Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 18:22:26 GMT -5
Is that a good thing?
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 2, 2014 18:53:05 GMT -5
That's why I was suggesting less 'what's wrong?' And more just support, redirection, etc. You're such a good SAHM. Which relates how exactly? I think you're just bored and trying to stir the pot, but I use more of the techniques Anne and oped posted and I work full time outside the home so you're post makes no sense to me. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 3, 2014 6:42:52 GMT -5
Honestly though, I do have one very over emotional kid and I don't isolate and punish him but I do give him time to himself to regroup, the harder I try to figure out what's going on or get him to settle down, the more he escalates. My son gets emotional too. He gets worse if anyone calls attention to it. It can start because we are yelling at him for something, and it will get worse if we stop and call attention to it. It is actually better for him for everyone to ignore it totally. At this point he can actually calm himself down and stop it as long as no one says anything about it. If anyone does though, then he is "thinking about it" and it will get worse.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 3, 2014 7:24:46 GMT -5
... My son gets emotional too. ... It can start because we are yelling at him ... Hmmmmm.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 3, 2014 7:31:31 GMT -5
... My son gets emotional too. ... It can start because we are yelling at him ... Hmmmmm. First I never said I was a model parent. Second when I tell my 11 year old to do something, or not do it, 19 times without success I get a little perturbed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 7:35:40 GMT -5
Telling 19 times rarely helps parent or child. Is there a less frustrating way you might accomplish the task?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 3, 2014 7:36:11 GMT -5
First I never said I was a model parent. Second when I tell my 11 year old to do something, or not do it, 19 times without success I get a little perturbed. Shoot. I'm perturbed at 3 times. On a generous day.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 3, 2014 7:50:03 GMT -5
... I get a little perturbed. And he gets emotional also. Makes sense to me. You indicated it is best not to point out that he is being emotional at this point. That also makes sense as he likely sees that as him being criticized for the same type behavior he just saw modeled by his parent.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 3, 2014 7:53:47 GMT -5
Telling 19 times rarely helps parent or child. Is there a less frustrating way you might accomplish the task? Doing it myself.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 3, 2014 7:56:00 GMT -5
Telling 19 times rarely helps parent or child. Is there a less frustrating way you might accomplish the task? Doing it myself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 7:59:26 GMT -5
Well doing it yourself could work, if it's something you don't think is important he do for himself at this point.
When they were younger, and it was a task we were working in. I'd say it once. The second time I'd get on their level and make sure they were attending, explain what needed to happen, and what would happen if it didn't... Ie. Explain their options. I might give one more reminder depending but then the 'other options' kicked in...
If I said something 19 times I'd be a basket case.
Eta... I added 'at this point', because I wasn't being snarky. I have suggested to some moms that a particular task might not be something to pick battles on at this point...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 3, 2014 9:39:20 GMT -5
Well doing it yourself could work, if it's something you don't think is important he do for himself at this point. When they were younger, and it was a task we were working in. I'd say it once. The second time I'd get on their level and make sure they were attending, explain what needed to happen, and what would happen if it didn't... Ie. Explain their options. I might give one more reminder depending but then the 'other options' kicked in... If I said something 19 times I'd be a basket case. Eta... I added 'at this point', because I wasn't being snarky. I have suggested to some moms that a particular task might not be something to pick battles on at this point... so I say it once. they ignore.
I say it twice, they ignore.
I say it a third time and advise of the consequences.
I say it a fourth time, invoke the consequences, and now we have a tantrum.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 9:49:32 GMT -5
Well first I'd cut that down one. Then I'd just make sure we have the tantrum in a secure place if possible.
Again, with tough kids I'd pick battles, limiting as much as possible. I tell parents 3 things at most they are picking to work on 'right now'.
Hard kids are hard. I'm sorry. Consistency and follow through on a limited number of issues, giving them lots of choice and control over the things that 'don't matter' is best, but it's still not easy.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 10:06:10 GMT -5
I've always wondered what happened at the camp for bad children my mom sent her stepson to. He was still an asshole when he got back but he didnt cause anymore trouble in the home until he left for the military. Whatever happened there had to be so much worse than home that he never wanted to go back.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 3, 2014 10:09:56 GMT -5
I would cut it down to once with a reasonable time limit to meet the request. If the request is not fulfilled within that time limit, I would let them know there will be a consequence and that you will let them know what that consequence will be once you decide what it will be. At a later inconvenient time for them, I would let them know what that consequence will be. Then later, I would impose that consequence.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 3, 2014 10:53:57 GMT -5
Counting doesn't work so hot for me. DS is more reward oriented so we use a puffball jar. Every time he does something well or quickly he gets a puff ball. When it's filled to the top he gets to pick out a toy at the store. The other day for the first time ever I had to pull out a puff ball for bad behavior. DS was so stunned he didn't say anything. I might do that. DD is very reward oriented. I just hate giving rewards for what I consider expected behavior.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jul 3, 2014 10:57:05 GMT -5
Counting doesn't work so hot for me. DS is more reward oriented so we use a puffball jar. Every time he does something well or quickly he gets a puff ball. When it's filled to the top he gets to pick out a toy at the store. The other day for the first time ever I had to pull out a puff ball for bad behavior. DS was so stunned he didn't say anything. I might do that. DD is very reward oriented. I just hate giving rewards for what I consider expected behavior. Yes but if it works, you may be able to phase that portion out after a while. Worth a shot!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 11:09:53 GMT -5
I have a friend who is a control freak. She is married to a control freak. They are both on psych meds. I ask her repeatedly... Who did you think you were going to give birth to and why do you expect things from an 8 year old that you struggle with yourself?
