What makes marriages work?

[Firebird]

I realize it's a completely individual thing.  And also not static.  I know what makes *my* marriage work today, but I don't know what will make it work 5 years from now, or 10 years from now.

Just curious to hear thoughts on what makes marriages work in general.  Is it friendship?  Physical chemistry?  Shared goals?  Similar lifestyles?  What's the *most* important ingredient for a successful marriage, if you had to pick one?

[Lizard Queen]

The commitment of both people.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Being able to talk and listen to each other.  Even when it's something you don't want to say or something you don't want to hear. 

[Deleted]

We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants.
If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong.

[The Captain]

The abiltiy to not smother him with a pillow as he sleeps...

JUST KIDDING!!!

(maybe not )

[The Captain]

If you haven't guessed, in our marriage it's definately a sense of humor.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I got nothing...

[ArchietheDragon]

A little something on the side.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If I had to pick one for Dh and myself it'd be we're committed. We take our marriage very seriously and will make every attempt to work things out.

It would have been a lot "easier" to DH on his rear when he confessed to me he relapsed but that's not how either one of us roll. We went to therapy together because we believed we owed it to our marriage (and Gwen) to see if we could salvage things.

You can have everything in common under the sun but if you aren't prepared to fight if things get tough it doesn't matter.

I've known about DH's issues since Day 1, he's always been open about it so it felt wrong to throw away our marriage when I knew full well what I was getting into.

That being said if he ever uses again he's out on his butt. It's very important to have boundaries and enforce them. He got one chance at forgiveness, it won't happen again. I'm all for fighting for my marriage but there is a point where I will throw in the towel.

So I agree with MM that trust is important too.  

[NoNamePerson]

Me either!! Was married for 18 been divorced for 32 but the suggestions by others are really good. So listen up all you married folks  

ETA: my post was in response to minnesotapaintlady - just got in there a tad late.

[busymom]

Marry your best friend, rather than the hottest person you know.  (I know, I'm no fun.)   A strong friendship can weather many storms.

[Firebird]

Jul 10, 2014 12:01:53 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants.
If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong.

Congratulations   That's a major accomplishment.

[Blonde Granny]

We will be married 50 years in October. For us, in the beginning it was not having enough money for a long distance call to my Mom let alone the money to go back home.

Today, it's commitment, willingness to compromise (he does that really well too), it's never sharing a bathroom, never sharing a bedroom, never sharing a closet, and both having the vehicle they want. And never having to share the TV clicker.

See how simple this all is?

[Firebird]

I like the sense of humor ingredient.  DH makes me laugh on a daily basis, it's the sexiest thing in the world. 

The commitment aspect is important too.  If you're not both willing to work at things, forget it. 

[Firebird]

Jul 10, 2014 12:14:57 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

We will be married 50 years in October. For us, in the beginning it was not having enough money for a long distance call to my Mom let alone the money to go back home.

Today, it's commitment, willingness to compromise (he does that really well too), it's never sharing a bathroom, never sharing a bedroom, never sharing a closet, and both having the vehicle they want. And never having to share the TV clicker.

See how simple this all is?

Sounds good to me!

Congrats to you too.  I have all the respects for the golden couples.  To me, a long and successful marriage is way more impressive than a long and successful career. 

[Jake 48]

Getting the last words in "yes dear"

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2014 12:14:41 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Jul 10, 2014 12:01:53 GMT -5 @lonewolf said:

We will have been married 50 years next year and I think it is due to having respect for each others feelings, needs and wants.
If you treat your friends better than your SO, something is wrong.

Congratulations   That's a major accomplishment.

Thanks. 

[kcladyjane]

I say committment, sense of humor, ability to let some things go that bug you, physical attraction, ability to apologize, and adapting.  We have been married almost 7 years and get along great.  There was a short time period in year 4 I worried we wouldn't make it...mostly because he was so stressed with his job that he was constantly cranky.  He has a different job now and has been a lot more happy.  We will have a new challenge coming up with a baby coming in the next couple of months and I hope we adapt to that well together.  We both grew up with parents that were/are married for 35-40 years so I know we both cherish long marriages and know that marriage requires some work.  One thing I think helps too...keeping money separate.  No arguments over money...but having a child will make this separation of money a little more tricky. 

