NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 4, 2014 6:20:34 GMT -5
Don't you think that money would last longer if he really, really, really wanted to spend time with his son? If it wouldn't, that should give you a very strong suggestion of just how much interest he really has. I don't know. He has a lot of things he has to pay and no income. I gave him the money 5 days ago and he had to pay me $600 (child support and $100 he owed me), $700 for rent, $500 payment to the jail (they charged him $20/day), and he's taking his car in tomorrow to replace the starter or something and the estimate was 4-$500. So, darn near half gone in 5 days. Utilities, groceries and gas for July, then August rent and child support. Yeah, 6 weeks tops if he doesn't get a job. I am so damned confused.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 4, 2014 7:35:11 GMT -5
The divorce took 11 days. I didn't know I would need to specify all this stuff. I thought the court handled this. I thought our son would be appointed a guardian ad litem, and there would be social workers or something involved. But, I was just asked by my attorney if I wanted the parenting time to be supervised and that's how it was written. As far as the assault and threats. He was never charged with anything but breaking a no contact order. He has no domestic charges on his record. Why was he never charged for the assault and threats, MPL? Was it because you didn't file charges?
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Jul 4, 2014 7:46:24 GMT -5
I don't know. He has a lot of things he has to pay and no income. I gave him the money 5 days ago and he had to pay me $600 (child support and $100 he owed me), $700 for rent, $500 payment to the jail (they charged him $20/day), and he's taking his car in tomorrow to replace the starter or something and the estimate was 4-$500. So, darn near half gone in 5 days. Utilities, groceries and gas for July, then August rent and child support. Yeah, 6 weeks tops if he doesn't get a job. I am so damned confused. If I understand correctly, MPL helped ex withdraw money from his IRA. It did not come out of her funds.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 4, 2014 7:50:35 GMT -5
Stop "helping" him do anything. He needs to help himself. YOu can't help someone that won't help himself. He has CHOOSEN to live the life he is now leading.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 8:52:00 GMT -5
I didn't HELP him get his money (outside of writing him the check I suppose). Since I set it up, the Fidelity account where his IRA was held was still linked to my checking, so that's where the deposit came. This was the second time this happened. He withdrew 10K a couple months ago and I threatened to keep it, so I assumed he would have taken the steps to change the account info, but apparently not. This time I held the check ransom until he logged in and deleted the account link in front of me.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 9:00:03 GMT -5
The divorce took 11 days. I didn't know I would need to specify all this stuff. I thought the court handled this. I thought our son would be appointed a guardian ad litem, and there would be social workers or something involved. But, I was just asked by my attorney if I wanted the parenting time to be supervised and that's how it was written. As far as the assault and threats. He was never charged with anything but breaking a no contact order. He has no domestic charges on his record. Why was he never charged for the assault and threats, MPL? Was it because you didn't file charges? The police weren't involved in most of it. I waited too long to admit that I was at BIL's house the day the threats were made because everyone was telling me I'd get in trouble for showing up at a birthday party at his families house with our son knowing there was a no contact order. The one time the cops were called, the charges didn't stick. He plead guilty to a couple lesser charges and they dropped it. I was ready to call for anything after that, but it was only a few weeks later that he was jailed and I was nowhere near him at the time and didn't even know about it until a few days later.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 4, 2014 9:03:08 GMT -5
Why was he never charged for the assault and threats, MPL? Was it because you didn't file charges? The police weren't involved in most of it. I waited too long to admit that I was at BIL's house the day the threats were made because everyone was telling me I'd get in trouble for showing up at a birthday party at his families house with our son knowing there was a no contact order. The one time the cops were called, the charges didn't stick. He plead guilty to a couple lesser charges and they dropped it. I was ready to call for anything after that, but it was only a few weeks later that he was jailed and I was nowhere near him at the time and didn't even know about it until a few days later. Okay, that makes sense. Thanks for explaining.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 4, 2014 9:14:34 GMT -5
Don't you think that money would last longer if he really, really, really wanted to spend time with his son? If it wouldn't, that should give you a very strong suggestion of just how much interest he really has. I don't know. He has a lot of things he has to pay and no income. I gave him the money 5 days ago and he had to pay me $600 (child support and $100 he owed me), $700 for rent, $500 payment to the jail (they charged him $20/day), and he's taking his car in tomorrow to replace the starter or something and the estimate was 4-$500. So, darn near half gone in 5 days. Utilities, groceries and gas for July, then August rent and child support. Yeah, 6 weeks tops if he doesn't get a job. I know it is hard because you are use to helping him, but keep telling yourself that this isn't your problem. You are divorced and he is an adult. Figure out if you can come up with the money for half the visits, let him figure out how to come up with his half. Also, I would take a look at your schedule and figure out where the priorities are. If you always feel 10 hours a week behind, that is going to wear you down quick.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 9:35:40 GMT -5
MPL is in a very tough situation. Dealing with someone with mental health problems is not something attorneys or the courts deal with well. While MPL is not the only one who has dealt with a spouse that plummets into a mental break, you wouldn't know it by how the courts behave. The police ARE helpful with this, but are just as frustrated with courts. It isn't dealt with "until something happens". Until the court sees something documented and extreme happen they decide the custodial parent is being over-protective. MPL isn't a drama queen, so I trust her spidey-sense on this.