Expected behavior can be tricky. With difficult kids you really need to break it down to safety and security first. Then add other things in gradually. Or life will be a constant struggle.
Honestly as much control as kids can exercise helps. Giving choices helps.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 3, 2014 11:49:09 GMT -5
Doing it myself. I haven't seen this video before and don't have a lot of experience parenting, but my 2.5 year old is becoming quite the challenge lately. She got frustrated and threw a bunch of markers on the floor yesterday. Her dad who was sitting with us, told her to pick them up and she angrily said "no- you put them away". I thought to myself, this is not going to be good. Then she started whining and wanting to sit on my lap (which is about the time I normally get accused of coddling). I told her she needed to pick them up before she went to bed, which was an hour. Neither one of us said another word about the markers, nor did we pick them up ourselves. Right before it was time to go upstairs, she very nicely picked up the markers. I was quite pleased. I offered no reward. Last week, she cleaned up her whole room, the toy room and helped me pick up my room since she was procrastinating going to bed. Again, I offered no reward. I figured if she's going to fight bedtime, might as well make it productive. So, maybe it's not crazy for me to use bedtime to my advantage.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:03:57 GMT -5
Every kid is different. I'm always glad when parents find the thing that works!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2014 12:11:59 GMT -5
I've found Gwen will help me clean up if I let her be "in charge" of the Windex bottle. I got her to clean up all her toys while I sat on the couch. It's amazing the power Windex holds over a 3 year old. Bet it won't work this weekend.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:19:27 GMT -5
Windex might not, but the ability to be 'in charge' (ie have some control over space/time/activity) probably will!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 3, 2014 12:33:05 GMT -5
We need a best parenting tips thread for these. I get a lot of great ideas, but fall short in follow through.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 3, 2014 12:34:27 GMT -5
I've tried letting her be in charge of chores before and she usually decides to delegate. It was something about the Windex. The kid wanted to spray it on EVERYTHING. I even got her to clean the bathroom sink. I didn't get it but I decided to roll with it as long as she didn't start playing with it or spray it on anything I didn't say was all right. Maybe she's like the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 12:36:14 GMT -5
I'm surprised children like this make it to adulthood.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 3, 2014 12:38:35 GMT -5
I'm surprised children like this make it to adulthood. My sister is one. She is very successful.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:41:36 GMT -5
Why? Do adults generally go around doing everything they are told? Do you expects adults personalities and desires and learned behaviors, etc somehow emerge/converge after their 18 th birthday?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2014 12:43:00 GMT -5
There are days I get by saying, Stephen King had a mother, Neil Gaiman had a mother, Quentin Terantino had a mother, etc, etc...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 3, 2014 12:43:07 GMT -5
I'm surprised children like this make it to adulthood. My sister is one. She is very successful. Your mom is a saint.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jul 3, 2014 12:55:08 GMT -5
Windex might not, but the ability to be 'in charge' (ie have some control over space/time/activity) probably will! That was always our philosophy with the Boy. Even now I'll say "hey bud, when you get a chance will you unload the dishwasher? No rush, I just need it done before we finish eating dinner". 90% of the time he does it right then and there and the other 10% he'll tell me "do you mind if I finish this game and do it in a few minutes?" Always does what ever chore it is like that without complaint. We started that when he was younger so that he had some control over the time frame.
For a while we'd set the timer and if he said "can I do it in 20 minutes?" we'd set the timer for 20 minutes so he'd know when it went off that it was time to do the chore he was asked to do.
IDK_ that seemed to work for us. I'm realizing that what works for my kid doesn't seem to always be feasible for other kids. We just noticed that his chief complaint was that the chore we asked him to do wasn't something that necessarily needed to be done immediately and if we gave him advance warning he could get to a good stopping point in whatever it was he was doing- reading, legos, video game, riding his bike, etc. His frustrations arose from the "I need you to do this now" when it didn't really matter if he did it right then or in 10 minutes. Some things like letting the dog out or cleaning up a spill were more immediate but putting away his toys, unloading the dishwasher, bringing his clean clothes to his room, and so forth weren't immediate things.
The other thing we'd do is set a timer to see how fast he could do it. I'd bet him. "I'll bet you one matchbox car (cookie, let you stay up 10 minutes late, etc.) that you can't pick up all of these toys (and put them away nicely) in 5 minutes" He seemed to enjoy the challenge and was always thrilled when he won like he had "beat" his old mom at something.
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