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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 23:05:25 GMT -5
Could you rent the place out and then rent somewhere in town? Maybe you don't have to give it up, but just give yourself a break for a few years. It could lower your cost of living to give you some breathing room and then give you a break on maintenance too. I could be way off base, but maybe one of the reasons you are missing your ex is it would be nice to have someone help out with all this work. Maybe if you could simplify your life you wont miss him. And if you tell me he never helped with this anyway, then I'll ask you what good was he He wasn't much help with the yard work. I probably still did 80% of everything, house and yard, but adjusting to the extra 20% has been a bitch. He was good for cooking, watching the kids so I could work and foot rubs when I was done. I do really miss the foot rubs. Like, I said, I've been here quite a while, always did all the yard work, and was a single mom for 5 years with the place from 2004-2009 handling everything. Either the extra kid is that much more work or it's all the extra curriculars older son is in, or maybe I'm just getting old! Renting it might stress me out more. There are a lot of quirks to the place with the water issues and avoiding flooding especially in the late winter/early spring.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 23:09:59 GMT -5
Do you have a separate guest house or guest quarters where you could take in a boarder who would do all the property maintenance in exchange for rent? Or barter some work for eggs, etc? Hire some teenagers for cheap to help with some of the labor? It's all I can do to keep my kitchen cleaned... I can't imagine having to maintain that much land! No guest house, but I often fantasize about taking in some young military wife/mother whose husband is deployed. LOL She could stay here for free in exchange for housework and maybe daycare. Last Fall my ex SIL and her husband almost moved in. She was applying for jobs in my town but didn't want to buy just yet. It would have been awesome. They would have paid rent and she is a cleaning/organizing fanatic. I've lived with her a couple times before in the past 20 years, so I know we get along. Unfortunately the job fell through and she's not moving to the area.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 5, 2014 8:16:31 GMT -5
Could you board a horse or 2 for cash or yardwork? Something that wouldn't add much work to your already very busy day but that allow you to outsource some bigger jobs?
I could never keep up on that much property by myself with the kids but it would be really hard to give it up.
Renting out the house still sounds like something to consider. You could come by the property often and make sure that they do everything necessary to keep it from flooding and checking on and even doing yard work when you wanted to. Just for a couple years until you've found your new normal.
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jul 5, 2014 11:44:30 GMT -5
This guys got nothing else going on right now other than to bother her and pull her chain. Once he finds himself a new squeeze or gets some income going so he can resume his drug of choice...she and the kid will be off his radar. He will drift off, like many NCDs do, rack up a hefty back child support tab and be a relatively non existent entity after a period of time. He will probably turn up here and there when he's broke or has nothing else to do, but the notion that they will get back together and it will all be great and ride off into the sunset is ridiculous...as is the fear that any court on the planet is going to change custody. He's not your typical deadbeat dad. He has a weird obsession with our son. Its why he isnt speaking with one brother (assaulted him after accidentally knocking our son down) and part of the reason he spent 6 months in jail. He isnt smart but I dont see him just going away either. Yeah well my ex has a weird obsession with me. Whenever he gets a bee in his bonnet about something, I get texts. I block texts. I don't respond to emails. I don't answer his calls. Its gotten better over the years....been 2 years since the last round of nonsense over the fact I blocked him from seeing my FaceBook. We have been divorced for 19 years and he has had 2 wives since then (and is married) and he still cant get over the fact that I left him. He also flipped out when I left and spent some minimal time locked up in a hospital. I learned 18 1/2 years ago to quit playing the game. Your ex is the typical ex who doesn't accept responsibility for his actions. The jail thing adds a little color to the story, but the rest isn't all that uncommon.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 13:18:40 GMT -5
"He's not your typical deadbeat dad. He has a weird obsession with our son."
