Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:21:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 6:56:31 GMT -5
I wish I knew how. He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. You did not make a mistake. I got texts like these for years, seemed to come and go, but would get really bad if he was drinking. Then when I'd keep saying no, he'd get pissed at me and I'd feel bad. But I kept saying no anyway. Eventually he apologized, and I haven't gotten any texts like that for several months now. You have to keep saying no. It sucks to remember the bad times, but do it. Force yourself to think of every bad thing he did to you. Now is not the time to "move on" from the bad things because you need to remember them vividly to keep from considering going back. Over time you'll be able to "forgive", and maybe even forget a little. But don't forget now. Don't forget until you are strong enough to say no without having to remember the bad stuff. It sucks. I've been in a similar spot. It still sucks. But don't even be wishy-washy about it. No "I wish it could be different", no "maybe", just keep saying no. Ignore the texts until daylight (yes, this will probably piss him off or freak him out), but things seem to be easier to deal with in the daylight. You're not the first one to deal with this, and you won't be the last. But you CAN deal with it! I suck at not being wishy washy because I DO wish things were different.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:21:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 7:01:31 GMT -5
2 years later it still hurts, it still hurts seeing her kids that did not have to lose a mother, it still hurts to know she was barely in her 30's and did not have to die, And it hurts even more to know he is out there a free man while he left his wife internally bleed to death on their kitchen floor and disappeared for 3 days... But not enough to lock him up! Is this the same woman who went into a psych unit a couple of years ago because she worked a ton, but her a DH was a unemployed jerk? And imagine your son walking in on that. I still remember clearly being 3 walking in on my dad beating my mom like his punching bag, she thinks I am making it up because I was too young to remember. I do, up to me running out and yelling for help and the neighbors getting involved, I remember all of it now at 29 as if it was yesterday. No kid should walk in that any age. No that is my wife cousin... She divorced the jerk and over a year later they are still fighting over custody. They each want full custody but for now doing 50/50 till the judge can settle it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:21:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 7:09:42 GMT -5
I wish I knew how. He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. Here is a trick; Next time you feel horrible how about remembering him knocking you out? He is manipulating you, telling you how it was good until YOU messed it up, how you could be the perfect family again if only YOU would let him back in. Does that sound familiar? He is a changed man, he knows what he did wrong, fixed it and it will never ever happen again. He missed you and the boy, he needs a father figure around, a boy needs his father... why aren't you letting him fix this? YOU are not the problem, YOU fixed it already by kicking him out, YOU are on the right path. He needs to find his own path and you need to make it clear to him that the only thing left for you 2 to discuss is time to meet him and where so he can spend time with his son. Nothing else, nothing more... Stay strong; again you have made it further than many women in your shoes which is kick him out and divorce him. Be strong! Don't give me too much credit for strength. I divorced him while he was in jail. I didnt have to see, hear or talk to him before, during or for a month or so after. I wonder if I would have been able to otherwise? As for remembering him hitting me....I know this means nothing, but it only happened once. August 17, 2102. I won't even be able to forget the date.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 2, 2014 8:36:12 GMT -5
Here is a trick; Next time you feel horrible how about remembering him knocking you out? He is manipulating you, telling you how it was good until YOU messed it up, how you could be the perfect family again if only YOU would let him back in. Does that sound familiar? He is a changed man, he knows what he did wrong, fixed it and it will never ever happen again. He missed you and the boy, he needs a father figure around, a boy needs his father... why aren't you letting him fix this? YOU are not the problem, YOU fixed it already by kicking him out, YOU are on the right path. He needs to find his own path and you need to make it clear to him that the only thing left for you 2 to discuss is time to meet him and where so he can spend time with his son. Nothing else, nothing more... Stay strong; again you have made it further than many women in your shoes which is kick him out and divorce him. Be strong! Don't give me too much credit for strength. I divorced him while he was in jail. I didnt have to see, hear or talk to him before, during or for a month or so after. I wonder if I would have been able to otherwise? As for remembering him hitting me....I know this means nothing, but it only happened once. August 17, 2102. I won't even be able to forget the date. Once is one time too many.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,216