MPL has seen the ex exhibit obsessive behavior towards the child. This IS part of the disorder. And no offense to anyone dealing with mental health issues, but this kind of disorder seems to come with extreme cunning and street-smarts. You are at war with someone who is constantly strategizing and figuring out what angles they can work. MPL needs to snap out of thinking the condition, break or obsessions are not his fault. It is unfortunate but they are part of who he is. It is extra draining because MPL is probably trying to predict or out-think the ex to keep her son safe. This doesn't work MPL! You will never be able to predict what a warped mind will do because logic isn't part of their constraints.
MPL is right to provide her child with the supervised visit protection. It used to be that there were charity organizations that ran supervised visit sessions at low or no cost. A lot of them went away during the recession. She can check around, but it sounds like she lives in a rural area and might not have these services. What she needs is some down-time for herself.
MPL are there any options to get you help with household chores? Can your parents give you some temporary assistance with a part time mother's helper who can run laundry or take some of those burdens off your shoulders? How about someone local to help cut grass or things like that that take hours from you. Getting yourself 4 hours of break time a week might be very restorative and help you deal with the drain of time for supervised visits. Your other option is to try to get a family member to take the role for one day a month. Is the SIL rational? Would she monitor ex & child at her day for a day a month? Would she follow rules like not letting ex leave with child in vehicle unless she is with them?
Please in the future, call the police when the ex does things like create the stand-off in the street with the kid. Any whack-a-doodle behavior has to have a report behind it. He's temporarily better, but the noodle can slip off the plate anytime his chemistry gets out of balance.
EDIT: Just saw the last couple posts. Call police regardless - they are your only ally in this battle. The objective isn't to get him put in jail, but to show the pattern of behavior. Even if charges get dropped down, the original record is there. Later when you need this, the judge will see each incident documented including the officer's observations where they state if they see evidence that supports your account of the incident.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jul 4, 2014 9:42:32 GMT -5
... Also, I would take a look at your schedule and figure out where the priorities are. If you always feel 10 hours a week behind, that is going to wear you down quick. My wife is in the same situation. She is constantly explaining to me, with great enthusiasm, how she doesn't have the time and energy to get done all she needs to get done. I wish I could help her find a way to solve the problem.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 4, 2014 10:14:35 GMT -5
I am so damned confused. If I understand correctly, MPL helped ex withdraw money from his IRA. It did not come out of her funds. Ok that explains that.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 4, 2014 10:20:35 GMT -5
What might help, MPL, is to set up a standing schedule for the ex's supervised visits. That would serve to stop the constant texting. Let him know he can visit with his son on Wednesdays and Saturdays (or whatever days suit you) for X many hours. Also, let him know there will be no discussion and no changes unless something very unusual comes up. Set up every other holiday with a visitation period. Then, don't answer his texts unless you absolutely must (he's sick and can't come, etc.). Let him know he'll have to arrange his own transportation. That's not your job. It's his. Enabling his irresponsibility isn't helping him, or you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 11:31:56 GMT -5
MPL are there any options to get you help with household chores? Can your parents give you some temporary assistance with a part time mother's helper who can run laundry or take some of those burdens off your shoulders? How about someone local to help cut grass or things like that that take hours from you. Getting yourself 4 hours of break time a week might be very restorative and help you deal with the drain of time for supervised visits. Your other option is to try to get a family member to take the role for one day a month. Is the SIL rational? Would she monitor ex & child at her day for a day a month? Would she follow rules like not letting ex leave with child in vehicle unless she is with them? I think my big problem is all the property to maintain and letting things get behind the last year or two while I was overwhelmed with husband's problems and my personal depression that came with it. Things like painting, fence repairs, etc. were neglected and didn't go away and have got worse. For example along my entire property line boxelder trees are always trying to grow. Normally I go out a few times a year and pull/cut them, well, last year I didn't, and probably not even the fall before. I now have about 50 damn trees that are 10-15 feet tall. It's going to be a huge job with a chainsaw and trucks and trailers. Same deal with the house after the flood. Lots of things need to be done. Plus, this is a bad time of the year. The lawn needs to get mowed every 4 or 5 days and it takes several hours if everything goes right. Which it rarely does! Last