Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 6, 2014 10:14:50 GMT -5
I said there are many approaches to this. She can sell AS IS with a disclosure, she can get estimates of repair and give an allowance for a deduction, and on and on. There are some people who simply cannot fix EVERYTHING due to their life circumstances. She has a full time job and kids and she may not have the time nor resources to address EVERYTHING that needs done. That doesn't mean she is trapped and cannot make a move. But, if you want to tell her that, carry on.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Jul 6, 2014 10:47:23 GMT -5
Maybe older son's father could help with that? He is an adult leader in scouts and takes him to a ton of camp outs and stuff, but when it comes to merit badge requirements, he tends to leave that to me. He did do all the bike rides with him for the biking one and built the rocket with him for space exploration, but all this nitty gritty crap of writing reports, and practicing first aid skills is up to me or it won't get done. He's really busy too. He's been building his own house for the past few years and has a one year old and a useless wife. Seriously, I can't believe he left me for her. I have yet to show up there and not find her either in her pajamas or napping and he does all the housework, cooking and childcare when he's not at work. It's just weird. Not weird. Karma, indeed. Sometimes it it takes a while to kick in, but it does eventually.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 11:35:47 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 11:37:55 GMT -5
"She was particularly cruel to me back in the day and while I no longer am plotting her death, her being unhappy with her new life seems like a little bit of long overdue karma. " It sounds like you are still kind of hung up on that past. I am sure the recent events made it worse. It is very understandable. I am sure it is hard to not think what ifs once in a while, i know i would. But try to focus on yourself. As for the things that need to be done, try to focus on one small portion at a time, like maybe one room or one area of the land. You are a very strong woman to go through the things you have. And i really really admire your financial success. I dont know if you see it that way but i think you are doing wonderful. You do know I make 35K/year right? LOL I'm not exactly a poster child for "making it". When the child support goes I'm going to be hurting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 11:42:42 GMT -5
"You do know I make 35K/year right? LOL I'm not exactly a poster child for "making it". When the child support goes I'm going to be hurting. " Yes i know and that is exactly why i said what i said. I make 3 times as much but nowhere near how well you are doing
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 12:12:37 GMT -5
Well, I don't feel like I'm doing all that great. But, I guess. We're not going into debt to buy food anyhow. I have a bad habit of only seeing what needs to be done and not noticing what is done.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 12:18:42 GMT -5
Well, I don't feel like I'm doing all that great. But, I guess. We're not going into debt to buy food anyhow. I have a bad habit of only seeing what needs to be done and not noticing what is done. I thought you had said you were running in the red every month....are you dipping into savings or is just that without child support you wouldn't make it?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 12:29:26 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left. I would definately do this since it sounds like time is what you need to get caught up. start now making a list of every single thing you need to do and then prioritize.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 12:35:01 GMT -5
Well, I don't feel like I'm doing all that great. But, I guess. We're not going into debt to buy food anyhow. I have a bad habit of only seeing what needs to be done and not noticing what is done. I thought you had said you were running in the red every month....are you dipping into savings or is just that without child support you wouldn't make it? Both I guess. Child support is 30% of my income and as far as using savings, I guess it's how you look at the numbers. I budget for everything every month whether I use it or not (like house and car maintenance, annual LP bill, property taxes, etc) and make sure the budgeted amount is there ahead of time. Income and child support gets me close, but I'm short every month. I have been lucky in that there seems to be windfalls a lot. Tax refund, part-time job that only pays a few times a year, property tax refund, recent ex actually paying me some child support, etc. Next I move on to selling stuff. It declutters and helps out. I sold my snowmobile a few months ago and the trailer a month later, had a bumper crop of hay last year so sold some of that late in the winter when the prices were obnoxiously high (like $5/bale), finally, there is the savings I can tap into. But still, just because I take it from savings doesn't mean it's getting used. It just gets thrown into the budgetted sinking funds. I suppose I could just pay what I need to every month and not be in the red, but then the van would need tires or the LP tank would need to be filled and I'd have to make a big draw from savings. This way I'm on it every month.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 6, 2014 12:47:16 GMT -5
Like, I said, I've been here quite a while, always did all the yard work, and was a single mom for 5 years with the place from 2004-2009 handling everything. Either the extra kid is that much more work or it's all the extra curriculars older son is in, or maybe I'm just getting old! I'm guessing a combination of all of that along with all of the recent stress. Stress can be exhausting.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 6, 2014 12:48:01 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left. I would definately do this since it sounds like time is what you need to get caught up. start now making a list of every single thing you need to do and then prioritize. Sounds like an excellent idea.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 13:15:22 GMT -5