I don't know. Going to jail and not being responsible (with money or other things) sounds like pretty typical deadbeat dad to me. I don't think a deadbeat dad is just defined as an absent or uninvolved dad. Also his obsession with your son might be just a result of you being the mother (i mean he is obsessed with you and the son is a way to be in your life).
You do not have to meet everytime he asks and it doesnt have to be about what he wants to do. Like somebody suggested, just have a set day and time every week or every other week at a public place where you can keep an eye but not necessarily sit with him. Let him get his a$$ over there himself however he does. Also, stop calculating what he needs to be paying, how long his money will last. It is not your concern other than getting your child support but i am going to assume that will not be very easy to get going forward. You already have 2 kids to take care of, you do not need to take care of him. You do not have to and cannot help him be a parent.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 13:20:37 GMT -5
Could you board a horse or 2 for cash or yardwork? Something that wouldn't add much work to your already very busy day but that allow you to outsource some bigger jobs? I could never keep up on that much property by myself with the kids but it would be really hard to give it up. Renting out the house still sounds like something to consider. You could come by the property often and make sure that they do everything necessary to keep it from flooding and checking on and even doing yard work when you wanted to. Just for a couple years until you've found your new normal. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I LOVE my farm. Not the house, I wish the damn thing would burn down so I could rebuild without a basement that floods, but the property, the seclusion, the coyotes howling at night, the neighbors...it's my little sanctuary. I started planning this place when I was in high school and bought the land not long after and just slowly worked on building the dream. It was just a corn field when I got it, then I built a barn, then the house... I was raised on a farm and lived in town for a few years, but I hated it. I am contemplating going back because I might be able to be mortgage free and just focus on saving for college and retirement, but, I don't know...would it be worth it if I wasn't happy? I'd never get back. No bank in the world would approve me for a loan for a place like this, but if I just keep paying I'm good. I really like the yardwork (except trimming, I hate that, but I only do it once a month), and in reality, this is MN. It's only for a few months of the year. It's the house and the maintenance stuff that has me beaten down. Our company shut down for 10 days (unpaid...yay), and I thought I'd get caught up, but it's not happening. There's always a snake in the mower or something. Today it is older son's scouting stuff. He leaves for camp up north in a week and has to have a ton of merit badge prerequisites done. In theory, this should not be my problem, but he requires a lot of "coaching". Plans were to mow the trail and weed the garden, but we all slept in, and now were invited to a bocce ball game and grill out at the neighbors starting in a couple hours. I'm from a family of women that all juggle 100 things at once, so I don't get a lot of sympathy from them. My grandmother was the ultimate superwoman, to this day I don't know how she did it. My mom has a lot of land, my aunt lives next door and has 3 times the land and animals and flies to NC every Sunday to work and then flies back on Friday, my other aunt manages a bunch of properties and was still adopting babies into her 50's. Of course, they're all married and don't have to do it alone. I don't think they get that part.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 14:25:52 GMT -5
Find the time to read CoDependent No More and you will find a lot more time in your life and will no longer be the victim/martyr.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2014 15:21:02 GMT -5
Find the time to read CoDependent No More and you will find a lot more time in your life and will no longer be the victim/martyr. I did read the book. I really don't spend my day worrying about the ex (at least not anymore, that wasn't the case a year ago) Honestly, I think these boards and evening TV are the biggest time sucks for me.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 5:45:34 GMT -5