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 2, 2014 8:39:19 GMT -5
Don't give me too much credit for strength. I divorced him while he was in jail. I didnt have to see, hear or talk to him before, during or for a month or so after. I wonder if I would have been able to otherwise? As for remembering him hitting me....I know this means nothing, but it only happened once. August 17, 2102. I won't even be able to forget the date. Once is one time too many. When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:21:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 8:58:47 GMT -5
Once is one time too many. When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 2, 2014 9:12:18 GMT -5
Once is one time too many. When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Amen to that. Because not only will I get up, I will see to it that you never do. And that no one ever finds your cold, dead body. No amount of physical abuse, not even one time, is ever acceptable. One time means there will be a next time. And a next time, until there are quite possibly no more next times. Do you not hear about domestic violence statistics? Or do you think you are just better than that, or above all that, or maybe it's just not going to happen to you, because you can fix it, you can make it all go away? I saw many, many battered women in my time who thought just that. Women with black eyes, fresh arm and leg casts, patches of hair missing and teeth knocked out. And these women would come into jail to bail out the men WHO DID THESE THINGS TO THEM. And they would cry and beg us to let the men go, because they were literally between a rock and a hard place. They had no money or means of support, and faced a worse fate without the men. A few of these women I would see multiple times, posting bail. Some I only saw once. Some may have escaped. Some likely died. For someone who has at least a minimum of sense and resources, I cannot for the life of me understand why you think you are going to be the exception to the rule. Why, for the sake of your kids, would you take that chance? You think it's OK to teach them that living in fear is fine? You think that playing the eternal jailer to your XH's every move is going to make him walk the walk?
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Jul 2, 2014 9:22:23 GMT -5
When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Amen to that. Because not only will I get up, I will see to it that you never do. And that no one ever finds your cold, dead body. No amount of physical abuse, not even one time, is ever acceptable. One time means there will be a next time. And a next time, until there are quite possibly no more next times. Do you not hear about domestic violence statistics? Or do you think you are just better than that, or above all that, or maybe it's just not going to happen to you, because you can fix it, you can make it all go away? I saw many, many battered women in my time who thought just that. Women with black eyes, fresh arm and leg casts, patches of hair missing and teeth knocked out. And these women would come into jail to bail out the men WHO DID THESE THINGS TO THEM. And they would cry and beg us to let the men go, because they were literally between a rock and a hard place. They had no money or means of support, and faced a worse fate without the men. A few of these women I would see multiple times, posting bail. Some I only saw once. Some may have escaped. Some likely died. For someone who has at least a minimum of sense and resources, I cannot for the life of me understand why you think you are going to be the exception to the rule. Why, for the sake of your kids, would you take that chance? You think it's OK to teach them that living in fear is fine? You think that playing the eternal jailer to your XH's every move is going to make him walk the walk? Because dealing with someone with mental illness, especially one with symptoms that come in waves like bipolar is incredibly difficult. You know the person isn't always like that and that the behavior is due to their illness, so you cling to the hope that if they can just get proper treatment to control the illness, you'll get them - the real them - back.
Mental illness is very cruel to the people who have it, but also to the people who love them.
MPL is doing the right things, the hard things. Wanting and dreaming of something different is normal.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 48,091
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 2, 2014 9:24:18 GMT -5
Don't give me too much credit for strength. I divorced him while he was in jail. I didnt have to see, hear or talk to him before, during or for a month or so after
Instead of beating yourself up and thinking you were cowardly, you should think of it as a strategic decision.
Even if you had balls of steel with your ex's problems at the time the LAST thing you would want to do is confront him in person. You can't control crazy, who knows what he would have done to you or possibly the kids.