week, started mowing and the tie rod broke on the tractor. I spent an hour and a half trying to figure out a way to deal with that temporarily (zip ties ) and then DS comes out and says we have no hot water, so have to fix that. The new tie rod came when I was on vacation and I replaced it (had to call a neighbor to help because I needed a vise grips), mowed for 10 minutes and there was a snake in the yard, called DS who is obsessed with snakes and the freaking snake crawled up into the mower and into the belts on the deck. After unsuccessfully trying to get him out with the hose, I finally had to dig out tools to take the belt guards off to get him out. Mowed another few laps and notice the 4 year old jumping up and down in the driveway trying to flag me down. Chick is out. These new buggers are a lot less friendly and are already jumping out of the pool. Caught him, got bubble guns out for the kids, and went back to mowing. Made it about 45 minutes and ran out of gas (we're 15 miles from town). I got an hour of mowing done in an entire afternoon/evening. This is a typical day! I won't even talk about my garden. That is totally out of control. I used to be on top of it...at least when there was just one kid....so I know it's possible.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 11:37:54 GMT -5
I don't know. He has a lot of things he has to pay and no income. I gave him the money 5 days ago and he had to pay me $600 (child support and $100 he owed me), $700 for rent, $500 payment to the jail (they charged him $20/day), and he's taking his car in tomorrow to replace the starter or something and the estimate was 4-$500. So, darn near half gone in 5 days. Utilities, groceries and gas for July, then August rent and child support. Yeah, 6 weeks tops if he doesn't get a job. I know it is hard because you are use to helping him, but keep telling yourself that this isn't your problem. You are divorced and he is an adult. Figure out if you can come up with the money for half the visits, let him figure out how to come up with his half.Also, I would take a look at your schedule and figure out where the priorities are. If you always feel 10 hours a week behind, that is going to wear you down quick. Well, I just know I can't. I take home $3100/month with child support and the house payment and childcare are over 2K alone. Throw utilities, gas and food in there and we're pretty wiped out.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 11:58:05 GMT -5
I know it is hard because you are use to helping him, but keep telling yourself that this isn't your problem. You are divorced and he is an adult. Figure out if you can come up with the money for half the visits, let him figure out how to come up with his half.Also, I would take a look at your schedule and figure out where the priorities are. If you always feel 10 hours a week behind, that is going to wear you down quick. Well, I just know I can't. I take home $3100/month with child support and the house payment and childcare are over 2K alone. Throw utilities, gas and food in there and we're pretty wiped out. maybe you need to move to an apartment where you don't have any house or yard maintenance to worry about.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 12:28:26 GMT -5
MPL are there any options to get you help with household chores? Can your parents give you some temporary assistance with a part time mother's helper who can run laundry or take some of those burdens off your shoulders? How about someone local to help cut grass or things like that that take hours from you. Getting yourself 4 hours of break time a week might be very restorative and help you deal with the drain of time for supervised visits. Your other option is to try to get a family member to take the role for one day a month. Is the SIL rational? Would she monitor ex & child at her day for a day a month? Would she follow rules like not letting ex leave with child in vehicle unless she is with them? I think my big problem is all the property to maintain and letting things get behind the last year or two while I was overwhelmed with husband's problems and my personal depression that came with it. Things like painting, fence repairs, etc. were neglected and didn't go away and have got worse. For example along my entire property line boxelder trees are always trying to grow. Normally I go out a few times a year and pull/cut them, well, last year I didn't, and probably not even the fall before. I now have about 50 damn trees that are 10-15 feet tall. It's going to be a huge job with a chainsaw and trucks and trailers. Same deal with the house after the flood. Lots of things need to be done. Plus, this is a bad time of the year. The lawn needs to get mowed every 4 or 5 days and it takes several hours if everything goes right. Which it rarely does! Last week, started mowing and the tie rod broke on the tractor. I spent an hour and a half trying to figure out a way to deal with that temporarily (zip ties ) and then DS comes out and says we have no hot water, so have to fix that. The new tie rod came when I was on vacation and I replaced it (had to call a neighbor to help because I needed a vise grips), mowed for 10 minutes and there was a snake in the yard, called DS who is obsessed with snakes and the freaking snake crawled up into the mower and into the belts on the deck. After unsuccessfully trying to get him out with the hose, I finally had to dig out tools to take the belt guards off to get him out. Mowed another few laps and notice the 4 year old jumping up and