I think you really need to focus about what is best for YOU and your current situation. For some people, having a large property to maintain simply is not worth the time and effort for the reward. That is something only you can decide for you. I personally wouldn't want to spend so much time on yard work and other chores of that nature at this point in my life. There are only 24 hours in a day. And, if you are working full time, that doesn't leave a lot of time for chores, let alone for spending time with your child or other things. And, there is expense and upkeep. I have some friends who have lifestyle creep where they bought a bigger home, larger property, then all the toys like ATVs, campers, multiple pets, swimming pool, etc. And, don't get me wrong, all those things are great fun to own. But, over the years, I have learned that stuff and ownership comes with a price in terms of your time. So, I think the real key is to sort out what is valuable to YOU and your family and what is not. And, if country living is what is important to you, then you can find a way to make it work. Maybe you just don't need to trim as much right now and let some of the yard just go wild. You can always get back to it next summer or whatever when you have more time. I guess my point is that you can find the balance that works for you.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 6, 2014 7:10:56 GMT -5
I don't have anything to add but was wondering how the older boy is dealing with all this drama? If memory serves me he is the son by another husband? Does he live with you also or with his dad? What is his reaction to all this? Sorry but I don't remember his age.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 8:53:29 GMT -5
I think you really need to focus about what is best for YOU and your current situation. For some people, having a large property to maintain simply is not worth the time and effort for the reward. That is something only you can decide for you. I personally wouldn't want to spend so much time on yard work and other chores of that nature at this point in my life. There are only 24 hours in a day. And, if you are working full time, that doesn't leave a lot of time for chores, let alone for spending time with your child or other things. And, there is expense and upkeep. I have some friends who have lifestyle creep where they bought a bigger home, larger property, then all the toys like ATVs, campers, multiple pets, swimming pool, etc. And, don't get me wrong, all those things are great fun to own. But, over the years, I have learned that stuff and ownership comes with a price in terms of your time. So, I think the real key is to sort out what is valuable to YOU and your family and what is not. And, if country living is what is important to you, then you can find a way to make it work. Maybe you just don't need to trim as much right now and let some of the yard just go wild. You can always get back to it next summer or whatever when you have more time. I guess my point is that you can find the balance that works for you. The thing is, even selling and moving seems like a Herculean task. Getting the place ready for a realtor to see? Ugh. The shed alone has so much crap in it and then it's just a mess. Spider webs everywhere, the windows you can't even see through. The house hasn't been restored since the flood (carpet is still rolled up and on chairs in the family room), and when trying to figure out where I was getting mice, I found an even bigger problem in that the cement from the sidewalk had broke away from the front steps and it's letting water under the steps against the wood which has rotted through (leaving nice big hole for the mice). I keep saying I'm just going to plug away at everything a little at a time, but I'm not making any headway at all.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 8:59:55 GMT -5
I don't have anything to add but was wondering how the older boy is dealing with all this drama? If memory serves me he is the son by another husband? Does he live with you also or with his dad? What is his reaction to all this? Sorry but I don't remember his age. He will be 12 next week and lives with me. I guess he isn't really exposed to any drama...at least not anymore. He has only seen the ex one time in the past year and it was kind of a chance encounter at soccer practice for younger son. He knows he was in jail and he knows we divorced, but other than that I don't really talk to him about it. His Dad might, I don't know. I keep his Dad informed for the most part. My son does see a counselor. He's been having trouble in school, but this is kind of an ongoing things since before I even met stepdad. He's very smart, but a social misfit, he has a hard time being accepted by other kids.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 6, 2014 9:00:53 GMT -5