So serving him while he was in jail was a smart move regardless of the underlying motivation behind it.
|
|
mmhmm
Administrator
It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
Joined: Dec 25, 2010 18:13:34 GMT -5
Posts: 31,770
Today's Mood: Saddened by Events
Location: Memory Lane
Favorite Drink: Water
|
Post by mmhmm on Jul 2, 2014 9:28:01 GMT -5
I wish I knew how. He's the master of making me feel like I'm making a horrible mistake and just need to have a little faith. Nobody can MAKE YOU FEEL anything, MPL. You are in control of yourself if you choose to be.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,619
|
Post by swamp on Jul 2, 2014 9:33:08 GMT -5
Here is a trick; Next time you feel horrible how about remembering him knocking you out? He is manipulating you, telling you how it was good until YOU messed it up, how you could be the perfect family again if only YOU would let him back in. Does that sound familiar? He is a changed man, he knows what he did wrong, fixed it and it will never ever happen again. He missed you and the boy, he needs a father figure around, a boy needs his father... why aren't you letting him fix this? YOU are not the problem, YOU fixed it already by kicking him out, YOU are on the right path. He needs to find his own path and you need to make it clear to him that the only thing left for you 2 to discuss is time to meet him and where so he can spend time with his son. Nothing else, nothing more... Stay strong; again you have made it further than many women in your shoes which is kick him out and divorce him. Be strong! Don't give me too much credit for strength. I divorced him while he was in jail. I didnt have to see, hear or talk to him before, during or for a month or so after. I wonder if I would have been able to otherwise? As for remembering him hitting me....I know this means nothing, but it only happened once. August 17, 2102. I won't even be able to forget the date. If you go back to him, that will be the first time he hit you. There will be more. PRomise.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,619
|
Post by swamp on Jul 2, 2014 9:35:46 GMT -5
This guys got nothing else going on right now other than to bother her and pull her chain. Once he finds himself a new squeeze or gets some income going so he can resume his drug of choice...she and the kid will be off his radar. He will drift off, like many NCDs do, rack up a hefty back child support tab and be a relatively non existent entity after a period of time. He will probably turn up here and there when he's broke or has nothing else to do, but the notion that they will get back together and it will all be great and ride off into the sunset is ridiculous...as is the fear that any court on the planet is going to change custody. He's not your typical deadbeat dad. He has a weird obsession with our son. Its why he isnt speaking with one brother (assaulted him after accidentally knocking our son down) and part of the reason he spent 6 months in jail. He isnt smart but I dont see him just going away either. To spend 6 months in jail on a first offense for an assault, he must have fucked up his brother pretty good.
What's he going to do to you when he disagrees with your parenting methods?
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 2, 2014 9:41:50 GMT -5
Amen to that. Because not only will I get up, I will see to it that you never do. And that no one ever finds your cold, dead body. No amount of physical abuse, not even one time, is ever acceptable. One time means there will be a next time. And a next time, until there are quite possibly no more next times. Do you not hear about domestic violence statistics? Or do you think you are just better than that, or above all that, or maybe it's just not going to happen to you, because you can fix it, you can make it all go away? I saw many, many battered women in my time who thought just that. Women with black eyes, fresh arm and leg casts, patches of hair missing and teeth knocked out. And these women would come into jail to bail out the men WHO DID THESE THINGS TO THEM. And they would cry and beg us to let the men go, because they were literally between a rock and a hard place. They had no money or means of support, and faced a worse fate without the men. A few of these women I would see multiple times, posting bail. Some I only saw once. Some may have escaped. Some likely died. For someone who has at least a minimum of sense and resources, I cannot for the life of me understand why you think you are going to be the exception to the rule. Why, for the sake of your kids, would you take that chance? You think it's OK to teach them that living in fear is fine? You think that playing the eternal jailer to your XH's every move is going to make him walk the walk? Because dealing with someone with mental illness, especially one with symptoms that come in waves like bipolar is incredibly difficult. You know the person isn't always like that and that the behavior is due to their illness, so you cling to the hope that if they can just get proper treatment to control the illness, you'll get them - the real them - back.
Mental illness is very cruel to the people who have it, but also to the people who love them.
MPL is doing the right things, the hard things. Wanting and dreaming of something different is normal.
