense ... and a common quirky sense of humor. fixed that for you!
|
|
Peace Of Mind
Senior Associate
[font color="#8f2520"]~ Drinks Well With Others ~[/font]
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:53:02 GMT -5
Posts: 15,554
Location: Paradise
|
Post by Peace Of Mind on Jul 10, 2014 12:53:53 GMT -5
Marry your best friend, rather than the hottest person you know. (I know, I'm no fun.) A strong friendship can weather many storms. I married my best friend and he happened to be the hottest person I knew at the time too. But now he's just kind of cute and still my very best friend and the person I like and trust more than any other. Absolutely those things and I'd also add trust and a sense of humor. But liking your spouse is the most important because eventually (27 years together) the physical chemistry wanes and liking the person keeps that from mattering as much. On the days I don't like him pillows become very handy!
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Jul 10, 2014 12:56:09 GMT -5
Yah - I have my days where I want to kiss him and days where I want to smack him - - but so does he!
I think I'd have to agree that commitment and trust are the biggies. Fun, excitement, fleeting pleasures can be found with almost anyone; finding someone who will "do" life by your side (the good AND the ugly) and will uphold their end of the marriage commitment/bargain is pretty priceless.
JMHO.
|
|