This. I was wondering with the scouting, can you just print out the requirements and use it as a check list and then help your DS set some goals? That gives him a little direction, but then puts it back on him to work on. I only work with DS in 15 minute chunks. (More than that, and he feels like it's too much work.) Usually, we just work through the reading/discuss things. While he reads, I'm doing something else. Then we take a few minutes to discuss. If DH works on any scouting with DS, it's always while DH is making dinner. We don't watch a ton of tv. Once, it took us two weeks to get through two episodes of Game of Thrones. We are currently working on NCIS episodes from October. We also do the mentalist, but I didn't watch it at all last season. Personally, I've had issues of be here and on the internet way to much. I use it as an escape and to fill some of my emotional needs. Getting out of the habit is SUPER hard, particularly when I'm at work.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 6, 2014 9:03:49 GMT -5
A little musical intervention for you
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:10:44 GMT -5
This. I was wondering with the scouting, can you just print out the requirements and use it as a check list and then help your DS set some goals? That gives him a little direction, but then puts it back on him to work on. I only work with DS in 15 minute chunks. (More than that, and he feels like it's too much work.) Usually, we just work through the reading/discuss things. While he reads, I'm doing something else. Then we take a few minutes to discuss. If DH works on any scouting with DS, it's always while DH is making dinner. We don't watch a ton of tv. Once, it took us two weeks to get through two episodes of Game of Thrones. We are currently working on NCIS episodes from October. We also do the mentalist, but I didn't watch it at all last season. Personally, I've had issues of be here and on the internet way to much. I use it as an escape and to fill some of my emotional needs. Getting out of the habit is SUPER hard, particularly when I'm at work. I'll bet between this board, a couple other I go to and TV, it's at least 4-5 hours a DAY. Granted, a lot of that is late night TV after the kids are in bed when about the only other thing I'd be doing is reading, but still... Scouting is a killer right now. DS leaves next week for summer camp and is doing 4 merit badges there and several have pre-reqs, including getting the First Aid merit badge done before he leaves. Some of the requirements he does need a lot of help with. Right now he's building an emergency kit for our house and of course we don't have half the stuff or it's things I don't want him socking away in a tote in the basement, so today we get to run to town to buy things for that. Stuff I wouldn't normally buy...a second set of tools, rope, another flashlight, non-perishable food... Plus he has two merit badges from this past year that are almost done, but he just needs to finish, so we're juggling SEVEN of them right now.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2014 9:16:05 GMT -5
Maybe older son's father could help with that?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 6, 2014 9:29:31 GMT -5
This. I was wondering with the scouting, can you just print out the requirements and use it as a check list and then help your DS set some goals? That gives him a little direction, but then puts it back on him to work on. I only work with DS in 15 minute chunks. (More than that, and he feels like it's too much work.) Usually, we just work through the reading/discuss things. While he reads, I'm doing something else. Then we take a few minutes to discuss. If DH works on any scouting with DS, it's always while DH is making dinner. We don't watch a ton of tv. Once, it took us two weeks to get through two episodes of Game of Thrones. We are currently working on NCIS episodes from October. We also do the mentalist, but I didn't watch it at all last season. Personally, I've had issues of be here and on the internet way to much. I use it as an escape and to fill some of my emotional needs. Getting out of the habit is SUPER hard, particularly when I'm at work. I'll bet between this board, a couple other I go to and TV, it's at least 4-5 hours a DAY. Granted, a lot of that is late night TV after the kids are in bed when about the only other thing I'd be doing is reading, but still... Scouting is a killer right now. DS leaves next week for summer camp and is doing 4 merit badges there and several have pre-reqs, including getting the First Aid merit badge done before he leaves. Some of the requirements he does need a lot of help with. Right now he's building an emergency kit for our house and of course we don't have half the stuff or it's things I don't want him socking away in a tote in the basement, so today we get to run to town to buy things for that. Stuff I wouldn't normally buy...a second set of tools, rope, another flashlight, non-perishable food... Plus he has two merit badges from this past year that are almost done, but he just needs to finish, so we're juggling SEVEN of them right now. Does your council have a list of merit badge counselors? I was the merit badge counselor for personal management for quite some time. That might take some off of you...