True. My family has dealt with mental illness. And if it were just MPL, I might have less of an issue. But there is at least one young child (if memory serves me right, her other son is older) whose safety is at issue. She cannot maintain a life and manage a grown man, even a mentally ill one, at the same time. In time, the "normal" man may come back. Not her problem right now. If she takes it on, she takes on sleepless nights, eternal fear, constant vigilance in thought, word and deed and never being able to accept when enough is enough. I never suggested her feelings weren't normal. But using them to talk herself into giving it the old college try once more is like agreeing to walk a tightrope over the Grand Canyon when you're drunk. Sure, you're convinced you can do it. You're so convinced, you might even try that crossing on your hands with your eyes closed. You might even make it.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Jul 2, 2014 9:44:49 GMT -5
I don't think MPL is trying to talk herself into getting back together with her ex. She is sad about what was lost/what could have been, and feeling lonely. That doesn't mean she's going to jump back into it.
|
|
sheilaincali
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 17:55:24 GMT -5
Posts: 4,131
|
Post by sheilaincali on Jul 2, 2014 9:47:17 GMT -5
Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it.
This is so true. It's easy to draw that hypothetical line in the sand but until you've walked in those shoes you really can't say for sure what you'd do in that exact situation. I'm not saying that it's wrong or entirely inaccurate to have a "one hit and I walk" mentality I'm just saying that sometimes when/if it actually happens it's not always as easy to stick to your guns. I do agree that spousal abuse rarely stops at just once.
|
|
milee
Senior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2012 13:20:00 GMT -5
Posts: 12,344
|
Post by milee on Jul 2, 2014 9:47:48 GMT -5
I'm not suggesting we tell her to try again or support her in any such attempt. I'm giving the answer to the question you asked in your post. And I do understand it wasn't really a question, just a disguised statement to show how ridiculous you think it is that she would even consider such a thing.
She's not ridiculous to hope or wish things were different, which is what she's doing. She's not acting on that hope (yet) and I'm just letting her know that her wishes are understandable and don't make her an idiot. If she starts acting on them, then that's a different story.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,720
|
Post by midjd on Jul 2, 2014 9:54:52 GMT -5
Yes, and we had this discussion in the "kid in car" thread. IMO anyone who thinks they know exactly what they would do in any hypothetical situation (which has not yet happened to that person) is wrong. Yes, maybe if the situation were presented, the person WOULD react in the way they previously thought - but there is no guarantee.
Most abusive situations are more like the frog-in-boiling-water thing, anyway. If you go from Brady Bunch perfect to punched-in-the-face overnight, it's probably easy to walk. But if your "normal" has evolved to yelling and emotional abuse - physical abuse may not cross the line, just stretch it a little further.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jul 2, 2014 10:00:46 GMT -5
When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it. Totally agree. And to be totally honest, it really hurts (IMO) when people go on about how they would never put up with that. Because not only are you in a horrible situation & dealing with a load of emotional pain, you are listening to people tell you how easy it would be to walk away and never look back. It just adds to the feeling that you are a loser & something must be wrong with you because it isn't easy for you. Maybe it is easy for some, it isn't for most or they wouldn't go back. I never, ever thought I was the type - educated, middle class, good career, but I went back & back & back. It is hard to explain to some people why if they haven't lived it or just don't understand. But, you are strong MPL & you can do this. You don't have to make the same mistake as many times as I did. 10/1/2010 - And I am guessing you are right, you never forget the date.
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,875
Member is Online
|
Post by NastyWoman on Jul 2, 2014 10:01:27 GMT -5
When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it. I sadly agree with this statement MPL. For many of us this is a theoretical comment. However, when you feel yourself waiver go back and read Carl's statement about what he saw at age 3 and how he still remembers this 26 years later. It caused a scar that will never go away and you do NOT want this to be your son's memory! At 4 he is just about the same age Carl was then and it is your job to protect him from harm. You are a great mom and I suggest you read and reread Carl's post to help you get through this hard time. Things will get better even if it may not feel that way.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,245
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2014 10:01:35 GMT -5
I do think there are degrees and it can depend. There's a difference between an open-hand palm slap in anger on someone's thigh versus slapping someone in the face. Then you have actually punching someone in the face or gut, which would be an automatic walk for me.