[Blonde Granny]

Ok, in all seriousness: For us it was the ability to make it thru the times of job separations, i.e military. It was the ability to stand shoulder to shoulder, holding hands and facing whatever crisis hit us, and there were more than just a few.  When one of us was weak and scared, the other one took over and filled whatever role was needed.

DH stood by me when I was at my darkest moments, moments when other men would have scampered off to greener pastures.  Now, today it's my turn to stand by him.  We face the future together, secure that both of us will do the right things for each other, because sometimes we only get once chance to do the right thing.

[Sam_2.0]

Commitment, common goals. The fact that even when we are mad at each other we would still prefer to be in the same house together rather than be apart (just maybe in different rooms for awhile ). Respect and trust go a long way too. He will go out with his band buddies for a night out and I never once worry about what's going on, unlike some of the other wives that are constantly calling/texting. We give each other the space to be individuals.

[CarolinaKat]

Snuggles... It's definately the snuggles.

[Sam_2.0]

Jul 10, 2014 12:41:52 GMT -5 CarolinaKat said:

Snuggles... It's definately the snuggles.

Or the king-size bed so I can sleep without someone touching me

[NancysSummerSip]

The ability to let each other go and do things, away from one another, with absolute trust in knowing that you will return to one another. In other words, don't live in each others' damned back pockets all the time.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

One thing we do is no matter how pissed off we are at each other we always kiss each other goodbye.

I'll admit sometimes I've wanted bite his lip off rather than kiss him, but the kissing is a physical reminder that even though we're mad at each other we're still married and we still care about each other.

We also always say "Love you, goodbye" when we leave. Once shortly after Gwen was born I didn't perform the ritual with DH when he left for work. He'd go to work at 4 am in those days so we were both walking zombies. I apparently rolled back over and didn't reply when he said "love you". So he called me at work upset thinking I was really pissed at him. Poor guy.

[raeoflyte]

Codependency.

Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards

[CarolinaKat]

Jul 10, 2014 12:45:20 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

One thing we do is no matter how pissed off we are at each other we always kiss each other goodbye.

I'll admit sometimes I've wanted bite his lip off rather than kiss him, but the kissing is a physical reminder that even though we're mad at each other we're still married and we still care about each other.

We also always say "Love you, goodbye" when we leave. Once shortly after Gwen was born I didn't perform the ritual with DH when he left for work. He'd go to work at 4 am in those days so we were both walking zombies. I apparently rolled back over and didn't reply when he said "love you". So he called me at work upset thinking I was really pissed at him. Poor guy.

Apparently, every morning I tell my husband I love him and to have a good day at work/be safe and kiss him goodbye. However, I am taking his word for it because I am not awake for any of this. He leaves at an obscene time of day to make it to morning PT on time.

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Commitment
Compromise
Cooperation
Communication
Consideration
Common goals
Common values
Common interests
Common sense

... and a quirky sense of humor.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 10, 2014 12:49:32 GMT -5 ❤ mollymouser ❤ said:

Commitment
Compromise
Cooperation
Communication
Consideration
Common goals
Common values
Common interests
Common sense

... and a common quirky sense of humor.

fixed that for you!

[Peace Of Mind]

Jul 10, 2014 12:14:39 GMT -5 busymom said:

Marry your best friend, rather than the hottest person you know.  (I know, I'm no fun.)   A strong friendship can weather many storms.

I married my best friend and he happened to be the hottest person I knew at the time too. But now he's just kind of cute and still my very best friend and the person I like and trust more than any other. 

Is it friendship? Physical chemistry? Shared goals? Similar lifestyles?

Absolutely those things and I'd also add trust and a sense of humor.  But liking your spouse is the most important because eventually (27 years together) the physical chemistry wanes and liking the person keeps that from mattering as much. 

On the days I don't like him pillows become very handy! 

[kittensaver]

Yah - I have my days where I want to kiss him and days where I want to smack him - - but so does he!

I think I'd have to agree that commitment and trust are the biggies. Fun, excitement, fleeting pleasures can be found with almost anyone; finding someone who will "do" life by your side (the good AND the ugly) and will uphold their end of the marriage commitment/bargain is pretty priceless.

JMHO.