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 9:29:34 GMT -5
"The thing is, even selling and moving seems like a Herculean task. Getting the place ready for a realtor to see? Ugh. The shed alone has so much crap in it and then it's just a mess. Spider webs everywhere, the windows you can't even see through. The house hasn't been restored since the flood (carpet is still rolled up and on chairs in the family room), and when trying to figure out where I was getting mice, I found an even bigger problem in that the cement from the sidewalk had broke away from the front steps and it's letting water under the steps against the wood which has rotted through (leaving nice big hole for the mice). I keep saying I'm just going to plug away at everything a little at a time, but I'm not making any headway at all. "
Yes. There is a lot to do either way. I guess you have to decide if the long term gain of doing so would outweigh the work to get to that point in the short term. As for selling, you don't have to fix everything before you sell. Yeah, I know, some people are going to tell you that you HAVE too. You don't. If you are serious about selling then you simply DO whatever it is you can Do to get the property in its' best shape. The biggest bangs for the buck are to clean, clean, clean and declutter inside and out. Even if you have to pile all your stuff up in one place like the barn. Most people realize that you have to put your "stuff" somewhere. So, if you can clear the house and pile it up in one location to make the home show ready, it can be done. Clean and scrubbed is what will really sell it. And, if you can, a fresh coat of paint here or there or even on baseboards goes a long way. And, if there are some issues with the home, you disclose those in your disclosure sheet. No home is in perfect condition.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:33:25 GMT -5
Maybe older son's father could help with that? He is an adult leader in scouts and takes him to a ton of camp outs and stuff, but when it comes to merit badge requirements, he tends to leave that to me. He did do all the bike rides with him for the biking one and built the rocket with him for space exploration, but all this nitty gritty crap of writing reports, and practicing first aid skills is up to me or it won't get done. He's really busy too. He's been building his own house for the past few years and has a one year old and a useless wife. Seriously, I can't believe he left me for her. I have yet to show up there and not find her either in her pajamas or napping and he does all the housework, cooking and childcare when he's not at work. It's just weird.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 6, 2014 9:34:42 GMT -5
Are you a member of a church? If you are, talk to your pastor or minister about the help you need with the house. Our church used to regularly do projects to help people fix up their houses. We did them not only for members of our own church but just random people who would ask the church for help, so even if you're not a member of a church, please check around to see if any of the local churches would help.
I know it must seem really overwhelming. You're doing the right stuff - keep doing it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:41:26 GMT -5
Does your council have a list of merit badge counselors? I was the merit badge counselor for personal management for quite some time. That might take some off of you... I'm not sure about a list, this is our first year post Cub Scouts, so I'm still trying to figure it out. I had left it to his Dad earlier in the year, but we were obviously falling behind, so I stepped in and he got 2nd and 1st class all done for the Spring Court of Honor. I know he works with counselors for parts of them, but it seems that most he has to do on his own and then have the counselor sign off on things. I can't sign off on anything. First Aid is nice, they meet weekly, so I don't have to do much with that, the rest are going to be at camp and I have no clue who counsels there, but they gave me a list of things he needed to have done ahead of time. Cycling and Space Exploration he started with his Dad and they both have one thing left each. I'm glad to hear you only work in 15 minute blocks. I was thinking my son was just not really into it because it seems I have to constantly be on him to do this stuff and he complains about all the work it is. Yesterday I told him if he didn't want to do it just quit scouts, no sweat off my back. He didn't like that idea at all.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:44:16 GMT -5
"He's been building his own house for the past few years and has a one year old and a useless wife. Seriously, I can't believe he left me for her. I have yet to show up there and not find her either in her pajamas or napping and he does all the housework, cooking and childcare when he's not at work. It's just weird."