I know it can be different to live it than just be a mental exercise. I do however wonder if sometimes people who put up with it use that explanation to keep themselves in a domestic violence situation.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Jul 2, 2014 10:09:59 GMT -5
Most abusive situations are more like the frog-in-boiling-water thing, anyway. If you go from Brady Bunch perfect to punched-in-the-face overnight, it's probably easy to walk. But if your "normal" has evolved to yelling and emotional abuse - physical abuse may not cross the line, just stretch it a little further. It is totally this. If you are already in an emotionally abusive type relationship, this just stretches it further. And that line has already been stretched & stretched & stretched. It becomes hard to draw the line. It isn't like day one of a relationship you realize this is what it will turn into. It goes slowly over time after you are already invested. First there might be some talking down & snide comments. That might slowly morph into yelling about stuff, maybe throwing something out of anger. But, these aren't even daily events, in the beginning most days are really good still. There might be 2-6 months with no problems & then one day he starts yelling & throws the remote. Then another few months go by & maybe he calls you a bitch & horrible mother. Then another few months go by & maybe he smashes a lamp. Each time you both make excuses... he was drunk, he was having a bad day because his dad just died. But he really loves you & is sorry...and the line stretches. Will continue in a minute....have to work
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 10, 2024 2:21:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2014 10:12:17 GMT -5
He's not your typical deadbeat dad. He has a weird obsession with our son. Its why he isnt speaking with one brother (assaulted him after accidentally knocking our son down) and part of the reason he spent 6 months in jail. He isnt smart but I dont see him just going away either. To spend 6 months in jail on a first offense for an assault, he must have fucked up his brother pretty good.
What's he going to do to you when he disagrees with your parenting methods?
He didn't go to jail for assault. He basically had a psychotic break for lack of a better term. He was kept jailed mainly for his personal safety while they tried to line up treatment. That was part of the reason for the divorce to get him on medical assistance for a halfway house since insurance wouldnt cover it. His bail was only something like $500 but since he was considered homeless they wouldn't let him out.
|
|
billisonboard
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 22:45:44 GMT -5
Posts: 38,230
|
Post by billisonboard on Jul 2, 2014 10:14:04 GMT -5
Or you are getting social messages abuse is acceptable:
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 2, 2014 10:23:13 GMT -5
I do think there are degrees and it can depend. There's a difference between an open-hand palm slap in anger on someone's thigh versus slapping someone in the face. Then you have actually punching someone in the face or gut, which would be an automatic walk for me.
I know it can be different to live it than just be a mental exercise. I do however wonder if sometimes people who put up with it use that explanation to keep themselves in a domestic violence situation.
By law, physical contact of any kind, on any level, is wrong. Regardless of open versus closed hand or body part it contacts. However, I agree with you on the reasoning behind why people use it to excuse a partner's hitting them. They will say, "Oh, it was just a light tap," or ""It wasn't that bad because it didn't draw blood." Something along those lines. But staying in the relationship after the first hit means you're telling the abuser, "Hey, no biggie, I'm fine." That's an open sesame for most abusers to escalate in frequency and violence of contact. And why not....they got away with it once, right? I realize from my training, hard-ass though I am, that most abusers do not wake up one day and think it's OK to hit someone they love. They either learn the behavior as a coping/controlling skill or it comes about as a secondary issue from mental illness. And most victims love their abusers, and many would rather stay and put on a brave, happy face, hoping it will get better. Or fearful that it will get worse if they leave, and like all the other stuff, whatever happens will be their fault. This is the crux of where things need to change. Not when it gets to the point of utter irrationality, of escalated violence, fear and threats. But when bad things start out small, just at the point of being detected by our "Oh, Shit" radar. And learn not to accept the anger and misery of another as our lot in life. We cannot change another person, though we can be supportive. We cannot drag ourselves down to the level of another, but likewise, we cannot raise someone else up, unless they want to make that trip. And self-preservation matters more than self-sacrifice in a case like this. MPL has children who need her. If she is disabled or dies, the consequences to her kids are not pretty.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,245
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2014 10:39:30 GMT -5
I haven't read the law on this in NJ, but if true, it means guys who punch each other in the arm as a friendly/kidding action are OK if they are friends, but potentially treading dangerous territory if they are gay partners.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jul 2, 2014 10:45:27 GMT -5
I haven't read the law on this in NJ, but if true, it means guys who punch each other in the arm as a friendly/kidding action are OK if they are friends, but potentially treading dangerous territory if they are gay partners.