I think you really need to focus about what is best for YOU and your current situation. For some people, having a large property to maintain simply is not worth the time and effort for the reward. That is something only you can decide for you. I personally wouldn't want to spend so much time on yard work and other chores of that nature at this point in my life. There are only 24 hours in a day. And, if you are working full time, that doesn't leave a lot of time for chores, let alone for spending time with your child or other things. And, there is expense and upkeep. I have some friends who have lifestyle creep where they bought a bigger home, larger property, then all the toys like ATVs, campers, multiple pets, swimming pool, etc. And, don't get me wrong, all those things are great fun to own. But, over the years, I have learned that stuff and ownership comes with a price in terms of your time. So, I think the real key is to sort out what is valuable to YOU and your family and what is not. And, if country living is what is important to you, then you can find a way to make it work. Maybe you just don't need to trim as much right now and let some of the yard just go wild. You can always get back to it next summer or whatever when you have more time. I guess my point is that you can find the balance that works for you. The thing is, even selling and moving seems like a Herculean task. Getting the place ready for a realtor to see? Ugh. The shed alone has so much crap in it and then it's just a mess. Spider webs everywhere, the windows you can't even see through. The house hasn't been restored since the flood (carpet is still rolled up and on chairs in the family room), and when trying to figure out where I was getting mice, I found an even bigger problem in that the cement from the sidewalk had broke away from the front steps and it's letting water under the steps against the wood which has rotted through (leaving nice big hole for the mice). I keep saying I'm just going to plug away at everything a little at a time, but I'm not making any headway at all. I didnt mean to sound snarky. One of the biggest helps i got from the book was not to do things for others and then resent them for it. I agree with others that you need to learn to let your ex deal with his own schedule, transportation, visitation, etc... My property has been on its own for many years. But I can tell you that if you do something every day, even just spend five minutes pulling weeds, over time your yard will be better, your house will be better, and you will be more fit and happy. I tell myself, often, how do you eat the elephant? One bite at a time. It works for weightloss, happiness, and yard or house work.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Jul 6, 2014 13:25:19 GMT -5
When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it. MLP, I have caught up to all the post, but I have BTDT, but that was the one time hitting that was the last straw for me. Well that and him treating to cut his wrists in front of the kids. I really wish you the best and really can't add any help that you have not already received here. Please be safe and realize that you are a strong person and great mother. You have to be really strong for your boys and yourself. Life will get better as time passes, trust me. I too wished that he would change, but even after all the promises he made, he has become worse rather than better and this is after being divorced for 8 years. Unfortunately, his actions are taking a toll on my children and I'm thinking that my DD should go to counseling because of the hurt and anger that she feels towards her father.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 6, 2014 17:38:09 GMT -5
Maybe she is depressed? Not that the Ex's wife is more than a side note... Good. She was particularly cruel to me back in the day and while I no longer am plotting her death, her being unhappy with her new life seems like a little bit of long overdue karma. Unfortunately, depression isn't necessarily a sign that she is unhappy with her new life. If it is a physical condition, it has no reflection on how she feels about her life - it is just like if I get Pneumonia, it doesn't mean I hate my kids, or whatever.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 17:42:14 GMT -5
Good. She was particularly cruel to me back in the day and while I no longer am plotting her death, her being unhappy with her new life seems like a little bit of long overdue karma. Unfortunately, depression isn't necessarily a sign that she is unhappy with her new life. If it is a physical condition, it has no reflection on how she feels about her life - it is just like if I get Pneumonia, it doesn't mean I hate my kids, or whatever. I'm going with she hates her life. Let me have that. Besides, even if she's depressed for other reasons, it doesn't mean she's not still miserable.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 17:51:52 GMT -5
Didn't she have a baby recently?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 17:58:09 GMT -5
Didn't she have a baby recently? August of 2012.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2014 23:38:43 GMT -5
I can understand why you don't want to let go of the property with that history. I'd have a tough time making that decision even on my best day! If my heart was committed to keeping it, I would section it off as best I could and try to actively maintain an acre or less & a barn trail for daily use. Yes, that means a big bill in a year or couple years to get the brush cut down, but I think I would go for sanity and time at this point. 4-5 hours a day on boards and TV is time you don't have to burn. Are you sure you aren't depressed? That sounds a little like hiding out or consuming the time so you can't do the things you don't want to. Can you give yourself time limits on certain activities to force stopping points? If those activities are restorative for you, maybe I give you a pass on part of them But I do think you should think a lot about 20-30 hours a week that could be used for activities that give you enjoyment or true relaxation. They don't all have to be cracking the whip on yourself, but some should be. I like the 15 minute time increments for myself. Extra child is absolutely an exponential time drain! I feel like BTDT but will say it gets better even if you can't see the path. Stubborn, capable women make it work
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 1:23:42 GMT -5
MPL I'm late to this but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I too think the farm sounds like a lot to handle on your own but your attachment to it is understandable.
Just a few thoughts: as your older son gets older, getting him to / from town isn't going to get any easier.
There is a world between living where you live (in terms on distance from town and the size of your land) and renting an apt in town. Could you consider some sort of compromise? For example, a smaller, more manageable plot of land closer to town?
It's obvious that for now at least, you're not ready to do sell, so I agree you just have to do the best you can. Taking those days off seems like a good idea, but you need to use SOME of that time constructively. Could any of your brothers / your dad come for a few days and help you with some of the more urgent tasks? Or your uncle (who lives next door?)