I thought you said she watched both of your kids once in a while. Just because she is not into the same kind of work as you, i wouldnt call her useless. And i think a lot of man seem to prefer women that are ummm.. less capable.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:45:55 GMT -5
Maybe she is depressed? Not that the Ex's wife is more than a side note...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:52:33 GMT -5
"He's been building his own house for the past few years and has a one year old and a useless wife. Seriously, I can't believe he left me for her. I have yet to show up there and not find her either in her pajamas or napping and he does all the housework, cooking and childcare when he's not at work. It's just weird." I thought you said she watched both of your kids once in a while. Just because she is not into the same kind of work as you, i wouldnt call her useless. And i think a lot of man seem to prefer women that are ummm.. less capable. She's not into ANY kind of work. She doesn't do ANYTHING. The house is a disaster, she doesn't have a job, she doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she doesn't even bother to put clothes on. Yeah, I do drop the kids off there sometimes,, but I wouldn't say she watches them. I'm pretty sure older son does most of that. Last week I picked up older son from there and the 1 year old was wandering around the house. I asked where V was and he said "I don't know, I think she's sleeping". I called the ex and said his daughter was just wandering around and he might want to call his wife to get her out of bed.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 9:57:26 GMT -5
"The thing is, even selling and moving seems like a Herculean task. Getting the place ready for a realtor to see? Ugh. The shed alone has so much crap in it and then it's just a mess. Spider webs everywhere, the windows you can't even see through. The house hasn't been restored since the flood (carpet is still rolled up and on chairs in the family room), and when trying to figure out where I was getting mice, I found an even bigger problem in that the cement from the sidewalk had broke away from the front steps and it's letting water under the steps against the wood which has rotted through (leaving nice big hole for the mice). I keep saying I'm just going to plug away at everything a little at a time, but I'm not making any headway at all. " Yes. There is a lot to do either way. I guess you have to decide if the long term gain of doing so would outweigh the work to get to that point in the short term. As for selling, you don't have to fix everything before you sell. Yeah, I know, some people are going to tell you that you HAVE too. You don't. If you are serious about selling then you simply DO whatever it is you can Do to get the property in its' best shape. The biggest bangs for the buck are to clean, clean, clean and declutter inside and out. Even if you have to pile all your stuff up in one place like the barn. Most people realize that you have to put your "stuff" somewhere. So, if you can clear the house and pile it up in one location to make the home show ready, it can be done. Clean and scrubbed is what will really sell it. And, if you can, a fresh coat of paint here or there or even on baseboards goes a long way. And, if there are some issues with the home, you disclose those in your disclosure sheet. No home is in perfect condition. except it sounds like she has water damage so either she won't be able to pass a county inspection or a buyer will totally lowball the price as they won't know how much hidden damage there is.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 9:59:57 GMT -5
A buyer can bring in a home inspector or whatever they wish. You can sell a property AS IS if you choose too. There is some work that would be better to have done before. But, there is some work that people THINK they have to do when in reality they are not going to recoup the cost of doing so in a sale.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 10:00:25 GMT -5
Maybe she is depressed? Not that the Ex's wife is more than a side note... Good. She was particularly cruel to me back in the day and while I no longer am plotting her death, her being unhappy with her new life seems like a little bit of long overdue karma.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 10:01:02 GMT -5
Or, you get an estimate on the cost of repair. You set the price of your house and then you offer an allowance to offset the cost of the repair. There are lots of ways to approach this.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 10:06:01 GMT -5
A buyer can bring in a home inspector or whatever they wish. You can sell a property AS IS if you choose too. There is some work that would be better to have done before. But, there is some work that people THINK they have to do when in reality they are not going to recoup the cost of doing so in a sale. and in certain places there are things that must be in working order before you can get a certificate of occupancy and live in the place. If she's in one of those places and selling 'as is' means that the buyers can't live in the house until certain things are done, she's limiting her buying pool. and yes you can sell with things that need to be done but for certain things, such as water damage, you never really know the extent of the work until you start doing it. which means if a contractor says $10K for the work, the smart buyer is going to put in some sort of extra contingency for the unknown.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 8:28:59 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 10:14:29 GMT -5
"She was particularly cruel to me back in the day and while I no longer am plotting her death, her being unhappy with her new life seems like a little bit of long overdue karma. "
It sounds like you are still kind of hung up on that past. I am sure the recent events made it worse. It is very understandable. I am sure it is hard to not think what ifs once in a while, i know i would. But try to focus on yourself. As for the things that need to be done, try to focus on one small portion at a time, like maybe one room or one area of the land. You are a very strong woman to go through the things you have. And i really really admire your financial success. I dont know if you see it that way but i think you are doing wonderful.
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