An interesting interpretation, and one open to gray area. Theoretically, if one of those (presumably, but not necessarily) straight guys suddenly takes a dislike to the other after that friendly/kidding action, he could call the police and assault charges could be filed. Gay domestic partners are another matter. They would be covered by the same domestic violence laws as a straight couple. Here is a portion of the NJ law: Victim of Domestic Violence means a person protected by the domestic violence act and includes any person:
who is 18 years of age or older, or
who is an emancipated minor, and who has been subjected to domestic violence by:
spouse former spouse any other person who is a present or former household member, OR
who, regardless of age, has been subjected to domestic violence by a person:
with whom the victim has a child in common, or with whom the victim anticipates having a child in common, if one of the parties is pregnant, or
who, regardless of age, has been subjected to domestic violence by a person with whom the victim has had a dating relationship.
A victim may be below the age of 18. The domestic violence assailant must be over the age of 18 or emancipated at the time of the offense. See Paragraph C3 below for criteria for determining whether a person is emancipated.
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Jul 2, 2014 10:52:14 GMT -5
MPL-- Believe me, I know it's hard when part of you wants it back. Just the good stuff back. But, it's never just the good stuff that comes back, it's all the bad stuff too. And, most often, I believe, it will come back worse than before. Because now it's been forgiven, which means for him, it's ok that it happened and less than a big deal if it happens again. My ex-husband never hit me. Ever. He did choke my son and leave red marks around his neck. I threatened to kill him if it ever happened again. I meant it. He was out of the house in less than a month. Believe me, you want to do everything you can for your child now because you don't want to be confronted with that kind of horror. He had kicked doors and punched holes in the walls, but he had never acted violent toward a person. Until my three-year-old cried about something. I never saw it coming. His son was had been the world to him, completely loved him, took care of him, played with him. Somehow it all changed. Again, I know it's hard to want something/someone back (not the ex-husband in my case), but that is why you repeat the bad things over again until you are stronger. Because the bad things are painful, and more painful than missing him. At least, that is my experience. Forget the bad things too early, and it's more tempting to go back. Not being wishy-washy can be tough. So you have to stay very controlled with all your responses. Even if you feel weak about it, you can't let him see that, it only makes them push harder. I'm really not trying to harp on you, promise! I really do understand how you feel. But time, practice, and saying no will help things get better.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,216
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 2, 2014 10:53:01 GMT -5
When I saw post about it only happend once I typed a scathing reply and then hit the back button rather than post. I guess I'm the kinda person you hit me once you better hope I can't get up. Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it. I visit the grave of a friend who said it "only happened once" so I get fired up. And I keep reminding myself on threads like this that I had a very different childhood from the mom pop scene and I had to learn at a very early age that I am the only one who can take care of me. Guess my self preservation mode kicks in.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 42,245
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jul 2, 2014 10:56:49 GMT -5
Everyone says this but I wonder how many have really had it happen and followed through? I'm not saying you wouldn't, but it's hard to understand if you haven't lived it. I visit the grave of a friend who said it "only happened once" so I get fired up. And I keep reminding myself on threads like this that I had a very different childhood from the mom pop scene and I had to learn at a very early age that I am the only one who can take care of me. Guess my self preservation mode kicks in. The second time killed her or do you think she never said anything after the second time until her death?
Sounds awful in any event.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,216
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 2, 2014 11:04:04 GMT -5
She chose to stay in the relationship because "he was so sweet, and apologized" We did everything we could do to talk sense, get help, etc. Even drove 400 miles to get her once and then she wouldn't leave. How many times no one knows except that we got the call that the last time ended the beatings. Point being just because someone says it only happened once - don't believe it but I think they believe it and ignore the shovings, pushing downs, etc and don't consider that as "being hit". Gonna shut up for now cause this is bringing back bbad memories of friend and I have learned to remember the good things and our fun times together....
|
|