Repairs aside, even just clearing up / decluttering is progress. It will make you feel better and give you a feeling of accomplishment. Like Shasta said, you have to eat the elephant one bite at a time...
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 7, 2014 9:29:59 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left. Do it. Do it. DO IT!!!!!!!! And it's ok if you spend part of those days doing NOTHING. Trust me on this.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 7, 2014 9:46:28 GMT -5
For me, I want my home to be a haven of rest and relaxation. Yes, there is always upkeep and stuff to do. But, I have really had to fight against lifestyle creep that would drain my time and energy. Of course the kids wanted a pool, ATVs, etc. But, in reality, PA is pretty cold most of the time and the expense and time to maintain a pool simply isn't worth it to me. Maybe someone else really enjoys that and that is great, but I know it would be more hassle than pleasure. So, that is how I evaluate what is important to me. There are some things I really enjoy. If you truly LOVE your home, then there are ways to make it work. If you know that deep down, then you can make it work but maybe you have to accept it won't get mowed as often as you would like. On the other hand, maybe deep down it is too much work for you and you can't and don't want to continue doing it. If that is the case, then sell.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 7, 2014 10:06:23 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left. Do it. Do it. DO IT!!!!!!!! And it's ok if you spend part of those days doing NOTHING. Trust me on this. I couldn't agree more. I'm doing it right now! So far I've steam-cleaned the carpets in the living room and bedroom, weeded the garden, and put out a work fire via email. Now I'm going to take a nap. __________________ I also wanted to say how much I admire you. I find it sometimes difficult to keep up with the house, 6 acres (mostly wooded, so other than mowing, not much to be done) and one semi-mobile kid, while working full-time - and I have an involved spouse. I can't imagine doing it alone. After living in the country for a few years now, I'd find it very difficult to adjust to moving to town. It also sounds like you have some major family ties to your property. I do think that your best options - or at least the ones you should exhaust before moving - are (in no particular order) 1) occasional catch-up days off while DS goes to daycare; 2) taking in a boarder/bartering hay, chickens, whatever for labor; 3) asking your family for help (just because they all seem to be Superwoman doesn't mean you are or have to be); and 4) letting go what you can and tackling it in a couple of years when things have calmed down. As your youngest son gets older, it will get easier. I promise.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 7, 2014 10:47:55 GMT -5
And on the asking for help-your family may just not know how to offer that help but would love to lend a hand. They may not want you to think that they think you can't handle everything. (Worst sentence ever, but hopefully you get my meaning).
Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 7, 2014 12:18:51 GMT -5
I have 13 days of vacation to use yet this year. Since I'm not going anywhere, I'm thinking about taking every Friday off starting July 18th (we're still on company shutdown tomorrow, so this week is already 4 days), and taking the 4 year old to daycare like normal. I could do this for the rest of July and all of August and still have 5 days and sick time left. Do it. Do it. DO IT!!!!!!!! And it's ok if you spend part of those days doing NOTHING. Trust me on this. Absolutely do this. It will give you the extra time to actually catch up & that will help relieve a lot of your stress. I do this because there are just some things that are faster & easier to do without the kids around.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 18:15:20 GMT -5
OMG, It's the 4 year old! I left him at daycare today and older son and I got a ton done on his scout stuff before noon while doing laundry, then I took him to camp, and I ran a bunch of errands and got my hair cut for the first time since last summer...in hindsight I should have got it colored too.
I think he's still second behind the boards and tv, but he is a big time suck! Fighting with his brother, whining about everything and anything, tearing one room apart while I clean another.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 7, 2014 18:18:46 GMT -5
OMG, It's the 4 year old! ...he is a big time suck! Fighting with his brother, whining about everything and anything, tearing one room apart while I clean another. No shit, Sherlock. Or, to use the proper 4 year old phrasing, "No duh."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 18:23:06 GMT -5
Why am I not surprised?! LOL
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 18:36:58 GMT -5
Except for work, I've never really had an entire day without him in the past couple years. I didn't really notice what kind of monkey wrench he could be until he wasn't around.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2014 18:56:37 GMT -5
On another note, I'm not sure if anyone remembers, but last year I lost about a third of my hair. It was awful, scalp showing and everything. I had tons of tests done, but in the end the dermatologist chalked it up as stress induced and said it would come back. Months and months went by and nothing, I gave up and just quit trying to do much of anything with it. I really just avoided ever looking at it. Well, I went in to get it cut today (first time since LAST July) and the stylist said it was a lot thicker on the top than below which was still real stringy, yucky and uneven. She asked if she could just cut it off and I said go for it, it can't look worse. We lobbed about 5 inches off and now my hair is about an inch above my shoulders and looks/feels much better. I actually opened up the mirrors in the vanity and looked at it when I got home (like I said, I've avoided that for a long time) and there isn't scalp showing at all anymore. I'll never have a thick, luxurious head of hair, mine has always been fine, but it is definitely recovering. I'm a little bummed at having to have short hair, but whatever... Now to color it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 8, 2014 7:56:00 GMT -5
Woohoo! MPL is gonna be a hottie! And yeah, 4 year olds are giant time sucks. Cute as all hell but time sucks.
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