down in the driveway trying to flag me down. Chick is out. These new buggers are a lot less friendly and are already jumping out of the pool. Caught him, got bubble guns out for the kids, and went back to mowing. Made it about 45 minutes and ran out of gas (we're 15 miles from town). I got an hour of mowing done in an entire afternoon/evening. This is a typical day! I won't even talk about my garden. That is totally out of control. I used to be on top of it...at least when there was just one kid....so I know it's possible. Your day of "mowing" sounds like one of those days where I have to laugh to keep from crying. When things start going wrong to the point ofjust being ridiculous, I take a deep breath and try to find some humor in it. I get frustrated easily and unnecessarily. Just curious, what's wrong with just letting the trees grow along the property line? I'm clueless about living in rural areas.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 4, 2014 12:33:45 GMT -5
MPL are there any options to get you help with household chores? Can your parents give you some temporary assistance with a part time mother's helper who can run laundry or take some of those burdens off your shoulders? How about someone local to help cut grass or things like that that take hours from you. Getting yourself 4 hours of break time a week might be very restorative and help you deal with the drain of time for supervised visits. Your other option is to try to get a family member to take the role for one day a month. Is the SIL rational? Would she monitor ex & child at her day for a day a month? Would she follow rules like not letting ex leave with child in vehicle unless she is with them? I think my big problem is all the property to maintain and letting things get behind the last year or two while I was overwhelmed with husband's problems and my personal depression that came with it. Things like painting, fence repairs, etc. were neglected and didn't go away and have got worse. For example along my entire property line boxelder trees are always trying to grow. Normally I go out a few times a year and pull/cut them, well, last year I didn't, and probably not even the fall before. I now have about 50 damn trees that are 10-15 feet tall. It's going to be a huge job with a chainsaw and trucks and trailers. Same deal with the house after the flood. Lots of things need to be done. Plus, this is a bad time of the year. The lawn needs to get mowed every 4 or 5 days and it takes several hours if everything goes right. Which it rarely does! Last week, started mowing and the tie rod broke on the tractor. I spent an hour and a half trying to figure out a way to deal with that temporarily (zip ties ) and then DS comes out and says we have no hot water, so have to fix that. The new tie rod came when I was on vacation and I replaced it (had to call a neighbor to help because I needed a vise grips), mowed for 10 minutes and there was a snake in the yard, called DS who is obsessed with snakes and the freaking snake crawled up into the mower and into the belts on the deck. After unsuccessfully trying to get him out with the hose, I finally had to dig out tools to take the belt guards off to get him out. Mowed another few laps and notice the 4 year old jumping up and down in the driveway trying to flag me down. Chick is out. These new buggers are a lot less friendly and are already jumping out of the pool. Caught him, got bubble guns out for the kids, and went back to mowing. Made it about 45 minutes and ran out of gas (we're 15 miles from town). I got an hour of mowing done in an entire afternoon/evening. This is a typical day! I won't even talk about my garden. That is totally out of control. I used to be on top of it...at least when there was just one kid....so I know it's possible. Have you considered selling and moving somewhere less expensive with less maintenance?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 12:42:05 GMT -5
I think my big problem is all the property to maintain and letting things get behind the last year or two while I was overwhelmed with husband's problems and my personal depression that came with it. Things like painting, fence repairs, etc. were neglected and didn't go away and have got worse. For example along my entire property line boxelder trees are always trying to grow. Normally I go out a few times a year and pull/cut them, well, last year I didn't, and probably not even the fall before. I now have about 50 damn trees that are 10-15 feet tall. It's going to be a huge job with a chainsaw and trucks and trailers. Same deal with the house after the flood. Lots of things need to be done. Plus, this is a bad time of the year. The lawn needs to get mowed every 4 or 5 days and it takes several hours if everything goes right. Which it rarely does! Last week, started mowing and the tie rod broke on the tractor. I spent an hour and a half trying to figure out a way to deal with that temporarily (zip ties ) and then DS comes out and says we have no hot water, so have to fix that. The new tie rod came when I was on vacation and I replaced it (had to call a neighbor to help because I needed a vise grips), mowed for 10 minutes and there was a snake in the yard, called DS who is obsessed with snakes and the freaking snake crawled up into the mower and into the belts on the deck. After unsuccessfully trying to get him out with the hose, I finally had to dig out tools to take the belt guards off to get him out. Mowed another few laps and notice the 4 year old jumping up and down in the driveway trying to flag me down. Chick is out. These new buggers are a lot less friendly and are already jumping out of the pool. Caught him, got bubble guns out for the kids, and went back to mowing. Made it about 45 minutes and ran out of gas (we're 15 miles from town). I got an hour of mowing done in an entire afternoon/evening. This is a typical day! I won't even talk about my garden. That is totally out of control. I used to be on top of it...at least when there was just one kid....so I know it's possible. Have you considered selling and moving somewhere less expensive with less maintenance? I'm halfway to accepting moving to town and have gone to a lot of open houses the past 6 months, but I'm still not all the way there. I really am not a town person and an apartment sounds like sheer hell. But, then there still is the laundry list of things to get done to sell. It took me a month to get all my ex's things gathered up. Now I need to head to town to get fencing supplies. My fence was struck by lightening a few weeks ago and I'm finally getting to fixing it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 12:54:27 GMT -5
Just curious, what's wrong with just letting the trees grow along the property line? I'm clueless about living in rural areas. I guess they could stay, but they're scrubby boxelder trees and they will eventually encroach on my hay field. Right now they're already blocking half my walking trail. (which, apparently needs to get mowed)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 12:59:14 GMT -5
These trees are driving me nuts too with all the weeds in between and under them. I think I need to get a push mower. Up until a couple years ago I was able to drive between them on the rider, like the ones on the other side of the property.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 15:19:37 GMT -5
Oh boy, that's a lot of stuff to maintain! It's very pretty, but it looks like a lot of work. I can't imagine.....
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Jul 4, 2014 16:02:18 GMT -5
That place is gorgeous, must be quite a valuable property. But how you can do it alone is amazing to me! You are super-woman!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 16:20:14 GMT -5
How much land do you have?
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 4, 2014 17:04:49 GMT -5
MPL The property is beautiful, but it sounds like you are overwhelmed with all that is going on.
I cannot imagine holding down a full time job, raising two young sons and maintaining all that without help....
I have a cousin (quit a bit older than you) who also has a home on acerage. She raises sheep too. But the maintenance is too much for her and it is slowly deteriorating so losing value. She keeps saying everything is just fine, but it's clear that it's just too much for her.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 4, 2014 17:31:16 GMT -5
I have absolutely no friggin' clue about what I am going to ask here, but maybe some of our tax specialists can comment on this: could the fact that xH's 401k withdrawals go through MPL's checking account have tax implications for her? Specifically if/when ex has no money to pay for the taxes and penalties?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 17:39:04 GMT -5
How much land do you have? 15 acres. There's about 3 acres or so of yard, 2 acres of pasture, 8 acres in hay and 2 acres of woods. I mow the yard and pasture too sometimes. Its the trimming that sucks. I have like 50 trees I planted then all the fence posts. Plus I have a walking path I mow around the entire property and through the woods. My property is long and narrow. Like 350 feet wide and 2000 feet long. There's the front 10 then you go through the woods to the back 5. It's gorgeous back there. Great views of the valley below.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 4, 2014 17:39:54 GMT -5
Your home is idyllic, MPL, but I, too, can't imagine having to care for all that by myself. There's just no way I could do it alone and I know it. There comes a time when certain things just aren't possible anymore. I can understand not wanting to leave such a beautiful place, but when you're by yourself you need to be closer to things you need and in a place that's easy to care for. You just don't have that and I understand completely why you're feeling overwhelmed. You ARE overwhelmed!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 17:51:18 GMT -5
Your hay? Could you rent acrage in exchange for mowing or something. I too think I'd consider moving to less maintnance. And to be honest, if it was just me and kiddos, and an unpredictable ex spouse, it might be nice to have closer neighbors...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2014 17:56:47 GMT -5
The hay is cut by neighbors. They give me half the crop for payment so I never have to buy hay for my animals.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 4, 2014 19:49:38 GMT -5
Could you rent the place out and then rent somewhere in town? Maybe you don't have to give it up, but just give yourself a break for a few years. It could lower your cost of living to give you some breathing room and then give you a break on maintenance too. I could be way off base, but maybe one of the reasons you are missing your ex is it would be nice to have someone help out with all this work. Maybe if you could simplify your life you wont miss him. And if you tell me he never helped with this anyway, then I'll ask you what good was he
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